Trials and tribulations

[Wjm2000]

Hi everyone,

I am not here to bash my wife, as I love her dearly and she is very important to me.

She asked me to open our relationship two and a half months ago, in early August. At the time she was sexting a coworker in another state.
I was taken by complete surprise. She said she was unhappy and our relationship had been on auto pilot for awhile. I do accept my part of that, as it was easy to fall into habits.

I started to do the work. She ran as fast as she could into this, five weeks after initially asking for an open relationship. She had met another man. She had told me he was just offering guidance and advice on how to handle my attachment issues. A few days later, she told me they were flirting, a few days after that, that they were meeting, and now they are dating weekly.

When I realized I was having very strong emotions about it, I started trying to catch up, by seeing a poly-friendly counselor weekly, and reading as much as I could on my issues. My logical side is okay with this, but my emotional side is overwhelmed. I begged her to slow down, so I could catch my breath, but she would not.

I now find myself having to deal with the realities of this situation, and feel nowhere near where I should be. I have accepted that she is in another relationship, and I am trying very hard to not make her miserable by being miserable myself. Since the start of this, our relationship has actually gotten better. But with every reassurance she has given being proven wrong within a week of it being given, my trust has wavered, and I have found myself being afraid of every conversation and what was coming next.

I have considered leaving, but I would regret that, as this could be wonderful. But having to deal with this at such a pace has left me no time to process anything. I am feeling very out on a limb.

She has made concessions, such as only having one outside relationship at the moment, but has made it very clear that there will be more in the future. So, I am doing the work and hope to get a handle on my attachment issues and old wounds.

She has asked me to come here for advice many times, but feeling as vulnerable as I have been feeling, I was afraid of toxic comments and the old "get over it" internet answers. So if anyone has any advice, I really could use it right now.

We have both made mistakes in this. We didn't even know about polyamory until a few week into this. I do love her and she is worth this to me, so I have hope that I can recover and move forward with her in my life.

 

[PinkPig]

My advice is therapy for both of you. If she's unwilling to go, go alone, preferably with a sex-positive, poly-friendly therapist. It's unfair and unrealistic of her to drop the poly bomb, immediately start another relationship, and then expect you to just adjust. She is being incredibly selfish.

 

[MsH2O]

I also think she is not being sensitive or understanding about how difficult it is to adjust to an entire new relationship structure. It can take years. (It's taken me 7, and I still struggle a lot.) She has probably been thinking about it for a while and been reading, so it likely is easier for her. You need time to adjust. Absolutely slow down... indefinitely. Lots of conversations need to be had in the meantime. Poly is always there. This relationship is important, presumably, to you both, so putting in the time and effort to maintain it and support it is critical.

 

[ExpatAmor]

She has asked me to come here for advice many times, but feeling as vulnerable as I have been feeling, I was afraid of toxic comments and the old "get over it" internet answers. So if anyone has any advice, I really could use it right now.

I was also recently poly-bombed by my wife. I found this website on my own. As someone in a similar position to you, I can honestly say it is a really positive, supportive community. I think that overall others will offer helpful advice, suggestions, and perspectives. Some things will not be easy to hear, but it isn’t a place you’re likely to get toxic comments or dismissive “get over it” responses.

 

[Magdlyn]

I'm sorry you're having a hard time. I don't know how difficult your former relationship has been (auto-pilot, taking each other for granted, anxious attachment issues, etc.), and it's hard to advise you with so little information, but it sounds like your wife is moving terribly fast! She is the one telling you to just "get over it," it seems. And maybe she has led you to expect that experienced polyamorists would tell you the same.

That is not true at all. Most formerly mono couples will take at least a year to make the adjustment to polyamory, if they do at all. Sadly, many couples can't make the transition, and split up. The worst way to start a poly relationship is to have one partner already emotionally/sexually attracted to another person, basically cheating, before they tell the other they are going to now be poly and fucking someone else in short order. That is poly-bombing, and it is very traumatizing and painful for the one who has been bombed. Meanwhile she's in lala land, NRE, new relationship energy, pink fluffy clouds of infatuation hormones, while you're in poly hell.

