The butterfly diaries

I had a lovely time at home with Adam, all the better because it was just us for Friday and Saturday since the flatmate was out of town.

On Thursday, we went for a drive and some shopping up in the nearest little city and I got a wonderful winter coat for only $122 after sales and a discount for joining the mailing list. It's a puffer coat, knee length, and it will be absolutely perfect for the winter here. Although I have the car back I intend on continuing to catch the bus to and from work most of the time; I like the walk. I want to get back into my favourite clothes one size smaller so as of tomorrow, I'm on rations lol.

Other than that, Adam and I mostly just did domestic things like baking, and watching a movie (Roadhouse remake on Amazon isn't terrible, would recommend), and talking and having home cooked dinners together.

I was supposed to have a longer call with Puck this morning, being Sunday and our alleged date day, but unsurprisingly yet another thing went wrong in his life and he wasn't available. This time, car trouble and he got stuck out at the campground. I mean, there's no way I can actually fault him for that, except for having a car that's been on its last legs for a long time, but when you can't afford a replacement, what do you do? Shit happens. But I'm barely even disappointed this week, except for the fact that I triple checked with him yesterday that he didn't want to cancel in anticipation of something, anything, going wrong at the campground, but he was adamant it would be fine. Sigh.

What this does leave me in a quandary about is next Sunday. I'm likely to say it's just a no on making a plan to talk because I it would be extremely hard on me if he had to stand me up. It's my birthday next Sunday and it would be nice to go visit my birth mother for Saturday night and probably Sunday brunch. It's become a wee tradition for me to wake up there on my birthday, when we can, work allowing. And sure, I could have a call with Puck while I'm there, but if he got waylaid, it would spoil my morning and I don't want that on my birthday. This way at least I get to pick my hard.

I've already done a lot of grieving for the lack of time we get together. He convinced me that he would actually come to NZ, and we talked about timelines. But life constantly gets in the way. Now it's a broken car and likely thousands needed to repair or replace it. Bye bye another year. I've done my utmost to detach from the disappointment, but it still gets me sometimes. I just keep telling myself he's actually just like Trask and Lance, that NZ is just too far away. He still says he'll come here, but I have to tell myself they are dreams of the future, 5 year plans at the earliest...too late. It's been too late since the pandemic. And even when I was there, there were...challenges. I still want more time with him, more than anything do I want more time with him, but I don't trust it will happen. And that breaks my heart regularly.
 
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And just like that, in 3 hours or so of text conversation rather than video, we have a plan. It's a pretty good plan. It came from musings, which the best plans do. I was talking about a side hustle I could do if I end up teaching in the US. Although, I suspect I wouldn't be allowed a side hustle on my teaching visa, but that's okay, we still have a possible plan either way. We'd officially hire Adam, not me!
 
It's nice to be optimistic once in a while, as per my last post, but now I'm simply back to work and trying not to spend too much money (and failing) on life in general. I'm recovering pretty well from Covid and can do two flights of stairs at a time again. I want to get back walking/bussing to work more soon - well, I say soon but there are only three days left of this Term (we have 4 x 10 week terms approx.) and then two weeks break.

I MUST get the whole qualification transfer thingy sorted this holiday so I can set myself up to truly have options next year.

The Nomad and I have made a plan to see each other next week, third time lucky?

Mike's texting me really frequently these days and I'm enjoying the extra communication, but I'm a little worried about him, something's clearly changed in his life and although I can make an educated guess about the basics, I don't want to pry about the details. So I'll be the conversation on the other end of the text messages, sometimes voice messages, and perhaps this year we'll finally get around to something resembling some in-person time.
 
This morning, after running very late for our supposed regular Sunday (my time) date call and having to have a fairly short conversation because he's off to Selene's tonight, Puck's suggested some dates that he might be able to visit this year. I'm torn between having hope and just thinking it's simply not going to happen because of all the obligations he has to the campground and the people around him who will potentially cause problems when he suggests it. And we can't even talk more tomorrow because he has an AGM for said campground and I'm off for an overnight date with The Nomad. Long distance is hard. We also really need to talk about what next year could look like. At least if he visits this year that makes next year less complicated. I want to get my qualifications transferred this holidays, so I could become eligible to work in the States.

