It never fails to amaze me the "reasons" people will come up with to get themselves upset over.
Trying out a triad
- Thread starter SquishyHusk
- Start date
Bobbi
Well-known member
Im wondering why you are trying to read minds? Just ASK! Ask them both what they want to do. Then you’ll know.
SquishyHusk
Active member
I blame the constant messaging from advertising, TV, movies, and social media telling women that love is best expressed through things like diamonds and lavish resort vacations. Cookie has struggled with comparing herself to her friends on Facebook - the friends with neurotypical kids that vacation in Hawaii every year. With kids that are going away to college, and the like.
For many, many years I tried my very best to come up with what I thought were good gifts that she'd appreciate, but she was always disappointed and angry at me getting it wrong. It was one of the things that pushed me to become more distant and just focus on work.
Now that Cookie has a girlfriend, and on this strange, new path in life, things will hopefully be different and she'll stop comparing herself to the stuff people post on Facebook.
SquishyHusk
Active member
With Cookie, if I ask, she'll say that I don't pay attention and don't understand her - I should know what she wants without asking. And that asking what she wants to do is putting the burden of planning on her.
With Pumpkin, she'll just shrug.
Yeah here's the thing about people posting about their perfect, happy little lives on Facebook. Those are the people who are trying to convince *themselves* that their lives are so wonderful. In my experience, the more people gush about how wonderfully awesome everything is, the less wonderfully awesome things actually are.
I have this friend who was doing that like every hour of every day, then one day suddenly she was posting from a battered women's shelter and get this: her abuser got custody of their kids because they live in Michigan and she "abandoned the family home".
God bless the USA and the internet.
This is not healthy adult communication.
SquishyHusk
Active member
I agree. Another reason I had become withdrawn. I extend a lot of grace to Cookie because she has been so stressed and depressed for so long. There really is no help out there for the parents of special-needs kids. It's just a constant hamster wheel of case managers stopping by for an hour, making a few notes, and leaving again. Nothing ever happens, nothing ever changes. Sometimes a person will be assigned to provide a service, but they never last more than a visit or two before "They Are No Longer Employed Here" and we are dropped back to the bottom of the waiting list. A large amount of the household budget is spent on medical bills for specialists that are not covered by insurance. Their only answer seems to be prescribing more pills to add to the pile. It's all very discouraging, and the whole situation makes Cookie feel like a complete failure as a mother. The way she sees it, she only had one chance to grow a human, and she messed it up.
I have zero maternal instincts, never wanted to (and never have) become pregnant or raise a child, and cannot wrap my mind around how that is such a fundamental part of many people's self-esteem. With that said, I do not see any connection between why that means you should be a mind-reader and refusing to even entertain your questions when you do ask them.
Bobbi
Well-known member
She needs to stop that. It’s all lies. People put bullshit lies on social media because they are just as insecure and have just as shitty problems as she does but they think posting lies on social media will make them feel better. She should drop social media completely. She will be much happier without it.
Nope. Bullshit. You arent a mind reader and if she expects you to be then you have no relationship. Tell her you want to give her the time she wants with the person she wants. Does she want to be with just you, or both of you? That’s all she needs to answer.
If it’s Pumpkin, then Pumpkin can figure out what to do. If it's with you or all of you, you can plan the outing and let her act like a toddler if she’s not happy. If she responds that way, tell her you want a relationship with an adult that can communicate her wants and needs, and until she learns that skill, you wont be participating in these holidays or gift giving because your effort is not appreciated and you have no idea what she wants.
This could be a mental load thing, and if it is, the break for both of you might be helpful. You can revisit a conversation again later.
There definitely are therapists that can help, and it sounds like she desperately needs one! Self esteem, relationships, special-needs child and depression on top!? She NEEDS a therapist, and a good one at that. Probably the best gift you could give her, in the long run.
That's really the ONLY help for special-needs kids-- help the parents cope. Give them skills to manage their own lives and emotions so they can better help their kids who feed off our emotions. Parent gets better, kids become easier. It won't be like magic, but even small changes can be HUGE with a special-needs kid.
SquishyHusk
Active member
Got back last night from two weeks away. 2023 financials. Accounts won, accounts lost. Why we won, why we lost. 2024 planning. Lots of training. Lots of spreadsheets and slides. Add in "networking" at the end of day (continuing to talk business, but doing it with a drink in your hand) and it makes for 14 hour long workdays. Tiring. Stressful.
But at least my family is happy to see me home again, right? Doesn't feel that way. The girls are just envious that I get to be out of the house and I don't have to deal with the childcare and household chores. That I get to travel the world and stay at fancy resorts. It doesn't matter that I have zero time to see any sights or enjoy any ammetities because all I do is work and sleep. That flying all day is uncomfortable and exhausting. I don't even get a hug to say "Welcome home", I just get yelled at to hurry up and unpack so that they can start washing two weeks of my clothes.
But at least my family is happy to see me home again, right? Doesn't feel that way. The girls are just envious that I get to be out of the house and I don't have to deal with the childcare and household chores. That I get to travel the world and stay at fancy resorts. It doesn't matter that I have zero time to see any sights or enjoy any ammetities because all I do is work and sleep. That flying all day is uncomfortable and exhausting. I don't even get a hug to say "Welcome home", I just get yelled at to hurry up and unpack so that they can start washing two weeks of my clothes.
