Solo poly people - what's your ideal?

IndieSolo

IndieSolo

Active member
Okay, so since coming here, I have read lots of personal stories about tribes, triads, and vees (oh my!)... and quads and other various configurations for polyamorous relationships. I am learning so much and appreciating all the new perspectives and depth of revelation people have given me here.

It seems that there are quite a number of of people focused on these types of relationships, i.e., building families with kids, having primaries, secondaries, and so on, all living together, which is great, but so NOT what I'm into. That may have to do with my urban lifestyle as much as anything else. So, I am wondering about the solo poly person.

Being that I am coming out of a 10-year+ mono marriage and considering poly for myself now as a newly-minted-single-again person, I know I'm not interested in getting married again for quite some time (if ever). I am 50 now and have never been interested in having kids. I am beginning to love having my apartment to myself again, now that my ex has moved out, and am looking forward to enjoying my independence and getting to know myself better with some quality alone time.

I love reading about all the ways poly works for so many different people, and I keep wondering what would work for me. I'm not sure if I want a primary (besides myself), however that is defined. When I think about the possibility of living polyamorously, I have some images or conceptualizations that come to mind, and then it gets a little murky. Of course, what's possible in reality usually far surpasses our dreams of what we want, but it can be useful to have a picture to move toward.

So I thought I'd throw out some questions to anyone out there who is unattached or considers themselves a solo poly person. What is your ideal situation? Are you already there, or hoping to get there? I look forward to reading your responses while I formulate my own. Thanks!
 
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Thanks for asking this. I have attempted to prompt conversation, at least from the sex side, but it's tough going, and I don't get a lot of it. I hope you get some insightful responses. I can't wait to hear more! :D

I would like to hear thoughts on what the difference is between dating and "solo poly." I like this term. I have heard references to "single," but that is a bit of an oxymoron for me.
 
I think my "ideal" would be a closed V, or a triad, with two female partners. (I'm male.) But I think that is a little too restrictive. The best way would be to just see what happens and where it goes, working out the bumps on the way. I may end up just being with one person at a time. It's not as if I can know when another person would come along that I wanted to be with. I can't tell if whoever I was already with would be okay with that until I asked, either.

I wouldn't leave someone I love just to "find out" if it would work with someone else. Not again. It was a terrible mistake for me to make back then. It left me feeling terrible. If only I'd known about poly back then, and maybe talked it through with them both.
 
For me, the definition of polyamory is the answer to your question. Many loves; love being the operative word. If we (we are a couple again) find one more person and fall in love, then we'd become a V or triad, depending on orientation(?). If by some miracle we found another person that we all loved, then a quad, if another couple, then a quint (?). lol

And on it goes. Our ideal depends on how fortunate we are to find other poly people that we are also lucky enough to care deeply about and have our love reciprocated by them. That in itself would be a minor miracle.

So, long answer longer, our ideal would end up being wherever our hearts take us.
 
I am relatively new, not so much to theoretical poly, because a lot of compersionate sideline plots are involved in standard sci fi and fantasy genre reading, but to the practice of such in real life. I am in a committed relationship with my husband. What other relationship/relationships develop will have a lot to do with meeting compatible others, how much time we all have, and whether we are all mature enough to not have it all blow up in our faces in a nasty way.

Right now, I think I am more looking for a friend or two, with the long-term potential to become more. I am not even looking that hard, because I am actually pretty good, personality-wise, at hanging out with just me for extended periods, although I find contact with other people enjoyable and interesting.
 
I have been thinking about my own question since having posted it. I guess I really want to know what solo poly people fantasize about being the kinds of relationship situations/structures they want.

Basically, at this point in my life, as I head into being a divorced person on my own, I don't want to jump into another cohabitation setup again. I'm not saying I won't, ever, but I don't see it happening for a long while. My ideal situation would be to remain independent, living on my own, and to have two to four long-term boyfriends whom I see at varying frequency, depending on how involved/invested we are. Like maybe one of them would be someone I see very infrequently for romantic trips or something, and others would be more involved and familiar with my day-to-day life.

I know this may seem selfish, but I like the idea of one of them being totally mono with me. In my fantasy, I don't feel it necessary for all of them to meet and get along, but if they did, that would be nice. I would want to be up front and honest with all of them, so that we all know what's going on, and we all play safe.

A long time ago, in the early 1980s, when I moved into my first NYC apartment, a handyman working on my kitchen said to me, "Oh, a young girl like you's gotta get a few different boyfriends - one's a doctor, one's a dentist, one's a plumber, one's a carpenter, so you get everything done." It made me laugh back then, but if I think about the different sides of who I am, I would want a boyfriend that gets along with each, one intellectual, one creative, one down-to-earth, one geeky.

It's all just a fantasy, anyway. ;)
 
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Hi, NYCindie. I consider myself a solo poly person. If I had to define my current relationship type, it would be viewed as a vee with me and the wife of my partner being close to the very top of the legs. But I don't choose to label many things. I am in a relationship with a married man whose wife is fully aware. I, like you, am not interested in getting married, as it is defined in this society, because I feel it is unfair to your partners if you know you live a multi lifestyle, unless there comes a time where I can marry more than one person.

