The journey to myself

Tinwen

Active member
The baby has been home now for a week. I've only visited it once, since I wasn't sure about my health for most of the week (and sure enough, I've got a cold now).

Idealist and Meta seem to be managing rather well. Idealist seems willing to learn. Meta is in good enough form, physically and mentally.

Magdlyn: I think it's both breastmilk and artificial, Meta didn't have brestmilk right away, but she's getting into it. The baby got a little bit of a cold after being transported from the hospital, but is healthy otherwise (phew).

As for my move, it still feels unfinished, there are still boxes around and stuff :eek:, I need to buy a new mattress and a table. Basically still getting used to the change. It's nice though that Idealist can just pop in every now and then.

The resting time did help a little. Moving is actually a good vacation from intellectual work, the week spent moving stuff and getting both apartments in clean did help me switch that head of for a while.
Unfortunately not enough for the body, judging by the fact that I'm ill again.

I've still got a lot going on in my life of course. Work is more fun now that exams are over, but it's still a major source of ... insecurity, and all kinds of emotions. (Next week in Germany. New grant, new projects, new deadlines, my boss now has an academic crisis too. Yai.)

My contemplating a career change got me to write an email to a lady who organizes a mentoring program, and personal development workshops for scientists. I think I'd enjoy her line of work quite a bit actually :D So I'll ask about that.
Excited for the possibility, afraid, you name it.

Also, the division between my parents and me is heavy on me emotionally. We talk every now and then on the phone and everyone is (pretending to be) really friendly. I've seen them twice since Christmas, but made the visits very short on purpose. I haven't told them that the child is born. It's totally weird. I miss them having my back. I hate that we live in two completely different worlds.
Somehow I'm actually more ok with Idealist being my family now.

The baby is magical, I've only held it once, can't wait to be healthy enough to see it again.

So yeah, still a lot going on, practically and emotionally. Mostly first-world problems (except for health perhaps), I'll be fine :) More positive emotions in the mix? Yes. But less stressed? Not really, no, I have to find out how to do that :)
 

Magdlyn

Well-known member
Thanks for the detailed update! I'm glad the baby is home and doing OK, and the parents are too. Also glad it's working out to be living so close to Idealist now so it's super easy for him to pop over.

As for stress/anxiety, do you exercise? It really does reduce stress. A lot.
 

Tinwen

Active member
I'm once again, after a long long time, excited about physics :)

We (the whole group) went to a wonderful workshop (wonderful=relevant). Usually, at big conferences, I only meet a few people who are doing something very similar, not this was two days of mostly comprehensible talk.

Aaaand, I finally got some "real work" task (a quite involved, even though hopefully straightforward, analytical calculation) to do. I'm looking forward to it. I know I'll probably get lost and depressed about the long equations at some point, but that's an artist's despair, I'm looking forward even to that ;) I'll finally be improving the skills I wanted to use all along.

I certainly hope I'll be able to finish that task!
 

Tinwen

Active member
Holotropic breathwork. I lack words. Absolutely, absolutely great.
 

Tinwen

Active member
Need to mark down a little 'poly' success.
I asked an experienced person to tie me up. He's here visiting and leading a workshop, and I know he noticed me at his previous workshops already and we have some kind of connection, so I decided to go for it, and he said yes. So hopefully it works out tomorrow at the ropejam. Whee!
I'm happy like a teen who's arranged for a first date, and also proud of myself for asking. It's kind of a big deal, because I never ask riggers other than my partner to tie with me (unless on the rare workshops where it's expected), partly because I don't trust myself to be beautiful and resilient enough to be wanted. But this teacher seems to appreciate emotional depth. So this will be special :)

*******************
For all who are looking for news with the baby... It's been going surprisingly peaceful. It's a baby. I'm not its parent. I go to see it once every week or two. It's mostly healthy, sometimes it catches a cold. It has shifted the relationship dynamics slightly, but not that much. Idealist is taking care of it with a lot of tenderness, but he also has no problem taking a weekend off parenting duties (especially when Meta's mother is around).
We are still not sure about the direction going forward, but I'm slightly more optimistic that maybe we can even do the two-families-next-door model and not feel slighted or kill each other.
The situation with my parents is still a deadlock. I do speak to them again, but since they won't accept that this here with Idealist is my life, don't want to hear about it at all, I think they are up for a rough ride.
 
