The journey to myself

Amazing news, opportunity to consider.
There's a flat free to rent in the very house where Idealist is living. Because it's really on the same corridor, what seemed impossible last year maybe could happen now - Idealist also putting in some more money and moving his workplace there. We must make a decision this week.

It seems like the right step, something we must do sooner or later (and we've been together for quite some time). Try if we can make things work living together, although parttime.

It has a few hiccups though.
The practical stuff:
  • There are some unusual/uncomfortable features, in particular, the bathroom being on the completely opposite end of the flat than the toilet. The kitchen doesn't have cupboards, just shelves, etc.. These make me feel not at home.
  • I have no fucking clue how to set proper boundaries with Meta. I'd prefer if she didn't come at all, but that's unfortunately out of question. She'll be bringing the child sometimes for Idealist to watch. (We'll have to set up some dedicated space for the child, but that's fine with me.) She also wants the right to come see Idealist anytime. I'd rather not have that, but obviously his preferences also play a role. I'm not sure how firm to be, or what to shoot for in the negotiation. At the very least, no surprise drop-ins, please.

And, more feeling stuff:
  • Somehow we (both) struggle to look forward to it. We should be enthusiastic about the opportunity, instead, deep sadness of an unknown source is coming up, and a lot of fear and worry.
    Questions like: Given our relationship history, is intimacy a trap? Can we retain our bdsm/lovers dynamics if we go closer? Can we make agreements without feeling constrained?

I think we both fear nice times ending and family scripts loading. Possibly conflicts growing like with Idealists parents, or a life of obligation as with mine.
A real danger, or mostly illusory? I have to work through that.
(Btw. My parents are mostly happy people, but somehow their way never worked for me.)

I'm convinced that taking the flat will lead to something net positive (even if it was a realization that no, this is not gonna work) and it is the thing to do, but somehow not easy.
As usually, comments welcome. Especially from your experience of moving together.
 
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So THAT was one hell of a turmoil. Deciding whether or not to move and clarifying everything. And then moving this weekend. To make things a little more complicated, I got a really bad cold. I arranged for a cleaning sevice to get the new flat ready, and got two wonderful friends help me move, but I still had to pack all the stuff and clean the old flat myself. All my stuff is still in bags all over the floor of my future bedroom - unpacking is a task for days to come, as well as getting a double bed and furniture for Idealist's workspace.

Right now I'm laying on Idealist's couch in their flat. Meta and the kid left to visit her parents for two weeks. I have no idea if that has anything to do with our move. I hope not.

I'll have to decide in the morning whether I go to work (obviously my body is capable of cleaning for a few hours straight - I wouldn't have believed that), or go see the doctor again with my terrible cold, or just try to finally get some rest.
 
I thought I had already posted an update on living together, but now I see I didn't - I must have lost that post unfinished.

To be concise, it's working quite well for me and Idealist. We've handled the various frictions better then I expected so far. Idealist is going back and forth between the flats during the day, mostly working here. The Meta and Idealist pair is not necessarily in a great place, and I have no idea how the move has influenced that, but there seems to be no grudge.

I originally came to just note that I had an amazing weekend. Uh-huh. We did some stuff that's not safe to write about on the internet, but I'd love to. Although it's a long journey, I made some progress in processing my emotional pain too.
 
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I'm really glad to hear that things are going well for you at least!
 
Czechia's covid record is getting bad fast now. That was to be expected, since nobody cared during the summer, and now schools reopened too, no precautions taken. Even the proposed 'reasonable compromise' of 'let kids wear face masks on corridors, but put them down in classroom' was postponed due to general unpopularity and an approaching election. We were however hoping that at least the contact-tracking system is being improved and modified to suit a pandemic. But no. It's still a bunch of old ladies with phones who refused to hand over "their work" to an app or even a call-center and are now totally surprised that it's not humanly possible to call every single contact of a covid-positive person by themselves. Can you believe? (Yeah, since most of you are UK or US based, you can... which is kinda sad...)
Add in that the loudest voices in the country still scream "it's just a disease like cold and influenza, we have to live with it", and we're losing everything that has been gained with the early lockdown in spring. (Well. Except for the relatively safe summer vacations. Those have been nice.) Sigh.
 
