Too New

[MeeraReed]

It seems weird to me that he's professing his love and devotion to you after only two dates.

Do things normally move that fast for you in monogamous dating?

Even with NRE (the excitement of dating a new person), it seems very fast. You two don't actually know each other well enough yet to know if either of you are going to meet the other's needs.

Keep in mind that you SHOULDN'T actually be equal to his nesting partner yet because he's only just met you. It takes time to build up a relationship.

Your plan to date Kile while also looking for a second partner of your own (who could maybe be your primary partner or nesting partner someday, if that's what you want) sounds like a good idea.

Part of the idea of polyamory is that one person shouldn't have to meet all of your needs. If he doesn't have as much time available for you as you'd like (whether due to his job, his other relationship, or other commitments), you can decide that you're okay with that and will put more energy into dating other people as well. Or, you can decide that doesn't work for you and break up with him.

 

[polynewb]

Hi, Meera & Bobbi. No, they didn't say l couldn't see others. So it's not closed. I appreciate you giving insight. I wish l did have someone else. Yes, l have been floating around on NRE, and should recognise it's not love but huge amounts of seratonin, passion and lust. I guess l can see with the limited time he can give me, he won't be able to meet my needs. In a brief conversation yesterday with Kile, he said he and his primary have decided l can see Kile once a fortnight. That's twice a month. And l wasn't included in the conversation. I know for me to make it a meaningful connection it won't be enough. Today will be a hard conversation.

Wish me well.

Looking for suggestions. I feel broken already.

 

[kdt26417]

Once a fortnight isn't very much, you need more to build a meaningful relationship with Kile. I hope this doesn't mean that you have to break up, but I fear that it does. I hope I'm wrong.

 

[polynewb]

Hi, Kevin. I am hashing it out with him today. I am not optimistic, as it seems they've already decided without talking with me. I will be brokenhearted if this ends, as l feel attached to Kile. Do you have any suggestions? I am already going to say, "Twice a month wont be enough to build a meaningful connection."

 

[kdt26417]

Yeah, it really depends on whether they are willing to give you more than twice a month. I'm sorry I can't think of any suggestions.

 

[GalaGirl]

He and his primary have decided l can see Kile once a fortnight.

Is that how Kile told you about it? "My primary and I have decided I can see you once a fortnight," makes it sounds like they are joined at the hip. And that someone else not even involved in the you + Kile dyad is the gatekeeper of how this relationship can go.

That's different than them sorting out their domestic life with the kids and whatnot and Kile saying, "I can do once a fortnight." That's Kile owning that he's a parent and has home obligations. But he is speaking for HIMSELF.

I know for me to make it a meaningful connection it wont be enough.

Then the twice a month that he can offer you is not enough. You can ask for more time or drop him.

What would be your ideal amount of time with Kile? How much time would you spend dating other people?

Today will be a hard conversation. I feel broken already.

Why will it be hard? Why broken? Are you able to articulate that?

You seem to feel things hard, like you are extra sensitive.

Could that be true?

Galagirl

 

[polynewb]

That's ok. I am concerned l may cave into the agreement, but have worked hard to sort my emotional well-being. I am partially aware of his rosters. I will offer ideas and hope there's a little flex. I feels like she may have veto.

 

[polynewb]

I am very sensitive. Maybe poly is not for me. Kile's main nester may be the gate keeper. I would like to see him at least once a week. There is a possibility of 3 times in a month. Its my conversation with Kile today. I have thought of setting up a casual hangout with another guy.

 

[GalaGirl]

Thats ok. I am concerned l may cave into the agreement but have worked hard to sort my emotional wellbeing.

You could examine that. Would it be easier NOT to cave if you sorted this over email rather than in person? What causes you to cave?

Have you asked Kile if he's given his other partner veto power?

I am very sensitive. Maybe poly is not for me.

Only you know if polyamory is or is not something you want. But if you are sensitive, you need to do your accommodation stuff. Like if you get cold easily, and are temperature sensitive, you bring a sweater or hoodie in case you need it, right?

Here, you'd have to figure out what you need. Maybe have conversations more slowly over email rather than in person, so you have time to think about it, digest it, and NOT cave from anxiety, or whatever. Or maybe you do video calls so you can be at home dressed comfortably, and not in a restaurant with noises and smells and other stimulus that might be too distracting.

It's a bummer if things don't pan out, but why would it make you feel BROKEN?