I've been excited to see The Nomad again, it's been 6 months or so, and yet the memories of the first time are so vivid it feels like it was just last week. It will be interesting to see if we have the same chemistry again.

I think I should get a smart watch, for my heart. I'm getting more and more Afib and this would provide evidence for my doc to prescribe stuff.
 
I spent last night with The Nomad and today I have so much muscle pain. So. Much. Pain. Neck, shoulders, back, abs, inner thighs, it all hurts where I've found long neglected muscles. I'm beginning to remember why I actually used to go to the gym.

I have a long call with Puck tomorrow morning. I need to talk with him about things like getting my qualifications recognised in the US. It's obviously a big investment and I'm not feeling very brave right now. What Ifs abound. But then, what if I don't ever go do something this scary (move to another country for a little while). And why is it so damn scary? People do it all the time. But it's the USA, and guys...you're terrifying to the rest of us. And I guess my biggest worry is finances. I need to be able to still contribute my half to my and Adam's house since he won't be coming with me the first year/if I only do one year. I'm trying to save this year but I'm not doing great at it, yet. But the credit cards are paid off, they just need to stay that way. I've just had a wee pay rise. I am due another in July all going well, and another in December, although I only have a handful of fortnightly pays after that. I could probably stay at my job here another year, the contract is bound to get renewed. I enjoy this working environment more than anything I've had since I started teaching, I'd be silly to give it up. Perhaps I should just spend Januarys in the US, on holiday. Would that be enough? I don't know. I'll talk with Puck tomorrow.
 
After talking with Puck and Adam, I'm going to be seeking out another year's contract here. I'm really sad about it, tbh, but it will put me in a stronger position going forward. More experience, more savings, and more time with my parents as well. I'm happy enough in this little city for one more year I suppose, and I should make enough this year that I get another chance to travel for a holiday before making any kind of giant leap. Goddamn money. I'm half tempted to try and get work in Dubai for a couple of years and make enough to pay off the mortgage and then have much more freedom.
 
Today has used up all of my spoons and then some. It wasn't an easy start, motivation wise (holiday blues) and Puck helped out with arranging a second call after two hours so I could tell him a bunch of stuff I did in between times. I was going to talk to him a third time but it didn't pan out as I got distracted by food and one of the more fun parts of work, and another conversation.

That other conversation brought up a lot of emotion for me from the past, things I thought I'd processed, but when I felt the need to put voice to them it was quite apparent to me that I don't feel I'd be able to hold my boundaries well (unless I simply have a blanket boundary that looks very much like an -ism). The repeated conditioning from people who ended up causing more harm than good has left an indelible mark on my psyche. I have been 'too kind' to people who I should not have been, a result of both my traditional upbringing and of the actions of those who - perhaps inadvertently - took advantage of that. The choices I made, or that were made for me, along the way to adulthood exacerbated the situation and it left me so uncomfortable saying "no" to relationships (in the broadest sense of the term) that should definitely not have been relationships, and yet I said yes despite knowing I should not have nor really wanting to. And by the time I had extracted myself from those (consecutive) relationships, even more harm was done.

So, I'm out of spoons now, although writing this out has helped a little. I know it's vague, but I've been reminded lately that I have put all this out into the world; the last 8 years or so is largely in black and white here, and I am now considering if I perhaps I need to start rethinking that. But today, even this vague little post is a small sliver of catharsis which I so very much needed.
 
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It took a while but I have mostly let the anger go from that conversation that attempted to manipulate me into not adhering to my own boundaries. It strengthens my resolve, though. I am absolutely fine with having blanket boundaries when it comes to sharing any part of myself, including my leisure time. It's not ageist, sexist or racist; I am not oppressing anyone when I say "no" to sharing myself with that person because of any reason, I am only affronting their sense of entitlement. And I'm fine with that.

