Should I put the breaks on

I do have a question for you as I'm sure you have seen this situation many times bf, and as I am someone that likes facts how often do long term married couple start a monopoly relationship and have things work out well.
 
I don't think anyone has ever collected statistics like that so we don't have facts, just anecdotes.
 
I do have a question for you as I'm sure you have seen this situation many times bf, and as I am someone that likes facts how often do long term married couple start a monopoly relationship and have things work out well.
That sounds like a great question for Chat GPT-4.
 
You seem like you want to be reassured this will all turn out ok if you agree to do mono-poly.
But strangers cannot reassure you. They are not the ones IN this relationship.

I happen to think mono-poly only works when both parties are NOT "strict."

Like if there is toggles?

  • Monoamorous (wants to love 1 sweetie) and strictly monogamous shape (wants 1:1 relationship only)
  • Monoamorous (wants to love 1 sweetie) and relationship shape flexible. Can do monogamy or be end point person in a V or similar.
  • Polyamorous (wants to love more than 1 sweetie) but relationship flexible. Would like poly, but can close down to monogamy if they can at least talk about their poly thoughts and feelings
  • Polyamorous (wants to love more than 1 sweetie) and strictly polyamorous. Wants poly shapes only, never monogamy
If deep down you only want monogamy but are bending yourself into pretzels to hang on to her and avoid a break up? I don't think it bodes well.

If you are trying to figure out if this is you...
  • Monoamorous (wants to love 1 sweetie) and relationship shape flexible. Can do monogamy or be end point person in a V or similar.
Then you have to do some education figure out if you can actually do that. Or not.

Both require that you are SUPER HONEST with your own self.

I think its good you are trying to secure a therapist.

I also think you could ask if she's willing to limit it to the people already here while doing therapy. Not date any more NEW poly partners cuz this is enough changes in a short time as it is and stressy.
 
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Hi RH,

Mono/poly relationships are definitely a thing, and they do happen. They are extra challenging (poly/poly relationships are challenging enough), but they can be done. I would estimate that of the couples who try mono/poly, the majority are unsuccessful, but a significant minority (35%?) are successful. I'm just kind of throwing that out there in answer to your query.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
... How often do long-term married couples start a mono-poly relationship and have things work out well?
You mean a relationship where one person is monogamous and the other person is polyamorous? There are no stats, since polyamory is a relatively new phenomenon and has not been studied thoroughly.

I will say that in the ancient world, where polygyny was the norm (one man with multiple women), relationships where one person (the man) was allowed as many partners as he could afford, while the other partners (the women) were only allowed one male partner, did last for lifetimes, but of course, society fully supported this kind of set up. Just the same, there was divorce. A man could set aside any of his wives for any reason, just cut them off and send them away penniless, disgraced and unmarriageable, with no resources and often no opportunities except prostitution or death.

There is biblical evidence that there was often competition and resentment between wives, as well, with the newest wife often being favored by the husband for a time, until the next one came along. Although then the newest wife was often treated very badly by the other wives.

I'd say that in contemporary polyamory, a mono-poly relationship can work out perfectly fine, if the mono partner is mono by choice. But if one partner says, "I get multiple partners, but you don't," things will not work out.
 
So I am in the latter category, when my wife asked for ENM it was so she could satisfy her desire to be with another woman, not other men. So she asked that I stay mono bc I already have a women at home, this is one of the hardest things that ideas dealing with no that I want to date but I had been very upfront about this being a physical thing. And had made it very clear that I didn't want it to become anything more.
 
I am in the latter category. When my wife asked for ENM it was so she could satisfy her desire to be with another woman, not other men. So she asked that I stay mono because I already had a women at home. This was one of the hardest things to deal with. Not that I want to date, but I had been very upfront about this being a physical thing, and had made it very clear that I didn't want it to become anything more.
It's possible to make idealistic agreements about how you (plural) are going to do polyamory, before you actually start doing it, only to quickly realize, once you really start doing it, that your naive expectations and agreements are not workable. This is when one or both of you says, "These rules/agreements/wishes/guidelines are not working for me and I am afraid I can no longer consent to them and I must renegotiate."

Agreements:
- She agreed she'd date women only.
- You agreed you'd only date one person, her.
- You expected she would have sex but not have any feelings about it other than purely physical pleasure.

Results:
- Now, maybe she never will want to date another man. But I'd suggest, if she's bi, once she gets going in poly, there is a chance she could get interested in dating other men too.
- You thought you could go along with the reasoning that you are straight, and she is bi, therefore you get one lover, and she gets two. Now this seems unreasonable and lopsided.
- She had the sex, she liked the sex, she liked the sex partner, she fell in love with her.

