The butterfly diaries

I'm home again, and I'm in such a strange mental state right now. I was calm driving home and felt like the first stage of grieving was done, but just as I pulled up everything suddenly felt really surreal, like this last, what, 36 hours was just a horrible dream and now I am back to the waking world. Except of course that's not true. And not all of it was horrible because I was welcomed in a way I didn't, couldn't, possibly imagine. And I swear I can feel his presence with me now, so I'm going to go feel that for a while, and hopefully fall asleep with him tonight.
 
I tried to go to work today. One person said one nice thing to me and I burst into tears. I got sent home after that, so I have two more days to process what I need to. I'm going to write, largely to his parents and brothers. They have welcomed me so much, referred to me as family. I really want to see them again soon.
 
I'm going back to work today. My immediate boss texted me last night offering me the rest of the week off, but I said I wanted some routine back. I might have believed myself in that moment.

I don't.

I don't want to go back to "normal" without the ability to have conversations and make plans with him. That's not normal. It's wrong, it's all just so wrong.
 
It's Friday night, less than a week since he died and I hate how normal I feel. Two days at work and the demands on me, although sometimes difficult to fulfil, have made me revert to functioning again. The pain, so noticeable in my chest yesterday, is gone by this evening, and I miss it. Surely I'm not forgetting how loving him feels, so soon? What is happening?

When Trask died, I didn't grieve. Had I already forgotten? When Tech died, it felt like a part of me died. And now Ayin, and I feel like a part of me was ripped out. But with holes, come patches, but I resent that I'm going to feel okay again. I don't want to move past the grief so soon, it feels ... wrong, like perhaps I faked the grief all along. But I know that's a lie. I want to stay in that place of pure emotion, but already life won't let me. Fuck. FUCK.

Grief comes in waves, it sneaks up and crashes over me and I find myself crying again. And I cherish those tears because it reminds me that it was real. We were real. He really existed in my world and now my world is deeply bereft without him. I need the grief so I don't begin to think I dreamed it all.

Is this what dementia is? Thinking that you're waking from a dream that has been your life? That nothing at all is entirely real? That you cannot trust the difference between dreams and reality because the observer self perceives them identically? Is the memory of a dream so much different from the memory of a lived experience? Some dreams are so vivid that surely they get filed the same as lived memories.

If it hurts in my body and the tears fall from my eyes like waterfalls, then he was really real, right?





(No comments please, I'm just writing for catharsis)
 
I did it, this morning I contacted a psychiatrist to self-refer for an ADHD assessment.
 
Nevyn and I had our first overnight date last night. It went pretty much how one would expect, in the very best possible way.
 
I'm so sorry for your loss and your tides of grief. Everyone grieves differently
 
Nevyn held me as I cried last night and I felt safe with him.
 
Today is just a four day teaching week. Tomorrow I'm at a conference. I really need today to go fast because my mood isn't really conducive to dealing with people.
 
My life is back into routine and I'm coming to terms with Ayin's death. I'm still sad and angry, but it's not overwhelming. I'm grateful for the long weekend last weekend as it has helped top up my energy levels for work. Ayin's dad has messaged me a couple of times just to chat for a few moments. He's warned me that Ayin's mum isn't really able to accept my role in Ayin's life yet, perhaps she never will. We'll see what happens. I'd be delighted to stay in touch with them, but once the dust settles, if we go our own ways, well, that's the privilege of the living.

I met Nevyn's wife yesterday. She was ready, even though for me it wasn't necessarily the best timing, but I agreed since I'd much rather have that first meeting done so she can start to become comfortable with me and we can get on with those figurative garden parties. Hometown (where I live now and they've lived a very long time) is a village and I have worked for her long ago ex partner. I have also worked with and slept with one of Nevyn's former work colleagues, again from years and years ago, which is also someone she knew. Village.

I've touched base with The Nomad, too, since being with him is pure escapism and I wouldn't mind a smidge of that sometime in the next month or two.

