Sleeping Arrangements and Beds: Merged Threads, General Discussion

I second YGirl's comment.

There is no "protocol" on whether or not a girlfriend is allowed to sleep in an established couple's bed.

In our marriage, we have an agreement that we can have sex with other people in the house, but our marital bed is sacrosanct. In other marriages/relationships, people all share the bed together. In yet other arrangements, some partners are allowed in the bed if the nesting partner has met them and is comfortable with that person in their bed.

I wouldn't want to date any man who would be offended at not being allowed in my husband's bed. That would tell me he does not respect my husband's boundaries.
 
My husband and I have our own bedrooms, and sometimes he sleeps with me because we started out that way. His room in our house has reverted to the way his room looked when we first met... I would venture that no woman would WANT to sleep in there, but I did...

If I were involved with someone who regularly shares a bed with their live-in partner, I'm not sure I'd WANT to sleep in their bed unless I had some sort of independent connection with the other partner, and then only if the other partner offered that option.

If I had another partner who lived alone, I'd probably go to their place to get it on... But this is all hypothetical when it comes to my situation.

Of course, I'd talk about it with the other people involved regardless of what I would want in my own ideal world.
 
LoL, well my husband, in a way, has his own house :p Considering his out-of-town work schedule, he lives in his new motor home much more than he lives in the house he pays the mortgage on... But to me, that's all the reason to make our bed really "his" when he does come home.
 
Curly and I sleep apart. She decides who sleeps in her bed and I decide who sleeps in mine. I also much prefer to sleep alone, so these days it's very rare for anyone to sleep in my bed besides me.

Beyond that, I'd never regard any place I couldn't invite somebody to sleep with me as my regular sleeping space. The moment any partner says, "You can't have anybody besides me sleep here," is the moment I find somewhere else to sleep.

Obviously, other folks handle this sort of thing in a different fashion. I'll add to the chorus saying y'all need to sit down and work it out for your own situation.
 
I've never had a particular piece of furniture come up as a poly- negotiation, but, well, it's clearly come up for you, so talk to Pru. To make this stuff work, one has got to be able to talk to one's partner about pretty much *anything* without fear of offending them.

I don't know that it needs to be a three-way conversation, though, but I'm not sure if that was what YGirl was suggesting. I will say that if I was the girlfriend, I'd find a "no bed" rule pretty strange, but, you know, people are often pretty strange.

AutumnalTone said:
Beyond that, I'd never regard anyplace I couldn't invite somebody to sleep with me as my regular sleeping space.
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Yeah, totally.
 
I have been with Mono for over a year and a half and the only time he has slept in our bed is if invited by me and Nerdist. We have a boundary about anyone other than us sleeping in our bed. We had a lot of history together in that bed, and while it is just a piece of furniture, that history needs respecting in our minds. When I have a room of my own then I will create my own history.

The bottom line is that it should be discussed with the wife and then with the girlfriend. If it needs to be all three, then so be it. End of story. Why it would become an issue is beyond me. I would have a hard time with anyone who thinks that they are not good enough because they aren't allowed to sleep in my marriage bed. Red flag. What next? Would she get pissed off because you have to end a date early because you child needs you? If this is a real concern, perhaps the poly you are achieving is different than hers.
 
jkelly said:
I don't know that it needs to be a three-way conversation, though, but I'm not sure if that was what YGirl was suggesting. I will say that if I was the girlfriend, I'd find a "no bed" rule pretty strange, but, you know, people are often pretty strange.
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I realize it could have come across as though I was suggesting a 3-way "meeting"... Of course, they could do that if they wanted to.

redpepper said:
I have been with Mono for over a year and a half and the only time he has slept in our bed is if invited by me and Nerdist. we have a boundary about anyone other than us sleeping in our bed. We had a lot of history together in that bed and while it is just a piece of furniture, that history needs respecting in our minds. When I have a room of my own then I will create my own history :D

The bottom line is that it should be discussed with the wife and then with the girlfriend. If it needs to be all three then so be it. End of story. Why it would become an issue is beyond me, I would have a hard time with anyone who thinks that they are not good enough because they aren't allowed to sleep in my marriage bed... red flag, what next? Would she get pissed off because you have to end a date early because you child needs you? If this is a real concern, perhaps the poly you are achieving is different than hers.
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I was thinking that he should ALSO ask the girlfriend if SHE feels comfortable sleeping in the "marriage-bed" (if the Wife says "OK"). If someone thought of and referred to their bed as the "marriage-bed", then that to me suggests that it is their own sacred, private place. If I were the girlfriend, I'm not too sure I'd be comfortable fucking someone in their sacred, private place that they share with someone else... But that's just me.

