As it is right now they see each other typically twice a week once for lunch date or something of that sort and again for a night out. I have stated that I can deal with that much commitment, but if it ever became a much more structured poly relationship I would be done. Maybe this seems a little harsh but considering what I had asked for and what is happening i don't think I'm being unreasonable.
Should I put the breaks on
- Thread starter RH_1982
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dingedheart
Well-known member
Does she know what you mean by more structured? I think people often use a structure to make it feel less chaotic, giving it more order and creating a routine and time blocking, allowing for some minimal planning, instead of always having something sprung on you.
Do you have kids in the house?
We have 2 kids, 12 and 16. Our 16-yr old daughter does know about it, but we have decided to keep it from the younger one for the time being. I have said that more structured means devoting specific days and and multiple overnights to her partner. If our marriage and our family is the priority, then her time with her partner must be scheduled around everything else.
dingedheart
Well-known member
I think that’s a smart play, because she would likely see or hear something, and assume cheating/infidelity and some impending doom for the marriage and family.
Does her partner have kids, as well? Have you met her partner and the other spouse?
Does her partner have kids, as well? Have you met her partner and the other spouse?
This is terrible. If this is the whole truth, you have a really big mess on your hands. Add in two children, and yikes.
Your wife is bisexual, but was in the closet until just this year. Coming out is hard; I don't blame her for the delay. Did she never give any hints of this? Was it just out of the blue for you?
If she did no research and just went on a dating app and bam, started having sex and falling in love, leaving all the research to you, this is incredibly rude behavior. This could spell the death knell of your marriage.
It is also rude that when you ask where this is going, she just says, "No further," and won't say more. So, now she has 3 dates a week. Does she mean by "no further," that she won't be bringing her gf more into the family, into your house, spending overnights, going on trips with gf, spending holiday time and birthdays together? As dinged asked, have you and she had meetings with her and her wife, as a foursome?
Does your wife even know the difference between parallel poly and kitchen-table poly? It sounds like she wants to keep her dating life in a whole other realm from reality. Her gf is over there in happy NRE pink cloud lala land, and you're the old faithful straight husband/dad keeping the home fires burning, not even allowed to be romantic with anyone else! Like an old dog or old shoe. Fuck that shit; excuse my French. An OPP (one-penis policy) is more common, but I call out a one-vagina policy when I see one.
She had dropped small hints for last couple of years, but they were always more like jokes, so I never picked up on them. And no, she did no research, but I have from day one, and if I bring things to her that I have read, such as poly hell, or other situations that others have been through, she tells me I'm reading a bunch of bullshit and not to listen.
I have met her partner once. She seems to be a very likable person. Neither of us have met her partner's wife. When my wife asked her partner if she should meet her wife, she said "No, she would hate you."
But yes, Magdlyn, as to your last part, this is exactly what she wants.
I have met her partner once. She seems to be a very likable person. Neither of us have met her partner's wife. When my wife asked her partner if she should meet her wife, she said "No, she would hate you."
But yes, Magdlyn, as to your last part, this is exactly what she wants.
Okay. It's time for you to start making your own decisions now. She's not being a good partner. She seems (from here) to only be thinking of her own satisfaction. Where is her empathy and compassion?
What the hell? This keeps getting worse and worse. I'm glad your wife's gf seems "likable," but why is she dating a person her own wife would "hate"? Are they so far apart in their taste in women? I'm in a FF relationship and we generally like each others' partners, since we both seek many (not all, of course) similar qualities in dating partners. Generally if I like a guy, she likes him, or is at least open-minded, and if I decide he's not for me, she stops liking him too. haha
One-vagina policy
dingedheart
Well-known member
That's amazing confidence for someone who hasn't done any research or discovery. All the more reason for you to start dating and let her discover some of this stuff on her own.
A long time ago, another member (Matt, husband to Ry/username Fulloflove1052) told me people don’t get this stuff until they feel it. Your wife might not truly get the elements that make up poly hell until she’s feeling demoted or displaced, etc. Then it won’t seem like bullshit. You should invite her here to to explain why she thinks that to someone going through it at the moment.
