The journey to myself

I wrote a really depressed post yesterday and deleted it. Let me blog about something more fun and more poly! I wanted to write about this in August, but the kids' debate was going on, so I didn't, so here you go.

I had a really out-of-this-world rope session.

I had been deeply involved with shibari community before, but in the past few years my bdsm preferences have changed to the point where I was no longer sure I'm even into it. As I started working in another city, I decided to see the local shibari place and went to a jam. At the end, I approached the most gentle rigger in the room - I just liked how he built up his floor work, no suspension, lots of attention. In my masochistic past, I might have found his style boring, because he's not pushing limits, but I decided to give it a try.

We struggled to find a time to meet for a very long time (I wasn't in the city where I work all that much, and I cancelled once for illness), but he didn't give up on me, and we finally met end of July three time - once for a walk, and twice for tying.

The first time meeting for ropes I was quite nervous, excited too, but as soon as we started I was able to let go and experience a feeling of happiness and safety. Not just that - I touched profound and surprising depth. For a moment at least, there was absolutely no doubt in my mind, I was feeling pure bliss. It was one of those moments no words can capture.
When we untied I noticed I was still in a meditative-like state of altered consciousness, when thoughts are minimal and colors are more colorful :)
I was very lucky the rigger handled this well.

The second session was "just a normal session", no extraordinary state of consciousness, but still very nice. I'm happy to have found someone who can be trusted. He also happens to teach physics (at a different uni!), which is a fun coincidence since I really chose him without any conversation at all.
He's married with kids and much older, so no, I'm not taking that to any deep relationship-y level. Time and health don't permit it anyway, with me being ill almost non-stop for the past two months we haven't managed to meet again :( Sigh.

I spent some time wondering how a peak experience like this came about. It wasn't the riggers skill, this was about me, although he contributed greatly with his caring attitude.
I haven't tied with many men (I'm kind of a monogamish exception in the community), haven't had a rope relationship besides Idealist, but some of the short one-off sessions I did? I've had extraordinary experiences. So there is something about the quality of trust I can give for the first time. A profoundly true illusion.
Also, there's something I've heard a tantric teacher say to someone who experienced blissful states of mind in meditation: they don't last, because they are a reward for work done. I think to approach someone I had to overcome a personal limitation, and this was my reward.

This experience was important to me. It has confirmed that, while I don't desire the combination of excitement and pain as much as I did, I'm still into rope. The memory has faded quite a bit already, but I still want to cherish it and add it to my 'golden collection' of altered states of mind.
 
To keep the positive tone, ChatGPT (or another AI, I'm sure) is being really a huge help with coding. Basic text-file handling and graph creation? It can be trusted to write code that just works. I can't say the same about my own tries ;), but when I do write something? It will correct my syntax.
I will even be able to correctly apply non-trivial concepts. Like that time my few lines of code ran fine in the command line, but failed as soon as I put them into a text file and ran them as a script. It told me the script is being run in a subshell and I have to load the right module (something like this). I wouldn't know how to google such a thing!

Learning IT was always so fucking frustrating for me that it became an insurmountable obstacle. I didn't get any good basics from anywhere and I didn't know how to overcome the problems I encountered. Having AI to consult is really a huge relief.
 
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I'd love for positive posts to get as many replies as the negative and controversial ones, but that isn't how the world works, anyway, feel free to ;)
 
I ended up in hospital with pneumonia - I need oxygen, but it seems I'll be fine, hopefully now I get the right antibiotics.

Somehow it seems I immediately got myself a reputation for being the trouble-maker here. One staff member told me outright that they are careful about me, and others do seem irritated. I'm not exactly sure what I did. Yes, I'm sensitive and don't take discomfort all that easily, but aren't people? Yes, I ask everything, but am I not supposed to when it's my health? Am I just doomed by having "scientist" as a job title?
Maybe there's something on top of it, like a level of politeness I am missing or something? That's something I could work on for the sake of seemless relating, but I can't really tell, so I can't fix it :( It triggers feelings of worthlessness.
 
Ask that forthright one what's the problem?
 
Evie said:
Ask that forthright one what's the problem?
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Maybe? If the same guy is around for more days. They change a lot.
I did manage to exchange a few lines of conversation with him later. He was mocking me that too many questions make people sick (or maybe he meant it?) and I should be dumb. [I hope I swallowed all expression of how much I feel that as in insult at this point.] I told him I want to know about everything, but then I remembered I do completely dumb on politics and told him too. He told me some convoluted idea of progress on his way through the door. So there was an exchange - probably the only non-technical small talk I had with any staff member - so maybe I could ask how I earned my reputation if he feels talkative again.

But getting a reputation literally overnight? Wow.
 
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Today's staff is much more professional. Or less overwhelmed.
I think it was more about the reality of hospitals, where the nurse runs from saving lives to making tea.
 
I've often had problems with people deciding I'm "difficult" based on one interaction where I had a good reason to be irritable or irritated, and while I thought I was making a good effort to be patient and polite and considerate.

Maybe it's my tone of voice that annoys people?

I know how you feel, anyway.
 
Happy new year!
 
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