The journey to myself

icesong

Member
I can sometimes enjoy playing with others. Trouble is, I feel quite polysaturated at one. I don't have the bandwidth, either time and energy-wise, nor emotionally, to have two romantic relationships of this intensity. I could kinda love another person (I see where poly comes from), but I still seem to be mostly monogamous in my focus.

So from what you’ve written I suspect you _could_ be not polysaturated at one IF you didn’t have a challenging school environment. I’ve recently found it worthwhile to consider my saturation more in terms of life saturation - kid and parents and school and work and friends and partners all sort of assigned a level of life energy, and if one decreases there’s room for others...
 

Tinwen

Active member
So from what you’ve written I suspect you _could_ be not polysaturated at one IF you didn’t have a challenging school environment. I’ve recently found it worthwhile to consider my saturation more in terms of life saturation - kid and parents and school and work and friends and partners all sort of assigned a level of life energy, and if one decreases there’s room for others...
Yes, I think my life is very saturated. If my HEALTH especially was better, I suspect I could have another relationship. It kinda worked with Friend for a few weeks. Still probably not at a primary level of involvement. I'm not sure how that would work emotionally. I'm just not seeing it.
(Unless we de-escalate with Idealist. Which I'm also not seeing. I don't think he would be interested in being secondary.)
 

Tinwen

Active member
Also, I did something a little silly: I applied for an internship in science journalism in the country's most prestigious TV. I'm not sure if I'd actually want to do that job (possibly???), but I was compelled to try. They already invited me for an interview, which, well, adds pressure, since they ask me to prepare some sample work :rolleyes: But if I don't do it, well, I've just missed a chance for an adventure.
Ok, that was a little weird. I went for the job interview, and they had a lot of silly informal questions (like what Tolkien character I would choose to be), some practical ones (like explain gravitational waves), and then those classic ones like "tell me about your strong and weak sides" which I could have expected, but somehow didn't and was woefully unprepared for :eek: And I'm not the fastest to find a quick answer on the spot, so... more than a little weird actually :rolleyes: I guess the work I sent in was ok more or less, but I don't expect them to choose me. Welcome to the real world of non-academic job interviews :D
 

Magdlyn

Well-known member
Yes, I think my life is very saturated. If my HEALTH especially was better, I suspect I could have another relationship. It kinda worked with Friend for a few weeks. Still probably not at a primary level of involvement. I'm not sure how that would work emotionally. I'm just not seeing it.
(Unless we de-escalate with Idealist. Which I'm also not seeing. I don't think he would be interested in being secondary.)

Without going all hierarchy... Idealist is going to be extra busy with the baby in the coming year or two. Even if you live closer, he might be distracted. I may not be like everyone, but it happened for me, and it's quite common, that when my babies came, with each one I'd "fall in love," and have that NRE for the new adorable fresh growing changing new person I'd grown.

So, who knows? Once this part of academia gets settled you might have spoons for another relationship after all. Never say never, right?
 

Tinwen

Active member
I'm just so unbelievably anxious. It's like I'm not even afraid that I'll fail the exam. I may or may not. It's rather that I'm painfully aware of all the things I didn't learn, so... I'm afraid of the embarrassment ... and in my mind I have already failed, and I'm afraid of exposing that.

I looked into the imposter syndrome, well, I don't quite feel like a "fraud". So I don't relate. I am where I am, because I did do stuff. I never lied to anyone about my success and competence or lack thereof.

But I do feel less competent than some of my classmates. And I do feel like the people around me have higher expectations from me then what I can meet. So maybe that's a commonality.
 

Tinwen

Active member
I'm just so unbelievably anxious. It's like I'm not even afraid that I'll fail the exam. I may or may not. It's rather that I'm painfully aware of all the things I didn't learn, so... I'm afraid of the embarrassment ... and in my mind I have already failed, and I'm afraid of exposing that.
12 hours to go

Today's anxiety is a little more "healthy", if there is such a thing. I didn't manage to do what I wanted to do last minute, so... now I'm genuinely afraid to fail. No doubt that would be shitty (I try not to wonder too much if that would be the final blow to my physics career, or if I'd try to repeat it and go on). But it doesn't feel like dying. The weekend's anxiety felt like dying.

Ugh.
 

Tinwen

Active member
Okey, I did it :)
Well enough in my book. I was slightly less horrible than the final exam of my Master's.
I'm relieved - happy - and exhausted.
Yai :)
Sending love to the forum.
 
Okey, I did it :)
Well enough in my book. I was slightly less horrible than the final exam of my Master's.
I'm relieved - happy - and exhausted.
Yai :)
Sending love to the forum.

Yay!!! Congrats on getting through it!
 

Leetah

Member
Yay!! Here's to survivng in academia! After you get lots of sleep I hope you get some celebrating in.

Leetah
 

Tinwen

Active member
The baby is being born, almost two months early. Meta is having C-section ... right now.

I just so hope they are well.
 

Tinwen

Active member
It's a boy, breathing and crying.

