Triangle "relationship"

Sjna Misa

New member
I'm new here! Hey there!
I'm seeking advice as I'm trying to sort out my emotions. When I was travelling I became best friends with my meanwhile boyfriend. We both used to date other people as we've been best friends for several months (didn't expect or had any interest in anything else) and we always of course talked about our dates as friends do. Then a year ago I visitted him in his country and somehow there was a "switch" and it was like a holiday fling. Only that we still kept in touch so much after that it naturally developped into a relationship and somehow it just made sense to never close the relationship as we both were not jealous and we were long distance with no plans yet about closing the distance.

So far so good. I got to meet the girl he mostly was also seeing this year as he didn't switch among other partners (Covid might be a factor) while he already knew one the guys I saw more often but I had several other casual things. Now I'll fly to him and arrive in 2 days! But as it starts to get real I noticed that it suddenly does trigger some awkwardness when he answers the phone and is cuddling up to let's say Eva. I actually really like her she is cool and we trained together online we all have shared interests. And she used to be in poly relationships before and is bi. I'm also bisexual so I got now the hints that they might hope for me and my bf to "date" her together.
My bf was already asking me about my expectations about her cause he doesn't want me to be uncomfortable. I already communicated to him that we can all hang out together during the daytime and we also will go on trips but for starters I want the nights with him alone and he things that's absolutely fair. So there is no pressure.
I guess I'd just like to hear how you guys got into this kind of relationship dynamics and for any advice. It's great that we were best friends to begin with so I can tell him however I feel. It's more that I need to figure first out how I feel about things. I guess I'm worried of 2 ways in which it could go wrong
1) I do end up liling her too and it would overcomolicate things to make them work with 2 people at once
2) I could get jealous to which I think my natural reaction would be to just emotionally distance myself completely or somehow won't be able to build up something meaningful cause it somehow feels wrong/off to become monogamous with him as oddly enough we never have been. Despites this being my first non monogamous relationship
Sry for the huge text.
 

Evie

Well-known member
It sounds like you don't have any actual problems, which put you in a much better position than most who find themselves here 😜

But you're also thinking ahead about how to mitigate things which might arise. Is it really worry, or was that just a turn of phrase? It sounds more like you're simply anticipating possible difficulties and already looking for workable solutions (as your extensive travel has possibly taught you to do). Quick, pop that shit on your CV, if I was a hiring manager I'd snap you up.

Uncommonly, (sadly) you're at least in a wait-and-see situation regarding all becoming lovers - too many women are pushed into this when they have no chemistry with the other person at all. Your friend and his girlfriend sound good that they aren't actually already automatically expecting you to have sexual or romantic connections with her too, it's just on the table, not off. See what happens. If it's a no, from what you've written, they won't have a hissy fit. Nice.

And then, what if you get jealous? You've already asked for the 1-1 time, and he's agreed, and I suspect this will go a long way to alleviating that. Jealousy is a kind of fear of loss things, and if you and he aren't actually losing anything, that reduces the chance of jealousy. I hope they're also as happy with you and he PDAing around them as they are when you're calling him. Admittedly, that wouldn't work for me, but if you can have a casual chat with him while they are cuddling on the couch, great. Again, just so long as you're getting your own dyad time, I'd say your pragmatism and maturity will do the rest.

You seem to be saying that your jealousy would maybe prevent you from being monogamous with him, but I'm not sure quite what you mean by that. Are you considering being his other girlfriend while he's your only boyfriend? I'd personally leave the option open to date, too if I was you, so you're in a V shaped relationship with him and her, but that may become a N shaped relationship if you date someone else completely separate to them.

Oops, visitors have arrived, sorry to leave this a little unfinished, but I'm sure others will be along, too.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
My bf was already asking me about my expectations about her cause he doesn't want me to be uncomfortable. I already communicated to him that we can all hang out together during the daytime and we also will go on trips but for starters I want the nights with him alone and he things that's absolutely fair. So there is no pressure.