I'm sure this all feels like an enormous punch in the gut. Has she read this?

kathylabriola.com - ARE YOU IN POLY HELL?

COMMON PITFALLS IN OPEN RELATIONSHIPS Many people who are in a primary relationship stumble into an outside relationship either by choice or by chance, and once involved, things can go beautifully or can go terribly awry. Here are some of the most common problems that develop and some ideas for

sites.google.com

 

[GalaGirl]

I am sorry you are struggling.

I'm not going to bash your wife, but I do think she could slow her roll in some areas. I think you could firm up your personal boundaries a bit too, and not be arranging yourself around your wife's stuff, but figure out how to stand on your own two feet.

She asked me to open our relationship two and a half months ago, in early August. At the time she was sexting a coworker in another state.

Was this cheating on previous agreements? How was this resolved or forgiven? Or was it just swept under the rug? Polyamory isn't magic. People can cheat on their poly agreements, too.

She said she was unhappy. Our relationship had been on auto pilot for a while.

How long is "a while?" How was this resolved? Will both of you start being more upfront with each other, rather than holding things in until you pop?

She had met another man. She told me he was just offering guidance and advice on how to handle my attachment issues. A few days later, she told me they were flirting, a few days after that they were meeting, and now they are dating weekly.

Do you actually need to be hearing this play-by-play? I get that she is in NRE and feeling all lalala. But you are coming at this from another place, and her gushing too much at you might make your transition time harder.

Here is a visual aid in the middle of the page. It's like she's on Track A, and you are on Track B in the stages of change.

https://www.eoslifework.co.uk/transmgt1.htm

You could both acknowledge that your experiences of this change are coming from different places. She's got to learn how to be a good hinge. You have to learn to deal with a meta.

When I realized I was having very strong emotions about it, I started trying to catch up. Seeing a poly-friendly counselor weekly, reading as much as I could on my issues. My logical side is okay with this, but my emotional side is overwhelmed.
I begged her to slow down, so I could catch my breath, but she would not.

It's good that you sought a counselor for extra support.

How does your wife want to be in the relationship with YOU? She might be damaging this relationship by not slowing down somewhere, at least slow down with gushing her NRE lalas at you.

I get that maybe she was pent up, unhappy and on auto-pilot for a while, but if she wasn't telling you what was going on with her, you can't be a mind reader. It's not your fault if she was sitting and stewing on something and you didn't know.

Now that she has finally stopped holding it in, what's her behavior been like? I've seen some people get all "kid in a candy store," while their partner is going through poly hell.

Then, when the previously hesitant partner starts poly-dating themselves, and the shoe is on the other foot, the spouse has to deal with metas and all that, if the spouse asks THEM to slow down, they sometimes get an answer like, "No, you weren't kind. I had to just lump it when you started dating. You wouldn't slow down or bend. Why should I be kind to you now?"

It can get tricky if the spouses start acting out "tit for tat" at each other, and lose sight of why they were together in the first place, and what being in right relationship with each other means. I encourage you to think about that -- what does being in right relationship mean here? And are you and your wife each holding up your end of that stick fairly?

I have accepted that she is in another relationship. I am trying very hard to not make her miserable by being miserable myself. Since the start of this, our relationship has actually gotten better. But with every reassurance she has given being proven wrong within a week of it being given, my trust has wavered and I have found myself being afraid of every conversation.

You both sound like you have a hard time being upfront and emotionally honest with each other. Why is that? Have you both not been in the habit during your relationship of just saying what's going on with you on the inside?

To me, she sounds NRE-drunk. Instead of expecting her to be stable and solid, and rely on her word, you might do better coming at it from this place:

"My spouse is NRE-drunk right now. She's a total poly newbie. She might mean well, and say things she intends on doing, but I'm not going to totally believe an NRE-drunk person, because her follow-through might be wobbly right now.

