Bahalana
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Unicorns & Unicorn Hunters - Merged Threads, General Discussion
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Bahalana
New member
A unicorn in polyamorous circles colloquially refers to a single, bisexual woman, who is interested in forming a poly-fidelitous triad with an already established couple of a man and a woman. The choice of the label unicorn should demonstrate the perceived rarity of such individuals and the somewhat belittling and diminutive fashion that people looking for them are often viewed in by the polyamorous community.
If you need more explanation, I suggest you do a little research instead of asking. You could start by rereading this thread more carefully, because all of this could have been fairly well inferred, even though it was not explicitly stated.
If this sounds like it has a tone, sorry, it's only somewhat unintentional.
I agree with what everyone is saying. Me being mono, after about a month of dating my current gf, she told me she was polyamorous. (I already knew she was bi.) I am not sure where I will end up, but I am open-minded for right now. We have a great relationship started between us.
No one says you have to find them both at the same time. Try to find a relationship and see how they feel about the idea, just balance when you feel comfortable to tell them with how far the relationship is. You don't want to be falling down the slope of love and then them freak out and leave you all of a sudden. I will admit, I didn't talk to her for three days until the shock was over, but I came around.
No one says you have to find them both at the same time. Try to find a relationship and see how they feel about the idea, just balance when you feel comfortable to tell them with how far the relationship is. You don't want to be falling down the slope of love and then them freak out and leave you all of a sudden. I will admit, I didn't talk to her for three days until the shock was over, but I came around.
That is what we are looking for. My husband and I are looking for a fun-loving female, that wants to be a equal part of our family. We do not want a threesome, one night stand. We want to find a female that would like to live with us and become a complete triad. The life of a married couple but with three. We have tried friends, and it never seems to be more than a one-night stand. We are looking for someone that would like to talk about their day over supper, or just relaxing, snuggling, and laughing in bed.
Derbylicious
New member
A lot of couples want this. It's a really nice fantasy to have. It rarely happens though, because the more people you add, the more personalities and emotions you add. Although three adults can happily live as a family under one roof, it is rare that they will all be equally in love with each other. There may very well be love in all directions, but be prepared-- you may not all feel romantic love for each other.
Like RP said earlier, walk side by side with each other while you both go on your path to developing other relationships. You are two separate individuals who are part of a relationship. You are not a unit. You both have desires and personalities and preferences. Celebrate your differences. Enjoy the people who come into your life in whichever form. Enjoy the people for who they are. Maybe you will wind up in a triad and maybe you won't.
PSA brought to you by a reformed unicorn hunter.
I agree, no relationship has any guarantees. They are all work.
We have been friends since we were children. We went our different ways and have come back together as a family. We have a good life and a good relationship. We want more. We want to add to our love and family. I have a big family; he does not.
I do feel there will be some challenges, but what relationship don't have them? And with every challenge, there is talk and listening to work it through.
We have been friends since we were children. We went our different ways and have come back together as a family. We have a good life and a good relationship. We want more. We want to add to our love and family. I have a big family; he does not.
I do feel there will be some challenges, but what relationship don't have them? And with every challenge, there is talk and listening to work it through.
AutumnalTone
New member
Nope.
Unicorn hunters are typically folks looking for a sex toy to spice up their marriage, or a substitute for the therapist needed to shore up their failing relationship. Unicorn hunting, by and large (though not universally), is a sign that the couple really isn't ready for this poly thing.
If you really want to get involved with a couple, I'll suggest wooing each individual, separately. My wife and I don't date as a couple, nor arrive as a matched set, so the only way to get involved with both of us would be to pitch woo to us individually. I suspect that doing so with couples who aren't searching for a unicorn will prove more satisfactory.
Inyourendo
New member
I also agree to look separately. I wonder if it would be easier for a FF couple to find a good man.
CranberryStardust
New member
Whoa... I can relate! I just entered into a relationship with a couple for the first time, but I have nagging concerns that I am opening myself up and hoping for something meaningful and real, but they might only ever see me as a fun sexual "add on" to their real life.
I'm tired of being used, in general. It's fine if everyone involved is using each other in the same way, but hurts when you're the one wanting more. When I was twenty, being an object was fun and almost flattering. Now it makes me feel kind of hollow. Like I'm not real, you know? Literally an object.
I hope you find something healthy and fulfilling and all the love you need. There surely are couples out there who sincerely wish to open more than just their bedrooms to girls like us.
I'm tired of being used, in general. It's fine if everyone involved is using each other in the same way, but hurts when you're the one wanting more. When I was twenty, being an object was fun and almost flattering. Now it makes me feel kind of hollow. Like I'm not real, you know? Literally an object.