I visited Adam earlier in the week and we went on long drive on Wednesday. We used to road trip a lot but it had become prohibitively expensive for a while there. It's still bad, but there was a little spare money available - probably the last time for a while - so we spent it and our time doing something we used to very much enjoy, and did this week, too.

I'm looking forward to getting back to work next week. I really like this place and although there will always be some challenges, I feel incredibly supported here. I have to do some more marking (grading) today but it shouldn't be quite the same mammoth effort as yesterday. Then I can move on to marking another year group. I want to free up tomorrow morning at least to be able to go to a personal study group I've just begun. I went for the first time last week and I felt so much better afterwards. I also went to a poly meetup that afternoon and have a date next week as a result.

Puck is overworking himself at the moment, but he recognises it and is starting to take steps to mitigate it, encouraged by those closest to him.

I've been chatting with Ayin in bursts, too, and he's moving in to the next phase of his cancer treatment. He had stem cells harvested a while ago and it's time to put them back. He hasn't said what type of stem cell treatment it is but considering how bad his cancer is, I'm sure his oncology team are doing very clever things to give him the best possible chance of remission.

I have brain fog today, it's the first time in ages so as much as I just want to stay in bed dozing, I need to get up and battle through it. A hot shower sounds fantastic about now.
 
Well, it's been a day.

The highlight was walking into a room I've never been in before and there was a poster on the wall, framed, and I immediately recognised it. I'd forgotten, but I'd grown up with exactly the same poster (probably a slightly smaller print) in my childhood home. I don't remember how old I was when it was finally taken down, but I do remember reading it frequently since it was on the toilet wall lol. It's the reason I knew what a semi-colon was before it was ever introduced in school. Now, courtesy of the internet I have learned about the author of the quote, and I have it back, something I didn't know I'd lost, but I'm absolutely delighted to see it again.

Happiness is the greatest
paradox in Nature.
It can grow in any soil,
live under any conditions.
It defies environment.
It comes from within; it is
the revelation of the
depths of the inner life as
light and heat proclaim
the sun from which they
radiate. Happiness
consists not of having,
but of being; not of
possessing, but of
enjoying. A martyr at the
stake may have happiness
that a king on his throne
might envy. Man is the
creator of his own
happiness; it is the aroma
of a life lived in harmony
with high ideals.
For what a man has, he
may be dependent on
others; what he is, rests
with him alone.
Happiness is the soul's
joy in the possession of
the intangible.
It is the warm glow of
a heart at peace with
itself.

William George Jordan
Click to expand...

So the printer took liberties with editing it into what I have reproduced here--which is a little ironic given what I now know about W.G. Jordan and his rather illustrious editing career, as well as being an essayist. And the icon in my profile picture is from the poster. I believe it might be Masonic with that particular rock hammer, and the set square.

And then I spent a large part of the rest of the afternoon in A&E with chest pain - which the doc concluded was not sinister and sent me home to rest after some blood tests. I missed the call to tell me the results and although I called back and followed instructions leaving a message, no one has tried again, so I guess I'm not at risk at all. But consequently, I didn't get around to the marking I was going to do earlier and, much to my chagrin, when I finally opened my work bag the laptop was there but the charger was not. I will simply have to rest easy tonight with the knowledge that it is now 100% tomorrow's problem. I don't have those classes until Wednesday anyway.

I'm so ready for the routine of term time again. Sure, public schools and their curriculum are generally wretched excuses for meaningful learning, but this is still the best one I've worked at and I'm so happy here compared to my last two jobs. Well, that's not difficult really, but I'd be happy here even if I didn't have the comparisons.
 
Evie said:
Today has used up all of my spoons and then some. It wasn't an easy start, motivation wise (holiday blues) and Puck helped out with arranging a second call after two hours so I could tell him a bunch of stuff I did in between times. I was going to talk to him a third time but it didn't pan out as I got distracted by food and one of the more fun parts of work, and another conversation.