Instead, I'm going to get to know her behavior while she's in NRE and wait some of this out. I will take what she says with a grain of salt, until I figure out what the 'new normal' is. I will create my own stability by keeping to my own routines and seeing my counselor."

Part of this is hard for you because it's the first time ever. You don't have the benefit of past experience to think, "Oh, she always goes bonkers for the first 4 months of a new relationship, and then she calms down and returns to sanity," or to think, "I always get ____, and doing ____ usually helps."

You feel out on a limb because YOU ARE. This is uncharted territory. So while THIS area of life is changing, try to eat and sleep enough, go to work on time, exercise regularly, spend time with friends and family, spend time on your own resting, see your counselor. Maintain the other routines of your life so things are stable.

(cont'd.)

 

[GalaGirl]

I have considered leaving, but I would regret that, as this could be wonderful. But having to deal with this at such a pace has left me no time to process anything and I am feeling very out on a limb.

Well, you can always leave. You don't have to be doing things you don't want to be doing, not even sitting out on a limb. Your consent to participate in things or not belongs to YOU. That said, if you want to give it a try in case this turns to be wonderful, I think YOU could set some personal boundaries as you move through the transition space. It's good you have a counselor lined up. You could talk to them about how to best weather this out and how to avoid pitfalls.

You could work on detangling.

When your wife gushes her NRE lalas at you, you could say, "I'm glad you are enjoying your other partner, but I'm going through an adjustment period right now. I can't hear all this stuff at this time. I can deal with 'I'm excited,' like a brief newspaper headline. But I cannot do the whole article or the whole newspaper right now. Talk to your other partner instead about it, if you need the whole article."

She too might need to do the work of detangling. It is ok for you to ask your spouse to just stop. Some people are so used to having the spouse be their sounding board for everything, from habit, that they just take their spouse's listening services for granted. They don't seek consent first by asking the spouse if they even want to deal in this conversation right now. They just start inundating the spouse inappropriately with their poly-dating stuff, just assuming the spouse is up for it all the time.

On your end, you might have been used to always helping her with her problems as spouse/helpmate. But now that she is dating someone else, some areas of her life don't actually require your assistance. This may bring to light that you were over-assisting before. It might feel weird to stop yourself and take a step back, say, "No, that's not actually my job." Or say, "Hey, you know, just because I'm your spouse, it doesn't mean I have to..." or, "Hey, you know, just because I'm your spouse, it doesn't mean you get to..."

She has made concessions, such as only having one outside relationship at the moment, but has made it very clear that there will be more in the future. So I am doing the work and I hope to get a handle on my attachment issues and old wounds.

Well, at least that is some slowing down.

Has she also stated how much work/energy she is going to put into THIS relationship? I'm not hearing where either of you is spending time on dating each other.

She has asked me to come here for advice many times, but feeling as vulnerable as I have been feeling, I was afraid of toxic comments and the old "get over it" internet answers.

I'm not the kind of person who is just mean to strangers. At the same time, one doesn't just "get over it." If this announcement comes after marriage, depending on what your marriage vows were, it might be a dealbreaker. So then that old relationship is over. And the people have to decide if that's it, if they want to disband, because this is not what they signed up for when they got married, or if they are willing to renegotiate, start over in a new relationship model, and make new agreements.

Then, even if they want to try, being WILLING is not the same thing as being ABLE. There might be missing skills.

There are ways to open well from a marriage, and ways to open all wonky and make a mess. Some people use polyamory like a "soft exit" out of a marriage, to line up the new people before leaving the old one, because they don't want to spent any time alone in between.

I don't know what kind of situation you have on your hands.