Aside from that, my phd fluctuates wildly between hope and despair. The good news is, we are about to send a journal article. The bad news is, the theory in that article is shit. We haven't been able to come up with anything decent - just refute some first ideas. The good news is, if it's accepted, then I 'just' have to write some text which will pass for a thesis (and if I have 3 journal articles, one of which is in international collaboration, it should). The bad news is, as it stands, it's hard to believe the article will get accepted. Besides, I should wrap up fast, since my stipend is ending.

I've decided not to try to stay in physics, but I'm still very torn on the inside. I'll miss that contact with the forefront of human knowledge, even if very specialized, and even if I proved not very suitable to do research in that field. (My computer skills are just not enough and I absolutely hate learning those, plus it's too introverted, so...) It was my childhood dream to do science and make discoveries, and I have no clue what I'll be doing if I'm not doing university research and teaching. I need some out-of-the-ivory-tower work experience, which I won't get until I'm finished, so I'm in limbo.

Leaving academia could lead to a change I badly need. But, I suspect there's something that can't be easily found elsewhere I'll miss so much...
 
Tinwen said:
I've decided not to try to stay in physics, but I'm still very torn on the inside. I'll miss that contact with the forefront of human knowledge, even if very specialized, and even if I proved not very suitable to do research in that field. (My computer skills are just not enough and I absolutely hate learning those, plus it's too introverted, so...) It was my childhood dream to do science and make discoveries, and I have no clue what I'll be doing if I'm not doing university research and teaching. I need some out-of-the-ivory-tower work experience, which I won't get until I'm finished, so I'm in limbo.

Leaving academia could lead to a change I badly need. But, I suspect there's something that can't be easily found elsewhere I'll miss so much...
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In many ways I spent my childhood dreaming of the same - genetics, not physics, but still. I figured out I was wrong about wanting it in undergrad, so I at least didn't have the experience of getting a grad degree I didn't want... on the other hand I never DID figure out what ELSE I wanted to do with my life, not really.

And I do recreational historic research to fill that academia / discovery slot. One of these days I'll even find a good enough subject to submit to Kalamazoo; I have a few non-academia friends who have presented there and it seems a reasonable goal someday.... ok sorry musing out loud, will end my derail now. ;-)
 
There is often work (usually freelance) for copyediting or translating science articles. Sometimes they want someone with a PhD in that field. That might be something you could do.
 
MeeraReed said:
There is often work (usually freelance) for copyediting or translating science articles. Sometimes they want someone with a PhD in that field. That might be something you could do.
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Possibly. I'm not an English native speaker and Czechia is a small market though.
 
I'm not an artist by any means, but this is a personally important picture... here you go ;)
 

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A facebook friend of mine was kind of ... asking her friends to suspend bdsm debates around her and keep her out of bdsm-related posts, publicly on facebook. She's on my civil profile, which doesn't have any of that stuff, and we don't really come into in-person contact, so it's basically not affecting me at all. Except, I felt a wave of anger, and couldn't stop myself from writing something that likely wasn't helpful to her at all. Even though the request was sensitively worded and understandable, and she's obviously done an effort to be a good friend and tolerate stuff, to me it's just another person who thinks my kink is disgusting and should be kept private. Thanks, no thanks. I feel somewhat mean though, disgusted at myself and hurt at the same time too :( ... much more affected than the situation "deserves".
 
Oops, guilty as charged!

"Indecisive individuals are stuck in inner conflict: Consciously, they want to feel decisive, but unconsciously they are tempted or compelled to “know themselves” through self-doubt, uncertainty, and a sense of weakness."

https://whywesuffer.com/a-decisive-look-at-indecision/
 
A curfew at 21:00? Can't go for a walk in the evening? Our government is fucking kidding me.
 
I dunno, about the BDSM stuff... some people think of it like sex, and some people just aren't comfortable talking about their own sex lives, let alone someone else's. I don't think it has anything to do with calling it disgusting but rather more just of individual comfort levels.

Would it help to think of it like that?
 
Vicki82 said:
I dunno, about the BDSM stuff... some people think of it like sex, and some people just aren't comfortable talking about their own sex lives, let alone someone else's. I don't think it has anything to do with calling it disgusting but rather more just of individual comfort levels.

Would it help to think of it like that?
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Not really, but I can't figure out why. Part of it certainly is that "these people" (insert people who aren't comforatable talking about sex, or people who aren't comfortable with emotions in general, or people who find kink disgusting, all summed up) will make it impossible to express that genuine excitement and liberation which comes with finally being able to realize your kinky side.