My kids are 17 and 11. The teenager lives with me. I am not interested in having any more kids. I, too, enjoy my own personal space. Though I would consider investing in a single place with my partners (whenever that becomes plural), I am also just as content living separately.

Currently, my ideal relationship would probably consist of four people. My two male partners and I would be primary in each other's lives. The men don't necessarily have to be primary to each other, but I would definitely condone it. I would have one female partner as a secondary.

I would have regular interactions with both my male partners, and probably weekly to biweekly interaction with my female partner, who may or may not be permanently attached outside of my other relationships, and may or may not regularly interact with one of my male primaries.

This committed poly "quad" would also have extended boundaries, where we'd be open to sexual interactions with others, but reserve our emotional attachments for each other.

Yeah... I know. It sounds like a fairytale. :D
 
Hmmmm, this is all very new to me. I am divorced and live mainly alone. I have two children, aged 18 and 16. I am independent, secure within myself, and happy to be single, i.e., I am not remarrying at any point.

I am seeing a man from abroad. He is separated, but it's complicated. His wife knows about me, and how he is/we are trying to be polyamorous. I am struggling because their relationship keeps changing. She is not into polyamory.

To be honest, I am not sure I am, either. Before I fell in love with this man, I thought I could be. I had many fantasies about it. It seemed ideal.

I am totally in love with him. I am afraid that if I sought to find someone else, it would somehow diminish my love for him. At the moment, I feel in limbo. Sometimes, due to language difficulties, we get confused.

Do I stick with this, but keep my own options open? Or do I jump ship and take care of myself?
 
naivecurious said:
This is all very new to me. I am divorced, independent, secure within myself and happy to be single. I am seeing a man. He is separated, his wife knows about me and him trying to be polyamorous. I am struggling because their relationship keeps changing, she is not into polyamory. I am not sure I am. Before I fell in love, I thought I could be. I had many fantasies about it. I am afraid if I sought to find someone else it would somehow diminish my love for him. I feel in limbo. We get confused. Do I stick with this, but keep my own options open, or jump ship and take care of myself?
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As I've heard a million times, and believe more than anything, "Love doesn't divide, it multiplies." I think you should stick with this guy and just keep your options open. It doesn't sound like you are having any major problems and you say you love him. I don't see anything there that should make you leave.
 
I'm currently in a relationship with a married couple. I started by dating him, and grew closer to her. Eventually, all three of us began dating. Full disclosure: we've only been dating about 3 months.

Interestingly, recently he admitted that they considered a quad the ideal relationship. After reading about all the couples looking for a unicorn, I was a bit surprised. They have been poly for almost two decades, so they've had triads, Vs, etc.

In time, after this relationship has developed a foundation, I can imagine adding another man... completing a quad. I've discovered that by being open to whatever comes-- well, amazing things happen.
 
I'm not solo. I'm in a serious relationship with one other person. I've been in a variety of poly relationships in various capacities in the past.

A tribe is an ideal for both me and my partner. We want friends and lovers around us, to and for support. I personally don't distinguish terribly much between friends and lovers. I'd like to have a big house with a lot of people in it to love.
 
The sex is awesome

Hi,

I just started a polyamorous relationship with a married couple. She really prefers sex with women, and so does he. The idea of a strong friendship, rather than just bed-hopping, really appealed to me.

I was pleasantly surprised at how great the sex is. But it's not everything. We are very well-rounded, fit and educated people with many interests, so there is always something to do and something to talk about.

So far, jealousy has not been a problem. They are very strongly committed and loving. I feel lucky to be part of this.
 
I consider myself a solo poly person. I also left a long-term marriage. I really feel like focusing the next few years on building my life and my interests. I don't want to cohabit with anyone. I really like and value my alone time and space.

I've got one child at home. Obviously, I want loads of my time and energy to be spent with him.

This does not mean I can't share, though.

I don't really have any fixed ideas about what potential relationships would look like, other than the usual-- honest, open, caring, respectful, fun, etc. My aim would be to build relationships on those foundations, rather than a picture of what they may look like. I like the idea of relationships being purely about the people involved, not a bigger picture or script.

The idea of marriage and settling down is not appealing to me. I find if someone tries to put me on that path, I feel instantly uncomfortable. It feels much more refreshing and real for me to have relationships about the here and now, and the bond or connection, rather than a predetermined path or script.

It's a little hard to describe. If it seems like someone is interested in me as a potential "long-term partner" or "wife," it starts to feel less about me, and more about the role I'm expected to play in someone else's life, or a script that was written long before I arrived. I'm not an actress. I don't want to play a role. I just want to be me. :)
 
bella123456 said:
If it seems like someone is interested in me as a potential "long-term partner" or "wife," it starts to feel less about me, and more about the role I'm expected to play in someone else's life, or a script that was written long before I arrived. I'm not an actress. I don't want to play a role. I just want to be me. :)
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Ahh, you said it beautifully!