So basically your LDR BF has a GF named Eva who is bisexual. You are going over there to visit him. There's been hints as to your three... hooking up? Forming a triad? Something?

How about sticking to the plan above and NOT getting romantically or sexually involved with Eva at this time?

Gives you more time to get to know her, sort out your feelings, and decide if you really want to have two LDR partners or not.

You don't have to have everything solved in this one trip. It's ok to take time.

Galagirl
 

Sjna Misa

New member
Well the two of them are actually not a romantic couple. It's more of a friendship with benefits kind of situation as they used to be a couple like a decade ago and it just wasn't working out in that way. My bf had a really long relationship before where he and his ex basically would kinda see a third person together at times but their being like each others primary partners so I guess they have something like that in mind.

And yeah well it is really as you said @Eavy I don't habe an actual prpblem yet 😆 I just like to find them when things go too smooth lol

and wow if you write it out like that I can see how that does spund really bizzarre about me being jealous leading possible to me not being monogamous with him 😂 I guess I more thought in the sence that I really just don't like to restrict my partners happyness based on own jealousy issues as he's just such a happy person to begin with and that's also what I lile so much about him.

I think if he'd tell me that he actually wants to be together with the other girl I wouldn't be in the picture to begin with as she lives there already and I'm not. So in a romantic sense I don't think I would want to share him but I also don't see her as a "threat" in that way.
Oh well I guess I just got a lot of clarity. I guess I'll keep updating one I'm there and see how things unfold
 

Evie

Well-known member
So do you have a happily ever after fantasy (it's always fantasy) with your BF? What does that look like to you? Together but open, like they were? Or you've both already done all of that and it's time to settle down? Babies? Home ownership if you're in a country that encourages such behaviour? Or something else? Or are you not looking for a nesting (as we tend to call it) situation right now?

I have a nesting partner. We even got married. We also closed up while we were establishing our relationship (a few years) but opened back up because it suits our core natures. You're in a strong position to design your relationships, just keep talking to each other about what you want now, and in the future. Although I can almost guarantee that your opinions will change at some stage, so just keep communicating. And be prepared to dissolve your relationship shape if it's not working for you both/all. You can always redesign.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Hello Sjna Misa,

It sounds like Eva/Eavy is something of a casual girlfriend to your boyfriend ... and you are okay with that as long as they don't "catch feelings" for each other. Correct me if I've misread that.

I recommend you read the following article: What If I Get Jealous?

Keep posting in this thread as your situation evolves, and we will keep posting relevant thoughts and advice.

Good luck!
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 

Sjna Misa

New member
So it's my third day here. I habe to admit we had (also due to some degree of language barrier) some misunderstandings and the first day and a half felt like quite a "culture shock". Cause I wanted to get to know her more during daytimes and then have some one on one time at nights with my bf. He though he made it clear that his holidays would start and as we go to a beach house and she would return exactly after two weeks to their own city that it's really bad timing to start it that way and I got unsure wether I misunderstood the nature or their relationship. I also had a friend of mine with me so I just decided to stay in another room the first two nights to just habe my space to settle.

I was kinda overwhelmed and then my bf came to comfort me yesterday and Eva joined in a bit after and we were able to actually clear things up about who means what to who etc. and I really start to warm up to her as we all train together so we had some great bonding time yesterday night. Arrived at the holiday house today in a friends group setting and spend the first night cuddling with them yesterday and woke up with a really good mood again :)
fortunately I've been friends with my bf so long that we already know from each other that we want the same things about "nesting". I'd move in a best case scenario permanently to his country as I always wanted to live in a country like his even before knowing him and I know the language. I don't want kids and he already helped his ex raising her kids as his own so if I'd change my mind he would be open to talk about that but he also is not head over heels into the idea of having more kids. I could imagine for us to change between being open or closed in different parts of our relationship and in terms of marriage we are on the same page too and I come along greatly with his family.
Summed up it was a rough start as I felt overrun a bit but now everything seems to fall into place :)
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
It sounds like things are working out well; other than a little culture shock and language barrier you are getting to know each other pretty well. As the situation now stands, you should start to make arrangements to move to his country permanently. Keep posting here, and we'll keep offering help and advice.
 