I do see BOTH of you are going super fast, saying you want to open the marriage in August, and being here in October already dating. Has there even been enough time to prepare and make reasonable agreements, or is everything being done on the fly? That is one approach, to just jump in. For some, that's they way they like learning best. For others, it's like diving into the deep end without knowing how to swim, and is very anxiety-provoking.

You could spend some time reflecting on your own personality and how YOU want to author YOUR transition time.

We have both made mistakes, we didn't even know about polyamory until a few week into this. I do love her and she is worth this to me. So I have hope that I can recover and move forward with her in my life.

You both sound like you are at risk for some pitfalls because you are coming into it undereducated.

Maybe you want to do some reading to catch up.

https://practicalpolyamory.com/images/A._Wagner_-_Avoid_the_Pitfalls_of_Polyamory.pdf

https://practicalpolyamory.com/downloadabledocuments.html

https://sites.google.com/site/kathylabriolacom/articles?authuser=0

For sure, the old normal is gone. The new normal is not here yet. You are in a transition time.

You and wife could have a conversation about how you both want this transition time to unfold, and how you want it to end.

• If this transition time goes well, you both end up at the place of X. What does that look like? What behavior can help get there? What behavior takes away?
• If this transition time ends at a place where you need to break up, like you both gave polyamory a fair try, but it just isn't working out, what does a healthy breakup look like? What behavior can help get there? What behavior takes away?

It's good that you love your wife. Just remember to love yourself too. You have to be able to say no, firmly. You have to be able to say, "I love you, but not even for you will I do something that I really don't want to do, or that hurts me."

HTH!
Galagirl

 

[Magdlyn]

GalaGirl mentioned that poly partners need to be kind to one another. Yes, kindness and respect are required. That is how this becomes ETHICAL non-monogamy, and not just cheating out in the open.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Wjm2000,

I'm very sorry that your wife has been unwilling to slow down, even when you begged her to do so. No doubt she is all caught up in NRE with this new boyfriend, and feels there couldn't possibly be anything wrong with moving fast with him. The best thing you can do for now (as you do not want to divorce) is to keep seeing your poly-friendly counselor once a week. And keep reading. And keep reading and posting on this forum. Get as much advice and feedback from the various members here as you possibly can. It's scary turning to a bunch of internet strangers for help, knowing that at any time someone could tell you to "just get over it," or say other toxic comments to you. But I think you will find that on this forum, 99% (admittedly perhaps not always 100%) of the advice and feedback you get here will be positive and helpful. Keeping us updated as your situation evolves, will help us to help you.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Wjm2000]

Thank you for your replies. I have been reacting constantly and really had no support system that would understand this outside of my wife. I wish I would have posted here sooner.

Was this cheating on previous agreements? How was this resolved or forgiven, or was it just swept under the rug? Polyamory isn't magic. People can cheat on their poly agreements, too.

We were monogamous at the time. I hesitate to tell this story, as it was a very bumpy start and I feel like I would be shaming her for decisions she made then. But yes, there was an apology, and then it was swept under the rug.

How long is "a while?" How was this resolved? Will both of you start being more up front with each other, rather than holding things in until you pop?

I am not sure how long she felt like this. I had been working nights for about four months and our time together was very limited. When we did have time off together, we did separate things in separate parts of the house. So at least that long.

Do you actually need to be hearing this play-by-play? I get that she is in NRE and all lalala. But you are coming at this from another place, and her gushing too much at you might make your transition time harder.

I was noting the speed at which this was moving. I do end up dwelling on how quickly this turned from once or twice a year with the sexting guy, to weekly dates with someone else.

How does wife want to be in the relationship with YOU? She might be damaging this relationship by not slowing down somewhere. At least slow down with gushing her NRE lalas at you.

Our relationship has actually improved drastically. She became more loving and reassuring over the last month. She has said that her love for me is growing with this. But in the last week, that now seems to have turned into a little more impatience with my effort towards me working on myself. She has been pretty good at keeping her NRE in check around me. But I do recognize it for what it is, and it really doesn't bother me unless I give it time and space in my head. I also have no desire to tit-for-tat with her. I am not looking to punish her for this. I do get defensive at times. I can say things in those moments that I regret.

