Unicorns & Unicorn Hunters - Merged Threads, General Discussion

unicorn definition from urban dictionary

Colloquial; Synonym for hot bi babe or HBB, often derogatory, condescending, or ironic. A bisexual person, usually, though not always, female, who is willing to join an existing couple, often with the presumption that this person will date and become sexually involved with both members of that couple, and not demand anything or do anything which might cause problems or inconvenience to that couple.

The term is often used to be dismissive of a couple seen to be only superficially polyamorous. Because of the demands that this type of couple places on the woman (that she be single and not take on any additional partners, and become involved with both members of the couple equally, and often "complete" their family as a surrogate mother, housekeeper and/or breadwinner, and not do anything that may threaten or disrupt the existing couple), many in the poly community call this type of woman a "unicorn," as in, mythical and not likely to be found, even though there are plenty of bi-poly women around.

Sometimes the unicorn is expected to not develop any emotional attachment and is strictly there for a sexual relationship (equally distributed to both members of the dyad) and/or is prescribed as a secondary. This term is used as a reminder that bi-poly women are people with their own desires, needs, and pre-existing lives, and not fantasy figures or pets. See related prescriptive vs. descriptive.

John wants a single, attractive woman, who will love and have sex equally with him and his wife, but not interfere with their marriage, move in with them, help raise their kids, but not have any of her own, and not have any other partners. He's looking for something that doesn't exist. He's looking for a unicorn.
 
I would say that you're a couple interested in the possibility of eventually finding yourselves in a triad with another woman, if it should happen to work out for all three of you, and while that may superficially look just like unicorn-hunting, it's actually radically different.

My take on the whole unicorn thing is that unicorns do not, in fact, exist. A unicorn is not a person, she's a couple's naive, idealized, unrealistic, and ultimately (maybe consciously, but usually quite unconsciously) self-serving *idea* of a woman. You sound like you're willing to see and accept a woman for whom she really is, and consider her needs and desires in a balanced, flexible, and realistic way, again, to my mind, completely different from unicorn hunting.

So, just make that clear when you're meeting women. When you've got a good vibe going, you can say something like, "Hey, you seem awesome. We're open to whatever might develop here, whether it's casual or serious, a vee or a triad, whatever actually works for all of us. Some day we both think it'd be really neat to form a triad with the two of us and a woman who dug us both, but that's only if it would actually make sense for all involved. We're not tied to that structure and aren't trying to dictate to you how things ought to go, whether or not you like one of us or both of us, who else you can see, or anything like that at all."
 
Unicorn

I posted the definition of unicorn because I saw it as not being true polyamory. Polyamory means loving more than one. This has a woman basically locked down as something between a servant and a lover. I could never see myself 'hunting' a unicorn. It just doesn't feel poly. Would I love to have a woman be part of our life? Of course. But I would not put any restrictions on her, anymore than is on anyone else in our partnership.
 
I think that once you get people who are in tune enough with polyamory that they're looking for a triad but aren't unicorn hunters, then all you're really left with is polyamorists.

I'm in a dyad currently. We'd both be interested in a triad, since she's a bisexual female and I'm a straight male, and we're both into threesomes (and other group sex) and would obviously enjoy anyone who was similar. That said, we're not unicorn hunters, because our relationship is totally open, it's not the unicorned poly-fi triad with all the classic unicorn-hunter conventions. We're basically two people who don't believe in sexual exclusivity, but enjoy sharing love with other people. While we would both LIKE a triad, it's not to the exclusion of the myriad other forms of love that are out there.
 
zylya, thanks for your refreshing thoughts. I was beginning to get a bit "unicorn-hunting saturated" this week, on many different levels.
 
I'm not surprised about saturation; there's a lot of it around! Fortunately for me, it's actually a very good "What No To Do" guide, if I am ever considering someone to join us as a third person.
 
Being a unicorn for the first time. New to polyamory.

Where to begin? First of all, I am writing this post because I want to be good to myself and to my lovers, and not fuck up just because I didn't write a post here and get some (hopefully) good advice from those with more experience.

