Emm
Stealth Mod
Really? Sex on the side? That strikes me as hugely disrespectful of non-primary partners.
Unicorns & Unicorn Hunters - Merged Threads, General Discussion
- Thread starter Erosa
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Dagferi
Well-known member
Your co-workers would be lucky to have any partner if that is the advice they give.
I bet if their wives knew what they said or were present they wouldn't be dishing out such bs.
This sounds a bit like us
I lived with my best friend and her family while I was going through a break-up, and then as a single mom of a two year old. One day we joked about just becoming poly. A few days later we realized we were in love and not joking, and a month later we were a triad, raising three amazing kids together. We both stay home and take care of babies, the house, and eventual livestock. One offhand comment gave me a life I only could have dreamed of, and all six of us are better for it. Good luck.
I lived with my best friend and her family while I was going through a break-up, and then as a single mom of a two year old. One day we joked about just becoming poly. A few days later we realized we were in love and not joking, and a month later we were a triad, raising three amazing kids together. We both stay home and take care of babies, the house, and eventual livestock. One offhand comment gave me a life I only could have dreamed of, and all six of us are better for it. Good luck.
A quick update, we have been talking Celine very often. Beck awoke yesterday to feelings of doubt. She was letting “what-if’s” bring her down. She and I spoke about it all morning, which I think helped her somewhat. I then left for work and she spoke to Celine about it all. She wanted to be sure that Celine knew how she was feeling about this. It started with a text that said “Hey babe, I need to talk to you. I am having a rough time today, but I am in no way backing out of this relationship. I just have some concerns.”
The two of them spoke very deeply about reservations that they each have. Beck opened up about a fear of me and Celine falling in love and leaving her. Celine reassured Beck that she was in no way interested in either her or me without the other. She stated that she was only interested in this relationship if we all five were involved (us 3 and our two children). The answers she gave reassured both Beck and me that Celine is undoubtedly in this for the right reasons. Beck was very happy that she spoke with Celine about this. After their talk, Beck said “a lot of weight was lifted off my shoulders."
Celine then expressed two concerns of her own. The first was about her family. She wanted to keep this relationship from her family, for the time being. Her family is very Christian and controlling of her in some ways. She knows that the news of this relationship will, without a doubt, interfere with relationship with her parents. She doesn’t want to drive a wedge in their relationship, which is completely understandable. We all agreed to keep this from her family and even some of Beck’s family. Later down the road, when our relationship grows, we will revisit this agreement.
Secondly, Celine expressed her concern about herself, that is, what if one day she falls in love with someone else? Beck and I had already discussed this before and we relayed to Celine what we came up with. We let her know that she is not now, nor would she ever be, a prisoner of this relationship. She reassured us that she was in this relationship 100% and would never for a second look for that. I believe that she was wondering in case of “a Prince Charming/love at first sight” situation arose. We expressed to her that we expect commitment and that cheating would not be tolerated by any of us.
I believe that if any of us become unhappy with this relationship or with others, then that person should leave and find the happiness they deserve and/or desire. On the contrary, I believe that it is the duty of the other two persons to keep each of us happy and re-falling in love with each other.
Having us all on the same page leaves us each with some peace of mind. We are trying to get together and hang out more, but for unnamed reasons we haven’t been able to so. We do speak to each other many times daily.
The two of them spoke very deeply about reservations that they each have. Beck opened up about a fear of me and Celine falling in love and leaving her. Celine reassured Beck that she was in no way interested in either her or me without the other. She stated that she was only interested in this relationship if we all five were involved (us 3 and our two children). The answers she gave reassured both Beck and me that Celine is undoubtedly in this for the right reasons. Beck was very happy that she spoke with Celine about this. After their talk, Beck said “a lot of weight was lifted off my shoulders."