Has she also stated how much work/energy she is going to put into THIS relationship? I'm not hearing where either of you is spending time on dating each other.

We have been spending quite a bit more time together. We try to take a walk together every evening, and make plans when we have time off together. Like I said, our relationship has gotten better through this. There is more love between us than ever before.

I'm not the kind of person who is mean to strangers.

When I first started looking into this, I came across a few sites that were not very friendly to either side, and at the time there were things I wasn't ready to hear.

At the same time, one doesn't just "get over it." If this announcement comes after marriage, depending on what your marriage vows were, it might be a dealbreaker. So then the old relationship is over. And the people have to decide if that's it, if they want to disband, because this is NOT what they signed up for when they got married, or if they are willing to renegotiate and start over in a new relationship model, and make new agreements.

Then, even if they want to try, being WILLING is not the same thing as being ABLE. There might be missing skills.

There are ways to open well from a marriage, and ways to open all wonky and make a mess. Some people use polyamory like a "soft exit" out of a marriage, to line up new people before leaving the old one, because they don't want to spent any time alone in between. I don't know what kind of situation you have on your hands.

I am willing to to do this. The whole new relationship model is a little terrifying because I really have no idea what that looks like at the moment.

She wanted to do a "don't ask, don't tell" when we started this, but my brain wasn't having any of that and would make up stories to tell me. That is when we started trying to be honest about this. But she would want to protect me and our relationship, so she would sugarcoat everything,and when the sugarcoat wore off I would get a punch in the gut every time.

I do believe I have the skills for this. I do truly understand that how she feels about someone else can have no effect on how she feels about me.

We definitely went the wonky route. But I know this is not a soft exit. Her other relationship is with someone who is in an ENM marriage. He seems to understand and care about my well-being in this. Jumping into things is her trademark. She consumes a massive amount of information and then takes off running.

You both sound like you have a hard time being upfront and emotionally honest with each other. Why is that? Have you both not been in the habit during your relationship of just saying what's going on with you on the inside?

I have anxious attachment; she has avoidant attachment. We have always had issues with emotional honesty. But that is coming along. I have told her how I feel over and over, and she has started letting down her guard and talking about her emotions with me. She still holds back to protect my feelings, but that is starting to lessen too.

I do see BOTH of you are going super fast, to say you want to open the marriage in August, and then being here in October, already dating. Has there even been enough time to prepare and make reasonable agreements, or is everything being done on the fly?

Everything seems to happen on the fly. There are no agreements, other than keeping to one other relationship, for the time being. And I believe my meta had more of an influence on that decision than I did.

You both sound like you are at risk for some pitfalls because you are coming into it undereducated.

This is most definitely true. We have hit several already.

Just remember to love yourself too. You have to be able to say no, firmly. You have to be able to say "I love you, but not even for you will I do something that I really don't want to do, or that hurts me."

This is probably where I am struggling the most. I've never really looked at myself. When I finally did, I had a hard time liking what I saw. I am a good person, but I had difficulties making that case to myself.

And as far as a firm no, that is where I will run up against her brick wall. My choice will be to stick to my guns, and end our relationship, or acquiesce, and move forward. She will not be controlled. If she feels like she is being forced to make a choice, non-control will win every time.

You and wife could have a conversation about how you both want this transition time to unfold, and how you want it to end.

Honestly, I feel like we have skipped the transition phase of this. We are on this road, no matter where it leads.

Maybe she has led you to expect that experienced polyamorists would tell you the same.

Actually, she has said there are a lot of knowledgeable and kind people here.


I really appreciate the feedback. I can honestly say that this has helped me, and given me hope that this is not an impossible climb. I also know this is a wheel inside my head, and I will soon be back on the "we're doomed" side. But in this moment, all is well.

Thank you.