That other conversation brought up a lot of emotion for me from the past, things I thought I'd processed, but when I felt the need to put voice to them it was quite apparent to me that I don't feel I'd be able to hold my boundaries well (unless I simply have a blanket boundary that looks very much like an -ism). The repeated conditioning from people who ended up causing more harm than good has left an indelible mark on my psyche. I have been 'too kind' to people who I should not have been, a result of both my traditional upbringing and of the actions of those who - perhaps inadvertently - took advantage of that. The choices I made, or that were made for me, along the way to adulthood exacerbated the situation and it left me so uncomfortable saying "no" to relationships (in the broadest sense of the term) that should definitely not have been relationships, and yet I said yes despite knowing I should not have nor really wanting to. And by the time I had extracted myself from those (consecutive) relationships, even more harm was done.

So, I'm out of spoons now, although writing this out has helped a little. I know it's vague, but I've been reminded lately that I have put all this out into the world; the last 8 years or so is largely in black and white here, and I am now considering if I perhaps I need to start rethinking that. But today, even this vague little post is a small sliver of catharsis which I so very much needed.
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I'm sorry this happened to you and that you're still being affected by it. I'm glad you were able to find the silver lining.

Your time, life and energy are never owed to anyone.
 
It's always a risk letting anyone in, even for a short while.

One guy wasn't as ready for ENM as he originally claimed to be...he couldn't find 2 mins (in a very generous window of time) to leave me a voicemail because of his concern about his wife overhearing. Nope, I'm not going to give you that much of myself for you to not be able to step into another room and wish me a good day. She was obviously not on board which means I'm not for him.

Another guy shared a whole lot of his daily life with me, and I him, and I thought we were truly hitting it off as friends as well as some sexy times, but then he got really mad at me one day when I asked him not to refer to me as "perfect" -which he dropped into conversation out of the blue - because "we're only living a fantasy". This was after introducing me to one of his kids! I'm definitely not for him.

And lastly, after years of dating boomers and always coming out worse than I went in, I now don't entertain the possibility of dating (or any kind of fling) boomers at all. I caught myself JADE-ing my personal boundary like I was in a cross examination...no wonder I was out of spoons! I'm not for him, either.

And god help me I have a date this week. Oh shit, I've just realised I have to work late that day, oops, better reschedule!
 
Turns out my date was before my working late day...the former yesterday, the latter today.

It was a good date. We talked for around two and a half hours over dinner and a bottle of wine, then texted for another half hour on our respective bus rides home.

I haven't slept well the past two nights and I had a late night at work with meetings tonight. I fucked up really badly and I'm desperately hoping that I'm not going to be tattled on. If the complaint is made, I'll just have to own it. Sigh.

But I'm home, I've just made and eaten dinner, and I'm desperate for an early night and full night's sleep. I'm super proud of myself for not finishing my dinner - iykyk.

I have another big day tomorrow at work but at least it's an early finish (3:30) and I will aim to be leaving on the dot this week.

God do I need a weekend.
 
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Well, I worked just a smidge later than 3:30 on Friday then had a short video call with Puck before heading down into town to have a spontaneous second date with the guy from Wednesday. I was super tired and pinching pennies a bit so I'd just said one beer. He offered to add a bottle of wine to that (his treat), which we then followed with a couple of cocktails (also his treat), and we talked the night away. Usually, I strongly prefer to split the bill when going out, but since I had a big medical bill from urgent care last weekend, which I told him about, and he offered, and it wasn't out first date, I said okay, and it wasn't awkward for me at all which is huge for me. I finally got home around 2. I'm going to have to think of a nickname as I strongly suspect this one will be a keeper.

I visited my parents on Saturday later afternoon/evening, and spoke with Puck for a decent length of time this morning before going to "not-church" (acronym BOTA from now on). It was my third time and I'm really enjoying it. I did a little clothes shopping before I came home (nothing like that to ruin a good mood) and now I'm just relaxing and telling myself it's okay that I didn't do any work today, nothing is so urgent that I needed to.
 
I don't know what to call him yet, but my new interest and I can't make calendars line up until much later this month.