The more of your story that comes out, the less likely I’d be to pump the brakes, as opposed to cutting the brakes entirely. Remove all rules and restrictions for her and for yourself. Everyone operates on their best judgment. Let’s see what happens. The timing couldn’t be better… top of the summer.
I think the context and the motivation for the remark could matter. If it's about your wife being younger, more attractive, more fit, that’s one thing. If it’s about personality and social stuff, that’s kind of a weird other thing. Are we 100% sure she’s not cheating on her spouse? Making that statement sort of shuts down that avenue. Not the first time this has happened here.
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Why? Because then she has to take some personal responsibility for how awful she's behaving?
She is behaving VERY poorly. Discovering she's bisexual later in life is not a hall pass for behaving this badly at you.
This doesn't bode well.
Do you have separate finances? It's not like all held jointly, and she's gonna blow it dating her GF, and then you, the kids, and the house bills get shafted, right? If the funds are not separate, take steps to make it so.
If you do not want to be doing poly like this, where it's all reckless and one-sided, you can say NO. You do not have to "get okay" with being a doormat.
What you do next in the medium-term (trial separation?) and long-term (divorce?) might need some thinking out.
You have kids together. Things take time. You might want to secure a counselor for just yourself
But in the short-term, say you do not consent to this reckless jumping-in-blind thing. You do not agree to a one-vagina policy.
Separate your finances if they are not already separate.
Move out of the bedroom, at minimum.
I think you are being "too nice." Possibly you went all "deer in the headlights" or something from surprise/shock/upset. I don't know. But this is NOT ok.
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Neither you nor the other wife has to like how they are going about this, all recklessly.
That would be one way to take personal responsibility for how her behavior is affecting you and the family and making some changes. Not sure if would work out in the end, but you'd at least be trying something different.
But if she doesn't want to take personal responsibility for anything at all and is just hell-bent on doing whatever, I don't know what to tell you, other than maybe stop trying to learn about healthy polyamory, because this isn't it. Perhaps you might change gears to protect and save yourself and the kids instead. You don't have to rush or anything.
It's hard over internet to gauge where you personally are with this. Everything you write seems to be about your wife and what she wants. You and what you want kind of takes a back seat. Maybe it feels disloyal to vent anonymously online about what's happening to you, even though how she is behaving isn't ok. Maybe you are struggling with "How can someone I love treat me like this, in less than loving ways?"
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dingedheart
Well-known member
Well, at least you don’t have to worry about trying to explain it to your 12-yr old, and the neighbor's comment made by the angry lesbian threatening your wife.
Shopping for people is difficult. With just one person's checklist, thinking that yours will get much weight seems extremely far-fetched. Were the roles reversed, would you want your wife inputting what she wanted in one of your partners?
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I just wanted to give an update. As of about 5 days ago, my wife's partner and her wife have decided to divorce. My wife thinks that eventually this will end her relationship with her, because she will be looking for more time and commitment. I also let my wife know that their relationship had gone as far as I could allow, no extra days, very few overnights. She has accepted it and said she will not push. But if she does, then I think it will lead to new negotiations on the marriage being open for me, as well.
One thing to consider is that this might not a polyamory situation at all. Let me explain. It seems like your wife's gf just wanted to get out of her marriage, so she basically went ahead and started a relationship with your wife without her own wife's consent. Their marriage was in trouble and gf wanted a "soft landing." Now, if she wants a fuller r'ship with your wife, and your wife wants that too, it might be the same thing. Your wife may not be truly polyamorous. (I suspect this because of how rudely she is treating you, as if she no longer loves or respects you, or cares about your feelings.) Maybe she just wants to get out of her own marriage too, so she is acting rudely in order to get you to dump her.
Try and figure out if this is the case.
I am also concerned for your children. Is your wife interested in being a decent parent at all, or is she just lost in lesbian NRE? Is there more care for the children, or are you the only carer? Kids that age need rides to after school stuff, doctor's appointments, sports, etc. They need healthy meals and clean clothes and someone to make sure they are doing their chores, hygiene, etc. They need to learn about how to conduct healthy adult relationships themselves. If your wife is not taking responsibility, it's up to you to do it. Your kids are not babies, but they might need someone to talk to about what is going on here. Mom is bisexual, she is dating a woman, you are upset and taking on more than your fair share of responsibilities for this marriage. Kids pick up on these things...
