Therapist who needs educated!

T

Therapist432

New member
Hello,
I am a therapist who is currently working with a couple. They have been married (got into the marriage with the intent that it would be monogamous) for 2 years. The wife has discovered that she is polyamorous and would like to live this lifestyle with her husband. They have found that through this journey they have become emotionally disconnected and the husband is unsure if he wants to be in a polyamorous relationship, however, he loves his wife and does not want her to live a life where she does not feel that she can be herself.

I know VERY little about the polyamorous lifestyle! I would like feedback from the community about this lifestyle and relationship choice to allow me to have a better understanding of the community and where the wife is coming from. I would also like to know if anyone has had a similar situation to this and know what helped them work through it. How can be supportive of both the wife and husband through this journey? What are common issues that arise in this type of relationship?

Any help or guidance is greatly appreciated!
 
Feel free to read around the forum and use the advanced search to find the type of anecdotes you're looking for. We also have this section https://polyamory.com/forums/golden-nuggets.26/ which is a plethora of resources that may seem like they haven't been updated in a while, but that's because they have been very useful and haven't really gone out of date. I suggest that you try reading what has already been written and then you'll be better equipped to ask more nuanced and focused questions, as polyamory is never one-size-fits-all and what works for some people might not always be the best advice to recommend for others.

Polyamory is not a "lifestyle" but rather an approach to relationships, and some people consider it part of their identity like being gay or transgender. Perhaps your couple has polyamory confused with swinging, which is often euphemized as "the lifestyle" and involves casual sex only, usually done as an activity by couples together. We don't know what your client means by "discovering" polyamory and wanting to "live the lifestyle."

One thing that does stand out about your post is this:

they have become emotionally disconnected and the husband is unsure if he wants to be in a polyamorous relationship,
Click to expand...

There is a saying called "relationship broken, add more people" which means that starting new relationships is not going to fix whatever is wrong or missing from the existing one and will instead magnify and cracks and deficiencies that already exist. It isn't fair to use other people as band-aids for lack of compatibility.

I'm afraid you'll need to provide more specifics if you want to receive more than the most generic advice.
 
Hi,

Kudos for not being judgmental and coming here instead! You've found a good place if you have the time to read around. Hundreds, thousands of similar stories.

We've got a collection of links here, and I see there's even something specifically aimed at therapists:

However, IMHO, if you are completely new to the topic, and the couple just sought you out, they might benefit from being referred to someone more knowledgeable. You will not be able to learn as quickly as life presses them to learn. There are several value-shifts to make. The wife, presuming she really wants a polyamorous lifestyle and has already read some stuff and met people doing it, might end up explaining the basics to you while they are amidst emotional turbulence.

Also, you will find it hard to ask here without exposing your clients' story, so having supervision with a poly-friendly colleague would be the more appropriate place to go.

That being said, you can still be helpful even without prior knowledge, if you can uphold the attitude that both viewpoints are equally valid (nothing new in your line of work, eh?). Your own (presumably) monogamous biases out of the way, it's helping the people involved find their own personalized solution, as usual.
 
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Hello Therapist432,
Here's a few things that might get you started.
  • Poly FAQ
  • Loving More FAQ
  • "What Psychology Professionals Should Know about Polyamory," a 36-page booklet by Geri Weitzman, Ph.D., Joy Davidson, Ph.D., and Robert A. Phillips, Jr., Ph.D.
Hopefully that helps.
Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Therapist432 said:
How can be supportive of both the wife and husband through this journey?
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In my opinion, you might not be able to feel like a support to both people. This might be better handled by them having individual therapists who help them explore their needs, desires and boundaries.

If they're doing that, and you're just facilitating communicating of those things between them, then do that. Perhaps in that instance, your priority shouldn't be to feel like you are supportive of either party. You're a channel of communication. It may disrupt things if they have conflicting needs and you seem like you're "more supportive" of the one side.
 
New Relationship Energy usually lasts 6-24 months. I note their marriage is at the 2-year mark. The newlywed "pink fluffy clouds" have worn off and reality has hit.

I don't know if it helps you any, but I think this--
  • Be honest with your clients that they are going outside your experience.
  • Be honest that you are willing to continue to work with them, or with one or the other, or with an additional poly-knowledgeable counselor.
  • Be honest that you are also willing to refer them (if you know people), or are willing to end the counseling relationship, because this is as far as you can take them at this time.

