Of course you've read over and over how it's hard to separate sex and love, for poly people.
Apparently, I have to learn the hard way...
Over and over!
I'm not even sure I am a "polyamorous person", as in by orientation (vs. by choice in a polyamorous relationship structure), I may just be plain old serially monogamous as far as bonding goes, with the capacity to have a bit of a crush (or even a big crush) while already in a relationship. I was afraid I may fall out of love with Idealist if I try to have a relationship with someone else, luckily so far this isn't happening, we're bonding as much as possible. Idealist is not jealous this time, so that helps!
This is kink, not sex, but I'm pretty sure the exact same hormones/endorphins are stimulated, dopamine, oxytocin, etc. And as you know, there is a lot of vulnerability and trust needed in a good intense kink scene. Unless your kink partner is off-putting in some ways, I think it's quite natural to get NRE (or more), especially if you meet with the other person more than once. Also, if they're good at aftercare, that will make you just float and melt in their arms as you come back to earth.
I know! I believe the dive is even stronger.
I'm not sure why you're fighting it with this man... (I'm sure you have your reasons.)
Turns out he's married and DADT (kind of the lowest ethical standard I can accept, but he assured me she's got her own ventures). Not much room to deepen a relationship.
Not that much room for a time commitment on my side either, since I'm in his city two evenings a week max, and generally low on energy.
Also, obviously, he isn't tying just me, I assume feelings are different on his side.
I came to a jam and chose a rigger by the only criteria that I liked how he tied. That's now almost a year ago (but because of my poor health mostly, we've only tied for the third time now). I was in a bit of a funk where I wasn't sure if I'm even still into bdsm. At least that question has been now answered with certainty
But if you're feeling "too" bonded, I'd have to say you need do the things swingers do. Don't make eye contact. (Wear a mask?) Don't cuddle after the scene. (I'm not sure you're one-on-one in private, or at a club. If you're at a club, maybe someone else could provide aftercare.) Don't do "vanilla" things together. Not spending much time texting or calling is a good idea.
If all else fails, you'll have to stop seeing him.
Yeah, I'd rather cut contact than put restrictions on aftercare, but I hope it doesn't have to come to that.
I'm refraining from meetings out of the rope space (tempted!)
On the other hand, since things are rocky with Idealist, you could just go with the flow and enjoy your NRE... (That's probably what I would've done haha)
The question is, am I able to do that without it becoming more torture than fun under these circumstances.
I'm not sure I ever told that story, but NRE with Idealist was... absolutely life-shattering. I had a monogamous partner back then (whom I polybombed), and it took almost half a year for us to accept and resolve the situation. One moment I wanted to cut contact with Idealist (and we were not even doing kink yet at that point, we've just seen each other a few times, but oh the potential...). Two weeks later, after sitting through lectures at school not understanding a word, I was like "fuck it, I need to see him, or else I'm going to a psych ward now". There was much more going on than just NRE, but the intoxication was so strong.
I don't have a ton of experience with NRE since. I've had a huge crush on a rope teacher who also tied me once (which was life-altering!), but that could not develop beyond that one time.
However,
I don't want to avoid NRE for the rest of my life because it may become too strong. I want to learn to handle my emotions better so that it doesn't interfere with my work and life (too much), so that's why I'm asking how y'all do it.
Am I making any more sense now?
For me, kink is completely tied to sex. I don't want kink without sex (at least orgasms for me) along with it. And that's just going to increase the bonds.
However, I have done a few kink scenes with 4 or 5 guys who didn't actually care for sex much, or at all, so the kink had to stand on its own. For me, that wasn't bad... but it wasn't great either. When kink is tied to great sex, it's absolutely life-changing for me. And I find that a positive. It's a treasure. Some kink or sex partners can be so damn bad, that I really appreciate it when it's great, and soul-stirring and bonding.
Sex, as in penetration, is off the table (on both sides, I believe). But it was still quite strongly a sexual experience
It's not just bonding, these are real altered states of consciousness. It truly is a treasure.
I'm just worried whether it may come at a price too high. But it may be just that - worried.