Celine then expressed two concerns of her own. The first was about her family. She wanted to keep this relationship from her family, for the time being. Her family is very Christian and controlling of her in some ways. She knows that the news of this relationship will, without a doubt, interfere with relationship with her parents. She doesn’t want to drive a wedge in their relationship, which is completely understandable. We all agreed to keep this from her family and even some of Beck’s family. Later down the road, when our relationship grows, we will revisit this agreement.
Secondly, Celine expressed her concern about herself, that is, what if one day she falls in love with someone else? Beck and I had already discussed this before and we relayed to Celine what we came up with. We let her know that she is not now, nor would she ever be, a prisoner of this relationship. She reassured us that she was in this relationship 100% and would never for a second look for that. I believe that she was wondering in case of “a Prince Charming/love at first sight” situation arose. We expressed to her that we expect commitment and that cheating would not be tolerated by any of us.
I believe that if any of us become unhappy with this relationship or with others, then that person should leave and find the happiness they deserve and/or desire. On the contrary, I believe that it is the duty of the other two persons to keep each of us happy and re-falling in love with each other.
Having us all on the same page leaves us each with some peace of mind. We are trying to get together and hang out more, but for unnamed reasons we haven’t been able to so. We do speak to each other many times daily.
There she came, galloping around, a sparkly unicorn!
It's a while since last time I checked this forum (2 years, sorry!). But over here is happening just weird stuff. I had to check this forum again.
We are 2.5 years now in our best friends sparkly tease something relationship. But bf and I had to put our feelings in the closet, and only adore our beloved friend.
It is working somewhere, but also frustrating.
And then, there was this sparkly unicorn out of nowhere; what???
Now the fight has begun between a unicorn and a wanna-be unicorn.
I get cautious by it, serious, is this happening? A young woman, beautiful, free, and she is into polyamory relationships; but she wants an even share. Not into us, but we are talking about this stuff. She surprised bf on his birthday and promised she will come over again soon to just crash on the couch, talking, watching a movie, sleeping on the couch with us.
Is this real? Serious? She is younger than us, but she seems pretty sincere and honest, just also trying to figuring this freedom of relationships out. What we feel she seems to feel too; we talked about it yesterday; she prefers a real polyamory relationship with a perfect triangle; something that we also feel. She wanted to try with a couple who were a few years younger than us (ow, and now I'm really feeling old!) but that didn't work out like I suspected. I read about polyamory, and I guess we are pretty close to accepting polyamory. But I know a lot of people do not want to share.
And what about the wanna-be unicorn? She loves to be a unicorn but she can't because of her own relationship. She now demanded a choice, and she has let my bf know that she desires to be no 1 after me. 2 years we are waiting and craving. We were teased, and left alone with our feelings. I really love her, adore her, but I also said, I respect her position. I don't want to get anything in between. We just want to be open and free to share this honest feeling of love.
So, I'm not jealous, but my dear friend gets jealous when a unicorn comes galloping around.
It's almost fiction, not happening, can't believe it. It was already like a movie scene that we got into something with my dear friend. The feelings do work, but the situation does not work.
I'm cautious. I'm not letting in someone just as simple as that. But really, it is like magic! For us it is more the bond and trust than just plain fun and sex. But only the thought of it is breathtaking.
It's a while since last time I checked this forum (2 years, sorry!). But over here is happening just weird stuff. I had to check this forum again.
We are 2.5 years now in our best friends sparkly tease something relationship. But bf and I had to put our feelings in the closet, and only adore our beloved friend.
It is working somewhere, but also frustrating.
And then, there was this sparkly unicorn out of nowhere; what???
Now the fight has begun between a unicorn and a wanna-be unicorn.
I get cautious by it, serious, is this happening? A young woman, beautiful, free, and she is into polyamory relationships; but she wants an even share. Not into us, but we are talking about this stuff. She surprised bf on his birthday and promised she will come over again soon to just crash on the couch, talking, watching a movie, sleeping on the couch with us.
