Transitioning from monogamy to polyamory

C

chibiwhale

New member
Hi!

My partner and I are approaching our 1 year anniversary. A lot of life things happened at around our 8th month, and we have been semi-long distance since; about a 3-hour drive apart.

I am my partner's first relationship. I presented myself as poly before we met, while we were dating. We got into the relationship under the pretense that we were both interested in building a foundation together as a monogamous couple and would eventually consider making that transition into polyamory. I agreed because, since it was their first relationship, I felt it would be too much to expect and be too overwhelming trying to navigate, and, frankly, our lives could only accommodate each other at the time.

I've been increasingly anxious that we might stay monogamous, as my partner has admitted on several occasions that they can feel very possessive and has used language or pet names that I can only equate to a monogamous mindset; emphasis on MY, or ONLY, etc. Such names or sentiments have never appealed to me, and honestly, they put me off, which I have expressed. I understand that it takes work to unravel monogamous conditioning. I am also still working to unlearn and rebuild a more ethical perspective that reflects the type of partner I hope to be.

I know and have known that I am poly. Although my partner has shown interest, they haven't had that real-life experience of polyamory. (Although mine is still limited to periods of having dating around with everyone aware, this is the first committed relationship where I've encountered this dilemma.)

I suppose I'm asking for advice on how to better ease the transition and provide some learning tools for both of us. And if at the end of the day this life isn't for them, how do I navigate that conversation, which I am afraid of?
 
Run.
 
Insist they read some recommended resources like Opening Up, and have a series of deep talks over each chapter. Listen to how they really feel. If they tense up at the idea of you having other partners, it's probably for the best to part ways.
 
You have only been together for one year, and you've discovered during that time that you're not compatible. Break up and seek happiness elsewhere. You have your whole life ahead of you (you didn't say how old you are but it sounds like you're both very young, especially if you're your partner's first relationship).
 
Tinwen said:
Insist they read some recommended resources like Opening Up, and have a series of deep talks over each chapter. Listen to how they really feel. If they tense up at the idea of you having other partners, it's probably for the best to part ways.
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You can't teach someone how to be poly if you've never actually practiced it yourself. "Dating around" is what many/most people do when they are young and seeking a monogamous relationship. It's nothing like polyamory.

If you feel capable of loving more than one, and managing long-term multiple relationships, check out that book as well as the many other resources we have listed here.

 
There are so many books on polyamory out now. There's really no excuse to not read at least a few of them, if you're going to present yourself as a poly dating partner.


American Poly: A History
Christopher M Gleason

The Anxious Person’s Guide to Non-Monogamy
Lola Phoenix

The Art and Etiquette of Polyamory
Francoise Simpere

The Art of Relationship Anarchy: A Revolutionary Approach to Love, Intimacy, and Connection - Deanne Meyers

Ask Me About Polyamory – Kimichi Kuddles
Tikva Wolf

Beyond Monogamy, Polyamory and the Future of Polyqueer Sexualities
Mimi Schippers

Designer Relationships: A Guide to Happy Monogamy, Positive Polyamory, and Optimistic Open Relationships
Mark Michaels and Patricia Johnson

Eight Things I Wish I'd Known About Polyamory: Before I Tried It and Frakked It Up
Cunning Minx

The Ethical Slut, Third Edition: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships, and Other Freedoms in Sex and Love
Janet Hardy and Dossie Eason

Fifty Years of Polyamory in America
Glen W Olson, Terry Lee Brussel-Rogers

Fraught Intimacies: Non-Monogamy in the Public Sphere
Nathan Rambukkana

A Happy Life in an Open Relationship
Susan Wenzel

Hot to the Touch: Views from the Polyamory Lifestyle
Cole Riley

It's Called "Polyamory": Coming Out About Your Nonmonogamous Relationships
Tamara Pinctus and Rebecca Hiles

The Jealousy Workbook
Kathy Labriola

Kaleidoscope of Polyamory: How Ready are You for an Open Relationship?
Mint Rabbit

The Lesbian Polyamory Reader
Marcia Munson, Judith Stelboum

Let’s Talk About …Non-Monogamy
JR James

The Many Faces of Polyamory: Longing and Belonging in Consensual Relationships
Magdalena J Fosse

Many Loves: A Memoir of Polyamory and Finding Love(s)
Sophie Lucido Johnson

More: A Memoir of an Open Marriage
Molly Roden Winter

More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory
Franklin Veaux, Eve Rickert