Be honest with them about this, too. You'd have to do it within the confines of your professional boundaries, but in plain English, sometimes the couples are approaching this as some kind of last ditch "Hail Mary" desperation effort to avoid a breakup. When really, breaking up is the healthiest option. Your role here may be more about helping them through that grief and arriving at the acceptance that they are no longer compatible and are best broken up, rather than either one bending into pretzels.

The wife has discovered that she is polyamorous and would like to live this lifestyle with her husband.
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The wife may want to change to a poly lifestyle with her husband, but the husband didn't sign up for that when they got married. She may have to move on to poly WITHOUT him. He has every right to call that old marriage agreement done. And he doesn't have to sign up for a "new deal."

The wife may love her husband and want him to be happy, but that doesn't mean throwing herself under the bus, "going through the motions" of monogamy that she doesn't want, just to keep him happy.

The husband may love his wife and want her happy, but that doesn't mean throwing himself under the bus, "going through the motions" of polyamory that he doesn't want, just to keep her happy.

He loves his wife and does not want her to live a life where she does not feel that she can be herself.
Click to expand...

Sometimes the most loving thing to do is to LET GO, and change the relationship shape to something more sustainable, like exes and friends, if both want that. Then he can heal and move on to find someone who wants to share monogamy with him, if that's his preference. And the wife can heal and move on to find someone who wants to share polyamory with her, if that's her preference. Both can be authentic. Both can be happy.

Even if both agree to go there and explore poly, they may find that just because they were compatible for monogamy for a time, doesn't mean they are compatible for polyamory, because they might want different kinds of non-monogamy. Or even if they want the same kind, maybe they have different dating styles that clash.

So, before getting all bogged down in learning how to do poly, and figuring out if they are compatible enough for that, maybe you all read this.

www.scarleteen.com

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Feeling unhappy in or unsure about your relationship? Having problems you don’t know how to work through, or don’t even know if you should? We’ll talk you through making these choices, including how-to’s on conflict resolution and doing breakups better.
www.scarleteen.com www.scarleteen.com

And really pay attention to those bullet points.

You could point them to:

Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory

Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory
www.polyfriendly.org

if they want to find a poly experienced counselor. Mileage may vary.

You could read:


Polyamory: A Clinical Toolkit for Therapists (and Their Clients)​

by Martha Kauppi author of Polyamory: A Clinical Toolkit for Therapists (and Their Clients) LMFT CST-S


MORE BOOKS


Books for you and possibly your clients. I find Labriola's writing very accessible.

Love In Abundance: A Counselor's Advice on Open Relationships​

by Kathy Labriola

The Jealousy Workbook: Exercises and Insights for Managing Open Relationships​

by Kathy Labriola

Polyamorous Elders: Aging in Open Relationships (Diverse Sexualities, Genders, and Relationships)​

by Kathy Labriola counselor nurse and aut

The Polyamory Breakup Book: Causes, Prevention, and Survival​

by Kathy Labriola , Lacey Johnson, et al. | Oct 4, 2019

Polysecure and The Polysecure Workbook (Bundle) (Lots of attachment theory, last third gets to some practical) ​

by Jessica Fern | Nov 25, 2022

Polywise: A Deeper Dive into Navigating Open Relationships. (I find this more practical)​

by Jessica Fern , David Cooley, et al. | Aug 25, 2023

There are many more, but I like those.


HTH!
Galagirl
 
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Therapist432 said:
I am a therapist who is currently working with a couple. They have been married (got into the marriage with the intent that it would be monogamous) for 2 years. The wife has discovered that she is polyamorous and would like to live this lifestyle with her husband. They have found that through this journey they have become emotionally disconnected and the husband is unsure if he wants to be in a polyamorous relationship. However, he loves his wife and does not want her to live a life where she does not feel that she can be herself.

I know VERY little about the polyamorous lifestyle! I would like feedback from the community about this lifestyle and relationship choice to allow me to have a better understanding of the community and where the wife is coming from. How can be supportive of both the wife and husband through this journey? What are common issues that arise in this type of relationship?
Click to expand...

The first thing I would advise you is that the term "lifestyle" is not helpful, largely for two reasons:

1) It implies that this couple will be living in a completely different way than "normal" people. There isn't much different about polyamorous people's actual lives. We go to work, have friends, have hobbies, raise children, take care of elders, deal with health issues, the same as everyone else. The only thing different is that our dating lives might be more complex.