Is this real? Serious? She is younger than us, but she seems pretty sincere and honest, just also trying to figuring this freedom of relationships out. What we feel she seems to feel too; we talked about it yesterday; she prefers a real polyamory relationship with a perfect triangle; something that we also feel. She wanted to try with a couple who were a few years younger than us (ow, and now I'm really feeling old!) but that didn't work out like I suspected. I read about polyamory, and I guess we are pretty close to accepting polyamory. But I know a lot of people do not want to share.
And what about the wanna-be unicorn? She loves to be a unicorn but she can't because of her own relationship. She now demanded a choice, and she has let my bf know that she desires to be no 1 after me. 2 years we are waiting and craving. We were teased, and left alone with our feelings. I really love her, adore her, but I also said, I respect her position. I don't want to get anything in between. We just want to be open and free to share this honest feeling of love.
So, I'm not jealous, but my dear friend gets jealous when a unicorn comes galloping around.
It's almost fiction, not happening, can't believe it. It was already like a movie scene that we got into something with my dear friend. The feelings do work, but the situation does not work.
I'm cautious. I'm not letting in someone just as simple as that. But really, it is like magic! For us it is more the bond and trust than just plain fun and sex. But only the thought of it is breathtaking.
ainmosninsomnia
New member
"Unicorn hunting"
I have really grown to hate this term. not the term unicorn, necessarily. it's not inaccurate. magical. hard to find. blah blah.
But we aren't hunting. we are happy on our own. our love is greater than us. isn't that the point?
We don't have a desire for a third because we need to fix something. nothing is broken. we don't want a woman to use for sex. we want the good, the bad, the whole relationship. a spiritual connection, whatever that really is.
"Couples privilege" is another one that bugs the hell out of me. you know what our privilege is? we have had the privilege of being together for a long time now. that means we are completely comfortable with one another. trust is easier. burps and farts flow freely. nakedness doesn't always mean sexy time. if you are new, this will take time. that's okay. that's what it is all about. it is worth it.
This primary/secondary bullshit is ridiculous. aren't we supposed to be the people who are tired of trying to fit everything inside a nice neat little box? we don't want a third for any of those reasons. we don't want to control anyone. we both like women. we both feel attraction toward women, both emotionally and physically. if we find a woman who likes us and we like them - behold! a potential relationship.
It may falter. it may fail, just like most of the relationships we have as monogamous or single people. it happens. we aren't all going to get along intimately like that. truth is, most people drive me crazy, drive her crazy, not in a good way. finding someone who doesn't is rare enough. finding someone who vibes right and is down for a triad relationship is even more rare, but when it vibes right, it is beautiful.
Not for the threesomes, or the more common twosomes within the triad, which are also beautiful, but because relationship building is beautiful. understanding another human being is beautiful. seeing their vulnerability. showing them yours. this is an amazing process. the most wonderful moments i have shared in our triangular moments are not the pornhub version of an FFM, but lying on the futon holding each other, listening to the rain. watching dr. who on the couch. waking up to a snoozing wife and our girlfriend watching cartoons and eating twizzlers for breakfast.
these are beautiful moments. those are relationship moments. and if you have ever felt the love of three people holding each other, without expectation, without presumption, without categorization, but three people holding each other, accepting each other as individuals, who for at least a time, can embrace and feel as one, with beauty and power, and wanting to be near that, and share that with those we love. that is the truth of the triad. that is the potential. this smashing round shapes in square boxes bullshit is painful to watch. we, of all people, should understand, that sometimes, happiness comes in unfamiliar shapes.
I get tired of my guy friends assuming pimpdom, my female friends assuming patriarchy. then the poly people assume couples privilege and unicorn hunting.
It is not all sunshine and roses. but for us, it feels natural. it feels right.
we aren't swingers. we aren't wide open poly. too complicated. too many people to look after, to care for.