Kile's main nester may be the gate keeper. I would like to see him at least once a week. There is a possibility of 3 times in a month. Its my conversation with Kile today. I have thought of setting up a casual hangout with another guy.

I think dating more people could be good for you. Like I said, even in monogamy people don't promise to go steady from the first date. They can see what's out there first. It's the same in polyamory. You don't have to make any big promises right out of the gate.

Galagirl

 

[Magdlyn]

Keeping your dates to every other week will not allow the relationship to progress very quickly. Added to that is his preference/inability to not text all that often in between dates, either.

Generally, especially during NRE, we feel very motivated to see a new partner more often than that; generally twice a week is nice, unless it's a long-distance relationship. But satisfying LDRs often survive on lots of texting, or phone calls, or video calls, which can last an hour or two and feel like a real "date."

It seems like this couple want to keep outside relationships "casual." That's not what you want. So, you say, "Thanks, but no thanks."

It's disappointing and doesn't feel good! It's a form of rejection, and no one likes that. I don't think it matters that you are possibly "extra sensitive" or feel things "hard." Feeling sad after a rejection is pretty normal, if you ask me.

 

[Magdlyn]

I am very sensitive. Maybe poly is not for me.

Many polyamorous people are available more than twice a month.

Kile's main nester may be the gatekeeper. I would like to see him at least once a week. There is a possibility of 3 times in a month. Its my conversation with Kile today.

Whether she is or not, Kile has a busy life with kids, work, etc. You might want someone whose kids are grown, and who has more free time for dating. Yes, we can be suspicious the wife isn't really on board and is controlling him, but is there real evidence of that, or are these decisions just ones Kile has to make for practical reasons?

I have thought of setting up a casual hangout with another guy.

Sure, why not? Have fun.

 

[polynewb]

Think Kile has different priorities. He hasnt mentioned casual. But he talked about focusing on the additional partner. Though l need clarification on whether main nester can veto. He talks bout her working out their schedules? What he has discussed with me verbally seems to change with what he texts to me? She is looking for another, wants to double date.
If we fortify the dating with phone calls & texting, would that work. Otherwise l am talking to Kile today to ask that we 3 sit down to chat..
I know l have other things happening. I dont have the energy to look for someone else.

 

[Magdlyn]

I think Kile has different priorities. He hasn't mentioned casual. But he talked about focusing on the additional partner. l need clarification on whether main nester can veto. He talks about her working out their schedules? What he has discussed with me verbally seems to change with what he texts to me. She is looking for another, wants to double date.
If we fortify the dating with phone calls & texting, would that work? Otherwise l am talking to Kile today to ask that we 3 sit down to chat.

It seems to me, since I have been going back and reading old threads (from 2009-2011ish) in Golden Nuggets, that there used to be a lot more focus and intention on working things out with both your partner and your metamours, in person.

That has never sat well with me. I talk to my partner. I expect my partner to have good enough hinging skills to work out scheduling and other issues with their own OSO, and then come to me with their own decision and proposals. Not to say "My wife wants XYZ," but just to tell me, "This is what I can offer you." Just as anyone would in a mono relationship. I don't care what his wife wants or needs. I care what he wants and expects, and what I want and expect.

(I am using genders here, to reflect your case. It could be the other way around.)

Telling me "My wife says I can... or can't... do this or that," makes him seem weak and powerless, tied to her apron strings. I don't want to date a man like that. I want a man with self-respect and self-determination. He talks to his OSO, they hash it out, they negotiate, they consent to a plan. Then he tells me what he can offer.

Most of the time I don't even want to meet a metamour until my SO has been dating her for months... if then. Aries' gf is an hour and a half away. I see no need to make a "date" with her to negotiate with HER! Why would I?

I know l have other things happening. I don't have the energy to look for someone else.

But you have the energy to be pushed and pulled this way and that by this guy, and worry about how his NP is pulling his strings, etc.?

Who cares that his wife wants to "double date" (whatever that means)? It's none of your business what his NP wants. What does Kile want? What can he offer? That's all that matters.

 

[polynewb]

Thank you, Mags. Its very empowering.

Asking him what he can offer after hashing it out with his wife of three years. Ask what he wants and expects? I don't have the energy to be bounced around by Kile.

I wish l felt more empowered, but l am getting a good insight with the different members on this site.