Try and figure out if this is the case.
I am also concerned for your children. Is your wife interested in being a decent parent at all, or is she just lost in lesbian NRE? Is there more care for the children, or are you the only carer? Kids that age need rides to after school stuff, doctor's appointments, sports, etc. They need healthy meals and clean clothes and someone to make sure they are doing their chores, hygiene, etc. They need to learn about how to conduct healthy adult relationships themselves. If your wife is not taking responsibility, it's up to you to do it. Your kids are not babies, but they might need someone to talk to about what is going on here. Mom is bisexual, she is dating a woman, you are upset and taking on more than your fair share of responsibilities for this marriage. Kids pick up on these things...
Maybe. Some people try to use poly for "soft exit" out of a relationship, lining up the new one before dumping the old partner.
Or wife's poly GF might keep dating your wife while seeking other partners.
Good. Same on both sides. Do you actually want that, though? Or do you just want your wife to quit behaving like this?
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My wife is still very much committed to me and our marriage, but she is also really enjoying her new freedom and the NRE. And I think at times she lets it go to her head and forgets the agreement that we had in place.
As far as the kids go, she is still just as attentive, and is always there for them whenever she can be.
Some of the issues that we are going to face are partly my fault. I have always done everything possible to make her happy. I have never said no to her. So that is something new for her and for me. But I did set some new boundaries and the three of us are going to sit down and have a discussion. I'm hopeful this will help clear up some of the unknown issues on all sides.
As far as the kids go, she is still just as attentive, and is always there for them whenever she can be.
Some of the issues that we are going to face are partly my fault. I have always done everything possible to make her happy. I have never said no to her. So that is something new for her and for me. But I did set some new boundaries and the three of us are going to sit down and have a discussion. I'm hopeful this will help clear up some of the unknown issues on all sides.
I would have to say my wife does not want true poly, she has made it very clear that she is not liking the idea of her partner starting other relationships. She wants me and her partner to be all hers. I think she is going to get a very harsh reality check, at some point.
There is no "one true poly." It is possible to have an arrangement that is mono/poly and still have it be a legit poly r'ship. It is all right for your wife to prefer her partners (you and her gf) to have no other partners, while she has two of her own. But that is just an avoidance tactic of her own, to not have to deal with her own fear of loss, which brings on jealousy and insecurity. She seems to think she just gets to have all the fun, while her partners have to do all the work. This is immaturity and denial on her part, for sure.
But if you've always bowed to her wishes, acted like a doormat, as the saying goes. Yes, you need to step up and tell her what you will no longer put up with. You two are equals. She is not the queen. You've always allowed her to treat you like this. There must be other areas in your life together where you've been accepting the short end of the stick.
I am glad she's being present for the kids, at least. Hopefully it's enough. But they might need counseling at some point. Maybe there's a school counselor they would benefit from talking to. Lots of kids go through things like this: one parent realizing they are gay/bi, parents arguing a lot, separation and divorce on the horizon, etc.
So far, what are the consequence? Does she own it, apologize, correct her behavior? Or does she move the goal posts, and you say nothing?
Good.
Even in mono-poly relationships, I prefer both sides have the option to date others, just that the mono person chooses not to exercise the option. Then it is their choice, and not like they don't get it at all, and other partner gets to have a double standard.
If this gf wants to date more people after divorcing her wife, then what? Will your wife dump her because she wants her partners loyal only to her, like she's building a harem, and she only grudgingly accepted the wife because gf came with one already?
Glad to hear you are putting your foot down and setting some personal boundaries for yourself. I'm kind of wondering why that has to be a three person discussion. You just make your personal boundaries for yourself. Nobody else has to like them.
If you decide "I don't lend my things to people. If they ask, I tell them no," that's it. Nobody else but you has to be at that meeting. You decide it. If people ask you, you say no. The neighbor asking to borrow your lawnmower doesn't have to like your personal boundary. They don't have to respect and uphold it. You have to like it, respect it and uphold it.
What new boundaries did you set? Do they contain the action you will do if the situation arises? Or did you mean you want new "shared agreements" that you want the other two to uphold? To me, that is not a "personal boundary." It's okay to ask if they will do it. But not a "personal boundary." What shared agreements do you want?
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