The journey to myself

Hugs! I'm just now getting over a miserable cold, and the cough is lingering and lingering. Hope you feel better quickly!
 

Tinwen

Active member
Need to mark down a little 'poly' success.
I asked an experienced person to tie me up. He's here visiting and leading a workshop, and I know he noticed me at his previous workshops already and we have some kind of connection, so I decided to go for it, and he said yes. So hopefully it works out tomorrow at the ropejam. Whee!
I'm happy like a teen who's arranged for a first date, and also proud of myself for asking...
Oh, damn, seems we had a miscommunication. I heard what I wanted to hear. I don't know why I supposed "some time at the rope jam" would mean "sometime tomorrow at the rope jam".
Definitely brave for asking. And at another ropejam, please be brave again and say, "how about today."
Will do, thanks :) But I won't see him probably for half a year or so, better let go of expectations. Why do I have to crush on teachers :eek:
So I did manage to ask again and a session happened! Yai!
Long expected events could be disappointing, but I'm not disappointed at all, on the contrary, it was quite amazing. Not like out-of-this-world amazing, but an awesomely built session with lots of movement and pleasure and a wonderful emotional afterglow, which for me lasted the whole evening... + of course, today I crush again :) Uh :D

I also felt very respected and valued. So amazing!
 

Evie

Active member
Ohhhh, that's wonderful. I'm so happy it happened 😀
 

Tinwen

Active member
Ohhhh, that's wonderful. I'm so happy it happened 😀
Me too, thanks for the encouragement :)
I'm still daydreaming :)
 

Vicki82

Member
Sounds like a lovely time, Tinwen!
 

Tinwen

Active member
Could you be autistic?

I found out, aged 30, that I might have Asperger's or some form of autism. Apparently its clinical image is different in girls than boys. Basically women mask their symptoms so well that even professionals couldn't tell until recently. Like... WTF?
This list somehow fits. I have less social difficulties... today. Not as a kid.
http://help4aspergers.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/01/List-of-Female-Asperger-Syndrome-Traits.pdf
This is an autistic psychologist. She seems just a little bit quirky, you wouldn't tell. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ixRSb00BplM

For me, it's either that or complex trauma at a very early age. Not sure what's better :) I may pursue proper differential diagnosis to see what's up with that.

It's blowing my mind and I'm putting it up here to raise awareness...
I choose the people and places where I socialize (even the online places) very carefully and looking at my social surroundings, everywhere I go there are people similar to myself... which means... some of you might recognize yourself. After all, polyamorous relationships are messy, but the theory is so... structured :D
 
Last edited:

Kajibabu

New member
Unusual with a young scientist

Hi TinWen,
I am extremely sorry to know that you are suspected to have such kind of health problem.

You may not know I always concern and care about your postings here. I am a Vedic Astrology student, if you are interested and optimistic about this knowledge, I may help you analyzing your birth chart to see the effects of different elements of universe along with their planetary combinations.

For this you have to share you actual date, time and place of birth.

Wish you all the best !
 

Tinwen

Active member
Hi TinWen,
I am extremely sorry to know that you are suspected to have such kind of health problem.

You may not know I always concern and care about your postings here. I am a Vedic Astrology student, if you are interested and optimistic about this knowledge, I may help you analyzing your birth chart to see the effects of different elements of universe along with their planetary combinations.

For this you have to share you actual date, time and place of birth.

Wish you all the best !
Yeah, thanks, but I don't know my time of birth :)

I don't ever regard this as a health problem (certainly not a new one!), it's just a slightly different label putting together mainly my emotional instability & sensory sensitivity & occasional social naivete & obsessive interests. Suggesting there might be a component of genetic diversity to it.

Unusual for scientists it's certainly not! :D
 
Last edited:

icesong

Member
Late diagnosis is so very much a thing - I didn’t get my ADHD dx until I was 26. My meta (Joan) has her autism spectrum dx much earlier though.
 

Tinwen

Active member
Late diagnosis is so very much a thing - I didn’t get my ADHD dx until I was 26. My meta (Joan) has her autism spectrum dx much earlier though.
Did it help you in any way to get a diagnosis?
 

icesong

Member
A lot, actually. I was a very... academically successful child and floundered in college and at jobs after dropping out of college. Having a reason for that other than "i'm just lazy" was pretty amazing. It'd probably help more if I could bring myself to actually try ADHD drugs - I never have - but at least it's a thing that I can say "ok, this is how my brain works, how do I structure my life to take the best advantage of that"?
 

Tinwen

Active member
I found out, aged 30, that I might have Asperger's or some form of autism.
... or maybe I'm just trying to explain away a lifetime of feeling like I don't belong. Just had a bit of an emotional release. I don't know whats true or likely any more, oh well.
 

icesong

Member
I mean the whole thing about any sort of autism spectrum (or ADHD spectrum) dx is that it's just more info about how your brain works - it's not (IMO) a *disease* or a *disorder*, just one of the many ways that people can work. And if you've always been around people whose brains work differently, well, that's a reason to feel like you've not quite belonged. Doesn't mean figuring this stuff out is trying to "explain things away".
 
I was diagnosed with Asperger's (back when ASD was a collection of different Spectrum diagnoses) on my way out of college, almost ten years ago. All Autism Spectrum conditions had (and still have) many negative connotations, so I was like "no, not me, crowbar separation please." It was only after I engaged with the community and started meeting others like me that everything in my life so far made sense. I've been a low-key advocate ever since.