Could just wash your own clothes, then they wouldn't have any reason to yell at you, right?
I thought the triad was supposed to help, not make things worse.
This seems difficult, with maybe misunderstandings and underlying resentments all round.
I have a SN child. And I'm a single parent. My partner (who I do not nest with) travels for work, staying in nice hotels at amazing locations. I went on one of his business trip to an island in the Med and was bored rigid with the socialisation needed after work hours. Never again!
I also work full time, and as my child is technically old enough to leave alone, but is not capable of being, I don't get a lot of time out of the house. I don't resent my partners 'freedom,' but then I understand although it can be fun, he comes back exhausted, and there is no way I would want to do it. Likewise, he understands the stressors I am under.
Do you communicate often when you are away, to keep connected?
I have a SN child. And I'm a single parent. My partner (who I do not nest with) travels for work, staying in nice hotels at amazing locations. I went on one of his business trip to an island in the Med and was bored rigid with the socialisation needed after work hours. Never again!
I also work full time, and as my child is technically old enough to leave alone, but is not capable of being, I don't get a lot of time out of the house. I don't resent my partners 'freedom,' but then I understand although it can be fun, he comes back exhausted, and there is no way I would want to do it. Likewise, he understands the stressors I am under.
Do you communicate often when you are away, to keep connected?
SquishyHusk
Active member
Is that some sort of misandrist dig? That men can't wash their own clothes?
I have no problem washing my own clothes, but when it's left up to me, I just leave 'em in the suitcase until the weekend and do it then. By the time I get home, I'm too tired to do much besides shower and go to bed. The girls find this unacceptable.
Yeah, well, it helps the girls. They are both happier than before. For me, it's a push.
SquishyHusk
Active member
I text every morning and evening with messages and pictures. Sometimes I have time for a call if my flight is delayed or if I'm taking a train.
No no, I didn't mean it like that. What I meant was that if you wash the clothes yourself, they'll probably just find something else to bitch about. In that regard, it was more of a misogynist dig, but I would say the same thing if these were three women or three men. I think that the fake urgency about the laundry was a superficial way of covering up some kind of deeper frustration.
I think it's a shame that you didn't receive any kind of welcome home.
AlwaysGrowing
Well-known member
Are any of you in in counseling (individual, couple's, or group)?
Editing to add context for my question-- this feels like a "relationship broken, add people," situation which doesn't work unless the broken part gets fixed. You talk about the distance between you and Cookie; the stress of parenting a child with higher than average needs; the communication struggles between you and each woman. Professional input might be helpful with these issues.
Editing to add context for my question-- this feels like a "relationship broken, add people," situation which doesn't work unless the broken part gets fixed. You talk about the distance between you and Cookie; the stress of parenting a child with higher than average needs; the communication struggles between you and each woman. Professional input might be helpful with these issues.
SquishyHusk
Active member
Cookie and I are in counseling. Individual mostly, occasionally couple's counselling. Pumpkin should go, but doesn't.
Albert Ross
Well-known member
I'd echo this. Having seen the earlier parts of your thread, and if you'll pardon my saying so, SquishyHusk—it does indeed seem like you and your wife were having problems in your relationship and moving Pumpkin into your house was at least in part a way to alleviate them. Like, this wasn't three people all super enthusiastic about cohabitating and sleeping together deciding to form a triad?
So those problems (plus more, probably, including Pumpkin's) are still there, and still need addressed.
SquishyHusk
Active member
I agree that we are three broken people, and that is a bad start. This is definitely not the usual scenario. I don't think any of us thought things would go this way.
SquishyHusk
Active member
It's been a while since I've posted anything, so I thought I should post something. Things haven't really changed. Pumpkin and Cookie still spend most of their time together. I still feel like a third wheel sometimes. I enjoy the physical intimacy in the bedroom, but I wish I could have more outside of the bedroom. I've tried to have the conversion, but I guess it really just all comes down to that the girls enjoy their time together more than they enjoy time with me.
The girls went away together for Cookie's birthday and had a nice romantic weekend while I stayed home with the kid. They brought up that they would like to take a cruise together soon while I stay home with the kid. I don't feel good about it. Weekends away is one thing, but over a week away for a cruise just feels like too much.
For Mother's Day, I got cards, flowers, and gifts for both girls. I hope Pumpkin appreciates the recognition. I can't read her emotions sometimes, and if I ask what she is feeling, she just shrugs.
The benefit of having Pumpkin around was apparent when I had to take Cookie to the emergency room in the middle of night. (bladder infection that made it to her kidneys) It was convenient to have someone already at the house to stay with the kid.
The girls went away together for Cookie's birthday and had a nice romantic weekend while I stayed home with the kid. They brought up that they would like to take a cruise together soon while I stay home with the kid. I don't feel good about it. Weekends away is one thing, but over a week away for a cruise just feels like too much.
For Mother's Day, I got cards, flowers, and gifts for both girls. I hope Pumpkin appreciates the recognition. I can't read her emotions sometimes, and if I ask what she is feeling, she just shrugs.
The benefit of having Pumpkin around was apparent when I had to take Cookie to the emergency room in the middle of night. (bladder infection that made it to her kidneys) It was convenient to have someone already at the house to stay with the kid.