If I don't get any insights, I am sure I will still navigate fairly successfully through my new relationships using the tools I finely honed in my marriage (which is now over, for many reasons, which can be boiled down to he wanted security and I wanted freedom, and we became incompatible). Communication, self-awareness, openness, consideration, understanding, commitment: I have all those things in spades.

What I don't have is experience in being a secondary. And it's been a long, long time since I experienced NRE. Heady stuff! I am pretty drunk on it, and I find it wonderful and exhausting.

Since separating from my husband, I have approached polyamory with a very open mind, not putting many parameters on what I want, just seeing what might be out there. I have been thinking about, reading about, and exploring polyamory internally for 3 years. I had a few threesome experiences, that didn't work out so well, with my ex-husband.

I met this amazing couple. I was mostly looking for a woman to explore with. I found a woman online who was married. She said they were looking for a woman together, but wanting to focus on the female-female connection. She and I met, and had an instant connection. A few days later, I met her husband. I had an instant connection with him too. We had a sexual threesome which blew my mind, as it was totally different from what I had experienced before.

I just felt like I fit. Like, here it is, this is amazing. This is the kind of relationship I had wanted to create in my marriage, but couldn't, because my husband wasn't open to it.

I tend to approach relationships very seriously. I think about the big picture. I had very few boyfriends before I met my husband, because I would quickly discern whether someone was a good fit for me or not, whether I could see myself with them in the long term. I like long-term, committed relationships, full of deep and meaningful connections, where you know each other really well, know the flaws and the quirks and the passions, and accept the person and are accepted, and you know it's real because you've been there long enough to see the real person and have them see you.

At the start of my polyamorous life, I decided to just try to see how more casual relationships felt for me: friends with benefits, or lovers kind of things. I don't know if I can do those kinds of relationships. I just want to get deep.

I have kids, so I'm starting to see how my time is very limited. When I would think about polyamory before, I would envision a house full of women living together and loving each other, a community of lovers supporting each other day by day. I'm discovering that I want to build something like that, or at least find primary people to build with.

So, here's the thing. I am used to being a in a monogamous relationship, where my partner and I are at the center of each other's worlds. Now I am in a relationship with a couple who are the center of each other's worlds. I want to be part of it. They are great at communicating, seem very good talking about emotions, and have experience with a triad. So I am pretty happy with where they're at.

But I don't know how serious I should get. It's new, there's NRE. I get that you can't go ahead and plan the rest of your life, the same with ANY relationship, even traditional heterosexual monogamy. But with hetero-monoamory, there's usually a concept of looking for someone to share life with, and trying to find a good fit for that. I don't have a good idea of what's being looked for here.

I want to find people to share my life with; live with; be a family with my kids with, in the context of being polyamorous, however that looks.

But I don't know if having a conversation about the possibility of that vision this early on is too much, too soon. Again, not making plans, but just kind of seeing if there's a shared vision there. Because they have an established relationship and a shared life already, and I am just really unsure about my place, and if my vision for what I ultimately want will fit there, and I don't know if I should wait to talk about it until we know each other better, so I don't freak them out.

Communication and honesty are great, but sometimes jumping the gun is just jumping the gun. So I don't know which to do. Let myself talk about the big picture, or just wait and try to calm myself and not have to have all the possibilities laid out? It's unknown anyway. Should I just leave it be and see what unfolds? Or is talking about what I want right from the start a good idea? And is it realistic? Or should I really just be looking for a single primary to share my life with, and go from there, to inviting other people in?

FYI, I am bisexual and really into both of them, and exploring the nuances of what I feel for each of them, separately and together. Also FYI, this is my second relationship with a woman. The first was very constrained by my ex-husband's boundaries/rules/guidelines. The first woman I had a sexual loving relationship with was living with us at the time. I loved all of it, except the constraints.
 
This is the get-to-know-you time.

It is perfectly fine time to go, "So, since we are getting to know each other, where do you see this all going over the next 6 months? Not making life-changing plans, but just to see what is and is not on the table here, before we get in too much deeper."