Puck had tried to tell me that June was going to ease up and we'd be able to have our normal weekend calls. I was skeptical and I was right. I've told him that, with love, I'll see him in August. Anything at all longer than a 5 minute touch base will be a bonus, rather than a disappointment if a date gets cancelled, since it inevitably will. We've already 'agreed' he'll come here in January, not September, so, as always, "waiting is". I still hold out hope he'll visit in January, silly as it might be. He still says he will, but the logistics...well, they need working out, and I strongly suspect they will just never work out. His life there is too demanding.

Nevyn has asked me what happens next year if I don't get my contract renewed. I have no idea. He's also asked me what if I get a permanent position here. Again, I still have no idea. I like my cheap little room, except I won't be able to host when my landlord gets back from Europe. My roommate is sweet with me having different people over, but I just can't see the upstairs landlord accepting it. I can't afford a "nice" apartment and anyway, I really like living in this area and don't want to move right now, but houses here are $1 Million for a starter home.

Ha, Enigma is messaging me for the first time in aaaages. He accidentally dialed me a few hours ago so I sent a message back and now we've just shared a little news. Looks like I have the better job.

In between these musings (aka paragraphs) I've been doing other bits and pieces. Today is still productive, I'm liking it. I'm liking that I have this job under control right now, and I have a bit more leisure time. I need to go get moving again to keep the productivity flowing.

Lastly, I had an interesting conversation lately that dug up a few memories, and made me contemplate the possibility of new memories.
 
I'm not okay. I really needed to take today off work but I have a parent meeting in about 5 minutes that I just couldn't postpone again. I've contacted a therapist yesterday so hopefully she will get back to me during business hours.
 
I have talked to my boss, I'm taking two days off, Wednesday and Thursday, and I have managed to get a booking for Thursday. Wednesday, I can do some admin to free up all of Thursday for self care.
 
I'm assuming you're seeking care for the ADHD? And maybe other issues, as well. You can do this. It's great to get some help! Hugs
 
No, that's in August. I'm seeking help with grief and emptiness.
 
Hi Evie,

I’ve just caught up - apologies, I got too entangled with my own stuff and didn’t twig you had a new blog. I am so sorry for your loss. I do hope you are in a better place in the grief cycle.

And I just wanted to say I really “get” it re Puck and unrealistic expectations re time. You seem to be taking it so much better than me wrt Heath 🫣 … at least in writing!

Hope the weather is not too rubbish back home - somehow if the sun is out, it’s easier to see a way forward with everything imho, esp when the days are so short. Look after yourself!
 
My first therapy appointment helped me return to a place where I could release the existential exhaustion and angst I was feeling. I have another one booked for next week.

Things have been escalating with Nevyn, and his own philosophy has meant that he's said a couple of things that have helped me regain some perspective on my current life. We've been having one overnight date a week and generally an often spontaneous catch up some other time in the week, as well as texting daily.

I also have Winter Break next week so we'll see how I cope without the structure of work. There are some things I want to do, now. And Adam is coming to visit from the 12-16th. The anniversary of our first date is the 15th, so we can celebrate that together. He's been struggling with bursitis lately and the cortisone shot has only partially worked so far.

Puck has been out of State for work so I've had limited time talking with him. He's very determined to buy tickets to visit me in January and wants to sort that out as soon as the next festival is over. I will be beyond ready to see him again. I haven't been great at saving money this year, but January gives me enough time to stash quite a lot for accommodation. We'll be travelling around quite a bit because let's face it, Aotearoa NZ is stunning.

The Nomad was in town last week and we caught up. I got us a hotel room and it was really nice being somewhere neutral. I needed that as much as anything else. He's got some struggles at the moment so I listened to him whinge (his word) quite a lot. Oh well.

My landlord has been away and I took the opportunity to hire someone to do a little bit of lawn care (well, edges). I can now use my little battery powered weed eater to maintain it. I can't believe my landlord doesn't look after his asset very well, but a little weeding here and there makes me feel satisfied.

Nevyn and his wife are looking at adding buildings to their property so they have the ability to host partners at the same time rather than taking turns in the house while the other goes away. I'm learning what it's like to date someone with S.M.A.R.T personal goals. It's refreshing. He also has a "the universe will provide" mentality so I'm hoping that's going to rub off on me a bit, too. I'm really hoping his wife can push through her resistance to sharing space with me though. After I left last weekend, they had a working bee in the garden with her OSO but I wasn't welcome to stay and help, which bugged me. All in good time I guess.

