The journey to myself

Tinwen

Active member
Amazing news, opportunity to consider.
There's a flat free to rent in the very house where Idealist is living. Because it's really on the same corridor, what seemed impossible last year maybe could happen now - Idealist also putting in some more money and moving his workplace there. We must make a decision this week.

It seems like the right step, something we must do sooner or later (and we've been together for quite some time). Try if we can make things work living together, although parttime.

It has a few hiccups though.
The practical stuff:
  • There are some unusual/uncomfortable features, in particular, the bathroom being on the completely opposite end of the flat than the toilet. The kitchen doesn't have cupboards, just shelves, etc.. These make me feel not at home.
  • I have no fucking clue how to set proper boundaries with Meta. I'd prefer if she didn't come at all, but that's unfortunately out of question. She'll be bringing the child sometimes for Idealist to watch. (We'll have to set up some dedicated space for the child, but that's fine with me.) She also wants the right to come see Idealist anytime. I'd rather not have that, but obviously his preferences also play a role. I'm not sure how firm to be, or what to shoot for in the negotiation. At the very least, no surprise drop-ins, please.

And, more feeling stuff:
  • Somehow we (both) struggle to look forward to it. We should be enthusiastic about the opportunity, instead, deep sadness of an unknown source is coming up, and a lot of fear and worry.
    Questions like: Given our relationship history, is intimacy a trap? Can we retain our bdsm/lovers dynamics if we go closer? Can we make agreements without feeling constrained?

I think we both fear nice times ending and family scripts loading. Possibly conflicts growing like with Idealists parents, or a life of obligation as with mine.
A real danger, or mostly illusory? I have to work through that.
(Btw. My parents are mostly happy people, but somehow their way never worked for me.)

I'm convinced that taking the flat will lead to something net positive (even if it was a realization that no, this is not gonna work) and it is the thing to do, but somehow not easy.
As usually, comments welcome. Especially from your experience of moving together.
 
Last edited:

Tinwen

Active member
So THAT was one hell of a turmoil. Deciding whether or not to move and clarifying everything. And then moving this weekend. To make things a little more complicated, I got a really bad cold. I arranged for a cleaning sevice to get the new flat ready, and got two wonderful friends help me move, but I still had to pack all the stuff and clean the old flat myself. All my stuff is still in bags all over the floor of my future bedroom - unpacking is a task for days to come, as well as getting a double bed and furniture for Idealist's workspace.

Right now I'm laying on Idealist's couch in their flat. Meta and the kid left to visit her parents for two weeks. I have no idea if that has anything to do with our move. I hope not.

I'll have to decide in the morning whether I go to work (obviously my body is capable of cleaning for a few hours straight - I wouldn't have believed that), or go see the doctor again with my terrible cold, or just try to finally get some rest.
 

Tinwen

Active member
I thought I had already posted an update on living together, but now I see I didn't - I must have lost that post unfinished.

To be concise, it's working quite well for me and Idealist. We've handled the various frictions better then I expected so far. Idealist is going back and forth between the flats during the day, mostly working here. The Meta and Idealist pair is not necessarily in a great place, and I have no idea how the move has influenced that, but there seems to be no grudge.

I originally came to just note that I had an amazing weekend. Uh-huh. We did some stuff that's not safe to write about on the internet, but I'd love to. Although it's a long journey, I made some progress in processing my emotional pain too.
 
Last edited:

icesong

Member
I'm really glad to hear that things are going well for you at least!
 

Tinwen

Active member
Czechia's covid record is getting bad fast now. That was to be expected, since nobody cared during the summer, and now schools reopened too, no precautions taken. Even the proposed 'reasonable compromise' of 'let kids wear face masks on corridors, but put them down in classroom' was postponed due to general unpopularity and an approaching election. We were however hoping that at least the contact-tracking system is being improved and modified to suit a pandemic. But no. It's still a bunch of old ladies with phones who refused to hand over "their work" to an app or even a call-center and are now totally surprised that it's not humanly possible to call every single contact of a covid-positive person by themselves. Can you believe? (Yeah, since most of you are UK or US based, you can... which is kinda sad...)
Add in that the loudest voices in the country still scream "it's just a disease like cold and influenza, we have to live with it", and we're losing everything that has been gained with the early lockdown in spring. (Well. Except for the relatively safe summer vacations. Those have been nice.) Sigh.
 

