2021struggle
New member
I’m a pretty easygoing person who is very passionate about my career and spending time with friends and family when I’m not working. I enjoy being outdoors and definitely thrive in the summertime.
I was married for 23 years, we were together for 28 years total. We have 3 beautiful children together. I guess I would consider our relationship leaning more toward swingers.
On November 1, 2021 J caused his own death during a trip to visit his family on the East Coast just 2 days after his birthday. I was able to get police and paramedics involved quickly enough that they were able to restart his heart. Unfortunately, he had been too long without oxygen and he was not going to recover from his brain injury.
I had to make the most difficult decision of my entire life and discontinue ventilator support. On November 6, 2021 J’s heart stopped beating.
The past 3 months have been incredibly difficult as I struggle to navigate what life without him looks and feels like. We started dating when we were 15 - moved in together after I was emancipated at 17. I have never known life without him. Never been on my own. We got involved in the swinger lifestyle when we were in our mid twenties. And have made some really fantastic friends in the poly and swinger communities.
My world is divided at the moment and I am struggling to figure out where my place is. Part of my life and world - work, family, kids- believes J and I were simply a match made in heaven and were absolutely perfect for each other. Envious of how close we were, our relationship seemed to only get stronger as each year passed while other family and friends relationships were ending in divorce.
The other part of me - J and I shared many encounters over the years with single men and select couples. Never nurturing relationships with them : but definitely building and growing friendships with several especially in the past couple of years. After this recent tragedy they have shown up and been there for me more than my family.
In the quiet of the night: my mind whirling I question their intentions. Being physical with someone right now doesn’t feel wrong but it doesn’t seem right. Is a sexual encounter all they are seeking from me? I’m not looking for a relationship or any sort of commitment from anyone. In the months leading up to J taking the trip back East to visit family our relationship had begun to get rocky so his trip was twofold: visit family, show off his new car and brag about his newly reinstated driver’s license after 17 years of not having one it was a big deal for us—— it was also supposed to give us some time apart to heal and remember our why. I had told J I wanted to take a break from the swinger side of our relationship at the beginning of 2021. I was beginning to feel like a sex object and we were not reconnecting afterwards the way we had previously. We had many discussions about this topic throughout the year, I let him know he was welcome to continue meeting and playing with others: I needed /wanted a break. He never relented in his pursuit of continuing to make encounters about me: finding me partners (always male). I felt very disrespected by his decision, but it was the only thing that seemed to make him happy- so we continued through the summer. My mental health started declining as I had less and less body antomy that’s when I insisted J visit his family.
The passion was gone from our relationship - I no longer felt wanted by him or those he set me up with. I missed feeling wanted and desired. Flirting with someone we met and having that tension and fire build until we could no longer resist - and taking that level of energy back to our hotel room. We were skipping straight to meeting in hotel rooms where I felt very objectified. The fun was gone for me.
Several of those people J remained in contact with for one reason or another. A few of them I reached out to after J’s suicide - the ones that I felt we had common interests in with and that we could possibly be friends with.
I have made it known to them that I am figuring out what my life without J means and what my feelings are regarding the lifestyle we lived - that I was unhappy with the alternate lifestyle and felt sexually objectified and used by J for the past year and I am not ready to engage in that behavior at this time and am assured they only want to help, to be a shoulder to cry on and someone to lean on when things get difficult. Yet when we have spent time together I still feel objectified and that their intentions are purely sexual.
This has me feeling isolated, misunderstood and that my worth is only found between my legs. I have only one independent friend locally: and this friend doesn’t know about our lifestyle. The only people I feel I can be 100% open and honest with about J and some of the struggles he had, I had and we had : are these individuals. Now I question their intentions and the validity of the friendship we had forged previously.
Our mutual friends are the only people I have had contact with since his suicide: there is only one couple that have shown up when I needed them- I don’t question their truth at all. Everyone else’s response when I have reached out in need or when they offer to spend time with me::: it is ALWAYS you can come over to my place. No thanks. Yes on occasion I need to get away and see 4 fresh walls, but most of the time right now I want the comfort of my 4 walls. I did move out of the apartment J and I had been in : so it’s not like they should or would be feeling awkward about being at our apartment- and all of our encounters were in hotel rooms so there would be no association at the apartment- I would think. I spent the month of December remodeling the new place: putting in new floors, painting, fence repair, rehanging doors:: all the stuff lol. Everyone I have been in contact with also knows this.
I’m simply lost at the moment: I don’t know what grieving looks like, I don’t know what healing feels like, I don’t know what’s next: I do know I need people in my life that I can talk to and with- people I can be open and honest around and not feel judged by- people who knew both of us and can share stories about him—- these are the people I need.