I hope you find something healthy and fulfilling and all the love you need. There surely are couples out there who sincerely wish to open more than just their bedrooms to girls like us.
BlackUnicorn
New member
This is such an important point! Families don't need romantic love to hold them together. And romantic love, too, comes in different shapes and sizes.
Not necessarily. While there probably is a larger pool of unattached straight/bisexual men out there interested in a FFM triad, the likelihood of mutual attraction happening at the same time in all directions remains small.
Take VanillaIce and me. Whereas she craves male companionship, I don't. In a sense, she is bisexual, while I'm homoflexible. So there would be the challenge of us finding a man I would find interesting enough to engage with on a romantic basis. Add to that, the fact that we are attracted to very different things in a man. She prefers bad boys, while I delight in men who have stereotypically-feminine pursuits or traits. And even if we were to find a chameleon of a man who is switch enough (personality-wise, not in a BDSM sense) to fit into our dynamic, he would still have to find us both attractive, interesting and worth his while to pursue.
Vanilla is funnily enough FWBs with my male partner Moonlightrunner. Whereas with Vanilla, I have this head-over-heels NRE thing going on, with Moonlight we settled very quickly in to a lot more established energy. I used to be in a triad with Moonlight and his wife Windflower, to whom I nowadays feel the loving care and concern I would towards a friend. Just because it's not the Hollywood romance times three doesn't mean it can't be great.
My girlfriend's a unicorn
Hi everyone. So, the title says it all, really. My wonderful girlfriend has a loving relationship with another couple.
I'd love to hear some perspectives or anecdotes on this topic, be it from someone in my position, from the unicorn's position, or from the other couples' position.
I fully support her and have gotten over the inevitable jealousy, well, mostly.
I would also like some advice about becoming closer with the couple myself. I know this may not be feasible, but it is something I'd like.
Thank you.
Peace and love to you all.
Hi everyone. So, the title says it all, really. My wonderful girlfriend has a loving relationship with another couple.
I'd love to hear some perspectives or anecdotes on this topic, be it from someone in my position, from the unicorn's position, or from the other couples' position.
I fully support her and have gotten over the inevitable jealousy, well, mostly.
I would also like some advice about becoming closer with the couple myself. I know this may not be feasible, but it is something I'd like.
Thank you.
Peace and love to you all.
Okay. So you have read others' stories about being either a couple with a single bi-female unicorn, or being the unicorn oneself?
You want advice about being the partner of a woman who is involved with a couple. You want to get closer to them. What does this mean?
I think we'd need more information. How long has your gf been with her couple? How involved is she? Are all three deeply in love, or is it early NRE days? Does she see them regularly? How long have you and gf been together? Is this both of your first foray into being poly? Have you socialized with her couple at all, not even talked to them yet?
You want advice about being the partner of a woman who is involved with a couple. You want to get closer to them. What does this mean?
I think we'd need more information. How long has your gf been with her couple? How involved is she? Are all three deeply in love, or is it early NRE days? Does she see them regularly? How long have you and gf been together? Is this both of your first foray into being poly? Have you socialized with her couple at all, not even talked to them yet?
lemniscate
New member
I agree with NeonKaos; an actual unicorn would be someone who only dates that particular couple, no one else. I also date a couple, but I'm married to a man I love, therefore, I'm not a unicorn. I just happen to date two people who happen to be married to each other. Thus, I am not good for advice from a "unicorn's" perspective, but if you're curious about anything relating to a woman, dating a married couple, I'll be happy to oblige. What do you specifically want to know?
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newpolyguy
New member
the unicorn search (please don't judge!)
I am rather new to poly, though my girlfriend is experienced in the lifestyle. We are a deeply committed couple; I am 34 (m), she is 24. She is bisexual, while I (unfortunately) am not. We allow each other intimacy with approved partners outside of our “primary-ness” (boys and girls for her, just girls for me, obviously). We are picky about our secondaries and don’t get involved with just anyone — we have pretty clear rules about that kind of thing — and as a result we find amazing secondary partners, for the most part, all of whom have inevitably become good friends with both of us. Needless to say, the trust factor is pretty high.
But our mutual favorite is the Unicorn … and she IS elusive, isn’t she? We've had a hell of a time finding a third, and we absolutely love triads. We have had two wonderful experiences with unicorns, but unfortunately, none that lasted long. One turned out to be a serial monogamist who pretended well, but was actually in between bad relationships, and dumped us for her new boyfriend (whom we had unwittingly encouraged her to pursue). The other woman, who is truly the “real deal,” and is as crazy about us as we are about her, lives across the country and can’t move away easily. She has kids. C’est la vie.