I'm not thinking of the accident any more, it's in the past. Though I'm afraid my view of her might have changed.

Anyway, my sexual preferences are maybe changing as well. Let's see where I land in a year.
 
Hello beautiful forum people, long time no see.

Unfortunately, I'm not doing too well, and I've been doing even worse last winter.

The poly part is actually going ok, or at least, not terribly. We still live in two flats separated by one floor of hallway stairs. My relationship with Idalist is not as sexually charged as it used to be (some problems there), but moving in together right before covid was the best decision we could have made for the coming months and years, and the most lucky coincidence that happened to me ever.
Meta's kid is four now and doing well. From what I see, Idealist is not the most present father ever, but when he does spend time with his son, it's certainly quality time. Then again, I'm not a very present auntie, I haven't magically developed an affinity to and patience for little kids. Luckily, Meta's family is willing to get involved too.

What is not going well is my health, both physical and mental, and my sense of purpose. I've been ill for about three months in the first 2020 covid wave, except it probably wasn't covid, and my problem with repeated respiratory infections has gotten worse since. I wrote my thesis during the second covid winter - more physically healthy in quarantine, not the easiest on the psyche - so I defended and got my PhD in September 2021. The next thing I know I've been suffering from repeated colds (including covid), postcovid tiredness, a terrible tonsilitis that required two months of penicillin injections and a serious depressive episode (triggered by leaving university and essentially a third winter of social isolation) all at once.

I only started part-time working this November, in insurance consulting. They have clever people, a nice team and are rather benevolent with home office, which is my only savior, because I still get a cold basically every month (of course the doctors haven't found anything wrong really, I'm taking some imunomodulators and they help shorten the colds from double the time of a normal person to about the usual time, but still). So I'm learning to work regardless, otherwise, I'm afraid I'd be unemployable.

I may seem strange but haven't managed to fully grieve my giving up on science. It's hard to imagine moving somewhere abroad for work, without Idealist, and with all these health problems. However the sense of purpose I lost, and the knowledge that I will not be using any of the quantum mechanics knowledge I got during my studies (and I'll just forget it) are wearing heavily on me. I'm still depressed, although less then last year this time, especially every time I get ill.
I've got therapy of course, and I can't say it now working, but for this issue... it's not really working. Not as fast as one would want to anyway.

I've tried to find a new purpose in working with people, I'm running a personal development group for students on my former faculty, and I've been trying to get into an official therapy training. They don't want me, because I don't have an education in psychology, social work or a few of other humanistic sciences. So I'm starting an unofficial three years training in dynamic body psychotherapy now, and I just hope I'll be able to attend the workshops. However, despite having made this decision, I lost faith that I'd be able to transition into this line of work due to those health issues of mine. You can't really be a therapist who abandons his clients due to illness every other month. I can't teach at a university either. Which means I'm concurrently also grieving the loss of my possibilities and capabilities.

In short, although there are some bright points, my life isn't quite working out at the moment.

There are many emotionally mature people on this forum, so I'd appreciate any input on difficult grieving, losing childhood dreams or coming to terms with limited possibilities you might have.

Wish happy easter Mondey, good luck and especially good health to all of you.
 
Tinwen said:
without Idealist, and with all these health problems. However the sense of purpose I lost, and the knowledge that I will not be using any of the quantum mechanics knowledge I got during my studies (and I'll just forget it) are wearing heavily on me
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I don't know if you have the energy for this, but why not start putting this information into some sort of teaching or presenting material and then starting a podcast of YouTube videos or something. A friend of mine has just started something similar which is aimed at teaching the parents of young people more about their field. It's essentially a mini course in the subject.
 
SEASONEDpolyAgain said:
I don't know if you have the energy for this, but why not start putting this information into some sort of teaching or presenting material and then starting a podcast of YouTube videos or something. A friend of mine has just started something similar which is aimed at teaching the parents of young people more about their field. It's essentially a mini course in the subject.
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Or even just the "perpetual student" types - like MrS, he always has a science youtube channel he is binging, currently doing CrashCourse Chemistry...(Last night I walked by and heard the guy saying "...now you know more about chemistry than anyone did in 1900..." and I smiled :giggle:)
 
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