OTOH, I wouldn't be too crazy about getting a hotel room, either. Don't you folks have another bed in the house you can use, or perhaps invest in a futon or air mattress for use as your "marriage-bed" with the girlfriend? (not redpepper, the OP)

Although, perhaps if you TALK ABOUT IT, you will find that neither of the ladies have a problem with it. They might ask you to change the sheets though. I think that's fair.
 
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I would think anyone who had a problem with the sanctity of a bed or space that is special to a couple is suffering a bad case of the toddler's syndrome: Me, me, me! Why, why, why?
 
Mono,

MonoVCPHG said:
I would think anyone who had a problem with the sanctity of a bed or space that is special to a couple is suffering a bad case of the toddler's syndrome: Me, me, me. Why, why, why?
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Hmm... This strikes me as not only strangely dismissive, but also kind of unimaginative.

Like, if I was dating someone who told me that they had a sanctified piece of furniture, and that because that piece of furniture was sanctified that we couldn't have sex on it, I would definitely want to ask questions about that. It suggests a view of the sacred that is pretty far from mine, and also suggests that there's something about having sex with me that is profane, both of which I'd want to have some discussion around.

As I said earlier, I think it's odd to have rules about specific pieces of furniture, but people are, you know, quirky. If someone just straight-up said, 'Date nights are Thursdays and every second Saturday, we need to always use barriers, and we can't use the bed,' I'd shrug that off as a quirk. But if someone starts getting into this religious stuff around 'sanctity,' that starts sounding like a much bigger deal and maybe even potentially problematic.
 
I just want to elaborate on this.

My husband and I together own a teardrop trailer (google it if you want to know what it is). Even though it is an inanimate object, I would feel very uncomfortable about either one of us having sex or even camping with someone else in that object. It's something we put a lot of time and effort in together and something that is really all about "us"... If I were to go camping with someone else I'd use another method of shelter. If we broke up t hen we would have to sell it.

Sorry, this is NOT "petty" to me. Too fucking bad.

On that note, I have become squiffy from my wine, but I stand by what I have said.
 
YGirl said:
Sorry, this is NOT "petty" to me. Too fucking bad.

On that note, I have become squiffy from my wine, but I stand by what I have said.
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I'm on your side, YGirl. Jeesh, tough crowd. I think someone having an issue with you having a special place is petty. I don't think having a special place is. I totally respect Redpepper and Polynerdist's special places. I think couples should have some things that are sacred.
 
Mono's entire apartment is sacred to him, and by this I definitely don't mean religiously. Spiritual maybe, a sanctuary maybe, but not religious. Mono hasn't allowed anyone there but us. His space apart from others is very important to him. He and I bought everything in it for him and me to use. It's where he re-groups, finds solace. It's where we hash things out and come back together. I can't imagine someone but us being there. If someone showed up it would feel very strange and uncomfortable.

Yes, I understand entirely what it means to have attachments to furniture and places. Our whole house is filled with my childhood stuff; dining room set, dresser. My boy has my bunk bed. Nerdist's family stuff too: a writing desk, bookshelves, hall table. All of these things I would expect guests to respect if we asked them and as good manners. Not that I'm anal, to me it is just good manners to respect a host's wishes. Especially a metamour!
 
And it's not as though we don't recognize the difference between objects and the well-being of people, isn't that correct redpepper?

I certainly don't confuse the sentimentality of the trailer with the actual relationship I have with my husband.
 
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YGirl said:
And it's not as though we don't recognize the difference between objects and the well-being of people. Isn't that correct, Redpepper?

I certainly don't confuse the sentimentality of the trailer with the actual relationship I have with my husband.
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Sentimentality and relationships are two different ball games, yet can be closely linked. Agree on that one.
 
It irks me when I hear of women who for example, have lost their wedding ring, and they are devastated. They say things like "That ring was the SYMBOL of our RELATIONSHIP! WAHHH!"

I for one am not delusional to the point that I think of the trailer as the "symbol of our relationship". The object can be replaced. The person can't.

ETA: I should add (and I've said this before elsewhere) that we don't have wedding or engagement rings.
 
In our home, I sleep in my own room and my housemates sleep together. I am invited in regularly to sleep when one is gone or when we all want to be together. I do not like to sleep with others, for the most part, so they come into my room and sometimes are there most of the night. We really communicate at the moment. The boundaries are clear. I don't sleep there unless invited and it's the same with my room. I love it. I don't worry about sharing unless I want to, but they feel close and like to snuggle at night regularly.

As for your question, you need to talk to them. Make sure they communicate together with you. I hope it all works out for you. Blessings!
 
I'm of the opinion that if I lose something then I was not meant to have it anymore. While I might get attached to things I own, I can also be fine without. There is always more stuff that can be significant. I would miss that stuff.

This is a strangely metamorphic theory on my relationships.
 
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