Trying out a triad

SquishyHusk said:
Maybe someone can shed a little light on something that is always in the back of my mind. My wife had never expressed any interest or attraction to the opposite sex. I imagine it was the emotional closeness that she developed with her friend that made her start to think, "What if?" and begin to entertain the idea of a sexual relationship. I asked her about it, and she said it's not so much that she is interested in women, it's that she's interested in Pumpkin. Cookie says she is surprised by how comfortable she is with lesbian sex and how much she enjoys it. It was certainly a shock to me.

I'm not sure what my question is, other than has anyone else realized a change in their feelings/preferences later in life? Has anyone else found themselves falling in love with someone they didn't expect to? What was that like?
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Evie answered this perhaps differently than you expected (and I could give a similar answer). But did you mean, "Has anyone fallen in love with someone of a GENDER they weren't previously attracted to?"
 
Magdlyn said:
Evie answered this perhaps differently than you expected (and I could give a similar answer). But did you mean, "Has anyone fallen in love with someone of a GENDER they weren't previously attracted to?"
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That is who I would like to hear from: someone that fell in love with a gender they had not previously been attracted to, but I wanted to leave it open to any situation. Maybe someone significantly older or younger, maybe a different look. Like if you had always been attracted to petite blonds, but met and fell for a tall redhead.
 
SquishyHusk said:
That is who I would like to hear from - someone that fell in love with a gender they had not previously been attracted to, but I wanted to leave it open to any situation. Maybe someone significantly older or younger, maybe a different look - like if you had always been attracted to petite blonds, but met and fell for a tall redhead.
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Well, my husband wasn't exactly my "type".
 
Evie said:
This is a pretty well documented phenomenon. Google will give you a heap of articles if you type in "late life lesbian" or "late blooming lesbian".
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Thank you for that suggestion. This quote stuck out to me

"So for some of these women, they authentically did not feel attracted to women before they met one particular woman that they completely fell in love with."​

I think that might describe my wife's feelings. Now, the question is, does this make me feel better or worse? That Pumpkin is such an amazing woman that Cookie fell completely for her. She'll say that doesn't make her love me any less, but I have to wonder. And of course while love may be infinite, time and attention are not.
 
Evie said:
Well, my husband wasn't exactly my "type".
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What was it that attracted you to him? What about him made you fall for him?
 
SquishyHusk said:
We have had one-on-one sex a few times, but her strongest orgasms always happen when Cookie is there - holding her, kissing her, looking into her eyes. Cookie has asked Pumpkin about the faces she makes at these times - Pumpkin confessed to Cookie that she is not accustomed to feeling so good with a man. But is it me or is it because she is looking at Cookie?
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I had a bit of a different situation where a monogamous couple with mismatched sex drives asked if I’d be willing to help satisfy the man’s sex drive. We’d been friends for years and I had no romantic attraction towards either and was sexually attracted to her rather than him, but I enjoyed the process of getting to know them in this new way as they took the time to learn about poly. When we initially started sexual involvement, he found that certain parts of his anatomy could not stay physically aroused without his wife present and him looking at her. He felt really awkward about it, but I thought it was endearing how much they love each other. Over time, my arousal towards him grew, he no longer had to have his wife present for him to stay physically aroused, and gradually love developed through sharing this very intimate aspect of our lives.

Your words about Pumpkin having her strongest orgasms when Cookie is there suggests she is able to orgasm without her there, so my guess is that some of it is you. Even if it did take Cookie’s presence, things evolve and change in relationships especially in the beginning as people get more used to the new dynamics and initial fears & anxieties start to dissipate. If everyone is having an enjoyable time, I don’t think there’s much need to parse out why people are enjoying it. Seems like trying to analyze it too much is a way to fuel anxieties and insecurities and reduce the fun accordingly. To me, it sounds like there is much mutual enjoyment to be had here.**

**all opinions and advice are 100% my personal bias, so all the usual disclaimers apply.
 
Midnight_Shaman said:
I had a bit of a different situation where a monogamous couple with mismatched sex drives asked if I’d be willing to help satisfy the man’s sex drive. We’d been friends for years and I had no romantic attraction towards either and was sexually attracted to her rather than him, but I enjoyed the process of getting to know them in this new way as they took the time to learn about poly.
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I would like to hear more about how you felt being with a couple. It's so strange to me that I'm not even sure how to put it to a question.
I guess the big question is: can a woman be truly happy being a in a committed, closed relationship with a married couple instead of having a primary wedded partner of their own? Maybe the trade off of having two partners is worth it?
Midnight_Shaman said:
Over time, my arousal towards him grew, ... and gradually love developed through sharing this very intimate aspect of our lives
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This gives me hope that even if Pumpkin doesn't love me, as time goes by she will. I love her already, for all that she has done for Cookie and the household, and our daughter. She has been a huge help and source of support. I love her for that. It's a different kind of love than I have for Cookie. I don't completely understand it.
 
Traveling again. Just finished video chatting with the girls. I don't know if talking to them makes me miss them more or less. A bit of both.
 