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Evie

Well-known member
I hope your rope date goes really well!!!
 

Tinwen

Active member
Oh, damn, seems we had a miscommunication. I heard what I wanted to hear. I don't know why I supposed "some time at the rope jam" would mean "sometime tomorrow at the rope jam".

Well, I don't know why I made this possibility mean that much. But I guess I can still consider myself brave for asking.
 

Evie

Well-known member
Definitely brave for asking. And at another ropejam, please be brave again and say, "how about today."
 

Tinwen

Active member
Definitely brave for asking. And at another ropejam, please be brave again and say, "how about today."
Will do, thanks :) But I won't see him probably for half a year or so, better let go of expectations. Why do I have to crush on teachers :eek:

Well that was my mind spinning quite a story. Very excited, very disappointed. But I think I'm more or less back to emotional equilibrium today.
 

Tinwen

Active member
I wonder if I've just signed up for a few months of hell.

Eh, this should be actually a good thing. I'm going to Spain to spend a month in the group of a quite cool person, who not only has funny conference talks but publishes in Nature regularly. They are interested in some problem we might get insight into. (Thanks or no thanks to my supervisor.)

The hell part is - you guessed it. MORE NUMERICS with the hated NRG software.

Oh. Well.

If you ever meet anyone who's considering a phd - anyone who can fathom any other career for themselves than being a scientist - just tell them not to. The hierarchies set up in academia are not worth it.
 

Tinwen

Active member
Prayer

You can relax now
Come and open your eyes
Breathe deeply now
I am with you
My sweet, sweet child

Who do you think you are?
You are the child of God,
and that will never change.
You had a dream
That you misunderstood
You thought you are separate
But now you hear my voice

You can relax now
Come and open your eyes
Breathe deeply now
I am with you
My sweet, sweet child

You are the love of my life
My only creation
You are eternity
and that will never change.

You can relax now
Come and open your eyes
Breathe deeply now
I am with you
My sweet, sweet child.




(Allegedly of native American origin, if you know more, please let me know more. Has some special meaning to me.)
 
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Tinwen

Active member
We've been sailing pretty smooth as far as relationships go. The baby is now 7 months old (or a little younger, depends on how you count). When I'm not ill, like the last two weeks, I try to visit it every week or so, but I'm not doing more parenting than that. Also, Idealist doesn't really have a problem taking time off from his new family - we've been on vacation together during the summer. He's doing quite a bit of childcare, since he works from home he can watch during the week etc. He also has a nice tender relationship with the baby. But the main responsibility rests on Meta. Sometimes she has her mom over - which then requires some caution, since Meta's family are the only people we're really not out to. Not directly. I'm not actually sure how much they suspect, they know Idealist is attending various events with me.

I'll nickname the baby Shining. He's a lively little person. Allegedly when he was born, Meta's little niece said that he's shining and should be called a star. There are some kids nicknamed 'star' on this forum, so, Shining it is :)

The divide with my parents is still troubling me. I don't see them very often, but when I do - I love them, but it's weird. I can't talk about stuff that I did with Idealist, I don't talk about the personal development activities I do either (tried a few times with minor stuff, but they are not interested), and I don't want to talk about work if it's troubling me. This often results in me having nothing to share about my life at all. I still feel rejected by them. I have no idea how they want me to have a relationship to them in such an atmosphere of distrust and disinterst in what moves me most deeply. (<- appreciate any understanding on that)

As far as me and Idealist, we're mostly fine, but stuck on what kind of future to choose. Well, it's mostly my stuckness. I must come to terms with whether I want kids myself. I'm still not there yet.
We thought for a moment about moving to a smaller city to be able to get two or three flats basically on the same corridor. But we don't really want to move cities, and the issue of a more permanent living arrangement is not ... pressing enough. So. No idea.
 

Tinwen

Active member
I need some virtual hug. I was ill for two weeks, then trying to get functional for one and a half, and now it feels like I'm falling into some cold again. I've had enough! Please cheer on me to get well.
 

Vicki82

Member
I hope you feel better soon, Tinwen! Being sick is so miserable.
 

Leetah

Member
Have some virtual hugs and chicken soup! Colds can get so bad especially as they drag out. Feel better soon!

Leetah
 

Evie

Well-known member
*Hugs* Tinwen! I hope you are back to 100% asap.
 
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