The Rare Life

Miss K comes to visit

Catfish and I are having K over for dinner tonight and we're both really looking forward to it. I'm making a chicken and we're going to have a fire and drink some wine and talk; maybe go to a show later on.

I have had some anxiety about this date but mostly because she is staying overnight as it would be silly for her to go the 2.5 hours home afterward. Mostly, though, I feel really good doing everything I can to make her feel welcome in our home, and I am looking forward to the chance for us to all normalize a bit with each other- to finally all be physically in a room together, comfortable and hopefully able to talk face-to-face about things.

K's friend died yesterday, unfortunately, so I want to hug her even more than I did before, which was a lot.

C and I are doing great telling each other what our feelings are regarding K and I'm really proud of us- I feel really privileged to be in his life, and to have such a beautiful love connection with him that has allowed us to get to this point with each other. We are totally agreed that K is someone we want in our family, however that may play out, and we are both excited to get to spend some time with her, try to make her laugh, hug the crap out of her, and just enjoy ourselves.

Yes, I'm nervous, but I suspect that will all fade away when she walks in the door.

The biggest victory I'm feeling right now is that I'm not so afraid of myself, because I know I've said everything that's on my heart to C, and I know that K is not my rival. I am realizing that the fear of my reaction to any one of the infinite possibilities of situations I could dream up and worry over comes from a feeling of not being understood or valued. I feel very loved and valued today, and I have made sure that I am understood by C, so the fear has no hold on me. I am not afraid at all, I just feel open- open heart, open arms, open mind. I am safe and I have taken responsibility for getting to this safe place. It's cold outside but it's warm in my home today.
 
Have fun!

It sounds like everyone may have some nervousness in such a situation. Good for you for discussing all of your feelings with C. I admit that I often feel like my boyfriend's prospects are competition to me. It sounds like you took your fear and explored it and now understand it. You are a brave woman, you will reap the benefits.
 
Rarechild said:
The biggest victory I'm feeling right now is that I'm not so afraid of myself, because I know I've said everything that's on my heart to C,
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This is great Rarechild :) You guys are inspiring. Take care

Peace and Love
Mono
 
All I want to do is swear right now

The first twenty-six hours were not without challenges, but I was so proud of myself and my husband and valuable, wonderful things were happening. It was hour twenty-seven when everything got fucked up.

I am sad and hurt and can't wait to be able to sleep on it and hopefully feel better tomorrow. Right now I can't sleep and can't cuddle into my husband who is sleeping soundly next to me, because it makes me cry again.
 
Oh Rarechild, I am sorry to hear this :( Get some rest, regroup and feel free to call on Redpepper, Polynerdist and myself at any time through any medium.

Take care
Mono
 
Hopefully you've managed to get to sleep, and hopefully you'll wake up with a bit more distance from yesterday. And then hopefully mutually beneficial resolutions will blossom from the roots that you both have been so dutifully spreading out.
 
Thanks

Thanks for the kind words. I feel the love. I'll write more later when I get my head on straight.
 
Holding you all in warm thoughts and wishes .... Betting it all works out in the direction of dazzling goodness.

Exhuasted, myself. (Not much sleep last night.) But wanting to announce my own new love: eight plus acres south thirty miles .... Potential small community land. Land with bald eagle and bosque (look it up) a short walk away ... sandhill cranes, earthworms, a river .... Cottonwood tree hugged me back and silently welcomed me to the neighborhood.

Feeling and thinking into this fear we all have about any sort of love. Peeling back to where the love is, regardless of fear. Knowing that as the true root and branches of love.
 
How am I not myself?

thanks all for being supportive. River- your new love sounds amazing- keep us updated on that one.
 
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Rarechild said:
I am definitely lost here.
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I can't even come up with the words to express myself in this. I feel for you and C. Never doubt that you are both incredibly strong, stronger than I could be in that journey.

Take care Rarechild
 
Rare-Fish,

So you've learned that this is powerful magic, and maybe a little dangerous. Good. But don't give up on each other, or her. That's my suggestion. Instead, hold -- as much as possible -- a place of warmth, love, tenderness, and forgiveness toward firstly each of yourselves, then toward each of the others--the three of you.

Forgiveness doesn't mean you become a door mat. It means you keep your hearts open and you keep the communication open -- but in light of the liberty of forgiveness and open-heartedness.

Next time, I'm sure, you won't invite the powerful magic of alcohol, at least not in large doeses, into the other powerful magic you're experimenting with.

You're going to do fine. You're all good--albeit, imperfect--human beings, each worthy of love and forgiveness toward one another and toward (especially) yourselves. Good lovers are firstly good friends. Keep that in mind over the next several days. This is a time to deepen and cultivate your friendship. And if and when you all get naked with each other again (or whatever), do so sober -- if drunk on the healing balm of your love.
 
You sent me your post in a PM and I replied there, but I wanted to send you a huge hug and wanted to tell you that I am sending you my love and support anytime you need it and as always.

:)
 
After some time to get my heart in order

I will try to make this brief, as I have plans to hole up in the studio today on my second snow-day from classes.