We were with Cookie's family for Thanksgiving. Pumpkin seems very comfortable there, which is nice for her because she is an only child, does not have a large family, and does not get along with her mom. She had a great relationship with her father, but he passed away when she was young.
Cookie and I have very large families, and I think Pumpkin really enjoys being a part of these large family gatherings.
I wonder if anyone suspects that she is more than a friend? Everyone knows that Cookie and I really do need help with childcare, so it is not unusual that we'd accept live-in help, but it still must seem strange?
Pumpkin calls Cookie's parents "mom and dad" - I wonder what she means by that? Does she feel like she is Cookie's wife, and these are her in-laws? Does she just wish she still had two parents of her own?
She calls me "husband", but it's played off as a joke. I wonder about her real feelings for me. She says she loves me, but most days I feel like a metamour. Cookie is the one that she loves, and I come as part of the package. Things were a lot more intense between Pumpkin and I before Cookie became comfortable with lesbian sex. Now things are much more intense between Pumpkin and Cookie. Maybe things will settle back towards the middle, but maybe not - Pumpkin has always prefered women.
It worries me a bit that if this relationship goes sour, Pumpkin will lose not only her girlfriend, but lose her best friend and her "family" all at once. I should be more positive, and not worry about what may happen.
 
I was reading about Eastern screech owls and found this fact interesting. I might have found my spirit animal.
Eastern Screech-Owl pairs usually are monogamous and remain together for life. Some males, however, will mate with two different females.
 
It's that time of the month again - and Cookie, Pumpkin, and the kid are still all in sync within 36 hours of each other. I'm making a lot of trips to the store to get more ice cream.
Pumpkin has already started the process to get an IUD. Cookie already has one and it has made her period very light. Pumpkin is hoping for the same.
 
Cookie seems to have gotten over any lingering hangups she had about girl-on-girl stuff. After my last trip, I was surprised to see Cookie give oral to Pumpkin. It's still strange to me to see my formerly hetero wife going all-in with this new relationship.
Pumpkin got tested for STDs and got an IUD so that we can have barrier free sex.
I hope Pumpkin has a good Christmas with us. She wasn't sure at first if she was included in "Family Christmas", but we told her that of course she is family. I don't think Pumpkin has many good Christmas memories. I hope to change that.
 
Cookie's mom made a quilt for Pumpkin. When she was presented with it, Pumpkin looked very uncomfortable. I guess she was surprised to realize how much she is appreciated.
 
SquishyHusk said:
I'm not sure what my question is, other than has anyone else realized a change in their feelings/preferences later in life? Has anyone else found themselves falling in love with someone they didn't expect to? What was that like?
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I (cis F) have had a few relationships with women. My first was a shock. I fell in love with my best friend. The relationships that followed were similar, in that I fell in love with the person; gender had nothing to do with it. I loved my relationships and the sex, but to this day I consider myself heteroflexible. I'm not innately sexually attracted to women and have no desire for it. I find some women sexy, and occasionally see some lips I'd love to kiss, but beyond that, I have no interest. But if I fall in love with a woman, then I enjoy fully all aspects of that relationship and the sex.

These all happened while I was monogamous, and each relationship ended because my desire to be with a man was too strong. I'm very attracted to men and love real cocks. I cannot stand dildos.

Since becoming poly, I've tried dating women, as I miss how it feels to be with a woman, but I just haven't connected to anyone. They'd be ready to go, while I was trying hard just to feel a connection. So I gave up. If I randomly fall in love with a woman again, I’ll be happy to be there. But I'm not going to try looking for it, because the natural attraction just isn't there.

What I miss the most is how women are just very different from men in how they touch, kiss, have sex, cuddle. Their skin feels softer, lips feel softer. It's just very different and wonderful.
 
Forgot “what was it like?”

The first time it was a shock and very confusing to me. It was all the feelings of being in love, without the attraction. Kissing her for the first time was wonderful, and scary as hell, as I didn't know what I was feeling or supposed to feel. But it was so nice. Her lips were so soft and unlike any man's lips I’d ever kissed before.

Sex was also confusing, as I had no real attraction, but I desperately wanted to give her amazing pleasure, and I wanted to experience that from her, as well. My desire for sex with her was very strong. I loved smelling her on me all day if we had sex in the morning.
 
@Bobbi , thank you so much for your perspective. It has helped me to gain some understanding into my wife's feelings for her friend.
 
With Valentine's Day coming up, I'm wondering what to do for the girls. Should I plan a dinner out for the three of us? Should I take each one out individually? Does Pumpkin really care if I take her out? I have trouble reading her feelings. I think her preference would be a romantic date with Cookie, but maybe that's just me being insecure. I have a hard time reading Pumpkin's feelings. Cookie says it's really hard for Pumpkin to open up to people because in her past relationships it wasn't always safe, so I shouldn't take it personally that she is slow to open up to me. All I can do is be supportive and wait.
 
SquishyHusk said:
With Valentine's Day coming up, I'm wondering what to do for the girls. Should I plan a dinner out for the three of us? Should I take each one out individually? Does Pumpkin really care if I take her out? I have trouble reading her feelings. I think her preference would be a romantic date with Cookie, but maybe that's just me being insecure. I have a hard time reading Pumpkin's feelings. Cookie says it's really hard for Pumpkin to open up to people because in her past relationships it wasn't always safe, so I shouldn't take it personally that she is slow to open up to me. All I can do is be supportive and wait.
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Valentine's Day is a fake consumerist excuse for the corporations to take your money so you don't feel bad about treating your SO like crap the rest of the year. Don't fall for it. It's a scam.
 
ref2018 said:
Valentine's Day is a fake consumerist excuse for the corporations to take your money so you don't feel bad about treating your SO like crap the rest of the year. Don't fall for it. It's a scam.
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Cookie at least has fallen victim to the brainwashing - if I don't do something special, she'll be upset. I've always hated how stores mark up everything like flowers and candy because they know men are expected to buy it.
 
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