 

[Magdlyn]

Then don't get in the bouncy castle. Tell him that when he knows what he wants, for sure, and what he can offer, to get back to you. Take, like a three week break, longer if needed. You don't need his play-by-play.

 

[polynewb]

I want once a week. Thats not alot but depending what he can give. I do have another guy called Gerald l chill & have sex with & nothing else. But l want a polyrelationship with Kile. No bouncy castle. Kile talks bout providing me proper time? So if the two a month is locked in. Gerald will be my additional?

 

[GalaGirl]

He talks about her working out their schedules.

If he likes his NP doing this time/calendar for things like his haircuts and his dental cleanings, have at it.

But he could be in charge of his time/calendar for making his dates with other people, and not put it on her, like she's his personal secretary. You are not going to enjoy going through to her just to make a simple date with Kile. Talk to Kile DIRECTLY about making plans with you.

If he overshares about his NP, you can ask him to dial that down.

Some long-term couples do a lot of "we" talk. "We think this, we like this," like they've became a CoupleBlob and forgot how to be individuals that can say "I," like, "I think this, I like this. " Is Kile one of those?

She is looking for another, wants to double date.

Why did Kile tell you this? Why do you have to care what she's looking for? You aren't dating her. She can have double dates with other people, like her friends.

• Her, Kile, her friend, the friend's dating partner.
• Her, her other dating partner, her friend, the friend's dating partner.

You don't have to agree to go on a double date with Kile, his NP, and whoever his NP is dating.

If we fortify the dating with phone calls & texting, would that work. Otherwise l am talking to Kile today to ask that we 3 sit down to chat..

Why do you three have to sit down to chat, rather than you dealing with Kile only?

He is willing to offer once every two weeks. You want once a week.

• Ask if there can be a phone or online date on the weeks you don't see each other in person.
• Ask if it can be 3x a month.
• Ask if Kile has allowed his NP veto power.
• If Kile is too up and down, and can't give you the time you'd like?
  • Drop him, because you don't have the energy to be bounced around by him.

Kile talks about providing me with proper time, so if the twice a month is locked in, Gerald will be my additional?

It's YOUR time and energy. If you want to see Kile twice a month, see Gerald for NSA casual sex, and date other people too, you can do that. You decide where you spent your time and energy. You can have whatever mix you want in your dating practice.

Be ok being in charge of your own life. It's ok for you to do that. It's YOURS.

I know l have other things happening. I don't have the energy to look for someone else.

If you decide to drop Kile, would that give you energy for your other things?

Galagirl

 

[polynewb]

Kile has offered once a fortnight? I am talking to him sometime today to ask about addressing my needs. So l will update you. Gerald is sex only. Kile feel romantic towards. So l can get romance & sex l guess. I dont have to sit down with his NP. It seems he to refer to her. So we shall see. It doesnt require much energy either way. Gerald is fine with a consistent 2 sex catchups.

 

[Magdlyn]

Kile has offered once a fortnight? I am talking to him sometime today to ask about addressing my needs.

Be firm. Ask him not to tell you personal details about his wife or their interactions. Keep it to what he can offer you, period.

Gerald is sex only.

Which can be okay, for pure NSA release.

Kile feel romantic towards. So l can get romance & sex, l guess. I dont have to sit down with his NP. It seems he to refer to her. So we shall see. It doesnt require much energy either way.

Gerald is fine with a consistent 2 sex catchups.

Do you mean sex twice a week? If it's good/great sex, and he's local, that sounds fun and easy.

If you get tired of that, if it's "not enough," you can break up with him and seek a more well-rounded relationship.

 

[polynewb]

Spoke to Kile, he is working towards once a week as he is adjusting to the 2 week cycle in his roster & it sounds like a rostering system by NP as they have household they run together so its difficult to separate them , & we will fortify the polyrelationship with regular long phone calls in between the periods l dont see him. & Gerald(sex only) that lve agreed to for it to be consistent . Thats doeable for me. It will be scheduled when l am not seeing Kile. Kile has been talking about his wife. And l didnt stop him. As often she is at home when l call him(she interacts at times, as lve allowed this to go on, l have to find a way to say l want our phone chats alone). Its a little off putting especially when he talks about things he buys her? She has been trying to organize activities for a us 3. I did push back & said no. Tempting as l get to see Kile but l am unsure if l went along it would be alright to show my affection to him whilst she was there.