I don't like the idea that the main nester can tell me my her needs come first.
No, your metamour, the partner of your partner, wouldn't be telling you that. It would be an agreement between your bf and her. He would be the one scheduling you in a way that put her and his family first. First he'd meet their needs and wants, then yours. If he can meet your needs and satisfy you in that way, you might feel fine. But there would come a point where you couldn't get any closer or more important, or fully co-equal with his established partner, IF they are hierarchical.
l guess that's why l might be considered a secondary, as it's still early days.
Just as in monogamy, 2 dates and some texting and phone calls does not guarantee a long-term relationship. Give it time. Even monogamists don't "make things official" after only 2 dates (usually!)
He may be a perfectly lovely man, and be in NRE with you, really want to explore a relationship with you, but just not have the time, or the full consent of his partner to see you as often as he'd like.
Perhaps my perception is narrow with wanting to just be with him, as l am asking to be included in their decision-making with schedules.
I don't want to beg for scraps. He has a full household, crazy shift work. l might be left out. He says his intention is to fulfill my needs. It's been about two months. We've texted, had phone chats & seen each other twice. It doesn't look promising.
I've got stresses of my own & don't want to add any more anxiety my way.
A year to establish if he is worth long-term investment. He seems sincere.
Intention doesn't always equal action. I've been overwhelmed by words of love & devotion.
Now l have to see them played out in real life. What else can l do? At the same time, l have thought about walking away now.
It's up to you. You're there.
Here is a similar experience I had. I once had like three or four dates with a lovely man who was poly. But he got married to his poly wife just before we met. (We'd been texting a few weeks.) He had custody of one young child from his former marriage, and visitation with his two teenagers. His new wife had two young children full time. She then got pregnant with his child. Added to this, he had a full time job, played tennis (took part in tournaments), and did volunteer work. Also, he lived 40 minutes away.
Nonetheless (or because of his cool, interesting life) he was an awesome guy. We were really taken with each other. I reserved judgment until after our third date, his wife got pregnant. On our next date, I told him he needed to devote himself to her and the baby (and the other young children). I said once the baby was 6-8 months or so, I'd happily reconsider. He was hurt, but agreed to stay away. We continued texting. We were just about to resume dating (when the baby did hit that age), when the pandemic hit, and we fell out of touch. sigh... I did text him after vaxes were available, but I didn't sense much interest after all that time, so I just let him fully go.
Luckily another guy who had much more time for me (Aries, now my bf of three plus years) came along. It's all been smooth sailing, pretty much, basically just bliss.