But we persist in our quest! Our acceptance level is high and our expectations are low. We don’t care too much about age, ethnicity, lifestyle, or any kind of poly-fidelity, as it were. We care about trust, communication, and love … and strongly believe in encouraging independence in our third partner as much as we encourage independence with each other. That includes her finding a committed primary of her own, if that’s her desire (though hopefully we could be included somehow in the equation!).
So my question: how can we find someone compatible without seeming creepy and/or overly-demanding?
I am rather new to poly, though my girlfriend is experienced in the lifestyle. We are a deeply committed couple; I am 34 (m), she is 24. She is bisexual, while I (unfortunately) am not. We allow each other intimacy with approved partners outside of our “primary-ness” (boys and girls for her, just girls for me, obviously). We are picky about our secondaries and don’t get involved with just anyone — we have pretty clear rules about that kind of thing — and as a result we find amazing secondary partners, for the most part, all of whom have inevitably become good friends with both of us. Needless to say, the trust factor is pretty high.
But our mutual favorite is the Unicorn … and she IS elusive, isn’t she? We've had a hell of a time finding a third, and we absolutely love triads. We have had two wonderful experiences with unicorns, but unfortunately, none that lasted long. One turned out to be a serial monogamist who pretended well, but was actually in between bad relationships, and dumped us for her new boyfriend (whom we had unwittingly encouraged her to pursue). The other woman, who is truly the “real deal,” and is as crazy about us as we are about her, lives across the country and can’t move away easily. She has kids. C’est la vie.
But we persist in our quest! Our acceptance level is high and our expectations are low. We don’t care too much about age, ethnicity, lifestyle, or any kind of poly-fidelity, as it were. We care about trust, communication, and love … and strongly believe in encouraging independence in our third partner as much as we encourage independence with each other. That includes her finding a committed primary of her own, if that’s her desire (though hopefully we could be included somehow in the equation!).
So my question: how can we find someone compatible without seeming creepy and/or overly-demanding?
redpepper
Active member
Wow, I don't think I have ever heard "unfortunately" in terms of not being bisexual. Most would say, "fortunately."
Awesome that you see it that way.It seems to be common amongst unicorns that they are not a long-term arrangement. Not to say that it doesn't happen, just that it is rare. I have found from listening here (if one could call reading listening, that is) that they are usually in between relationships, unable to take care of themselves financially or emotionally, or both, and are looking to be with the man as an end result; in a "vee."
There are triads that work, and work well. It seems that the ones that do evolved out of friendships over time and circumstance. Perhaps you are taking the wrong approach, and should look for poly friends without intent to date, but just to see what happens. The worst-case scenario would be you would develop a lovely community of friends around you, not too bad, I wouldn't think. Best case might be finding a suitable partner for a triad.
You should stead very well with these expectations. By the definition of unicorn, this is not the criteria for one. Unicorns are poly-fi. But whatever, you have obviously thought this out well and learned what you are looking for. If you are into semantics, then I would say you are looking to find a third for a triad, rather than a unicorn. It might help to put that out there instead, so that others who know the term don't think you want poly-fi.
Well, just don't be creepy and overly-demanding!
Seriously, I think that you could just sit back, relax; make some friends; enjoy who comes into your life and might go from your life; see where you go when you put what you want out there, but realize that it might take time.Doors open when they are ready to, in my experience with this. Forcing it doesn't seem to warrant success and seems to actually prohibit success. It sounds to me like everyone you have both dated has taught you something that will add to what you will eventually receive, if you ask for it. Be careful what you ask for, though, it might be that you are better off with what you get.
How does the Stones song go? "You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you get what you need." That has been my motto for years, and I am living in a happy functioning vee, with two other partners on top of that as a result (in my belief, anyway). Never thought I would get here, but enjoyed the journey! "Life is a journey, not a destination." There's another one for you.
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I'm currently in a triad relationship, as the unicorn. It wasn't something I went searching for. I've known the couple I'm dating for over 3 years now. Maybe it wasn't a natural evolution from friendship, but the friendship helped us form a solid foundation.
I guess I also don't fall into the typical "unicorn" mold. I came out of a relationship, but wasn't really in-between relationships. The previous relationship was more of a non-relationship.
I'm definitely financially and emotionally stable.
Oddly, I'd probably be perfectly happy in a monoamorous relationship, too.
I guess I also don't fall into the typical "unicorn" mold. I came out of a relationship, but wasn't really in-between relationships. The previous relationship was more of a non-relationship.
I'm definitely financially and emotionally stable.
Oddly, I'd probably be perfectly happy in a monoamorous relationship, too.