The journey to myself

Happy, happy, happy!!!!!
It’s solved!!!!!
I got a postdoc position. I’ll be doing physics in a “neerby” (3h drive city), and I don’t even have to be there all days a week.

I must be the only one on the whole world who did’t dare send a postdoc application for two years, then sent ONE and got hired :O :O :O

Idealist... is not the easiest person to be, communicate and live with. (Understatement. Sometimes it's really hard to hold my ground.) He is quite selfish sometimes and has weird blind spots that make communication oftentimes go in circles with no resolution.

These are not the easiest relationship times. The word "break-up" has been voiced more often than comfortable in the past few months, as our sexual passion has been absent for quite some time.

That being said, he just lived with me through a very long and rough depressive phase I'm sure not all partners would have managed. While his love and empathy aren't always easily translated to action (or shown, when his demons take over), he's a person with great capacity for these nurturing emotions.

One thing I struggle a lot with is the disapproval of my social bubble. People, most of my friends, in fact, have real trouble with accepting Idealist, resulting in friends and even strangers sometimes telling me that he's not a good partner to me. Apparently, he's selfish, patronizing and a horrible communicator, say these people who (with exceptions) wouldn't take the time to get to know him well, communicating their impressions sometimes in rather horrible ways and trying to patronize me into breaking up. (Sometimes, this is connected with hating polyamory too.) And, I do get why they say it. I have been able to see the patterns all along. Especially in the first years, there had been a lot of inner tension between love and reason. I have also been able to see the better side of him. So far, I have still stayed.

The thing I want to complain about is that it is JUST AS HARD to deal with these disapprovals, as it is to communicate with and understand Idealist sometimes. When people say what they say, I feel just as misunderstood and belittled as I do when Idealist is trying to convince me that some decision or preference of mine can't be right, because he just doesn't get it. (In his ideal world, things work differently.)

I suspect there is some pattern in my behavior, inherited from family or learned otherwise, that makes partners and people in general think I need to be saved, or something.
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Merry Christmas to all who come here :)
Things have improved with Idealist over the holiday season. We had some talks.

A lot of anger came out of me, and I named many fears. Then we felt closer. It seems intimacy has been blocked by suppressed anger, after all. The issues are not solved (they are of the kind that requires many talks and effort), and anger still comes up. But there is hope for us.

We're trying a therapist. Let's see if the lady I found is any good.

Physical distance when I commute will probably change a lot, too.