This is why my husband left-- I didn't fit his picture of what a wife should be. He could not appreciate me for who I am. I don't want to be in that kind of situation ever again!
 
nycindie said:
Ahh, you said it beautifully! This is why my husband left-- I didn't fit his picture of what a wife should be. He could not appreciate me for who I am. I don't want to be in that kind of situation ever again!
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Yes, I understand. I don't want to be there either!

I guess that's why I try to avoid having too much of a script or expectation of what future relationships may look like. That may be a little too much pressure for future partners. I think it's good mental exercise to have your mind imagine various types of relationships, and combinations of relationships, but ultimately, they are completely dependent on the people we meet, and the ground we can negotiate at the time, the communication, etc. I don't want an expectation to be too solid in my head, as it's entirely possible that would potentially close off something great.

I also support the concept of serendipity-- the idea that you can find something wonderful whilst looking for something else. I don't want my expectations or desires to be too rigid or set, as that may risk serendipitous wonderfulness. :)
 
I am 55, queer, separated from and divorcing my husband. I've been in a relationship with a woman now, for almost two years, but we don't officially live together. We spend several days a week together, at her place or mine. Pixi and I are both polyamorous and pansexual. We live 20 miles apart.

My 19-year old son lives with me part time. My two daughters are grown and live independently.

I've had an idea I'd also like a local boyfriend who wants to be a real part of my life, do things together, travel, museums, eating out or cooking together, movies, have him get to know my kids and gf, etc. I haven't found him, after two long years! However, I have had some great experiences with men over those two years, as well as several (fairly minor) heartaches. But there's been nothing long-lasting, except for one faithful "boytoy," who is good for a fantastic booty call and some laughs every couple weeks.

I definitely don't want to live with a guy any time soon, and I don't want to ever get married again. I might move in with my gf Pixi some day, but that's up in the air. I love being with a woman. ❤️ She is such a better communicator than my ex-husband, or any other man I've dated the past two years, for that matter.

Before I met her, I thought I'd just be dating casually for a while. Funny how the universe brought her to me before I even knew I wanted her. Thanks, Venus!
 
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eklctc said:
Currently, my ideal relationship would probably consist of four people. Along with my two male partners, we would be primary in each other's lives. The men don't necessarily have to be primary to each other, but I would definitely condone it. My one female partner would be secondary. I would have regular interactions with both my male partners, and probably weekly to biweekly interaction with my female partner, who may or may not be permanently attached outside of our relationships, and may or may not regularly interact with one of my male primaries. This committed poly quad would be open to sexual interaction with others, but reserve our emotional attachments to each other. Yeah... I know. It sounds like a fairytale.
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Wow, you've got a dream, girlfriend!
 
And yet, like a greedy bitch, I want a guy just as nice as her, as well. :ROFLMAO:
 
bella123456 said:
I don't really have any fixed ideas about what potential relationships would look like...other than the usual, honest, open, caring, respectful, fun, etc. My aim would be to build relationships on those foundations, rather than a picture of what they may look like. I like the idea of relationships being purely about the people involved, not a bigger picture or script. The idea of marriage and settling down is not appealing to me. If someone tries to put me on that path, I feel instantly uncomfortable. It feels much more refreshing and real for me to have relationships about the here and now, and the bond or connection, rather than a predetermined path or script. I'm not an actress. I don't want to play a role. I just want to be me.
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I have no idea what it would be like to be in a marriage where there was a script for what I am supposed to be. I'm so sorry that you have been through that. I just want you to know that not all men subscribe to gender roles, or preconceptions of what it means to be a wife or husband. There is a large number of men out there who are willing, or even insisting that there not be roles as such, unless one falls into them naturally, and it is comfortable because it is who they are.

I married PolyNerdist 10 years ago this summer. He has always been of the opinion that I am to be who I am. He just wanted to share that with me, and I with him. I have never been the "traditional" wife, or him the "traditional" husband, much to the confusion, and sometimes annoyance, of some of our more conservative family members.

We're actually glad to have my male partner Mono in our lives, because sometimes PN and I are both the wives, and Mono the husband, in terms of gender roles. Mono fixes stuff and we just sit there and admire him for it. Mono doesn't organize family dinners and stuff. PN and I do. PN does the finances for him and me. Mono does his own. I do the shopping. PN does the cooking, more often than not. Mono cleans the dishes. We all do what we can because we like it that way, not because we believe we have to to fill a role.

I hope that for those who are single and poly, whatever they are aiming for in their lives happens for them in order to be happy. Please remember that marriage, any committed relationship, is made of whatever you bring to it and are willing to create.

There are expectations that are not obvious when we marry. There are always expectations. But the key to success in committed relationships, I think, is to find the assumptions and expectations, talk about them, and shift them to something workable for all concerned. Be flexible and open to change. If it's unworkable, then the relationship is done, and it's time to move on and find someone else.

That isn't the fault of marriage or our culture, that is just how it is, and sometimes who the person is. If it is the fault of our culture, then it's up to us to make the change, because "we" are the culture. I think that is happening slowly, with the existence of relationship dynamics such as polyamory, in terms of poly-fidelitous or open polyamorous family tribes.

I hope that made sense.
 
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