We are "polyfidelitous" and we like women. it is simple really. why is our version of happiness better to judge and condemn than yours? we aren't dishonest, controlling, or only interested in sex. why assume such?
we don't believe in primaries and secondaries.. that's ridiculous. how can any successful, genuine and honest relationship between equals exist while maintaining some idea like this comes first and that comes second? if someone enters into a relationship with us, they are 1 of 3. this means their hopes and dreams are now important to us too. their happiness is ours.
like any relationship, it is about lifting up the one you're with, so that they may help you rise in turn. we will all be 33.33333333... % of the whole and give 100% of ourselves to one another.
There's a reason they are called unicorns. they are rare. but who would hunt such a rare creature? who would even capture it? one can only open the door to the paddock, and hope that one compatible saunters in. a unicorn is only "caught" when it wants to be. in other words - a unicorn only stays when it has found home. we want to be home for someone. there is no hunt in that. only hope.
I have really grown to hate this term. not the term unicorn, necessarily. it's not inaccurate. magical. hard to find. blah blah.
But we aren't hunting. we are happy on our own. our love is greater than us. isn't that the point?
We don't have a desire for a third because we need to fix something. nothing is broken. we don't want a woman to use for sex. we want the good, the bad, the whole relationship. a spiritual connection, whatever that really is.
"Couples privilege" is another one that bugs the hell out of me. you know what our privilege is? we have had the privilege of being together for a long time now. that means we are completely comfortable with one another. trust is easier. burps and farts flow freely. nakedness doesn't always mean sexy time. if you are new, this will take time. that's okay. that's what it is all about. it is worth it.
This primary/secondary bullshit is ridiculous. aren't we supposed to be the people who are tired of trying to fit everything inside a nice neat little box? we don't want a third for any of those reasons. we don't want to control anyone. we both like women. we both feel attraction toward women, both emotionally and physically. if we find a woman who likes us and we like them - behold! a potential relationship.
It may falter. it may fail, just like most of the relationships we have as monogamous or single people. it happens. we aren't all going to get along intimately like that. truth is, most people drive me crazy, drive her crazy, not in a good way. finding someone who doesn't is rare enough. finding someone who vibes right and is down for a triad relationship is even more rare, but when it vibes right, it is beautiful.
Not for the threesomes, or the more common twosomes within the triad, which are also beautiful, but because relationship building is beautiful. understanding another human being is beautiful. seeing their vulnerability. showing them yours. this is an amazing process. the most wonderful moments i have shared in our triangular moments are not the pornhub version of an FFM, but lying on the futon holding each other, listening to the rain. watching dr. who on the couch. waking up to a snoozing wife and our girlfriend watching cartoons and eating twizzlers for breakfast.
these are beautiful moments. those are relationship moments. and if you have ever felt the love of three people holding each other, without expectation, without presumption, without categorization, but three people holding each other, accepting each other as individuals, who for at least a time, can embrace and feel as one, with beauty and power, and wanting to be near that, and share that with those we love. that is the truth of the triad. that is the potential. this smashing round shapes in square boxes bullshit is painful to watch. we, of all people, should understand, that sometimes, happiness comes in unfamiliar shapes.
I get tired of my guy friends assuming pimpdom, my female friends assuming patriarchy. then the poly people assume couples privilege and unicorn hunting.
It is not all sunshine and roses. but for us, it feels natural. it feels right.
we aren't swingers. we aren't wide open poly. too complicated. too many people to look after, to care for.
We are "polyfidelitous" and we like women. it is simple really. why is our version of happiness better to judge and condemn than yours? we aren't dishonest, controlling, or only interested in sex. why assume such?
we don't believe in primaries and secondaries.. that's ridiculous. how can any successful, genuine and honest relationship between equals exist while maintaining some idea like this comes first and that comes second? if someone enters into a relationship with us, they are 1 of 3. this means their hopes and dreams are now important to us too. their happiness is ours.
like any relationship, it is about lifting up the one you're with, so that they may help you rise in turn. we will all be 33.33333333... % of the whole and give 100% of ourselves to one another.
