Sharing

My husband and I have got to a generally good place thanks, partly to lockdown forcing us to slow things down. He is mono (but I think still on apps so potentially open to more if the right person came along) and I am definitely poly.

He still finds it difficult though, it’s more that he understands and accepts things and knows I love and respect him and want to be with him, rather than compersion or feeling turned on by the thought of me with someone else.

So the agreement is that he knows where I’m going and who with but that’s enough unless he asks me specific questions. I totally respect this, even though it goes against every fibre of my being!

I am a sharer, I am all for openness and honesty. I think that knowing the actual truth - even if you don’t like it - is better than a million what ifs. I don’t want anything to feel like secrets or lies, or to tell a friend something my husband doesn’t know and worry it might come up later!

Just interested to hear people’s thoughts on this set up really.
 
Adam and I work on the where and who (this is a little more relevant when we're living together) but we don't get into details other than "did you have a good weekend with whomever." I certainly don't have any "what ifs" running through my head, and I don't believe he does, either. Maybe neither of us are creative enough to imagine them, or that the ones I can think of seem so trite/completely irrelevant to me, e.g. what if she's better in bed than me? Hahahaha. Yeah, right ;). Sure, she might do a thing that I prefer not to, but I don't think of anything/one as "better" - it's just "different."

Or perhaps that we're simply so secure in the fact that we plan to grow old together and if we change our minds on that, it won't be because of another person.

I'm also really happy that my other primary partner has no interest in trying to escalate our relationship beyond what is logistically feasible. He's got his own relationships and life and has no agenda to try and disrupt mine or need more than I have to give. I previously, briefly, dated someone who wanted more and more of me and eventually I pulled the plug because I could see how unhealthy it was. I don't tolerate anyone trying to interfere with my other relationships, which means that when someone does, and it has happened, I'll break off contact.
 
Remind me again -- it's been like a year and a half since opening up, right? If so, I think this is a good enough agreement for now. Maybe it changes. Maybe it doesn't. It sounds livable enough.

He still finds it difficult though, it’s more that he understands and accepts things and knows I love and respect him and want to be with him, rather than compersion or feeling turned on by the thought of me with someone else.

So he finds it difficult when he's 18 months ish into open relationship. And? What did you want him to be doing instead?

Is it that you have a hard time watching him process things?

Not everyone is going to feel compersion. Or be turned on by you having other partners. They also don't HAVE to for things to work out.

So the agreement is that he knows where I’m going and who with but that’s enough unless he asks me specific questions. I totally respect this, even though it goes against every fibre of my being!

Sounds like he is being honest with you about what he can deal with at this time.

I am a sharer, I am all for openness and honesty.

Sounds like you have been honest with him.

What else is there you want to share that you can't share?

Is it that you want more like KTP and he's more like "separate V" and doesn't want to hear your problems on the other side of the V? And that frustrates you?

I think that knowing the actual truth - even if you don’t like it - is better than a million what ifs.
Ok. You think this. What does he think?

Is he in the habit of "what iffing?" Does he come bother you somehow?

If he provokes himself by "what iffing" isn't it on him to stop doing this behavior and do his emotional management? As well as keep to the agreement if he wants to ask you something?

Are you the one doing "what iffing?"Anxious about something?

I don’t want anything to feel like secrets or lies, or to tell a friend something my husband doesn’t know and worry it might come up later!

What do you need to alleviate your worry? What feels like you are keeping secrets or doing lies? Is it that you want to be more "out" as poly? Something else?

What would happen if he IS caught off guard if a friend brings something up he didn't know? You don't trust him to respond/react well? Would you feel better knowing what the plan is if this situation were to arise?

I guess you could ask him what is "news worthy" to him that he would want you to bring up. So you can relax that this isn't like "secrets or lies" or he isn't caught off guard if something comes up later. And live into this a bit more.

Galagirl
 
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I agree with the others. Sharing minimal details can be good enough. Blue and I use to practice KTP prior to our last breakup. That was my preferred style in theory. But in practice, I found it to be way too chaotic. Too much drama. Partly that was Blue's hinge skills (which have improved considerably), partly its his choice of partners. Now that we're parallel poly with minimal details, things are much smoother! My new relationship is more KTP and that is working great!

How to handle sharing info and whether to meet, etc, really is a personal choice... and it can change over time! I do think it's more common than you think that poly relationships are more parallel and shared info is minimal.
 
I am a sharer, I am all for openness and honesty.
You and I share this trait and I one day was asked a question I had not thought of before. Is the sharing more about you or about actually sharing what the person needs/wants to know? It seems you have shared what he has asked for but you WANT to share more. I am a type of person who wants both people to tell every little detail to each other but I also have to realize that is not for everyone. It is hard to respect that boundary as an excited eager sharer who wants to share these happy, exciting new relationships with the person they care about.

It is important to respect people's boundaries and if you feel the need to share more, renegotiate it later. He may never want to know more than a name. If this doesn't work for you then you have to consider will this type of relationship work for you?
 
I think it is also important to understand that this might be something beyond poly; forgive me as you know him better than we ever could.

