That sounds like a great question for Chat GPT-4.I do have a question for you as I'm sure you have seen this situation many times bf, and as I am someone that likes facts how often do long term married couple start a monopoly relationship and have things work out well.
I didn't think you have any hard facts about this, I guess I don't know what I wanted to hear.I don't think anyone has ever collected statistics like that so we don't have facts, just anecdotes.
You mean a relationship where one person is monogamous and the other person is polyamorous? There are no stats, since polyamory is a relatively new phenomenon and has not been studied thoroughly.... How often do long-term married couples start a mono-poly relationship and have things work out well?
It's possible to make idealistic agreements about how you (plural) are going to do polyamory, before you actually start doing it, only to quickly realize, once you really start doing it, that your naive expectations and agreements are not workable. This is when one or both of you says, "These rules/agreements/wishes/guidelines are not working for me and I am afraid I can no longer consent to them and I must renegotiate."I am in the latter category. When my wife asked for ENM it was so she could satisfy her desire to be with another woman, not other men. So she asked that I stay mono because I already had a women at home. This was one of the hardest things to deal with. Not that I want to date, but I had been very upfront about this being a physical thing, and had made it very clear that I didn't want it to become anything more.
It really was I know we were both very new to this and my request for no feelings was probably never going to work.
I disagree. That treats other people like cupcake. She gets a cupcake, so you get a cupcake.Several other people have suggested that we make a new arrangement where we each have one other partner, this will help me not totally focusing on her and her partner and all the NRE and will allow us both a better chance to understand the feelings on both sides
She has told me in the past she would never be ok with me having a emotional bond with anyone but her, and she has asked me to stay mono bc I already have a women at home
I agree with galagirl, the option should be there for you to be with people outside your marriage, even if you never choose to exercise it. That conversation will inevitably cause your wife to feel some emotions, and maybe it'll be good to remind her that not everything is sunshine and NRE rainbows. You both still have a relationship that needs to be worked on, and her new found freedom has consequences, for lack of a better word.She has told me in the past she would never be ok with me having a emotional bond with anyone but her, and she has asked me to stay mono bc I already have a women at home. She has no interest in other men and also has no intention of looking for any other partners. I have spent almost 20 years with her so I know she is who I want to be with that has never been a question for me. As for what I want I was hoping she would be content with a fwb relationship with her partner and keep the love in our marriage. I see now this is not possible I just don't know how to move forward without causing any damage to our relationship. I am getting some help from a therapist but they don't always have much advice for me, which is why I'm here for advice from people they know and understand.
Thank you for your response, it helps getting the perspective of others that are in the same situation and know more than I. I have a lot of work to do and it's something that I will do bc I am still committed to my wife and our marriage. Getting advice seems to be helping the most right now so thank you.I agree with galagirl, the option should be there for you to be with people outside your marriage, even if you never choose to exercise it. That conversation will inevitably cause your wife to feel some emotions, and maybe it'll be good to remind her that not everything is sunshine and NRE rainbows. You both still have a relationship that needs to be worked on, and her new found freedom has consequences, for lack of a better word.
If you know you want to be with her, then you should think about whether you can be happy if you're not seeing anyone else and she is. Even if you decide to put yourself out there, I have noticed on this site that poly women on average have an easier time finding partners than poly men.
Think hard about how far you want to get into this, because backing out of a relationship once more time has passed will feel harder for her to do, and resentment will build up on both sides. If she is also serious about your marriage, then you are still (and always, imo) at a point where she can cut off this other relationship and go back to being monogamous. If she won't do that now, do you want to stay? Will you still want to stay, even if she agrees to you being allowed to see others (which she should imo), and you have less success with dating? How far do you think she will allow this to go, given that she has already broke agreements you two made? I agree with SeasonedPolyAgain, I would not have asked my husband to only see other men as you asked your wife to only see other women. I do understand many straight men's view that their partner being with a woman is less threatening, but that's just some hetero bullshit. That being said, if it was an agreement you both agreed to, that makes it valid... but all agreements can be adjusted over time with consent from everyone involved. What boundaries/agreements do you want to make with your wife for the future? Do you think she will follow them?