Sjna Misa

New member
Ok so update: Things turned around fast and not to my liking.

Basically they tried to initiate a 3some and I was not feeling it at all. I was just too tired and still not feeling like we are synced for that step. They got the hint that night but my bf basically was talking to me the next day about how they were unsure about if I don't want to but basically saying they want to that night. So I told him to sit down and again made my point that I first want to spend a noght alone with him to rebuild intimacy between the two of us and seperately after that see about Eva but I can't just jump right into this. It lead to him being absolutely stubborn about not wanting to "uninvite" her (basically when I just said for a night) so basically we could have our nights alone but not in that order - only once she goes back home to the other city where they live. I am still baffled. I ended up stating that if there is simply no compromises made to accomodate my needs as if I have no say in this then we want different things and I will back off. It's just really unfortunate to say the least as I put in such an effort to come to his country and now am left hanging. My new year was accordingly aweful with his friends showing more compassion by trying to cheer me up at midnight than him or her.

So now I am here in his families holiday house and a bunch of his friends and luckily one of my friends is here. Somehow try to make the shift back to being friends as we used to be before but yesterday I was simply just crying and today just really angry. I really didn't ask for much and can't understand how someone can be so incapable of doing their part in a relationship..
 

Evie

Well-known member
I'm so sorry they tried to use you for group sex, that's very uncool.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
It sounds like your boyfriend wanted to rush you into a three-way relationship, like he no longer cared about his one-on-one relationship with just you. That's gotta hurt. And now you're stuck in his vacation home for the rest of your holiday, am I understanding that right? That sucks, I wonder if you could go home early. I know you don't want to hear this, but I think you should think about breaking up with this guy. Maybe you could go back to being platonic friends, I don't know. Will you be able to like him as a friend, knowing that this was how he treated you? Maybe you could go a month with no contact at all, and that might help make the breakup a little easier.
 

Sjna Misa

New member
Well me saying I'll back off was basically me breaking up and yes I did already consider going home early. It just really sucks as I hired someone to substitute me and also rentes out my flat. It's supposed to be 2 months.
And yes that's exactly it, like the one on one relationship is supposedly just inexistent.

it all just really sucks cause I am literally stuck and can't just walk away that easily and the group of friends here all like me and always try to include me in activities when I just take some alone time.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Well, what I don't like about the situation is, that I'm amazed that your boyfriend would be that selfish and inconsiderate toward you. He has basically ruined your holiday vacation, it's not like you can just walk out on his friends, and then where would you stay? Is there any chance that your boyfriend would realize that he is in the wrong, any chance that he would beg you to come back? That might be the only possible solution to this problem.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
I'm sorry BF and the other GF were trying to rush you into a threesome and BF was not listening to your wants for time.

I guess you could let the renter know an emergency happened so they can start making plans. And you go home early and either share the space with renter or not. Or you take the unexpected travel time and go somewhere else on your own if you can afford to switch.

Galagirl
 

Magdlyn

Well-known member
Oh my god, wtf. Your so-called bf invited you on vacation but refused to spend intimate one on one time with you unless you also had sex with his other gf? His FWB/gf whatever the hell she is?

This guy is supposed to be your long time friend but told you he wouldn't continue the sexual side of your relationship unless you entertained him by sharing your body with him AND his other gf? Is this real life? That is just so incredibly tasteless and disrespectful. You traveled to another country and this was supposed to be for 2 months? You rented out your home because you planned to be gone for 2 months?

By the way, how is it you're sharing a house with people from another country right now, with Covid rampant around the world?

This is so incredible, I'd almost think you were trolling. This is not polyamory in any way, shape or form. This is not a respectful consenting relationship. I think his arrangement with his so-called ex is weird. This man is making some weird life choices. I don't blame you for being upset.
 
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