Multiamory: Essential Tools for Modern Relationships
Winston, Lingren, and Matlack

The Myth of Monogamy: Fidelity and Infidelity in Animals and People
Judith Eve Lipton, David P. Barash

The New Love Without Limits
Deborah Anapol

Open: An Uncensored Memoir of Love, Liberation, and Non-Monogamy
Rachel Krantz

Open Monogamy: A Guide to Co-Creating Your Ideal Relationship Agreement
Tammy Nelson

Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships
Tristan Taomino

Poly Land: My Brutally Honest Adventures in Polyamory
Page Turner

The Polyamorists Next Door
Elisabeth Shef

Polyamory: A Clinical Toolkit for Therapists (and Their Clients)
Martha Kauppi

Polyamory and Jealousy
Franklin Veaux, Eve Rickert

Polyamory and Kink
Jess Mahler

The Polyamory Breakup Book
Kathy Labriola

Polyamory in the 21st Century
Deborah Anapol

Polysecure: Attachment Trauma and Consensual Non-Monogamy
Jessica Fern

Polywise: A Deeper Dive into Navigating Open Relationships
Jessica Fern and David Cooley

Power Circuits: Polyamory in a Power Dynamic
Raven Kaldera

Sex at Dawn: How We Mate, Why We Stray, and What It Means for Modern Relationships
Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jetha

Relationship Anarchy: Occupy Intimacy!
Juan-Carlos Pérez-Cortés

Stepping Off the Relationship Escalator: Uncommon Love and Life
Amy Gahran

Stories from the Polycule: Real Life in Polyamorous Families
Elizabeth Shef

The Smart Girl’s Guide to Polyamory
Dedeker Winston

A Therapist’s Guide to Consensual Non-Monogamy, Polyamory, Swinging, and Open Marriage
Rhea Orion

Thriving in Non Monogamy An Ethical Slut's Guide: Overcome Jealousy, Enjoy Sex, and Honor Yourself
Erin Davidson

Understanding Non-Monogamies
Meg Barker and Darren Landridge

Understanding Threesomes Gender, Sex, and Consensual Non-Monogamy
Ryan Scoats

Undoing Monogamy: The Politics of Science and the Possibilities of Biology
Angela Willey

Why It’s OK to Not Be Monogamous
Justin L. Clardy

Wide Open: My Adventures in Polyamory, Open Marriage, and Loving on My Own Terms
Gracie X

In addition, four of Robert Heinlein's novels have polyamorous elements to varying degrees: Stranger in a Strange Land, winner of the Hugo award and named to the Library of Congress' list of the hundred novels that shaped America, featured a plural marriage in its story. The novel had a a profound impact on the 1960s counter-culture in general, as well as on the the concept of consensual non-monogamy during that time period. In fact, it was Morning Glory Zell-Ravenheart, high priestess of the Neo-Pagan Church of All Worlds, an organization based on the fictional "church" of the same name in that novel, who invented the term "polyamorous," introducing the term in the May 1990 article "A Bouquet of Lovers," first published in the Green Egg, a Neo-Pagan journal affiliated with the Church of All Worlds.

The Moon is a Harsh Mistress, also a Hugo award winning novel, featured a "line marriage" in a fictional lunar society.

The novels Time Enough for Love and Friday both included group marriages in their stories.

(Thank you, Al99, for these lists.)
 
Magdlyn said:
You can't teach someone how to be poly if you've never actually practiced it yourself.
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I think the OP sounds pretty clear that they are poly and want to be poly, and have some experience with non-monogamous relationships, even if none of the relationships got to the point of getting serious.

Magdlyn said:
"Dating around" is what many/most people do when they are young and seeking a monogamous relationship. It's nothing like polyamory.
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I know what you mean, but I disagree that it's nothing like polyamory. I figured out that I'm poly because I was very happy while dating around non-monogamously in my 20s with no serious relationships. Having multiple partners, even casual ones, felt right to me in a way that having only one serious relationship did not.

In fact, I was greatly puzzled that everyone else who was dating around wasn't as happy as I was. (That's how I figured out that I was different from "most people" in terms of what I wanted in dating relationships). "Everyone else" was ultimately seeking a serious monogamous relationship and would give up their other casual partners with no regrets when they found it. "Everyone else" felt they had to be cagey and secretive about their other dating-around partners, because it was somehow awful to talk openly about dating more than one person. "Everyone else" felt intense jealousy if someone they liked had a sexual thing with someone else, and interpreted it as a sign that the person either didn't have feelings for them at all, or was (somehow) an awful person (or both), even though everyone involved seemed to be dating around non-monogamously and I couldn't grasp what the big deal was.