Tinwen

Active member
Aside from that, my phd fluctuates wildly between hope and despair. The good news is, we are about to send a journal article. The bad news is, the theory in that article is shit. We haven't been able to come up with anything decent - just refute some first ideas. The good news is, if it's accepted, then I 'just' have to write some text which will pass for a thesis (and if I have 3 journal articles, one of which is in international collaboration, it should). The bad news is, as it stands, it's hard to believe the article will get accepted. Besides, I should wrap up fast, since my stipend is ending.

I've decided not to try to stay in physics, but I'm still very torn on the inside. I'll miss that contact with the forefront of human knowledge, even if very specialized, and even if I proved not very suitable to do research in that field. (My computer skills are just not enough and I absolutely hate learning those, plus it's too introverted, so...) It was my childhood dream to do science and make discoveries, and I have no clue what I'll be doing if I'm not doing university research and teaching. I need some out-of-the-ivory-tower work experience, which I won't get until I'm finished, so I'm in limbo.

Leaving academia could lead to a change I badly need. But, I suspect there's something that can't be easily found elsewhere I'll miss so much...
 

icesong

Member
I've decided not to try to stay in physics, but I'm still very torn on the inside. I'll miss that contact with the forefront of human knowledge, even if very specialized, and even if I proved not very suitable to do research in that field. (My computer skills are just not enough and I absolutely hate learning those, plus it's too introverted, so...) It was my childhood dream to do science and make discoveries, and I have no clue what I'll be doing if I'm not doing university research and teaching. I need some out-of-the-ivory-tower work experience, which I won't get until I'm finished, so I'm in limbo.

Leaving academia could lead to a change I badly need. But, I suspect there's something that can't be easily found elsewhere I'll miss so much...

In many ways I spent my childhood dreaming of the same - genetics, not physics, but still. I figured out I was wrong about wanting it in undergrad, so I at least didn't have the experience of getting a grad degree I didn't want... on the other hand I never DID figure out what ELSE I wanted to do with my life, not really.

And I do recreational historic research to fill that academia / discovery slot. One of these days I'll even find a good enough subject to submit to Kalamazoo; I have a few non-academia friends who have presented there and it seems a reasonable goal someday.... ok sorry musing out loud, will end my derail now. ;-)
 

MeeraReed

Member
There is often work (usually freelance) for copyediting or translating science articles. Sometimes they want someone with a PhD in that field. That might be something you could do.
 

Tinwen

Active member
There is often work (usually freelance) for copyediting or translating science articles. Sometimes they want someone with a PhD in that field. That might be something you could do.
Possibly. I'm not an English native speaker and Czechia is a small market though.
 

Tinwen

Active member
I'm not an artist by any means, but this is a personally important picture... here you go ;)
 

Attachments

  • Realita (mensi).jpg
    Realita (mensi).jpg
    669.3 KB · Views: 4

Tinwen

Active member
A facebook friend of mine was kind of ... asking her friends to suspend bdsm debates around her and keep her out of bdsm-related posts, publicly on facebook. She's on my civil profile, which doesn't have any of that stuff, and we don't really come into in-person contact, so it's basically not affecting me at all. Except, I felt a wave of anger, and couldn't stop myself from writing something that likely wasn't helpful to her at all. Even though the request was sensitively worded and understandable, and she's obviously done an effort to be a good friend and tolerate stuff, to me it's just another person who thinks my kink is disgusting and should be kept private. Thanks, no thanks. I feel somewhat mean though, disgusted at myself and hurt at the same time too :( ... much more affected than the situation "deserves".
 

Tinwen

Active member
Oops, guilty as charged!

"Indecisive individuals are stuck in inner conflict: Consciously, they want to feel decisive, but unconsciously they are tempted or compelled to “know themselves” through self-doubt, uncertainty, and a sense of weakness."

https://whywesuffer.com/a-decisive-look-at-indecision/
 

Tinwen

Active member
A curfew at 21:00? Can't go for a walk in the evening? Our government is fucking kidding me.
 
Top