Too New

The word secondary seems to say it all. But that doesn't mean l am not entitled to be treated with respect, consideration & courtesy. We shall see.
 
Ok, so he's just not that into you. Walk away.
 
You may be right. As when he had the time he gave willingly. His Words of giving me priority seemed genuine . I got sucked into the poems & romantic prose. How do you figure the level of someone being genuine. Was he just messing with my head. I do feel like crap. I am talking to him tonight.
 
He's probably not deliberately messing with your head. He may have simply been optimistic or eager at the start but it's simply all too hard.
 
You may be right. As when he had the time he gave willingly. His Words of giving me priority seemed genuine . I got sucked into the poems & romantic prose. How do you figure the level of someone being genuine. Was he just messing with my head. I do feel like crap. I am talking to him tonight.
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I think that's focussing on the wrong thing. Whether he is genuine or not about his intentions, the impact is still the same on YOU. It is still not enough to make this worthwhile and enjoyable. You don't like this:
  • There are too many moving parts.
  • He is not applying the fundamental principles of value, love & respect 100%.
  • You don't get enough time. A few hours once a week won't build a meaningful connection for you.
  • You don't feel prioritized enough.
  • You think you deserve more than what you're getting.
  • You are getting scraps and feel malnourished.
  • You are not prepared to torture yourself mentally & emotionally over this not lining up.

It's only been 3 months of dating. People are usually at their BEST at the beginning. If this is all he has to offer as his best, t's just not enough.

It's like you keep waiting for him to give you new answers, rather than you just making your own decisions based on the quality of relationship up til now. You can't base a relationship on what you WISH it was, or what it MIGHT be later. You have to deal with what you're getting right now.

I guess you could wait til end of March to decide. But honestly, I think you have enough to break up now. You could take this moving house as the start of a new chapter, and just get rid of stuff you don't use/need/want any more, including this guy.

Waiting until March just sounds like dragging it out to me. But you are the one actually there. It's your choice. You get to decide what you feel like putting up with, or not.

Galagirl
 
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It is March, so... now is the time.
 
Sadly he has neither reached out to me via phone or text. I will leave one message. And cut my losses & go.
I thank all of you on this forum for your support & kindness. I dont think l carry enough emotional resilience to be in polyamory relationship. But perhaps Kile is poor example of a healthy poly relationship.
 
Hi polynewb, I am sorry to read it turned out this way. The first is always hard without proper vetting and boundaries. There are enough healthy and good poly people out there that are compatible with you. Don't give up.
 
Now you know, don't date poly people. You want a monogamous relationship with someone who is not beholden to or seeking other partners. Again, it's ok to want someone's undivided attention. Poly isn't enough for many people. Block this dude & move on to greener pastures.
 
Hi Tania,

Thanks for that update. I am sorry things didn't work out with him, but I think you made the right decision. Now you can look for someone who will truly make you a priority. Although I can understand that you might need a rest first.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
While I'm sorry to hear about the break up, I think it is best that you made the call and got out.

Kile was too wobbly with his recent job resignation and having to stabilize his home life after that change to date you how you want to be dated. You want / need steadier dating partners than that.

Could take a dating break to work on your emotional resilience, to clarify to yourself what you seek, and to firm up your decisiveness. Because whether you are poly dating or not? Dating in general takes up time and energy. It can be fun. But it can also be a lot to sort out the compatible ones from the incompatibles.

So raise the bar, have high personal standards, and just cut the ones you can cut faster.

If dating them is not fun and they are taking up too much of your time and energy? More than you care to give? Drop them faster and move on faster. That is my suggestion to you.

They just don't make the cut for what you seek. Don't let them hang around here taking up your valuable time and energy. It's YOUR time and energy. You get to pick where you want to spend it.

GG
 
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LaminarFlow said:
Hi polynewb, I am sorry to read it turned out this way. The first is always hard without proper vetting and boundaries. There are enough healthy and good poly people out there that are compatible with you. Don't give up.
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Looking at the qualities that require a positive poly relationship from Polysecure book, we hadnt really sat down & asked why? Expectations, made assumptions, that being the fact l didnt feel l was given much priority or respect. As l didnt get any response still haunts me, silly enough to want answers? And foolishly l may still try to reach out & get closure. Dumb l know.
 
It's normal to want to know "Why did that happen like that?" and wish that Kile would actually explain.

You don't get closure from Kile. You give your own self closure by coming to final acceptance that it ended up however it ended up. You accept that you know about X parts of the puzzle. You accept you might never know about Y parts of the puzzle. You keep on living your life anyway.

It's a recent break up and it JUST happened. It's ok to take a time out to grieve.

I wonder why you call your own self names like "silly" or "foolish" or "dumb" like that though? It's like you are your own self bully.

Galagirl
 
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GalaGirl said:
It's normal to want to know "Why did that happen like that?" and wish that Kile would actually explain.

You don't get closure from Kile. You give your own self closure by coming to final acceptance that it ended up however it ended up. You accept that you know about X parts of the puzzle. You accept you might never know about Y parts of the puzzle. You keep on living your life anyway.

It's a recent break up and it JUST happened. It's ok to take a time out to grieve.

I wonder why you call your own self names like "silly" or "foolish" or "dumb" like that though? It's like you are you own self bully.

Galagirl
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I guess l can ask. Whether l get the truth or whatever comes l will have to accept. I struggle with irrational reasons why it didnt work. Most of it came down to lack of respect, prioritising & communication. Ive had issues with self blame, some relating to child abuse. I am working my way out of it. Appreciate your thoughts. Listening to Jessica Fern does give me hope regarding healthy positive relationships. My conclusion is l am not built for Polyamory. Too many moving parts in my emotional attachment style.
 
My conclusion is l am not built for Polyamory. Too many moving parts in my emotional attachment style.
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There's nothing wrong with wanting healthy monogamy.

Even if Kile had been single and seeking monogamy... he just had too much going on with the job changes and was not communicating in the way you like. Just not compatible.

GG
 
kdt26417 said:
Hello Tania,

It sounds like you are keeping a dialog open with him, that's good, keep brainstorming with him on ideas that would make a good compromise. It sounds like his plate is full, he just needs reminders that you are still here and need him to reach out to you. Hang in there!

Regards,
Kevin T.
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Hey Kevin,
Recent update . I dont think l was needy or demanding but Kile has gone silent on communication, up to 4 days, l resorted to calling him on a public phone, l got through. Said he would call. But didnt. I dont think l will get an explanation. We had one meetup over a week ago. I had a chance to ask more questions but with a few hrs together l didnt but after that night he went icognito. I did try several times to connect. Alas nothing. I feel very hurt. So l guess it. He wasnt willing to explain. Time to move forward & find someone who can really give me time not just in words but actions. 😪
 
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