There's a reason they are called unicorns. they are rare. but who would hunt such a rare creature? who would even capture it? one can only open the door to the paddock, and hope that one compatible saunters in. a unicorn is only "caught" when it wants to be. in other words - a unicorn only stays when it has found home. we want to be home for someone. there is no hunt in that. only hope.
FallenAngelina
Well-known member
This is a lovely concept in a beautifully well-written and thoughtful post. I don't really subscribe to the monkey social hierarchy model, either, but I do understand the purpose, which is to maintain social stability and peace of mind for all involved. Simply loving people without ascribing status to one another is the rarest unicorn of all.
Welcome to the forum. Looking forward to hearing more from you.
Inyourendo
New member
Yep, finding a single woman who is okay entering into a relationship with an established couple, and not being able to have a partner of her own and have the same feelings for the male and female of the couple is rare. It's also rare that a couple treats the unicorn as an equal partner and they don't have couples rights. I wonder who gets dumped when it's not working out for one of the couple. Do they just accept now they are in a polyfidelitous vee? Usually not. It's the unicorn who likely gets the boot. It's the unicorn not on the lease, not on the bank account, not included in extended family functions, left out at work functions, not allowed to have a child. It's no wonder a poly woman wouldn't want to enter into polyfi.
opalescent
Active member
Unicorn hunting gets such a bad reputation because it is often done by couples who haven't fully thought out what they can offer, and what they can't, how they will handle the hard times, how to take responsibility for their emotions and reactions. Treating secondaries as disposable who get booted when things are hard, that's a thing that happens more often than I like.
It doesn't read to me that you two are 'typical' unicorn hunters. And that's awesome. But some thoughts came to me while reading the post.
Couple privilege is real, and it's not just based on length of time together, although that is part of it. There are advantages to being in a couple that are not given to single people in our society. (I'm assuming you are in the US, but I suspect this is true throughout the West.) And being in a relationship with a couple doesn't convey those advantages to the third person. There are potential imbalances that can be deadly to relationships if not openly recognized and coped with.
Of course, you two (I assume it's a couple account) may be those equally rare couples who are taking responsibility, working on their stuff, and being open to possibility. You do sound more aware than most, which is great.
It's worrisome to me you don't want to acknowledge that you do indeed have couple privilege. Having privilege doesn't make you a bad person, or a bad couple. It just means you have things that others do not solely because of who you are. Just about everybody has some form of privilege, for instance, I'm white and middle class. That comes with a whole load of things I didn't earn, that have nothing to do with me as a person, but everything to do with the meaning and value society assigns to my skin tone and how much money I make.
Couple privilege is the meaning and value society assigns to being a couple. You share in it, as do I when I'm in a couple, automatically, through no fault of your own. That said, I believe we have a responsibility to be cognizant of the privileges we have. We can't get rid of them alone, but we can be aware and take steps to reduce their impact in our lives and in the lives of others. You may be doing this already. It sounds like it, to a degree. It can only deepen your relationships with each other and with others to do so consciously.
It's not a fun process. Once you go down that rabbit hole you start seeing all the privileges you have, which is disturbing. We all like to think we got where we are through hard work and dedication, don't we? But it is real, and dealing with the real is the first step to building a real and true relationship.
There are women out there who want exactly what you are offering-- connection with a man and a woman who are a couple (assuming you are an opposite sex couple). They certainly exist, I've met a few. But that means you are going to be compatible with a tiny, tiny fraction of the population. You want a woman who is bisexual, single, whom you find attractive, wants to be with people in a couple, finds both of you equally attractive, and wants to be in a relationship with only you two for however long the relationship lasts. You can see the order of difficulty here, yes?
And I do wonder what will happen when your third wants to date others, or wants to have children and you two do not (or you want to have children and she is not interested in being a parent or co-parent).
What if someone gets pregnant unexpectedly?
What will happen if one of you is more sexually attracted to or romantically interested in one of the others and things get unequal? That could happen to any one of you. We see that scenario play out all the time here.