Time to renegotiate. It must seem shocking that your expectations were not met on so many different levels.
 
It really was I know we were both very new to this and my request for no feelings was probably never going to work. Several other people have suggested that we make a new arrangement where we each have one other partner, this will help me not totally focusing on her and her partner and all the NRE and will allow us both a better chance to understand the feelings on both sides
 
I think an arrangement where you each have one other partner, would be more fair than your current setup.
 
It really was I know we were both very new to this and my request for no feelings was probably never going to work.

Yup. You see that now.

Several other people have suggested that we make a new arrangement where we each have one other partner, this will help me not totally focusing on her and her partner and all the NRE and will allow us both a better chance to understand the feelings on both sides
I disagree. That treats other people like cupcake. She gets a cupcake, so you get a cupcake.

But other people are PEOPLE. They are not THINGS. And dragging other people into messy couple weird is unkind.
I think you could ask her to limit it to this ONE dating partner and no more new people.

And you both seek a poly counselor to work with.

Cuz what if you both date other people. And you are STILL hung up on your wife and all her NRE and now are ALSO neglecting the new partner?

What if you discover you like your new partner better than wife? Then what?

Do not ADD more problems to the pile. Deal with the ones you have already.

She has told me in the past she would never be ok with me having a emotional bond with anyone but her, and she has asked me to stay mono bc I already have a women at home

This is a double standard. She's not ok with you having an emotional bond with anyone but her, but wants you to be ok with her having an emotional bond with her GF.

And then ANOTHER double standard where wife can date others but you can't. Even if you don't esp. want to date other people? You could NOT agree to that. You choosing not to exercise the option is different than you not getting the option at all.

If in the end? You prefer monogamy? And don't want to deal in any of this poly stuff? You can say so.

If in the end? At most you'd do monogamish -- like mostly monogamous but casual sex encounters here and there? No regular dating partner? Just one time things? You can say so.

If it ends up at she wants polyamory and you do not? You two are no longer compatible. I think it is better to face that head on than take "the long way around" possible hurting selves and other people in the mix.

You might review this.


I am concerned you are trying to bend all into pretzels not really wanting any of this. But scared to speak up or break up.

Is that true?
 
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She has told me in the past she would never be ok with me having a emotional bond with anyone but her, and she has asked me to stay mono bc I already have a women at home. She has no interest in other men and also has no intention of looking for any other partners. I have spent almost 20 years with her so I know she is who I want to be with that has never been a question for me. As for what I want I was hoping she would be content with a fwb relationship with her partner and keep the love in our marriage. I see now this is not possible I just don't know how to move forward without causing any damage to our relationship. I am getting some help from a therapist but they don't always have much advice for me, which is why I'm here for advice from people they know and understand.
I agree with galagirl, the option should be there for you to be with people outside your marriage, even if you never choose to exercise it. That conversation will inevitably cause your wife to feel some emotions, and maybe it'll be good to remind her that not everything is sunshine and NRE rainbows. You both still have a relationship that needs to be worked on, and her new found freedom has consequences, for lack of a better word.

If you know you want to be with her, then you should think about whether you can be happy if you're not seeing anyone else and she is. Even if you decide to put yourself out there, I have noticed on this site that poly women on average have an easier time finding partners than poly men.
Think hard about how far you want to get into this, because backing out of a relationship once more time has passed will feel harder for her to do, and resentment will build up on both sides. If she is also serious about your marriage, then you are still (and always, imo) at a point where she can cut off this other relationship and go back to being monogamous. If she won't do that now, do you want to stay? Will you still want to stay, even if she agrees to you being allowed to see others (which she should imo), and you have less success with dating? How far do you think she will allow this to go, given that she has already broke agreements you two made? I agree with SeasonedPolyAgain, I would not have asked my husband to only see other men as you asked your wife to only see other women. I do understand many straight men's view that their partner being with a woman is less threatening, but that's just some hetero bullshit. That being said, if it was an agreement you both agreed to, that makes it valid... but all agreements can be adjusted over time with consent from everyone involved. What boundaries/agreements do you want to make with your wife for the future? Do you think she will follow them?