So it starts, the changes.

I'm curious. I'm not freaked out, since luckily, I have some free time on my hands right now. (I think I mostly freak out if there's no time to deal with things.) I'm returning from two weeks of conference & vacations in Izrael, and - back in December - I've negotiated another two weeks to catch my breath and build my reserves. So I "just" have to move for the next two weeks, and I'll have time to go visit the baby and see what's happening in our little polycule world. Still nervous though, sure, my stomach clenched down yesterday evening when I learned this might happen, and it loosened just a little since.

None of us expected the baby to be born so early, or at least for me, it's a complete surprise. (Oh well, I'm kinda uneducated on risk pregnancy :eek:) Meta will likely be in hospital for another two months.

Idealist IS freaking out a little bit, I think, although it masks as frustration.

It's just ... wow.
 

icesong

Member
None of us expected the baby to be born so early, or at least for me, it's a complete surprise. (Oh well, I'm kinda uneducated on risk pregnancy :eek:) Meta will likely be in hospital for another two months.

Is it that the baby will be in hospital for a few months and meta will be there with him? (typical for a kid born a couple months early, but if meta was going to be in hospital for her own issues that's a ... lot... I mean no one I know with a csection including myself has been in the hospital for more than a couple days)
 

Tinwen

Active member
They (the hospital staff) wouldn't let me see the baby. I understand, I didn't push, but sure I was disappointed.

Reminds me fast that there is no societally sanctioned role for what I am for the baby. Not even in polyamorous circles there's a word for it.

We should invent one.
 

FallenAngelina

Active member
They (the hospital staff) wouldn't let me see the baby.

As more and more hospitals recognize that families come in many forms, they are allowing patients to opt for visitor lists. Rather than vetting by family association, some hospital staff now check whether a person is on the list of pre-approved visitors. Does this hospital have such a policy in place, perhaps?
 

SEASONEDpolyAgain

Active member
As more and more hospitals recognize that families come in many forms, they are allowing patients to opt for visitor lists. Rather than vetting by family association, some hospital staff now check whether a person is on the list of pre-approved visitors. Does this hospital have such a policy in place, perhaps?

It's so weird you should say this.

Last year, my niece had a car accident (she was pregnant and partner also in car). The baby had to be born in an emergency section. She was 36 weeks and baby went to the NICU. Her partner had a broken pelvis, she was recovering - she wanted family with the baby (who was fine). Nurse told us about a visitor list. We took shifts.

Fast forward a year later and a friend's daughter has a baby at the same hospital who needed NICU care (also slightly premature) and they've completely denied ever having anything other than a "parents only" policy "for at least 5 years". And maybe very special circumstances were made for one case. We know this isn't true because we met other extended family doing the same as we were.

Good news is that both babies were home and thriving in no time.
 

Tinwen

Active member
As more and more hospitals recognize that families come in many forms, they are allowing patients to opt for visitor lists. Rather than vetting by family association, some hospital staff now check whether a person is on the list of pre-approved visitors. Does this hospital have such a policy in place, perhaps?
I don't know if the *in theory* could do a list, it's certainly not the way it routinely works... and in hospitals, routine is everything. ('The way things are always done' is strong in healthcare. One could even say there hasn't been much change since the communist era.)

Besides, it's a room with early born babies, so the nurse was like "The parents... and maybe the grandparents, nobody else." She was quite convincing. Even Idealist, who's usually not a follower of 'the way that things are always done', did not stand up for me.

Whether we should try to negotiate for me is unclear. I'm not a parent. And Meta is probably terrified of coming out.
 

Vicki82

Member
I'm glad to hear that everything is okay. Or hopefully, since 6 weeks isn't so early that they'd normally expect a baby to stay the whole time.

I hope that the adjustments to the changes with becoming a parent aren't too hard on Idealist and your Meta, and that you are all able to find a happy way to keep things working for everyone.
 

PinkPig

Member
Do they have a window at the NICU? Both my boys were in the NICU years ago, and both had the same policy of only parents and grandparents in the NICU, no exceptions. But, one had a window...the healthier or more term babies were viewed at that window...either by parents electing to have their bassinets placed there, or by parents carrying their healthier infants to the window for extended family/friends to view. The policy in both NICUs now is mother, father or mother's designated care person, and a limited number of other family members/friends, designated by and accompanied by the parents...no more than 2 visitors at a time.

((Hugs)) Tinwen. I imagine this is both an exciting and anxious time for you. I hope baby is well, and you all can settle into a routine that works for the four of you, once baby comes home.
 
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Magdlyn

Well-known member
How's it going lately, Tinwen? Almost 2 months early is a lot. But they've gotten through the first month. I hope there weren't a lot of health issues for the premie. I wonder if baby is home yet, stronger, growing. As a former lactation specialist I even wonder if the baby is receiving breastmilk. It makes all the difference with premies.

And last but not least, how has your move gone? Are you feeling any better, more rested, less stressed?
 
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