I like KISS: "Keep it simple, silly." Makes my life easier.
 
Single ladies using the term "unicorn"...

...and putting yourself out there as one, do you find that suddenly it's assumed you are the mythical girl that so many couples are seeking?

I'm new to all the terminology, but after reading maybe hundreds of profiles couples are putting out there, it certainly seems they are way way out there in their expectations!

I don't know about you ladies, but to me, so far, many of these couples really believe the myth! Then they get mad and go away. LOL

Just wondering, :rolleyes:
Denise
 
I'm not single, but I've been in the position of being so, and getting involved with coupled folks in various ways before. I would be really pissed off if anyone called me a "unicorn," because the connotations for unicorns (disposable, naive, being used) and unicorn hunters (self-centered, unrealistic, users) are all SO negative. For that same reason, I definitely wouldn't claim that title for myself. Calling myself a unicorn would also imply that I'm looking to get involved with both members of a couple equally, and I would never want to make that call before meeting the couple in question, and knowing for sure that 1) I actually had chemistry and compatibility with both of them, and 2) they actually had the space in their hearts and lives for the triad, and the dyads that would then be created, which of course, is so rare.
 
I agree, calling yourself a Unicorn implies a lot more than a single, bisexual female who wants a relationship with a couple.

Often it adds in an *exclusive* relationship where the couple stays dominant and only is with the single girl when it suits them. They make the rules, and the single girl is expected to live by them.

Yes, that's the stereotype, but you see it all too often, I'm afraid.
 
Apology

I sadly used the term "hunting" in a post long ago, when I first discovered this whole community. I just want to say sorry to all that were offended. I met a girl and it was a life-changing event. She was probably the most amazing girl I will ever fall in love with. It's not right to label her or any woman this. I will say, in the end, she was my beautiful muse, who inspired me and made me feel more love for all around me.
 
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I call myself a unicorn because it has been my FDP's term of endearment for me since long before we discovered the poly community.

I have to admit, learning the more negative terms associated with it (naive, pet, being 'hunted,' etc.), makes me really dislike it. I still let her call me that, because she has for such a long time (2 years +) and it has a totally different meaning to us. But I should probably stop referring to myself as such! (which means changing the title of my blog lol).
 
I call myself a unicorn in a lighthearted, joking way. I am a young, bisexual, polyamorous, reasonably attractive woman, and have been hit on by the "couple-seeking-third" more times than I can count.

I have absolutely no desire for this kind of relationship. I am a unicorn who is constantly hunted, but doesn't want to be caught. This unicorn likes her freedom!
 
lonely

Hey. Sorry to hear what you are going through. We have the opposite issue. We would love to find someone like you. My wife wants me to find someone she can hang out with outside the bedroom that can share our lives with us in and out of the bedroom. Maybe we aren't looking in the right places, or we live in the wrong place, but it seems much harder than it would appear.
 
Thoughts regarding "unicorns"

I too am sorry to hear that you have had such a hard time finding a couple that you fit with. It can be very frustrating. I don't understand why some couples don't just look for people that are looking for play partners, instead of pretending to want a relationship. I did the play thing for a couple of years while I was healing from a bad divorce.

Then I met a wonderful amazing man, who is everything I want, in a man. The only issue is, I'm bisexual, and need a female in my life, as well. I would love to have a female that would love us both, as an equal in the relationship, understanding that you can love more than one person, and it may be different, but as good and deep as you love the other person.

He and I have played with a few women that were good friends, but just looking to play. We both realized that's not what we want. There really isn't anything missing from our relationship. There is no reason to settle, or swing, so to speak. We are both past that. We want love, all the way around. So, just remember there are couples out there that want a real woman, with all her emotions, needs and desires.
 
We are a couple that is looking for that elusive unicorn, but we do not have those limitations that some of you talk about. We want to get to know the woman, and if all of us fit, have her join our family for life. It is more about the relationship than the sex for us. Sex is only a part of a relationship. It does not make one. We are just looking for the one to complete us, and share everything life has to offer.
 
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