I am a very private individual usually, I keep to myself. I struggle with this with my secondary as she is like you and asks me about previous relationships, etc. I am fine with those. But as for anything else? All I need to know is that it was safe. I am still learning, but she understands that asking me to change that permanently would be huge - in a sense you are asking us to change who we are. But regardless of my orientation, I keep to myself and did so in previous mono and poly dating scenes.

But I think you can find a balance, or another trusted outlet as you said. But if he is mono-ish, and you are forcing this on him it isn't an agreement anymore beyond what you already have established. Is he the type of guy who keeps to himself?
 
As I read these replies, I realise that not sharing isn't just a poly/romantic/sexual thing for me. I have always been a non-sharer, well at least since teenagehood. It was one of the biggest sources of contention in my household during my teen years. My mum would ask me what felt like question after question after question after bloody question about my day at school, my day at work, my boyfriend if I had one, my friends, honestly it was never ending and I HATED it. It drove a wedge between us that has never actually repaired. I'd hate to have this happen in a romantic relationship. I'm not actually a closed person, but I want to be the one to decide what I share, and what I hear. I don't want to be interrogated, or information bombed.
 
Hi Pigwidgeon,

"Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive." Or when first we practice to not talk about the elephant in the room. I am a strong believer in sharing as much as possible, I think your husband's current agreement (to not share or only share in a very limited way) is a recipe for disaster. Sharing is especially important in poly, you should share as much as possible. Just sharing where you're going and with whom would not be enough for me, I would want to talk about what kind of a relationship I have with that person, and what we do together.

It also concerns me that your husband doesn't have any compersion, and doesn't get turned on by the thought of you with someone else. Without these very important feelings, he is going to have a hard time understanding and accepting things, and the difficulty will only increase as the years go by. There is a recipe for success in poly (or even mono/poly) relationships, and he is not following it. I wonder if deep down he isn't feeling some profound sadness, maybe he even feels like he's been betrayed. Such feelings could lead to resentment later on down the road.

Have a long talk with him.
With concern,
Kevin T.
 
I have to disagree that getting turned on by the thought of your partner having other partners is in the recipe for sustainable/good poly. I get happy for Adam when he's enjoying someone else's company, that's my level of compersion, but I have very little interest in their sex life beyond, "are you having a good time with such and such?" And I certainly don't feel any arousal from thinking about their relationship.

Effective communication doesn't have to be sharing details about who put what where (in a sexual context).
 
It also concerns me that your husband doesn't have any compersion, and doesn't get turned on by the thought of you with someone else. Without these very important feelings, he is going to have a hard time understanding and accepting things, and the difficulty will only increase as the years go by.

Nope. I’m not turned on by my partners having sex with other people, unless I’m, like, there and somehow involved. Even compersion is, IMO, a bit over hyped - I’m not literally feeling joy just because my partner is, even if I am happy that they’re happy. (I don’t really consider that compersion as it’s not really dissimilar to being happy for any other good thing in their life, like enjoying a tv show I don’t like or having a good day at work or or or...)
 
Being sexually aroused by a partner having sex with someone else would be a pretty strange indicator that the relationship was healthy (or not). There are a number of qualities that I would recognize as indicators of a healthy association, and that wouldn't be one of them.
 
Thanks everyone. Good to hear different points of view. I definitely think don’t ask don’t tell is a recipe for disaster so wanted to check we were far enough along the spectrum!

It’s not so much that I’m desperate to give him all the gory details, more that it makes me happy and I want to tell him - just as I’d want to share stories from a weekend away with friends.

This specifically came up because I’d been with a new partner for the first time. He knew we’d had sex because I had a shower when I got home (as agreed) but knew I hadn’t been to his house so didn’t know where we’d done it. Was it outside, in public, was it in our shared car? Etc. Not that it should matter, he should trust that I only did what I felt comfortable with, but it’s better to know and deal with the one reality than all the possibilities. In the end I asked if I could tell him and we did it that way.
 
I understand that you like to share details about what you did. That seems to be fun for you, and relieves your own anxiety. However, I respect that your husband doesn't want to know everything! Maybe he'd prefer less info, and just be glad you're happy and safe, and that's that. He really didn't want to know where you'd had sex. WHY did you feel you had to tell him? He trusted you to do it safely. Maybe knowing more would make him feel worse, not better. He's not you. You're not him. You're allowed to be different.

You say he didn't need to know. Examine WHY YOU think it's "better" for him to know. He might not have the imagination or anxiety you do. You shouldn't be making decisions for him. He handles his own emotional management, and you handle yours.

We do need to understand that what one person wants to know (or tell), to feel comfortable, is not what another person would need to know. If you're so eager to share where your first sex with new bf happened, and relive the excitement, tell one of your platonic friends, or your therapist. So what if a platonic friend happens to say, in front of hubs, "Remember the first sex you had with bf (in such and such a place)?" What is bad about this? It's not really something your h needed to know. It's more something to address with your blabbermouth friend.