My perspective is of a mono-poly situation with my husband (I'm the poly). It is just what is happening for now, and if he wanted to change his mind I would have to be open to it, because that is what is fair. Doesn't mean it would be easy. Even though he is not with anyone else, our relationship has inevitably changed; i.e. he is more flirty and toys with the idea of being with other women, he's hooked up with another woman when he was feeling shit out, but hasn't found anyone to date and isn't actively looking. He may never look. He might tell me tomorrow that it's something he's interested in. It is not a monogamous relationship in either of our eyes, even if he doesn't have a set 'partner' persay. That would give cuck vibes, and neither of my partners are into that. Perhaps even me calling it mono-poly is inaccurate at this point, idk. labels are usually wack anyway. It has been my experience that me even just being okay with him maneuvering differently in our relationship has done wonders for us, as he feels he has autonomy to do what he pleases and can think a little less about the fact that I have two partners and making things 'even'. That's our experience though. Everyone wants/needs something different at different times, and you may find if you stay with you partner that your relationship becomes something you haven't found an example of in the poly world.

I empathize with you both, and hope that you can find a way to make this work for all involved.
 
I agree with galagirl, the option should be there for you to be with people outside your marriage, even if you never choose to exercise it. That conversation will inevitably cause your wife to feel some emotions, and maybe it'll be good to remind her that not everything is sunshine and NRE rainbows. You both still have a relationship that needs to be worked on, and her new found freedom has consequences, for lack of a better word.

If you know you want to be with her, then you should think about whether you can be happy if you're not seeing anyone else and she is. Even if you decide to put yourself out there, I have noticed on this site that poly women on average have an easier time finding partners than poly men.
Think hard about how far you want to get into this, because backing out of a relationship once more time has passed will feel harder for her to do, and resentment will build up on both sides. If she is also serious about your marriage, then you are still (and always, imo) at a point where she can cut off this other relationship and go back to being monogamous. If she won't do that now, do you want to stay? Will you still want to stay, even if she agrees to you being allowed to see others (which she should imo), and you have less success with dating? How far do you think she will allow this to go, given that she has already broke agreements you two made? I agree with SeasonedPolyAgain, I would not have asked my husband to only see other men as you asked your wife to only see other women. I do understand many straight men's view that their partner being with a woman is less threatening, but that's just some hetero bullshit. That being said, if it was an agreement you both agreed to, that makes it valid... but all agreements can be adjusted over time with consent from everyone involved. What boundaries/agreements do you want to make with your wife for the future? Do you think she will follow them?

My perspective is of a mono-poly situation with my husband (I'm the poly). It is just what is happening for now, and if he wanted to change his mind I would have to be open to it, because that is what is fair. Doesn't mean it would be easy. Even though he is not with anyone else, our relationship has inevitably changed; i.e. he is more flirty and toys with the idea of being with other women, he's hooked up with another woman when he was feeling shit out, but hasn't found anyone to date and isn't actively looking. He may never look. He might tell me tomorrow that it's something he's interested in. It is not a monogamous relationship in either of our eyes, even if he doesn't have a set 'partner' persay. That would give cuck vibes, and neither of my partners are into that. Perhaps even me calling it mono-poly is inaccurate at this point, idk. labels are usually wack anyway. It has been my experience that me even just being okay with him maneuvering differently in our relationship has done wonders for us, as he feels he has autonomy to do what he pleases and can think a little less about the fact that I have two partners and making things 'even'. That's our experience though. Everyone wants/needs something different at different times, and you may find if you stay with you partner that your relationship becomes something you haven't found an example of in the poly world.

I empathize with you both, and hope that you can find a way to make this work for all involved.
Thank you for your response, it helps getting the perspective of others that are in the same situation and know more than I. I have a lot of work to do and it's something that I will do bc I am still committed to my wife and our marriage. Getting advice seems to be helping the most right now so thank you.
 
I would like to clarify I asked my wife to see women only bc that is why she asked
for ENM.
She then didn't want me to date others saying I was hers and hers alone so I was asking the same of her, not to get attached and have any strong feeling so she would be mine and mine a lone. I didn't think i was bring unreasonable but maybe I was.
 
Do you have a hard time telling your wife "No, thanks?"

You were not being unreasonable in the sense that you wanted romantic exclusivity the same as her. I just don't see why you didn't say "No, thanks. No ENM" and maintained romantic exclusivity that way.

But you agreed thinking her and her married GF would keep it to sex fun like FWB.

You were both being unrealistic in thinking that sex with a regular partner would not eventually lead to feelings.

Since you both went into it kind of naive?

Agreements need to be updated then to deal with the new reality.

Do you even want to deal with polyamory? You have to be really honest with yourself there. If you cannot answer that yet? Be honest about that then. Do some self education. Find out.

I think it's fair to ask wife to slow down long enough to renegotiate.

I think if you are going to continue in this way? It needs to be the same on both sides.

If she has the option to date whoever she's attracted to? Then you get the option to date whoever you are attracted to. Whether you choose to USE the option or not? The option exists.

(The idea that she dates same sex and you date same sex makes no sense if you aren't even into guys. So don't go making new wonky agreements. Enough with the wonky.)