Women have historically been underdiagnosed, because a lot of the outward symptoms and satellite traits of high-functioning ASD have long been considered more socially acceptable and expected of women (thanks, patriarchy :rolleyes: ). It's always good to know and have an idea, so you can better prepare yourself to work with and around your challenges going forward.
 

Tinwen

Active member
I mean the whole thing about any sort of autism spectrum (or ADHD spectrum) dx is that it's just more info about how your brain works - it's not (IMO) a *disease* or a *disorder*, just one of the many ways that people can work. And if you've always been around people whose brains work differently, well, that's a reason to feel like you've not quite belonged. Doesn't mean figuring this stuff out is trying to "explain things away".

I was diagnosed with Asperger's (back when ASD was a collection of different Spectrum diagnoses) on my way out of college, almost ten years ago. All Autism Spectrum conditions had (and still have) many negative connotations, so I was like "no, not me, crowbar separation please." It was only after I engaged with the community and started meeting others like me that everything in my life so far made sense. I've been a low-key advocate ever since.

Women have historically been underdiagnosed, because a lot of the outward symptoms and satellite traits of high-functioning ASD have long been considered more socially acceptable and expected of women (thanks, patriarchy :rolleyes: ). It's always good to know and have an idea, so you can better prepare yourself to work with and around your challenges going forward.
Thank you so much.

I might be on the spectrum or not, but I won't try to find out. While American speakers on youtube are all about neurodiversity, I found out that over here you're not allowed to drive once diagnosed with autism. Tadadadam.

(They might change that law soon enough. Also, I don't drive. But I might want to, and while there were times of my life where I didn't feel able to for mental health reasons, I hope that's in the past. )

That probably means autism is diagnosed only in seriously disabling cases anyway. Which also means there's much more stigma. As things are, it's better to stay away from psychiatric diagnosis.

I still wonder.

What I know:
- I used to have trouble understanding relationships and social interaction as a kid. I didn't understand what a friendship was till age 13 or later. But I'm mostly good now. I can even facilitate a group. I pass as normal with some embarrassment sprinkled in here and there. Also, I'm no hermit, I need people.
- I don't remember feeling emotions in my teens, I feel a lot today, probably somewhat too much (to the point of being diagnosed with "cyclothymia" or some other label for instability)
- I have mild sensory issues, esp. with sound, I avoid loud concerts, movies, some pubs. I'm a picky eater and can't seem to be able to change that. I'm very sensitive to, and seek, touch. I'm also very sensitive to psychiatric drugs, alcohol and substances in general.
- I'm easily overwhelmed by demands of life (decision-making, communication with authorities, emotional processing, obligations). I've improved a lot, but some anxieties just won't go, and overwhelming situations happen every other week or so.
- Somehow it seems hard to be employed full-time, I can't keep up 8 hours a day. When I try, I end up exhausted.

I don't really seem to have the "lacking mimics" and the "taking things literary" symptoms of autism, not too much anyway. I also seem fine with empathy and intuiting context - after years of therapy. It followed naturally from opening up to my emotions, and less naturally after lots of observation and study.

After learning about autism, I see strong parallels between my "emotional instability" and "sensory issues": Some people are much more sensitive to sound or light, I'm much more sensitive to the internal stimuli of emotions, they take my attention and they take time to process.

So, am I on the spectrum? Who knows. I feel 'different' but maybe not 'different in a typical enough way' to check the boxes. And maybe also ... just 'different within the norm'.
 
Last edited:
You definitely seem Spectrum based on that description. A lot of those are classic traits.

Everybody manifests a little differently. But it starts out as sensory overload and processing delays, which then impares natural social learning depending on the severity. We can be social, learn social rules, and even enjoy it, but because it's a trained skill it can be tiring unless you're just that naturally an extrovert (which is rare on the Spectrum but I've met a few).

There are a lot of cultural myths about the nature of the Autism Spectrum. Feel free to message me with any questions - not only am I Spectrum, I've worked with others for many years and one of my old jobs was as a mentor/job coach for high-functioning ASD.(I did so well in the program they asked me back on staff; sadly we ran out of funding, but I still have that experience)
 

Tinwen

Active member
Stuff happened, and I need to decide on my goals for 2020 ... today. Why today? I've been successful at a tournament, and it's very likely I'll be invited as a second representant of my country to play at the world amateur female go championship in Japan, and they want the application until January 5th. It means paying for my flight tickets and using up at least 7 days of my vacation allowance (or rather 12, if I want to spend one more week travelling Japan), and spending a week in Tokio playing go.

Sounds good.

Except, I've been also thinking about a training in facilitating groups, which would probably be on week-days.
And of course, I also need some outdoor vacation. Oh, and didn't I want to spend a week doing shibari? Well, something has to go...

And Idealist has no idea if he wants to come with me and spend a vacation in Japan. Yeah, we love shibari and would love to see the Japanese roots, but we have no idea if we can see any as tourists.

Thinking, feeling, planing time!
 
Last edited:

Evie

Active member
Congratulations on your tournament win! Whatever you decide, it will be the right thing :)
 

Tinwen

Active member
Congratulations on your tournament win! Whatever you decide, it will be the right thing :)
Thanks :) I was second actually, and it's not quite certain they will invite two people from each country. I just learned the female amateur go championship is not every year (maybe it's even a one-time thing due to the Olympic games being in Tokio), so I guess that makes it unique enough for me not to want to miss out :)) I'll probably be like the weakest player there, but I can take that as an advantage, no pressure to win either, I can only do well :D
 
Last edited:
Top