The butterfly diaries

I had a lovely time at home with Adam, all the better because it was just us for Friday and Saturday since the flatmate was out of town.

On Thursday, we went for a drive and some shopping up in the nearest little city and I got a wonderful winter coat for only $122 after sales and a discount for joining the mailing list. It's a puffer coat, knee length, and it will be absolutely perfect for the winter here. Although I have the car back I intend on continuing to catch the bus to and from work most of the time; I like the walk. I want to get back into my favourite clothes one size smaller so as of tomorrow, I'm on rations lol.

Other than that, Adam and I mostly just did domestic things like baking, and watching a movie (Roadhouse remake on Amazon isn't terrible, would recommend), and talking and having home cooked dinners together.

I was supposed to have a longer call with Puck this morning, being Sunday and our alleged date day, but unsurprisingly yet another thing went wrong in his life and he wasn't available. This time, car trouble and he got stuck out at the campground. I mean, there's no way I can actually fault him for that, except for having a car that's been on its last legs for a long time, but when you can't afford a replacement, what do you do? Shit happens. But I'm barely even disappointed this week, except for the fact that I triple checked with him yesterday that he didn't want to cancel in anticipation of something, anything, going wrong at the campground, but he was adamant it would be fine. Sigh.

What this does leave me in a quandary about is next Sunday. I'm likely to say it's just a no on making a plan to talk because I it would be extremely hard on me if he had to stand me up. It's my birthday next Sunday and it would be nice to go visit my birth mother for Saturday night and probably Sunday brunch. It's become a wee tradition for me to wake up there on my birthday, when we can, work allowing. And sure, I could have a call with Puck while I'm there, but if he got waylaid, it would spoil my morning and I don't want that on my birthday. This way at least I get to pick my hard.

I've already done a lot of grieving for the lack of time we get together. He convinced me that he would actually come to NZ, and we talked about timelines. But life constantly gets in the way. Now it's a broken car and likely thousands needed to repair or replace it. Bye bye another year. I've done my utmost to detach from the disappointment, but it still gets me sometimes. I just keep telling myself he's actually just like Trask and Lance, that NZ is just too far away. He still says he'll come here, but I have to tell myself they are dreams of the future, 5 year plans at the earliest...too late. It's been too late since the pandemic. And even when I was there, there were...challenges. I still want more time with him, more than anything do I want more time with him, but I don't trust it will happen. And that breaks my heart regularly.
 
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And just like that, in 3 hours or so of text conversation rather than video, we have a plan. It's a pretty good plan. It came from musings, which the best plans do. I was talking about a side hustle I could do if I end up teaching in the US. Although, I suspect I wouldn't be allowed a side hustle on my teaching visa, but that's okay, we still have a possible plan either way. We'd officially hire Adam, not me!
 
It's nice to be optimistic once in a while, as per my last post, but now I'm simply back to work and trying not to spend too much money (and failing) on life in general. I'm recovering pretty well from Covid and can do two flights of stairs at a time again. I want to get back walking/bussing to work more soon - well, I say soon but there are only three days left of this Term (we have 4 x 10 week terms approx.) and then two weeks break.

I MUST get the whole qualification transfer thingy sorted this holiday so I can set myself up to truly have options next year.

The Nomad and I have made a plan to see each other next week, third time lucky?

Mike's texting me really frequently these days and I'm enjoying the extra communication, but I'm a little worried about him, something's clearly changed in his life and although I can make an educated guess about the basics, I don't want to pry about the details. So I'll be the conversation on the other end of the text messages, sometimes voice messages, and perhaps this year we'll finally get around to something resembling some in-person time.
 
This morning, after running very late for our supposed regular Sunday (my time) date call and having to have a fairly short conversation because he's off to Selene's tonight, Puck's suggested some dates that he might be able to visit this year. I'm torn between having hope and just thinking it's simply not going to happen because of all the obligations he has to the campground and the people around him who will potentially cause problems when he suggests it. And we can't even talk more tomorrow because he has an AGM for said campground and I'm off for an overnight date with The Nomad. Long distance is hard. We also really need to talk about what next year could look like. At least if he visits this year that makes next year less complicated. I want to get my qualifications transferred this holidays, so I could become eligible to work in the States.

I've been excited to see The Nomad again, it's been 6 months or so, and yet the memories of the first time are so vivid it feels like it was just last week. It will be interesting to see if we have the same chemistry again.

I think I should get a smart watch, for my heart. I'm getting more and more Afib and this would provide evidence for my doc to prescribe stuff.
 
I spent last night with The Nomad and today I have so much muscle pain. So. Much. Pain. Neck, shoulders, back, abs, inner thighs, it all hurts where I've found ling neglected muscles. I'm beginning to remember why I actually used to go to the gym.

I have a long call with Puck tomorrow morning. I need to talk with him about things like getting my qualifications recognised in the US. It's obviously a big investment and I'm not feeling very brave right now. What Ifs abound. But then, what if I don't ever go do something this scary (move to another country for a little while). And why is it so damn scary? People do it all the time. But it's the USA, and guys...you're terrifying to the rest of us. And I guess my biggest worry is finances. I need to be able to still contribute my half to my and Adam's house since he won't be coming with me the first year/if I only do one year. I'm trying to save this year but I'm not doing great at it, yet. But the credit cards are paid off, they just need to stay that way. I've just had a wee pay rise. I am due another in July all going well, and another in December, although I only have a handful of fortnightly pays after that. I could probably stay at my job here another year, the contract is bound to get renewed. I enjoy this working environment more than anything I've had since I started teaching, I'd be silly to give it up. Perhaps I should just spend Januarys in the US, on holiday. Would that be enough? I don't know. I'll talk with Puck tomorrow.
 
After talking with Puck and Adam, I'm going to be seeking out another year's contract here. I'm really sad about it, tbh, but it will put me in a stronger position going forward. More experience, more savings, and more time with my parents as well. I'm happy enough in this little city for one more year I suppose, and I should make enough this year that I get another chance to travel for a holiday before making any kind of giant leap. Goddamn money. I'm half tempted to try and get work in Dubai for a couple of years and make enough to pay off the mortgage and then have much more freedom.
 
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