Also, keep in mind that your new bf is also deserving of privacy. He may not WANT you to tell your hubs the details of the where and how of the sex he just had with you. Each dyad is allowed their privacy. It's not the same as "keeping secrets." Just because you're married to someone doesn't mean you have to tell them private stuff about a friend or lover or family member. In poly, as couples, we need to understand we are not a borg, a hive mind. We are individuals with some separations in our lives and loves.
 
I definitely think don’t ask don’t tell is a recipe for disaster so wanted to check we were far enough along the spectrum!

I think you are fine. It's not a "don't ask, don't tell" thing here like ostrich with head in sand or something. The agreement is this:

So the agreement is that he knows where I’m going and who with but that’s enough unless he asks me specific questions. I totally respect this, even though it goes against every fibre of my being!

And that's good enough for an "agreement in progress."

You made initial agreements. Now you both are testing it out and learning how it works out in "real life." It's ok to be in transition.

In the end I asked if I could tell him and we did it that way.

Asking for consent first is good. Better than just blurting things out at a spouse. So maybe that's an added part to the "agreement in progress" now:

  • He asks if he wants to know something.
  • You ask if you can share something.

Another thing to consider might be this... It's not just your info. It's also new partner's info and they may not like you telling husband TMI details beyond birth control and safer sex practices being used.

So you could have the "information management" conversation not just with your husband, but with the new partner too and figure out the agreements on that side as well.

Galagirl
 
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My husband and I have got to a generally good place thanks, partly to lockdown forcing us to slow things down. He is mono (but I think still on apps so potentially open to more if the right person came along) and I am definitely poly.
How long have you been actively dating pre Covid and now after lockdown ??

He still finds it difficult though, it’s more that he understands and accepts things and knows I love and respect him and want to be with him, rather than compersion or feeling turned on by the thought of me with someone else.

So the agreement is that he knows where I’m going and who with but that’s enough unless he asks me specific questions. I totally respect this, even though it goes against every fibre of my being!
I am a sharer, I am all for openness and honesty. I think that knowing the actual truth - even if you don’t like it - is better than a million what ifs. I don’t want anything to feel like secrets or lies, or to tell a friend something my husband doesn’t know and worry it might come up later!

While I do see both sides of this issue in terms of your desire to share for the sake of openness and honesty and his preference to keep a wall of denial in place. For your husband theres intellectual acceptance and there is emotional acceptance and they might each have their own time table. FOR you trying desperately to hold on to your husband and family and to navigate an exciting new romantic dynamic assert yourself and your new identity/ disentangle and as a result forge a new marriage or different relationship with your husband has a lot of moving parts and not an easy task. Taking your last thread into context I think you have to be careful NOT to over correct or put too many steering corrections into the wheel if that makes sense. Let the disentangling process work. Let the new normal soak in. Let the new marriage come forth it might be too early to want him to be excited for you. THAT this sort of sharing is they same as the hysterical bonding type sharing that helped you open up. WHILE Most struggling monos I’ve talked with DO like the actual truth or blunt force truth it won’t necessarily bring smoother sailing.

I think we as poly people in these situations with mono spouses have to remember/ acknowledge that the mono spouse feeling like they’re taking loss / giving up time attention money, etc. Some in this situation feel like they are settling. Sharing or over sharing details or whatever doesn’t make that go away. In fact it could just make it worse.
 
I am currently mono while my wife is open. I find that I like to hear as much as she is willing to share about her partners and experiences. I feel a lot of compersion knowing she is having fun but also because I adore how these experiences help her shed her shame and guilt about her sexuality. I also feel a ton of arousal hearing about her experiences and what she finds attractive and such. I don't need a blow by blow but we find that the more she shares the more aroused we both get. That being said, she is probably more uncomfortable sharing details than I am about hearing them. She knows I like to hear whatever she is willing to share and I never really push her for more. I try not to pry because I also want to respect my wife's and her partner's need for some privacy.

Aside from what we like about sharing, I have found it to be beneficial to me and our relationship with regard to how I process my feelings. It can feel a bit lopsided when you are on the mono end of a mono/poly dynamic. I found that the more she shares with me the more connected to her and the entire experience I feel. Early on she was more shy about sharing and I had a lot more feelings about being left out. Also, I have a pretty vivid imagination. In situations where I feel anxiety I will always imagine something way worse than the truth or reality. So hearing about it, for me, is always better than not.

The replies here seem to indicate, as with most things poly, everyone has their own preferences and comfort level. My concern for OP is that your partners desire to not want to hear about it may represent a level of tolerance rather than a healthy preference. If they are just in grin and bear it mode to accommodate their partner without doing the emotional work to truly support them, that is bad news. If you do the work I think there is a lot of potential for the mono partner to find happiness and fulfillment. I have found that happiness and my wife's journey and experiences have been additive to our relationship as a couple. She has evolved and is learning to embrace her more authentic self. It results in her being happier, more confident and more fulfilled.

We are 4ish years into this journey and I am still learning and evolving. To me, 18 months does not seem like a lot of time. Perhaps it is best to talk to him. Not about your individual experiences, but how he feels about his experience in this dynamic. What does he feel like is in it for him or for your relationship? Does it make him happy or is he just taking one for the team and trying to deal with it?
 
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