What if someone loses their libido, for whatever reason?
What if your wife wants to date a man?
What if you want to date a man?
What if you have to move for work? What if she does?
Can you only be in a relationship as a couple?
Can you only be poly-fi? Or are they something you can work through?
Some of these scenarios, and others I haven't thought of, these are just the more common permutations that will happen in some way.
What you want is lovely and romantic and not completely impossible. But it is really hard to sustain long term without being willing to adapt to the curveballs life throws, in ways that may be really uncomfortable, unlovely, and unromantic.
It doesn't read to me that you two are 'typical' unicorn hunters. And that's awesome. But some thoughts came to me while reading the post.
Couple privilege is real, and it's not just based on length of time together, although that is part of it. There are advantages to being in a couple that are not given to single people in our society. (I'm assuming you are in the US, but I suspect this is true throughout the West.) And being in a relationship with a couple doesn't convey those advantages to the third person. There are potential imbalances that can be deadly to relationships if not openly recognized and coped with.
Of course, you two (I assume it's a couple account) may be those equally rare couples who are taking responsibility, working on their stuff, and being open to possibility. You do sound more aware than most, which is great.
It's worrisome to me you don't want to acknowledge that you do indeed have couple privilege. Having privilege doesn't make you a bad person, or a bad couple. It just means you have things that others do not solely because of who you are. Just about everybody has some form of privilege, for instance, I'm white and middle class. That comes with a whole load of things I didn't earn, that have nothing to do with me as a person, but everything to do with the meaning and value society assigns to my skin tone and how much money I make.
Couple privilege is the meaning and value society assigns to being a couple. You share in it, as do I when I'm in a couple, automatically, through no fault of your own. That said, I believe we have a responsibility to be cognizant of the privileges we have. We can't get rid of them alone, but we can be aware and take steps to reduce their impact in our lives and in the lives of others. You may be doing this already. It sounds like it, to a degree. It can only deepen your relationships with each other and with others to do so consciously.
It's not a fun process. Once you go down that rabbit hole you start seeing all the privileges you have, which is disturbing. We all like to think we got where we are through hard work and dedication, don't we? But it is real, and dealing with the real is the first step to building a real and true relationship.
There are women out there who want exactly what you are offering-- connection with a man and a woman who are a couple (assuming you are an opposite sex couple). They certainly exist, I've met a few. But that means you are going to be compatible with a tiny, tiny fraction of the population. You want a woman who is bisexual, single, whom you find attractive, wants to be with people in a couple, finds both of you equally attractive, and wants to be in a relationship with only you two for however long the relationship lasts. You can see the order of difficulty here, yes?
And I do wonder what will happen when your third wants to date others, or wants to have children and you two do not (or you want to have children and she is not interested in being a parent or co-parent).
What if someone gets pregnant unexpectedly?
What will happen if one of you is more sexually attracted to or romantically interested in one of the others and things get unequal? That could happen to any one of you. We see that scenario play out all the time here.
What if someone loses their libido, for whatever reason?
What if your wife wants to date a man?
What if you want to date a man?
What if you have to move for work? What if she does?
Can you only be in a relationship as a couple?
Can you only be poly-fi? Or are they something you can work through?
Some of these scenarios, and others I haven't thought of, these are just the more common permutations that will happen in some way.
What you want is lovely and romantic and not completely impossible. But it is really hard to sustain long term without being willing to adapt to the curveballs life throws, in ways that may be really uncomfortable, unlovely, and unromantic.
As a bisexual woman, I've given much thought to whether I ought to date couples. There's a large swinger's community where I live. So if I chose to have threesomes, boy, would I be popular. 
Ultimately, based on my own personal experiences in triads, plus things I read here and other places, I have decided I will not date couples. I might date both members of a couple, but not if they insist on being a "package deal." And I seriously doubt I'd ever agree to poly-fidelity with an already established couple. I want to choose my own partners to suit my specific life, my desires, my tastes and needs, rather than have someone chosen for me in an agreement that was made before I ever even arrived on the scene.