When I’m around them I can’t help but sense / feel there is an ulterior motive behind it all.
I was married for 23 years, we were together for 28 years total. We have 3 beautiful children together. I guess I would consider our relationship leaning more toward swingers.
On November 1, 2021 J caused his own death during a trip to visit his family on the East Coast just 2 days after his birthday. I was able to get police and paramedics involved quickly enough that they were able to restart his heart. Unfortunately, he had been too long without oxygen and he was not going to recover from his brain injury.
I had to make the most difficult decision of my entire life and discontinue ventilator support. On November 6, 2021 J’s heart stopped beating.
The past 3 months have been incredibly difficult as I struggle to navigate what life without him looks and feels like. We started dating when we were 15 - moved in together after I was emancipated at 17. I have never known life without him. Never been on my own. We got involved in the swinger lifestyle when we were in our mid twenties. And have made some really fantastic friends in the poly and swinger communities.
My world is divided at the moment and I am struggling to figure out where my place is. Part of my life and world - work, family, kids- believes J and I were simply a match made in heaven and were absolutely perfect for each other. Envious of how close we were, our relationship seemed to only get stronger as each year passed while other family and friends relationships were ending in divorce.
The other part of me - J and I shared many encounters over the years with single men and select couples. Never nurturing relationships with them : but definitely building and growing friendships with several especially in the past couple of years. After this recent tragedy they have shown up and been there for me more than my family.
In the quiet of the night: my mind whirling I question their intentions. Being physical with someone right now doesn’t feel wrong but it doesn’t seem right. Is a sexual encounter all they are seeking from me? I’m not looking for a relationship or any sort of commitment from anyone. In the months leading up to J taking the trip back East to visit family our relationship had begun to get rocky so his trip was twofold: visit family, show off his new car and brag about his newly reinstated driver’s license after 17 years of not having one it was a big deal for us—— it was also supposed to give us some time apart to heal and remember our why. I had told J I wanted to take a break from the swinger side of our relationship at the beginning of 2021. I was beginning to feel like a sex object and we were not reconnecting afterwards the way we had previously. We had many discussions about this topic throughout the year, I let him know he was welcome to continue meeting and playing with others: I needed /wanted a break. He never relented in his pursuit of continuing to make encounters about me: finding me partners (always male). I felt very disrespected by his decision, but it was the only thing that seemed to make him happy- so we continued through the summer. My mental health started declining as I had less and less body antomy that’s when I insisted J visit his family.
The passion was gone from our relationship - I no longer felt wanted by him or those he set me up with. I missed feeling wanted and desired. Flirting with someone we met and having that tension and fire build until we could no longer resist - and taking that level of energy back to our hotel room. We were skipping straight to meeting in hotel rooms where I felt very objectified. The fun was gone for me.
Several of those people J remained in contact with for one reason or another. A few of them I reached out to after J’s suicide - the ones that I felt we had common interests in with and that we could possibly be friends with.
I have made it known to them that I am figuring out what my life without J means and what my feelings are regarding the lifestyle we lived - that I was unhappy with the alternate lifestyle and felt sexually objectified and used by J for the past year and I am not ready to engage in that behavior at this time and am assured they only want to help, to be a shoulder to cry on and someone to lean on when things get difficult. Yet when we have spent time together I still feel objectified and that their intentions are purely sexual.
This has me feeling isolated, misunderstood and that my worth is only found between my legs. I have only one independent friend locally: and this friend doesn’t know about our lifestyle. The only people I feel I can be 100% open and honest with about J and some of the struggles he had, I had and we had : are these individuals. Now I question their intentions and the validity of the friendship we had forged previously.
Our mutual friends are the only people I have had contact with since his suicide: there is only one couple that have shown up when I needed them- I don’t question their truth at all. Everyone else’s response when I have reached out in need or when they offer to spend time with me::: it is ALWAYS you can come over to my place. No thanks. Yes on occasion I need to get away and see 4 fresh walls, but most of the time right now I want the comfort of my 4 walls. I did move out of the apartment J and I had been in : so it’s not like they should or would be feeling awkward about being at our apartment- and all of our encounters were in hotel rooms so there would be no association at the apartment- I would think. I spent the month of December remodeling the new place: putting in new floors, painting, fence repair, rehanging doors:: all the stuff lol. Everyone I have been in contact with also knows this.
I’m simply lost at the moment: I don’t know what grieving looks like, I don’t know what healing feels like, I don’t know what’s next: I do know I need people in my life that I can talk to and with- people I can be open and honest around and not feel judged by- people who knew both of us and can share stories about him—- these are the people I need.
When I’m around them I can’t help but sense / feel there is an ulterior motive behind it all.