When I met someone I liked enough to want to have a more serious relationship with him, I did not want to give up casually dating others or exploring my sexuality, and I told him so; and I was devastated and genuinely puzzled when he regarded this is as unspeakably, shockingly horrible and extremely alternative.

When one of my casual partners married someone else, I was genuinely surprised and confused to learn he was dropping all his other casual partners (including me, lol), as it did not make sense to me that marriage would or should require this.

So, dating around, for me, was definitely my intro into polyamory, and when I met a partner who agreed with my philosophy, we had an amazing non-monogamous relationship for over a decade. It was pretty easy for me to transition from dating around into full poly.

But it's true that MOST people just date around until they find a monogamous partner. Yet, I think they go about it differently than young/new poly people do.

Magdlyn said:
If you feel capable of loving more than one, and managing long-term multiple relationships, check out that book as well as the many other resources we have listed here.
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That's a great list of books, Magdlyn! Thanks for posting it.

As for what the OP should do... I think you should have that "tough conversation" sooner rather than later. Be clear that although you love your partner, you don't want to be monogamous long-term. Ask him if there is any type of open relationship that could ever appeal to him.

I am finding that the term "polyamory" sometimes confuses the issue rather than clarifies it, when people are unfamiliar with non-monogamy. They think it means something different than it does. Try using the term "open relationship" to ask your partner if they could ever imagine themselves being comfortable in one.
 
Hello chibiwhale,

I recommend for you and your partner to read the book "Opening Up" together. (The author is Tristan Taormino.) It is a good introduction to open/poly, and asks you some important questions for you to answer together. One thing you may have to consider is, that if, at the end of the day, your partner remains firmly monogamous, will you stay with them and remain monogamous with them? Only you can answer that question.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
chibiwhale said:
We got into the relationship under the pretense that we were both interested in building a foundation together as a monogamous couple and would eventually consider making that transition into polyamory.
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This was the mistake. You should have been poly from the beginning. It's easier to make that transition when you don't know the person and as your relationship grows. It's easier to grow while dating, than being mono and opening up later. Now you are asking him to change your entire relationship, how things work and how he feels. Being his first relationship will be even harder. You probably are better off ending it and being poly.
chibiwhale said:
I agreed because, since it was their first relationship, I felt it would be too much to expect and be too overwhelming trying to navigate, and, frankly, our lives could only accommodate each other at the time.
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In fact, the opposite is true. It would have been better to navigate this without feelings having developed yet, and working through stuff as they developed, especially since you are his first relationship. It was the perfect time to introduce him to what that means. Although he came with the social programming of monogamy, he didn't have his own life experience. Now that he has, he's geared in.

All of the feelings he has are normal. Instead of dealing with them as they came up, now you are expecting him to do all the work at once.

I'm afraid this won't end well.
 
I can see a poly person finding someone they are really excited about, that they love, getting swept up in new relationship energy (NRE) and not being interested in dating others until that infatuation dies down. Hopefully the poly partner would realize she isn't interested in multiple partners because of NRE, and can convey to the mono partner that she hasn't suddenly decided to be mono forever for him, that her true nature or choice is to be polyamorous, and that that love style will be revisited in the not-too-distant future.

But it would take some self-awareness to know this and get the idea across to a mono partner who has hopes that the relationship will remain monogamous permanently. It seems like this has happened. He has hopes of the relationship being monogamous.
 
Advice on how to ease the transition… Are you still living, or going to be living 3 hrs apart/LDR?

What is his interest or incentive to do a deep dive into poly education/Mags's very complete reading list? The big prepare to share and AFTER only 8 months.

Normally a transition from mono to poly happens after an investment of years, or there’s a marriage in place as a commitment back stop. One could argue with you being in an LDR with so much separation that the normal clock hasn’t even started yet, which could be a plus, and at the same time a minus. A plus in terms of not having unlimited access of time and finite resources, and a minus in terms of getting close to the brass ring and having cut back. Plus there isn’t the sense of protecting “the investment." Some guy married for 12 yrs with 2.5 kids is thinking way different. "I got all those yrs and shared history, and all the money and stuff I’ll lose if I don’t try."
 
Leave. For your well-being AND your partner's.
 
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