Sometimes, the male-female couple looking for their "third" comes off as insulting, as they seems to assume my (bi)sexuality might be put into the service of "enhancing" their heterosexual relationship. Yes, I find it annoying that so many bi woman seek other bi women strictly to "share" with their man. Like many quality women who like men, I usually have my OWN man around, and I would NEVER expect a woman I liked to have sex with him. To me, it cheapens the same-sex connection to insist on having someone's guy in the mix.
My actual experiences in long-term triads have taught me that I will always want one member of a couple more than I want the other. My longest triad (2 years) was me in love with the woman, and her boyfriend was my FWB. They weren't an already-established couple when I joined them (None of my triads have gone down that way, actually.) I was dating him first, then she came along, and we both fell for her.
She loved me, but she was in love with him, and believe me, I felt the difference. He and I weren't in love. But I felt that if I stopped sleeping with him, I'd have to spend less time with her. (We all slept in the same bed every night, her in the middle.) Eventually, I got tired of threesomes when I didn't really want the guy around, and tired of feeling like a third wheel, and I left the relationship. They're married now.
OP, there's nothing wrong with wanting what you want, how you want it, but maybe this helps you understand some of the resistance you're meeting, from the perspective of a potential "unicorn."
Ultimately, based on my own personal experiences in triads, plus things I read here and other places, I have decided I will not date couples. I might date both members of a couple, but not if they insist on being a "package deal." And I seriously doubt I'd ever agree to poly-fidelity with an already established couple. I want to choose my own partners to suit my specific life, my desires, my tastes and needs, rather than have someone chosen for me in an agreement that was made before I ever even arrived on the scene.
Sometimes, the male-female couple looking for their "third" comes off as insulting, as they seems to assume my (bi)sexuality might be put into the service of "enhancing" their heterosexual relationship. Yes, I find it annoying that so many bi woman seek other bi women strictly to "share" with their man. Like many quality women who like men, I usually have my OWN man around, and I would NEVER expect a woman I liked to have sex with him. To me, it cheapens the same-sex connection to insist on having someone's guy in the mix.
My actual experiences in long-term triads have taught me that I will always want one member of a couple more than I want the other. My longest triad (2 years) was me in love with the woman, and her boyfriend was my FWB. They weren't an already-established couple when I joined them (None of my triads have gone down that way, actually.) I was dating him first, then she came along, and we both fell for her.
She loved me, but she was in love with him, and believe me, I felt the difference. He and I weren't in love. But I felt that if I stopped sleeping with him, I'd have to spend less time with her. (We all slept in the same bed every night, her in the middle.) Eventually, I got tired of threesomes when I didn't really want the guy around, and tired of feeling like a third wheel, and I left the relationship. They're married now.
OP, there's nothing wrong with wanting what you want, how you want it, but maybe this helps you understand some of the resistance you're meeting, from the perspective of a potential "unicorn."
For what it's worth, your post could almost have been penned by me, so you're not alone in how you feel. I don't ever expect it to be easy, perhaps so much so that I will never find it. Some of the posts above describe from experience just what hurdles there are to overcome. But your post describes just what I hope might develop in my relationships. I don't doubt, however, that in all likelihood, I will probably have to settle for something short of that hope but one can at least hope, and enjoy the ride.
Our unicorn, I think, shares your and my view. My partner is perhaps more of a hunter, so far, at least. It will be interesting to see how things pan out, and frankly, that I have only part of a hand on the tiller makes it even more exciting to see what will unfold. Sure, clicking your fingers might be nice, but where would the fun be in that? No one ever said beautiful things should be easy. And if they are never to be realised, then so be it; the journey itself will have to suffice.