 

[GalaGirl]

Honestly, I feel like we have skipped the transition phase of this, and we are on this road no matter where it leads.

Semantics, maybe. I think you skipped the preparation period and just jumped in underprepared. To me, you are in the transition period. The old normal is gone. The new normal isn't here yet. You are having to figure things out as you go.

You sound willing to try, so just do your best. Time will tell if it pans out or not.

You don't have to answer here. Just some things to think about, or talk to your counselor about, as you find your way.

She wanted to do a don't ask don't tell when we started this, but my brain wasn't having any of that and would make up stories to tell me. And that is when we started trying to be honest about this. But she would want to protect me and our relationship, so she would sugarcoat everything and when the sugarcoat wore off I would get a punch in the gut every time.

What is she trying to protect you or the relationship FROM when she sugarcoats things? What is sugarcoating supposed to achieve? You having some feelings? Her having to deal with you having some feelings? Something else?

I am an anxious attachment and she is more of an avoidant attachment, and we have always had issues with emotional honesty. But that is coming along, I have told her how I feel over and over, and she has started letting down her guard and talking about her emotions with me. She still holds back to protect my feelings, but that is starting to lessen too.

Does going about it this way serve you both better? Even though being more direct and upfront is a new way of going, is it less of a punch in the gut than the sugarcoating way?

Again, you don't have to answer here, just maybe reflect.

Jumping into things is her trademark. She consumes a massive amount of information and then takes off running.

So her behaviors are in keeping with her character/personality.

Are you planning on poly-dating later on? Her way of doing it on her side (just jumping in) doesn't have to be your way of doing it.

Even if you are planning on this being a mono/poly thing, where she poly dates on her side, and you don't on your side, you do get to say what you will and will not put up with in your relationships.

My husband's two firm things have always been:

1) I'm not the clean-up man. Whatever you have going on with other people, it's not my job. I don't date them. You do. Don't leak weird stuff from that side over on to me.

2) There will be no children by other people.

I agree with him on these. Sloppy hinge stuff turns me off too. And I have no desire for more children than I have already with him. We want to be done with that phase of life, and arrive at the empty nest phase, not start all over.

This is probably where I am struggling the most. I never really looked at myself and when I finally did, I had a hard time liking what I saw. I am a good person, but I had difficulties making that case to myself.

Why? Do you not like yourself very much? Or is it that you got caught up with being away with work and were taking the relationship for granted?

We have been spending quite a bit more time together. We try to take a walk together every evening, and make plans when we have time off together. Like I said, our relationship has gotten better through this. There is more love between us than ever before.

It sounds like with more talking and more time together, you both feel better about your relationship together.

Our relationship has actually improved drastically, She became more loving and reassuring over the last month and she has said that her love for me is growing with this, but in the last week that now seems to have turned into a little more impatience with my effort towards me working on me.

What is it you are trying to work on? Why is it bothering her that you are going at the speed you need to go with your personal issues, working with your counselor?

As far as a firm no, that is where I will run up against her brick wall, and my choice will be to stick to my guns, and end our relationship, or acquiesce, and move forward. She will not be controlled. If she feels like she is being forced to make a choice, non-control will win every time.

Is it in how you do the asking? Does she have some defensive listening going on? Is there something else? Asking someone to do some stuff so you don't get dinged isn't trying to "control them." It is asking them to exercise some reasonable self control and be decent toward you. It's a request. They can say "ok." They can say "no."

It's okay to have a "messy list," for example. I think it would be fair to say, "You can basically date who you want. Just don't date my parent or my boss. That's too weird for me. In return I will do same, and not date any of your messy people. Are you willing to do that?"

When the world is full of people, it is really that hard to skip a few who'd make a huge mess if things went wahoonie? I would imagine you don't need your spouse to date your boss, and if they break up, the boss makes your life hell at work. That would suck, especially if you didn't even do anything.