First of all thanks to everyone who inquired privately as to what was going on and offered help and support.

Catfish and I are fine. We are identifying where we took a wrong turn and have almost exhausted ourselves exploring why and what happens next (or rather I may have exhausted him:).

The situation that upset me had a few components, and looking at them with a week's distance the most striking thing to me about the fact that boundaries were crossed (mine and turns out K's!) is that I did not have more courage to voice my own or follow them. I feel terrible that this has created turmoil where there was such hope in all of us that this would be such a lovely thing. But it's not realistic to expect a good outcome when you've not done the work to get yourself in a solid place. I am working on forgiving myself for this, which has been more difficult than forgiving the others. C and I are at the point of re-evaluation of what we are truly open to, and I think we've made progress, though there is still lots of work ahead and we will have to just live it and figure it out as we go as best as we can. We certainly will not force anything.

River, I've been thinking about what you said about powerful majic, and you are right on. If I do say so myself, all of us three are quite beautiful, and for my part as well as C's- we got caught up in the rush of that and blundered. Not such a horrible crime but I am now conscious of how eager I am to have a relationship with a woman again that I can be reckless with my heart.

So, I am having a relationship with her. I am being her friend and being honest even about the things I'm not proud of. I am not shutting her out or ignoring her- in fact we have connected in a very special way as we are both writers and find a stimulating challenge in expressing with words things we've never been able to pin down about ourselves. The polite "What's going on with this or that, if you don't mind me asking" is turning into something much more real and we find we have a great capacity to understand one another. For my part, she has become so much less an element of a concept blurred by second guesses and long-held desires, and I am finding out who she really is. (learning lots about who I am at the same time)

As to me and C, we are back to kind and loving (we were the whole time, as well as we know how which is pretty amazing), but I know the big questions this situation has brought up will still take some work to resolve. Right now we are trying to leave it alone for a few days and I look forward to the work and the restoration of unburdened joy I know will be a result.

-R
 
Just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing your experiences, I'm very new to the forum and finding out just how new I really am to polyamory as well. Just soaking up more great info than I ever expected to find! Your story has shone a light on some of my mistakes in the past, and how I can do better. Hope to hear more good things about you, C and K. Thanks again! :):):)
 
In Kalamazoo, we've been lucky enough to have some sunshine the last few days, and the snow has receded for a minute again. We have had a good supply of firewood this year given to us by various folks, and so many times as I read through posts on here I am stoking the flames. I am a total pyromaniac and a blacksmith without a forge, so this is important to me. :)

Catfish and I have been going through some lean times financially, but are much in love and bonding all the time by putting our shoulders to the boulder so to speak, side by side, and finding joy in working together on the very same issues that have driven us apart in the past.

I am realizing the beauty of the truth in all areas of my life. The truth about our dreams is the most tantalizing-the possibilities of bliss and accomplishment. I am seeing that there are many other truths to uncover in the process that can set us free and lead us to the dreams right now-the truth about our shortcomings, our grievances, resentment, human nature, financial situation, etc. Taking away the proud denial that keeps me paralyzed when I feel shame about having failed at something allows me to see how to find a solution. Taking away false pride also makes clear the things I have done right that I should be proud of, and what I am capable of doing right now that will bring happiness to myself and those I love.

My philosophy professor would call that my "capital-T Truth", or part of it at least. It does feel fundamental, the way I have seen myself change into a happier person over this last year. I have always wanted peace inside, and I can feel that now, even in the hardest times, because I trust myself. The perfectionism coupled with obsession that I've been plagued with in the past has started to transform into a healthy integrity in the things I do with passion. I forgive myself and others more. I can hardly justify self-pity, manipulation, or nastiness. I can feel my power to change my own life and the lives of others however I want to, and the power comes from earned self-worth. A little at a time.

It is amazing to me to realize that qualities I have that I have felt in the past were bad or destructive are, in fact, my strengths not yet fleshed out. I am growing into my soul as I make peace with my physical environment, and the urge to run lessens all the time.

That felt great to write. Most of the time I am on here I am reading through as many posts as possible, enjoying everything this site has to offer and all of your thoughts, and I don't get the time to reply in many threads I find really interesting. When I do write in here, it's mostly about drama,(in my life or on the site :) ) not about the big picture and what I am doing about my challenges. Thanks all for helping to build this site and for all of your contributions. I get a lot out of this site every day, and it has become a part of my personal growth, no doubt.

I am thankful to be growing, and ready for spring.
-R
 
I am thankful to be your partner. My shoulders are getting stronger everyday.
 
Watch the fuck out

I am charmed to my soul. Powerful majic comes at me in waves, like when you’re in a dream, watching it all go down, and knowing the story has been birthed from the deepest regions of your consciousness. In awe but holding steady as you watch the world change colors.

I am so loved. I have no choice but to be strong enough to mind the tension on all the hearts tied to mine with leather cord, steel wire and bright ribbon, making sure to maintain slack and not constrict the beautiful freedom of my dear ones.

I am in love many times over, conjuring patience and sunlight, setting my table for a feast.
 
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