If she gets the option to form emotional connections with others? Then you have the same option. Whether or not you use it or not? Doesn't matter. You have the option.

It's the difference between you coming to shared agreements that are fair on both sides and each one of you being responsible for your own selves and your own choices.

Or her being the boss of you and agreements skewing in her favor. If that is a dynamic you enjoy? Have at it. Enjoy.

If that is NOT a dynamic you enjoy? And you don't want this being like you gave an inch and she takes a mile? Or a bunch of moving goal posts? Speak up. Advocate for your own self. Negotiate for something more fair.

It is ok to be new to stuff and realize you bungled some things.

It is not ok to keep going with the bungly now that you see it.

Why not take a time out to correct course?

The Opening Up book is free to read online. Could start there.

 
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Do you have a hard time telling your wife "No, thanks?"

You were not being unreasonable in the sense that you wanted romantic exclusivity the same as her. I just don't see why you didn't say "No, thanks. No ENM" and maintained romantic exclusivity that way.

But you agreed thinking her and her married GF would keep it to sex fun like FWB.

You were both being unrealistic in thinking that sex with a regular partner would not eventually lead to feelings.

Since you both went into it kind of naive?

Agreements need to be updated then to deal with the new reality.

Do you even want to deal with polyamory? You have to be really honest with yourself there. If you cannot answer that yet? Be honest about that then. Do some self education. Find out.

I think it's fair to ask wife to slow down long enough to renegotiate.

I think if you are going to continue in this way? It needs to be the same on both sides.

If she has the option to date whoever she's attracted to? Then you get the option to date whoever you are attracted to. Whether you choose to USE the option or not? The option exists.

(The idea that she dates same sex and you date same sex makes no sense if you aren't even into guys. So don't go making new wonky agreements. Enough with the wonky.)

If she gets the option to form emotional connections with others? Then you have the same option. Whether or not you use it or not? Doesn't matter. You have the option.

It's the difference between you coming to shared agreements that are fair on both sides and each one of you being responsible for your own selves and your own choices.

Or her being the boss of you and agreements skewing in her favor. If that is a dynamic you enjoy? Have at it. Enjoy.

If that is NOT a dynamic you enjoy? And you don't want this being like you gave an inch and she takes a mile? Or a bunch of moving goal posts? Speak up. Advocate for your own self. Negotiate for something more fair.

It is ok to be new to stuff and realize you bungled some things.

It is not ok to keep going with the bungly now that you see it.

Why not take a time out to correct course?

The Opening Up book is free to read online. Could start there.

Thank you
 
Three months ago my wife asked for ENM so she could explore her new found bisexuality, I agreed so we both decided I would remain mono and she would not date other men. I told her my expectations were that their relationship would not interfere with our marriage and that I wanted it to be more fwb and not a more structured relationship. Since then they have both admitted to loving each other, and don't see any problem even though this is not what I or her partners wife wanted. Should I ask her to slow down and rethink where this is going, any advice would be great.
do you know what sparked her discovery / interest in being bisexual ? HOW many yrs have you been together at that point ? And more importantly what type of education and preparation had she done leading up to her first date ?

I THINK having both sides open makes the educational work and process more fair. It seems the struggling mono who end up here have to do a masters night course level reading on emotional management, time management, NRE management, risk management and poly spouse floats about worrying personal hygiene before and after dates and or what to wear AND hopefully the sex sex rule.

I dont know if it matters if you ask her to slow down that horse may have left the barn but I think you she definitely ask her very directly where this is going Or where she like it to go.
 
Ok so she has had these feelings for a very long time, but they came out after we had been together for 19 yes. After she asked me about ENM I rwd everything I could find and sent many messages to other people from the poly community. She on the other hand did not and went a dating app to a sexual relationship in just over a month. I. Have asked where this going or where she would like it to go, and I usually get the same answer she doesn't think it's going any further and is fine with that.
 
Ok so she has had these feelings for a very long time, but they came out after we had been together for 19 yes. After she asked me about ENM I rwd everything I could find and sent many messages to other people from the poly community. She on the other hand did not and went a dating app to a sexual relationship in just over a month.
case and point 😉.
I. Have asked where this going or where she would like it to go, and I usually get the same answer she doesn't think it's going any further and is fine with that.

Further than what ?? the current schedule or system. I think either she’s being very naive or she trying to calm your nerves let you get use to the water right now before turning up the heat again.
I’d invite you to look at old threads or blogs and see the kind of progression or love creep. Good news she not talking about seeing herself splitting her time between houses or something but lots of folks her do that so that’s not a far fetched idea or vision to have. It might sound crazy to you today but trust me it’s not.
 
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