Things would get really awkward if your partner dated your parent or sibling. It's easier just to just avoid that by agreeing not to go there in the first place. You might think about who your "messy people" are. More examples might be roomies, or best friends, because they'd be the ones you need to turn to for support, etc.

Your spouse might say "No, I am not willing to meet your request. I will date whoever I want, even your parent or boss. You can't control me!" It is true. You can't control them or their behavior choices. You can only control yourself and your own behavior. Then you might have to say, "That's just too weird for me. If you might do that, I'm out." Sometimes it is perfectly ok to stick to your guns and end the relationship. You have to know where your hard limits or dealbreakers lie.

Maybe that's another area to think over, or talk about with your counselor.

I really appreciate the feedback. I can honestly say that this has helped and given me hope that this is not an impossible climb. I also know this is a wheel inside my head and I will soon be back on the "we're doomed' side. But in this moment, all is well.

I'm glad airing things out helped you feel better.

Galagirl

 

[Marcus]

Honestly, I feel like we have skipped the transition phase of this, and we are on this road no matter where it leads.

You sure said it: she's on a freight train. You can either get on it, get out of the way, or get crushed by it. But the train is moving forward, regardless of what you do.

Personally, I don't think it's right or wrong. She's living her life, and good for her. However, this certainly leaves you with some work to do.

My recommendation would be to let go of the idea of "learning to be ok with poly," because that is something that could take you years, if it's something that is even possible for you. Instead, I would lean hard into self examination, lean into your hobbies and interests, lean into expanding your social circle and nurturing your existing relationships (other than your relationship with her), get some individual therapy with a therapist who will be honest with you, and whatever other activities can build your internal sense of value and independence.

Once you've done some good work on yourself, and look around, if she still happens to be there, so be it. If she isn't, then you'll have taken good care of yourself and you can take it on the chin and move on with your life. Currently it sounds like her every move is making you twitch, which makes me think you might be attached to her hip. Do the work to get surgically removed from her hip, and THEN see what you want out of life.

 

[Magdlyn]

With more information about your attachment styles, what I am hearing is:

- You are anxious in your attachment style. This might come across as you acting needy and clingy and needing a lot of reassurance from her, since you can't reassure yourself.
- She is avoidant, because she gets overwhelmed with your clinginess.
- When you had 4 months being extra busy at work, she spent her free time messaging a man who was less clingy (perhaps a more self-assured confident polyamorous married man, from the sound of it).
- Since she got a break from you, she saw new potential ways to act. Paradoxically, once she got some experience with one or two other guys, she wanted to spend more positive time with you, going for a relaxing daily walk, for instance.
- Maybe you are making some progress by seeing a counselor, so wife doesn't have to act as your only support person, and this has made her more willing to spend quality time with you, instead of just propping you up all the time.

I may or may not be understanding everything, so feel free to correct me.

A married couple should not be each other's "everything," even though popular culture sometimes says that. It's exhausting to be someone's only social support person.

 

[Wjm2000]

I do not believe she has been propping me up.

I have only had about 4 weeks of therapy so far.

I have only been seeking reassurance since this came about, which is normal, considering we are transitioning. The man she is dating has only been around about a month.

I'm not sure if I came off a being attached to her hip, with no self-confidence.

I admit, I am attached to her, she is important to me, and this has shaken my self confidence. I have been struggling with this. I know it's normal.

I am not an overly-attached weakling who can't stand on my own without her.

I want to make this work, and have come for advice. Disentanglement is a good start. I don't want my marriage to end because I have jealousy/abandonment issues that I carried long before getting married.

 

[Marcus]

I'm not sure if I came off a being attached to her hip, with no self confidence.

I admit, I am attached to her, she is important to me, and this has shaken my self confidence. I have been struggling with this. I know its normal.

I am not an overly-attached weakling who can't stand on my own without her.

There isn't anything particularly interesting about your situation. This is something that happens all of the time. The reality is that the solution is always going to be the same: improve your healthy sense of self and let other people live their lives.

