Bluebird said:
I think a portion of my overall stress is actually attributable to WarMan - this weekend had some low points between us, though overall things were good...
So, anytime that one of Bluebird’s updates contains the above, you can bet that I’m not happy about it. (Not happy about the situation only. I'm glad Bluebird can write about it)
So, if you read Bluebird’s entry, you’ll know that my birthday didn’t go exactly as planned. A combination of health issues, first on her part, and then on mine made it kinda flop as far as any hoped for sexual connection went. We still got together, but Saturday morning at 6 AM is not my bag, and Sunday morning had the rushed feel it always seems to.
Aside from that though, the day Saturday went well, and I actually enjoyed walking around the graveyard searching for her stones. I found a grave and so did she, so the teamwork was in full effect. It was nice to help her with her genealogy.
Saturday night we went and spent a few hours with my friends who live in Lancaster. It was a nice, low key visit. I really like those guys. It’s always just relaxing to be myself and not worry about offending anyone. I couldn’t really tell if Bluebird was enjoying herself or not, she seemed in a bit of a hurry to leave, but we’d already had a long day, so it was probably just that.
During part of the drive back Bluebird suddenly said “You know, my guys won’t be mad at you if you decide to break up with me. “ To which I replied “huh?” It had never crossed my mind that they would be…nor had it crossed my mind that I should break up with Bluebird.
She immediately followed this up with the statement that’s been rolling around in my head ever since. She said “I expect that when it comes time for me to move you’ll just decide to break up with me and stay here.”
It left me stunned. At first I didn’t know what to say. What do you say when you’re holding hands with someone and enjoying the afternoon and they say that? I asked her why she believed that. She stated that I don’t like change (true enough) and that I’m too close to Monkey to want to leave. For a while I just drove and thought about it. I asked her why, if that was my plan, would I go and spend my entire date day with her looking at homes in Cumberland? She said that she thought that I wasn’t really planning to do it, but that was what I’d do anyway when the time came.
So I told her the truth. “I honestly haven’t decided yet what I’m going to do. It’s a big decision, and a scary one. If I go I will leave behind my loved ones, except for you. If it doesn’t work out I’ll have lost pretty much everything, you’ll only have lost me, you are taking your loved ones with you, and I’ll be leaving mine behind. I won’t have had years to get used to the whole Poly thing, like you and your guys have. It’s scary, but despite all that I want to be with you. I just need time to feel more comfortable in that decision.” I reiterated that at the beginning of our relationship, it was important that we talk about the future, so we could decide before we started if a future was even a possibility! Once we determined that it WAS possible, and that we did have a chance for the kind of future we both would enjoy best, I felt like I didn’t really want to discuss living together forever, at least not until a little time had passed. I’ve said it before, but I just need time to be boyfriend and girlfriend.
I think that Bluebird views the idea of cohabitation as the solution to my wish to spend more time together as boyfriend and girlfriend. Maybe it is. But we have a few months before we need to talk even about that! I just want to take it slow, and enjoy our time together, give it time to develop at a more natural pace. Until then I don’t want to discuss it beyond what we have already. We know that a future is possible, now I want to work on the present.
Her reply to all of that seemed to indicate that she didn’t really believe me, and she said “I’ve just decided to enjoy the time we have together.” which left me feeling really sad. I told her that I am a “rip off the Band-Aid”, instead of a “slow peel” kinda guy. I told her that if I had already made up my mind, we wouldn’t be dating any more. She seemed surprised at this. I meant it though, if I didn’t think we had a long term future, I wouldn’t be wasting my time here, I’d be out looking for the right person, or moving on with my life. I do think we have a possible future.
So, I’m not sure if I mentioned it, but about 2 years ago I broke my back. I had surgery to repair it, but because one of my vertebra was crushed, my back has never been right since. I haven’t been able to sleep in a normal bed since then, and I sleep instead in a recliner. Since I’ve started seeing Bluebird, I try to lay in bed with her for as long as I can. I usually stay until she is snoring, then I get up and sleep in my recliner. Even the act of lying down in bed can be painful. So, the reason I’m digressing is that Bluebird was willing to have sex Saturday night when we got back, but my back was so painful after a night of sleeping in a hotel bed, and a day of walking around, and riding in a minecart, and driving 4 hours, that my back was a wreck. There was no way I was going to be able to move, much less enjoy sex. So I had to say no. I feel like shit about my back. It makes me feel weak, and unmanly. Bluebird has other options. Guys who are fit and healthy and 10 years younger than yours truly. I hate feeling like she might be better off with someone else.
Bluebird said:
He is just so down and out about me loving him - sometimes it seems like he wants me to break up with him to spare him the heartache later when he is so sure I will dump him in the future. Sigh.
I’m not sure where this is coming from really. I have to think it’s a legacy of former boyfriends. I have been the person to end the majority of my relationships, and I always do it up front, in person, and clearly. (Band-Aid ripper, remember?) I assured her that if that was what I really wanted, I would do it myself, and without delay.
Since we returned I haven’t had much opportunity to talk to Bluebird. Work has been stupid busy, and I’m way behind after a week of vacation (and I was behind before I left, with 6x my normal ticket allotment) and a half day Friday. My boss’ patience is wearing thin, and I really need to catch up, so I’ve been limited to basically responding to things Bluebird sends. Monday I didn’t really hear from her, because she was on the road with Darkknight, and a large part of Tuesday she was doing the same, and catching up with her daughter.
On top of that, I’ve had something weird going on…My legs have been cramped solid for the last 2 days, but only my upper legs. It’s strange. Monkey felt my leg today, and thought that she was touching my cell phone, but it was my leg muscles, they are knotted hard as wood, and WILL NOT release. Last night I took 3 muscle relaxers and 2 Oxycontins and was finally able to sleep. When I woke this morning, it was mostly gone, but as the day went on, it returned and got worse. Tonight I took the muscle relaxers and pain meds again, and for a while, I was hopeful that I would be able to sleep, but it’s now 3:30 AM and I’m still awake. I was short in my goodnights tonight with Bluebird. I had made the mistake of going out to see Monkey, I was hoping that my legs would just be mildly bad, however at about 8 PM I couldn’t take it anymore and I left Monkey’s place and drove home in extreme discomfort. When Bluebird messaged me I was writhing in my chair from the pain, I wanted to be chatty, but I couldn’t concentrate on anything else. I was sad to read just now that she thought I was just brushing her off. Maybe when she sees the timestamp on this post, she’ll know I was serious. I’m still too uncomfortable to sleep, but I’m going to try.
I don’t know what to do for Bluebird. I love her, and I’m trying hard to make this work. I still have lots of my own demons to defeat, and doubts to overcome. But that’s my mindset, that I’m working to make this work out. I don’t want to break up with Bluebird, and I haven’t made up my mind to just play around and waste her time. Sometimes I think that this is hard for her, because both of her other boys were so gung-ho to live with her, that anything less from me feels like a failure to commit maybe?
Tonight Bluebird said that she loved me and asked me to respond in kind. I did, but I’m hoping she’ll read this as well.
Bluebird, I love you. More than I’ve loved anyone in a very long time. I feel like with you, I may have finally gotten it right. You make me happy and I love spending time with you. I’m looking forward to seeing you, and trying to make this all feel right again for you.