2) The term "lifestyle" creates confusion because it is conflated with the swinging community and/or the kink community and/or threesomes/group sex stuff. "The lifestyle" used to be (maybe still is?) code for couples involved in swinging (having recreational sex as a couple with other couples). The term "alternative lifestyle" generally refers to people heavily involved in kink, so it has connotations that group sex or kinky sex is going to be happening. Polyamorous people definitely don't all have threesomes.

So the description that the wife wants to "live that lifestyle with her husband" doesn't clarify what the wife actually wants. Does she want to explores sex outside the marriage WITH her husband, as in swinging? Or does she simply want to go on dates with other people, with the consent of her husband?

There are so many forms that ethical non-monogamy can take. Polyamory is one of those forms, and there are many shapes polyamorous relationships can take. For example, the husband could decide that he's personally monogamous and doesn't want to date others himself, but that he is comfortable with his wife dating other people. He doesn't have to be involved in her polyamorous relationships.
 
I don't see a problem with the word "lifestyle". If someone chooses city vs. country living, it's a lifestyle choice. If someone is very physically active, we could say they've got a sporty lifestyle. All those people's lives are "normal"... so, IMHO, if someone chooses to see multiple people, perhaps not sleep every night in the same bed, that's definitely a lifestyle choice too. For all we know the client might have used that word.
So it's just the confusion with swinging, plus the fact that polyamory can't be normed into one single "the lifestyle".

As usual, GalaGirl rocks.

@Therapist432 Let us know whether your questions have been answered.
 
Tinwen said:
I don't see a problem with the word "lifestyle". If someone chooses city vs. country living, it's a lifestyle choice. If someone is very physically active, we could say they've got a sporty lifestyle. All those people's lives are "normal"... so, IMHO, if someone chooses to see multiple people, perhaps not sleep every night in the same bed, that's definitely a lifestyle choice too. For all we know the client might have used that word.
So it's just the confusion with swinging, plus the fact that polyamory can't be normed into one single "the lifestyle".
Click to expand...

I can see your point, but I strongly disagree on this. Especially in the context of therapy. Calling polyamory a "lifestyle" is needlessly othering.

It sounds judgmental when people who are NOT polyamorous themselves say things like "She's choosing to live that lifestyle" or "I'm not familiar with that lifestyle." I have definitely heard that phrasing from therapists who are puzzled by polyamory but are trying hard to be polite about it.

"Lifestyle" in this context is also too vague to provide the clarity needed for therapy. It's not an athletic lifestyle or a country lifestyle, which anyone can picture what that means, it's just "that lifestyle," which sounds like the therapist doesn't even know how to begin to describe what her clients are actually doing.

The members of the couple themselves may not know exactly what they want or have the right labels yet. But I don't think it will help them to have a therapist framing things as a "lifestyle." "How do you feel about your wife wanting to live that lifestyle?" is going to be too vague a question.

But your specifics, Tinwen, are helpful. Polyamory might mean several specific things, like not always sleeping at home with your nesting partner. "How do you feel about your wife not always sleeping in your bed?" might be a helpful therapy question. For example.
 
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Is there a gay lifestyle? Is there a straight lifestyle? Is there a couch-potato lifestyle?
 
There's definitely a couch potato lifestyle! :D

@MeeraReed Ok, I see how this could be presented the wrong way in therapy.
 
I think the term "lifestyle" was newly coined in the 1960s-70s when swinging became more popular. So swingers co-opted the phrase as a euphemism at that time, and it stuck.

Polyamory is a newer dating/loving concept, and we don't need no stinking euphemisms.
 
Tinwen said:
There's definitely a couch potato lifestyle! :D
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Soon all the straight-white-male couch potatoes will be demanding to be included under the LGBTQIA+ umbrella and can they have a float in the next Pride event. Inclusivity FTW :rolleyes:
 
Is derailing every thread where the OP foolishly deployed the word "lifestyle" into an argument about the semantics of the word "lifestyle" a lifestyle? :rolleyes:
 
Thinking more about this...learning to frame polyamory as a "relationship structure" rather than a "lifestyle" was extremely helpful for me when I was starting out as poly and my own therapist told me she couldn't help me because she was "wasn't familiar with that lifestyle."

I wasn't able to articulate to her what I meant and I didn't continue therapy with her. Luckily, I found this forum at the time!

The biggest advice I would give to newbie poly people, therapists, or anyone struggling to understand a polyamorous person in their lives is that it's a relationship structure. Just a relationship structure.
 
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