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The journey to myself
- Thread starter Tinwen
- Start date
I wrote a really depressed post yesterday and deleted it. Let me blog about something more fun and more poly! I wanted to write about this in August, but the kids' debate was going on, so I didn't, so here you go.
I had a really out-of-this-world rope session.
I had been deeply involved with shibari community before, but in the past few years my bdsm preferences have changed to the point where I was no longer sure I'm even into it. As I started working in another city, I decided to see the local shibari place and went to a jam. At the end, I approached the most gentle rigger in the room - I just liked how he built up his floor work, no suspension, lots of attention. In my masochistic past, I might have found his style boring, because he's not pushing limits, but I decided to give it a try.
We struggled to find a time to meet for a very long time (I wasn't in the city where I work all that much, and I cancelled once for illness), but he didn't give up on me, and we finally met end of July three time - once for a walk, and twice for tying.
The first time meeting for ropes I was quite nervous, excited too, but as soon as we started I was able to let go and experience a feeling of happiness and safety. Not just that - I touched profound and surprising depth. For a moment at least, there was absolutely no doubt in my mind, I was feeling pure bliss. It was one of those moments no words can capture.
When we untied I noticed I was still in a meditative-like state of altered consciousness, when thoughts are minimal and colors are more colorful
I was very lucky the rigger handled this well.
The second session was "just a normal session", no extraordinary state of consciousness, but still very nice. I'm happy to have found someone who can be trusted. He also happens to teach physics (at a different uni!), which is a fun coincidence since I really chose him without any conversation at all.
He's married with kids and much older, so no, I'm not taking that to any deep relationship-y level. Time and health don't permit it anyway, with me being ill almost non-stop for the past two months we haven't managed to meet again Sigh.
I spent some time wondering how a peak experience like this came about. It wasn't the riggers skill, this was about me, although he contributed greatly with his caring attitude.
I haven't tied with many men (I'm kind of a monogamish exception in the community), haven't had a rope relationship besides Idealist, but some of the short one-off sessions I did? I've had extraordinary experiences. So there is something about the quality of trust I can give for the first time. A profoundly true illusion.
Also, there's something I've heard a tantric teacher say to someone who experienced blissful states of mind in meditation: they don't last, because they are a reward for work done. I think to approach someone I had to overcome a personal limitation, and this was my reward.
This experience was important to me. It has confirmed that, while I don't desire the combination of excitement and pain as much as I did, I'm still into rope. The memory has faded quite a bit already, but I still want to cherish it and add it to my 'golden collection' of altered states of mind.
I had a really out-of-this-world rope session.
I had been deeply involved with shibari community before, but in the past few years my bdsm preferences have changed to the point where I was no longer sure I'm even into it. As I started working in another city, I decided to see the local shibari place and went to a jam. At the end, I approached the most gentle rigger in the room - I just liked how he built up his floor work, no suspension, lots of attention. In my masochistic past, I might have found his style boring, because he's not pushing limits, but I decided to give it a try.
We struggled to find a time to meet for a very long time (I wasn't in the city where I work all that much, and I cancelled once for illness), but he didn't give up on me, and we finally met end of July three time - once for a walk, and twice for tying.
The first time meeting for ropes I was quite nervous, excited too, but as soon as we started I was able to let go and experience a feeling of happiness and safety. Not just that - I touched profound and surprising depth. For a moment at least, there was absolutely no doubt in my mind, I was feeling pure bliss. It was one of those moments no words can capture.
When we untied I noticed I was still in a meditative-like state of altered consciousness, when thoughts are minimal and colors are more colorful
I was very lucky the rigger handled this well.
The second session was "just a normal session", no extraordinary state of consciousness, but still very nice. I'm happy to have found someone who can be trusted. He also happens to teach physics (at a different uni!), which is a fun coincidence since I really chose him without any conversation at all.
He's married with kids and much older, so no, I'm not taking that to any deep relationship-y level. Time and health don't permit it anyway, with me being ill almost non-stop for the past two months we haven't managed to meet again
Sigh.I spent some time wondering how a peak experience like this came about. It wasn't the riggers skill, this was about me, although he contributed greatly with his caring attitude.
I haven't tied with many men (I'm kind of a monogamish exception in the community), haven't had a rope relationship besides Idealist, but some of the short one-off sessions I did? I've had extraordinary experiences. So there is something about the quality of trust I can give for the first time. A profoundly true illusion.
Also, there's something I've heard a tantric teacher say to someone who experienced blissful states of mind in meditation: they don't last, because they are a reward for work done. I think to approach someone I had to overcome a personal limitation, and this was my reward.
This experience was important to me. It has confirmed that, while I don't desire the combination of excitement and pain as much as I did, I'm still into rope. The memory has faded quite a bit already, but I still want to cherish it and add it to my 'golden collection' of altered states of mind.