My perspective is of a mono-poly situation with my husband (I'm the poly). It is just what is happening for now, and if he wanted to change his mind I would have to be open to it, because that is what is fair. Doesn't mean it would be easy. Even though he is not with anyone else, our relationship has inevitably changed; i.e. he is more flirty and toys with the idea of being with other women, he's hooked up with another woman when he was feeling shit out, but hasn't found anyone to date and isn't actively looking. He may never look. He might tell me tomorrow that it's something he's interested in. It is not a monogamous relationship in either of our eyes, even if he doesn't have a set 'partner' persay. That would give cuck vibes, and neither of my partners are into that. Perhaps even me calling it mono-poly is inaccurate at this point, idk. labels are usually wack anyway. It has been my experience that me even just being okay with him maneuvering differently in our relationship has done wonders for us, as he feels he has autonomy to do what he pleases and can think a little less about the fact that I have two partners and making things 'even'. That's our experience though. Everyone wants/needs something different at different times, and you may find if you stay with you partner that your relationship becomes something you haven't found an example of in the poly world.
I empathize with you both, and hope that you can find a way to make this work for all involved.
Thank youDo you have a hard time telling your wife "No, thanks?"
You were not being unreasonable in the sense that you wanted romantic exclusivity the same as her. I just don't see why you didn't say "No, thanks. No ENM" and maintained romantic exclusivity that way.
But you agreed thinking her and her married GF would keep it to sex fun like FWB.
You were both being unrealistic in thinking that sex with a regular partner would not eventually lead to feelings.
Since you both went into it kind of naive?
Agreements need to be updated then to deal with the new reality.
Do you even want to deal with polyamory? You have to be really honest with yourself there. If you cannot answer that yet? Be honest about that then. Do some self education. Find out.
I think it's fair to ask wife to slow down long enough to renegotiate.
I think if you are going to continue in this way? It needs to be the same on both sides.
If she has the option to date whoever she's attracted to? Then you get the option to date whoever you are attracted to. Whether you choose to USE the option or not? The option exists.
(The idea that she dates same sex and you date same sex makes no sense if you aren't even into guys. So don't go making new wonky agreements. Enough with the wonky.)
If she gets the option to form emotional connections with others? Then you have the same option. Whether or not you use it or not? Doesn't matter. You have the option.
It's the difference between you coming to shared agreements that are fair on both sides and each one of you being responsible for your own selves and your own choices.
Or her being the boss of you and agreements skewing in her favor. If that is a dynamic you enjoy? Have at it. Enjoy.
If that is NOT a dynamic you enjoy? And you don't want this being like you gave an inch and she takes a mile? Or a bunch of moving goal posts? Speak up. Advocate for your own self. Negotiate for something more fair.
It is ok to be new to stuff and realize you bungled some things.
It is not ok to keep going with the bungly now that you see it.
Why not take a time out to correct course?
The Opening Up book is free to read online. Could start there.
do you know what sparked her discovery / interest in being bisexual ? HOW many yrs have you been together at that point ? And more importantly what type of education and preparation had she done leading up to her first date ?Three months ago my wife asked for ENM so she could explore her new found bisexuality, I agreed so we both decided I would remain mono and she would not date other men. I told her my expectations were that their relationship would not interfere with our marriage and that I wanted it to be more fwb and not a more structured relationship. Since then they have both admitted to loving each other, and don't see any problem even though this is not what I or her partners wife wanted. Should I ask her to slow down and rethink where this is going, any advice would be great.
case and point .Ok so she has had these feelings for a very long time, but they came out after we had been together for 19 yes. After she asked me about ENM I rwd everything I could find and sent many messages to other people from the poly community. She on the other hand did not and went a dating app to a sexual relationship in just over a month.
I. Have asked where this going or where she would like it to go, and I usually get the same answer she doesn't think it's going any further and is fine with that.