It is completely normal and common to enmesh with a partner and to lose our sense of self. We usually just don't realize it until our partner makes a big change and we realize how much we have become dependent upon them. Whether the change was wanting new partners, wanting to travel the world, wanting to explore a political stance that they previously hadn't, in the end, the only constructive reaction I am aware of is to disentangle and bolster our ability to survive independently.

I want to make this work, and have come for advice. Disentanglement is a good start. I don't want my marriage to end because I have jealousy/abandonment issues that I have carried long before getting married.

It's wise to recognize that your historical baggage is interfering with your current-day ability to manage your emotions. It's high level adulting to even say it out loud, so good on you.

Additionally, I want to point out that the advice being handed out is easy to say, but it can be incredibly difficult to accomplish. For me, I try to hold these standards as guideposts, so that I can occasionally correct course and get pointed back in the right direction, as opposed to a goal that I hope to accomplish.

 

[Wjm2000]

It has been a few years since my first post here. I wanted to share how it went and how I am doing.

My wife poly-bombed me and jumped into and out of several relationships within the first couple of months. I spent a year we watching her plan and do activities that I had asked her so many times to do with me, which would not, before any of this came about, while she continuously blamed me for not being able to handle the situation.

She bulldozed every boundary. When I would reach a breaking point, she would shower me with affection and love, then start it over again. She broke it off with my first meta because he would try to slow her down out of respect for me (thnx jon).

I had a couple of really shitty therapists at this time and that only compounded the problems. There are so many crappy things she did, I would be embarrassed to share.

No matter what, I couldn't seem to leave her.

I read every psychology book I could find, originally to figure out what was wrong with her. But I found out it was me. I was trauma bonded with her, an empath married to a narcissist. 14 months of gaslighting and intense emotional abuse. I finally said things she would find unforgivable and she left, not without a few more hits to the old mental health.

Because I had been so embarrassed by the abuse, I had not told many people about it. So when we ended, she told everyone how I had mistreated her. Calls from family and friends came, asking what the hell was wrong with me? Why would I do that to her? And no one believed me, as I hid the abuse very well.

I dived head first into the deep end of the depression pool. Never in 50 years had I considered suicide, but now it was a daily thought. I swam around in depression for a year. I finally sought help. It was a slow process and I am still healing 3 years later, but healing all the same.

Today I have two beautiful women that truly love me. I have healthy kitchen table relationships with my metas. I seem to have discovered my polyamorous nature and look forward to every day now.

I would like to ask, if you know someone or see them struggling, be kind and lend them a hand. From someone who never asked for help, I saved my own life. But someone else might not be able to. Being told you're co-dependent and you should just leave might not be an option. I know there are few psychologists here and most enter poly in a healthyish way. Kind words before "it sounds like your attached at the hip" would be a solid start.

Kindness and respect,
WJM2000

 

[Wjm2000]

Just reread, and it sounded like I I was blaming the advice I received here in my last paragraph. I was not.

There is no way anyone could have known what I was going through, especially since I watered it down because I knew she would read my post. She was very upset from the replies I received, after all the validation she received from her post the day before. When we talked, I had hoped it would help her be more understanding. Nope. She just never came back here again, and found validation elsewhere.

 

[kdt26417]

I'm sorry your wife turned out to be such a bully, good for you for pulling yourself together, as soon as you could, and moving on to two beautiful women who care for you. I guess your (now ex?) wife continued to read and see whatever she wanted to read and see, but you can put that behind you now.

 

[dingedheart]

Hey, glad you got out and turned things around. Also glad I wasn’t one of the dismissive ones.

She was very upset from the replies I received, after all the validation she received from her post the day before. When we talked I had hoped it would help her be more in understanding. Nope. She just never came back here again and found validation elsewhere.

Would you link her old threads to give people a look at what she was saying and doing at the same time? It’s not too often we see married couples posting.