Back to work for me now. A day and a half to go. Whew.
 
SMART is a handy framework. I use it when mentoring people, and or giving guidance to myself. Especially if I am trying to team build.

Its interest... I dont relate SMART to universal giving. SMART are actionable and measurable goals to progress. No universal intervention at all. Fascinating conflation. I would be curious about the logic.
 
I don't know if he'd call them SMART goals, that was my choice to use that acronym because additional buildings on the property, with the builder already making plans, rather fits that criteria in my mind. As for the universe providing, he perceives his career trajectory as a bit of a fluke - he's quite bemused by it all - and is forging ahead with these building plans even in the face of a restructure because of a level of confidence that there will be a good fit role at the end of it, there or even somewhere else. I saw a touch of trepidation at the early stages of the process, but overall, I get the sense that he's confident without false bravado. More a deep sense of surety that there is definitely going to be something next.

Meanwhile, I'm really hoping that I will get to at least renew my fixed term contract next year. I would be very likely able to find a job somewhere else around here if it isn't renewed, but I really LIKE where I'm working right now. I've had a lot of experience of the universe providing, especially over these past half dozen years or so, but I still have trust issues lol. Like the rug is going to be pulled out from under me at any moment. I don't know why when my experience is generally very positive. I'm not a surly pessimist, but I do tend to find myself either anxious or despondent about some aspects of the future. I've lived with uncertainty a lot since I'm not good at holding down jobs or careers, so I guess that's the main reason why.

Of course, then there are times that I'm right in ways that are ridiculously coincidental. Like, despite desperately wanting to spend time overseas, always being afraid that something would happen to one of my parents if I did. Then, I went overseas for 11 days and my dad had a major stroke before I'd even touched down. So yeah. Pessimist, or realist? Evidence is for the latter. (For the record, Dad's doing good now, 18 months later).

_________________________________________________

One day of work to go! It's going to be a full and long day, but I've got this. What I *need* to get a handle on is making plans for the holidays beyond one therapy appointment and Adam visiting.

*wanders off to find ice cream*
 
Evie said:
I don't know if he'd call them SMART goals, that was my choice to use that acronym because additional buildings on the property, with the builder already making plans, rather fits that criteria in my mind. As for the universe providing, he perceives his career trajectory as a bit of a fluke - he's quite bemused by it all - and is forging ahead with these building plans even in the face of a restructure because of a level of confidence that there will be a good fit role at the end of it, there or even somewhere else. I saw a touch of trepidation at the early stages of the process, but overall, I get the sense that he's confident without false bravado. More a deep sense of surety that there is definitely going to be something next.
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Ahh ok that makes sense :) I can understand, I have always known what i wanted to do, I got lucky and somehow landed up in a spot very aligned with my 9 year old wants. Except for the managing of people, now in leadership which WASN'T what I expected as a shy kid.

Luckily the shy got beat up living in Whistler ski resort and I became extreme social which is a win in any sort of leadership, but especially in technology, where if you can do, and talk, you win.
Evie said:
Meanwhile, I'm really hoping that I will get to at least renew my fixed term contract next year. I would be very likely able to find a job somewhere else around here if it isn't renewed, but I really LIKE where I'm working right now. I've had a lot of experience of the universe providing, especially over these past half dozen years or so, but I still have trust issues lol. Like the rug is going to be pulled out from under me at any moment. I don't know why when my experience is generally very positive. I'm not a surly pessimist, but I do tend to find myself either anxious or despondent about some aspects of the future. I've lived with uncertainty a lot since I'm not good at holding down jobs or careers, so I guess that's the main reason why.
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I sympathize with this. I have a number of friends locked into moderate contracts. Temp to hire usually doesn't result in hire, but it can work.

And oh boy, do I relate to the rug pull comment. I am honestly, extreme successful in my career, I am always thinking the rug will get yanked and I have to adapt. Constant imposter syndrome. Also not a pessimist, just a ... pragmatic realist. I have made a lot of progress in life as a high school dropout, no certs and no formal training. Lacking in those 3 things always has me watching my back regardless of the successes :)
 
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