I'm working long hours and already feeling the winter blues even though it's only autumn. Nova is in town this Thursday so we're doing dinner about 7 and I strongly suspect I'll be working until then.

Saturday night, I'm going to see an old friend (I don't think I've named him here, I can't remember) for dinner and board games at his place. Honestly, it sounds horrible because I'll have to make small talk with his family/whoever else is there, but I feel like I really need to do something social with him rather than just text.

Adam is really sick with a sore throat and sinus thing and I'm honestly grateful I'm not there to catch it, it sounds fucking terrible.

Puck is so busy I'm lucky to see him a few times a week for 5 mins at a time (other than our date call). He thinks June will ease up. I think he's delusional. The campground will get its pound of flesh this summer. I miss him terribly.

Ayin hasn't responded to my last message so his treatment must be pretty rough at the moment.

Mike was super chatty during my last holidays but I've been so horrendously busy since work started up again that we've barely messaged. I reached out today and got some comment on the weather.

I wish I could do my job in less than 10 hours days plus travel, but apparently not. Sigh.
 
I saw the new guy spontaneously again last night! Four hours at his place (his wife headed over to her new interest's place) for a little wine, a little conversation, and more than a little making out on the couch. If it wasn't a school night, I would have stayed, but I have two huge days left to function through. It was a truly wonderful night though and I'm very much looking forward to next time. I need to find a nickname for him but I'm still getting to know him. I really like this one, I haven't felt this way in years.
 
I'm in a bad mood with today. I've said yes to a dinner at Hermit's house but that means small talk and board games with his family and I just know it's going to use every last spoon I've got. But he's super excited to be hosting me (and whomever else is going) so I don't want to let him down.

I'm missing Puck so very much (like, this is the absolute number one cause of my sadness), but I also love it that he's taking a weekend with Selene rather than working at the campground. Still, I find myself grieving us again, the time that we aren't getting and I'm still pessimistic about ever getting. It's like the universe gave me this incredible person to know and share my life with, but there just isn't enough time for it to happen.

And just to add salt in the wound, new guy (I am really struggling to think of a name, so I'll go with Nevyn for now) is now on an overseas holiday for 9 days. He gets back on a Sunday week and of course I don't get to do anything except work on Monday and Tuesday. Maybe I'll be able to see him on the Wednesday, but it's all just a little far away to make plans right now since work could totally fuck me over on any day. He also told me he's in the early stages with someone else, too, so I'm now wobbly about whether or not he's truly into me or it's just spill over from how he's feeling when he's with her (they're...just a little further ahead in the getting-to-know-you stakes than we are), or just kid in a candy store syndrome (he and his wife have just opened up this year), or is this second guessing just my RSD brain playing tricks on me?

Nothing feels very good right now, which sucks. Top that off with a performance review at work, not because I'm doing anything wrong, just because I'm due a pay rise as per the collective contract but this school is more rigorous than my last two in ensuring I'm actually good at my job, and until I get the sign off, I'm stressed af. I met up with Nova the other night and she assured me that they couldn't *not* sign it off and the worst they could do is send me on a tailored professional development course. But even that's sending my brain into choruses of, "you're not good enough" - which until now I haven't been overwhelmed with at this school because it's just an amazing place to be and I feel competent for the first time in years. I know there's always soooo much more I could be doing, I just don't need someone else telling me that right now, especially not when I'm working 12 hour days already.

I need to get ready to go spend a few hours with my parents now. It's mothers day tomorrow, so I'll pop in with flowers to surprise her after BOTA, too. Really, I just need another day in between Saturday and Sunday.
 
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Yesterday, Ayin finally succumbed to cancer.

I found out this morning, and I'm heading up to the memorial service tomorrow.
 
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I made it up to his town this afternoon, to his house for the open casket and spent some time with him. I saw one of his friends that I knew, and met his parents, who knew who I was and said they'd tried to contact me privately but didn't have quite enough info.

They've invited me to go back tomorrow before the casket is closed.
 
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