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polynewb

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I am very new to poly. We've met twice. Amazing energy. He has a main nesting partner & family. Has just two jobs. Resigned from 1. Now adjusting. The turn-around time with texting has increased. I get anxious. He is aware. How should l respond? I want more time with him.
 
Hi polynewb, welcome!
polynewb said:
I am very new to poly. Weve met twice.
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This seems very early stages. What research have you and your partner done about ENM/Poly?
Usually people read "Opening Up" and "Polysecure" before dating. There are also some sources in the Golden Nuggets section.
polynewb said:
He has main nesting partner & family. Has just two jobs. Resigned from 1. Now adjusting.
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Seems a shift in dynamic.
polynewb said:
The turn around time with texting has increased. I get anxious. He is aware. How should l respond. I want more time with him.
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Usually when one resigns from another job, one has more time. Have you asked for more time? And did he explain why he can or can't give it to you? Is he doing it to spend more time with family?

Does his partner know you are dating, or does he have a DADT in order and texting has therefore decreased? Other reasons? How much experience does he have with ENM/poly?
 
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Thankyou. What's ENM/poly? He had plans to drop one job, looking at polyfidelity?

What's DADT?

He has no experience with poly accept with this current partner. He would focus on me & she is looking for someone. She does know about me, I've spoken to her briefly.

He said this: we limit it to one partner each, outside of each other to ensure we pay proper attention to the people we adore. We don't talk about private things unless we are allowed to by the other partner. Trust is important, especially in our type of relationship.
 
His last day of work with his first job is next week. But he has taken on shift work in community support. Feeling lost.
 
polynewb said:
Whats ENM/poly?
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Ethical non-monogamy/polyamory.
polynewb said:
He would focus on me & she is looking for someone. She does know about me. I spoken to her briefly.
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Great if you want to do polyfidelity.
polynewb said:
We limit it to one partner each outside of each other, to ensure we pay proper attention to the people we adore. We don't talk about private things unless we are allowed to by the other partner. Trust is important, especially in our type of relationship.
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Sounds great if he wants that, but is he able to give it to you right now?
polynewb said:
His last day of work with his first job is next week. But he has taken on shift work in community support. Feeling lost.
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Is he the one feeling lost? He seems to be juggling A LOT right now. Opening up, resigning from job, kids, partner, dating. A bit of an unstable blueprint to work from to start dating someone new. Does he have emotional bandwidth to tend to you right now?
 
I was wondering that,, and didn't feel brave enough to ask, but l am not neglecting my needs as l have in the past. The adjustment should have been done before he considered opening up. I am going to be asking him that question, as l want set time with him. Thank you for setting me on the right track. Feel less lost.
 
polynewb said:
I was wondering that and didnt feel brave enough to ask, but l am not neglecting my needs as l had in the past. The adjustment should have been done before he considered opening up. I am going to be asking him that question as l want set time with him. Thank you.
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Great. Communication is key.

Please check this non-relationship escalator menu to see what you want and need out of a relationship and if you are compatible.

https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/pwkdxp/v3_relationship_components_menu_last_update_for
 
polynewb said:
we limit it to one partner each outside of each other to ensure we pay proper attention to the people we adore.
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Is this what YOU want? Do you want polyfidelity, or do you also want to date someone else outside him?

If there is a clear hierarchy in place: kids, nesting partner, etc., there will be some limits on how he will be spending his time.
 
I actually don't want to date outside of him, unless l meet someone who l click with. He did say, with the new job, he & the nester were reorganising their schedules to give me proper time.
 
I'm not sure what DADT means. This was in relation to the length of turn-around time when he responded, texting.
 
polynewb said:
I actually dont want to date outside of him, unless l meet someone l click with. He did say, with the new job, he & the nester were reorganising their schedules to give me proper time.
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Then most likely you have to ask for your partner to communicate better and work on be a better hinge.
polynewb said:
I'm not sure what DADT means. This was in relation to the length of time when he responded.
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DADT means "Don't Ask, Don't Tell." It is not related to your situation, because you have been in touch with the nesting partner and she knows about you and your partner dating.
 
Well, today's question about him being a better hinge, as that was the original plan coming from him. He explained that his work load had tripled. That was the reason there was such a long delay in responding via text. I am going to put forward, perhaps a quick text or call to touch base to relieve my anxiety.
 
Good on you for advocating for yourself. Also ensure that you aren't actively interfering in his work day. But it is reasonable that he should be able to text you at least once during a break.
 
I agree, even a short call would suffice. I am unsure whether to push that point, but it's a feeling that flags, so if l want to play it completely straight it has to be mentioned. Thank you.
 
You seem to be attempting to date a polyamorous man and are looking for education and terms around the basics of polyamory. Please see our Golden Nuggets section for reading resources (books, articles, a podcast) and for archived merged threads on just about any polyamory topic you could think of.

 
Greetings polynewb,
Welcome to our forum.
  • ENM = Ethical NonMonogamy (nonmonogamy where all the participants consent to the arrangement).
  • poly = polyamory (a mutually consensual arrangement of romantic relationships involving more than two people).
  • DADT = Don't Ask, Don't Tell (an agreement to practice nonmonogamy without informing each other of what's going on).
Let your new guy know that you would like more time with him. That you get anxious when there's a long turnaround time with texting. Ask him if there's a middle ground where you and he can both be content.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Hi Kevin & Magdlyn,

Thanks. l've checked into Golden Nuggets, and read the resource regarding being a secondary. I never realised there were so many things to consider in growing a polyamory relationship.

Appreciate the welcome.

Warm regards,
Tania
 
Hey, Kevin. I had a chat with him last night about communication and asked about a quick text or call. He said he needed me to reach out and remind him to call me. With his change of scheduling and adjustments to provide me time, he says he is trying.

I've been advised to give it a month and end it. It's much easier said than done. Grateful for your advice.

Warmest regards,
Tania
 
polynewb said:
I had a chat with him last night about communication and asked about a quick text or call. He said he needed me to reach out and remind him to call me. With his change of scheduling and adjustments to provide me time, he says he is trying.
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It took me a while with my nesting partner Pixi to realize she was never going to be super reliable with texting in between dates (before we moved in together, and since, when she travels for work) because she has ADHD, and also a physical handicap that prevents an easy handling of her phone on the run. We were able to build a very healthy relationship despite this, through simple compromise. Some people are just not tied to their phones 24/7, and it's only been in the past 15 years or so that this has changed. Yet, the human race has not died out. lol
polynewb said:
I've been advised to give it a month and end it. It's much easier said than done.
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Yeah, that's ridiculous.
 
Hello Tania,

It sounds like you are keeping a dialog open with him, that's good, keep brainstorming with him on ideas that would make a good compromise. It sounds like his plate is full, he just needs reminders that you are still here and need him to reach out to you. Hang in there!

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
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