Our unicorn, I think, shares your and my view. My partner is perhaps more of a hunter, so far, at least. It will be interesting to see how things pan out, and frankly, that I have only part of a hand on the tiller makes it even more exciting to see what will unfold. Sure, clicking your fingers might be nice, but where would the fun be in that? No one ever said beautiful things should be easy. And if they are never to be realised, then so be it; the journey itself will have to suffice.
IndieSolo
Active member
No, a unicorn is not rare. It is mythical, unreal, non-existent. There is no such thing as a unicorn. When someone is called a unicorn hunter, it means they are searching for something impossible to find. It is an insult, true, but it came to be used for a reason. Women are not unicorns. Nor should anyone be sought after to "complete" someone's male-female relationship. If you are part of a couple who wants a relationship with a woman, it does not automatically make you a unicorn hunter -- but if your expectations are unrealistic, ridiculous, and set you as the existing couple in a superior position over the woman who has "joined" you (a "Couple Plus One" dynamic), that is why you would be called unicorn hunters and scolded for operating out of couple privilege.
As another note, please use capitalization in your posts. All lower case letters is a pain in the ass to try and read. Thanks.
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Candiedlove
New member
Not having a partner "of her own"? If she's poly, wouldn't her partners normally have other partners? So what if her partners also happen to be dating/attached to each other?
Inyourendo
New member
From what I've seen, most couples who are searching for unicorn want a single bisexual woman to share and she is only allowed to be with the couple.
AnnabelMore
Active member
There's a reason these terms and their negative connotations exist. If you'd rather wax poetic about your relationship and act indignant than seek feedback about why exactly so many solo poly people find the idea of a couple seeking a single woman for a polyfidelutous relationship distasteful, well... *shrug* I'm past trying to change the minds of people who are at where you're at. Suffice to say, you think you're offering a good deal, but you're actually offering a situation weighted against your potential new partner in every way, even if you can't see that.
Just a couple notes to add.
The whole point of privilege (as a concept) is that when you recognize that it exists, you develop a better ability to have compassion for and connection with people who don't have it. It helps open your eyes to their experience.
If you want to take the position that there will be no couples privilege, does that mean that you will be out of the closet in every aspect of your life? Will your immediate and extended family know that the girlfriend is part of your family? Your boss, your coworkers? Will you ask for a "plus two" whenever you get a "plus one" invitation?
And what if she isn't comfortable being out? How will you negotiate that?
I've sometimes wondered, when someone who is coupled and married is seeking a third to be in a triad, would they ever consider maybe taking turns with who gets to be married-- every 3 years, the married couple divorces and a different couple gets to marry?
I say this only to say that absolute equality is not actually what most people want. In the healthiest poly relationships (and pods and entanglements) I've seen, each relationship finds its own level. People treat each other fairly and honestly, but not equally. And when things aren't equal, people tend to manage their feelings better when there's an acknowledgment of it.
You say that you are polyfi. Would you be willing to date a poly woman who wants to be in a triad with you, but doesn't want it to be a closed triad? (Allowing some openness for her is one way some folks balance out the impact that the couples privilege has on her.)
I think one reason people tend to lean towards fantasy terms when it comes to these sorts of idealized relationships, is that they are so. very. idealized. You lay on a few too many layers of roses and sunshine, and it starts to sound like a fairy tale.
The whole point of privilege (as a concept) is that when you recognize that it exists, you develop a better ability to have compassion for and connection with people who don't have it. It helps open your eyes to their experience.
If you want to take the position that there will be no couples privilege, does that mean that you will be out of the closet in every aspect of your life? Will your immediate and extended family know that the girlfriend is part of your family? Your boss, your coworkers? Will you ask for a "plus two" whenever you get a "plus one" invitation?
And what if she isn't comfortable being out? How will you negotiate that?
I've sometimes wondered, when someone who is coupled and married is seeking a third to be in a triad, would they ever consider maybe taking turns with who gets to be married-- every 3 years, the married couple divorces and a different couple gets to marry?
I say this only to say that absolute equality is not actually what most people want. In the healthiest poly relationships (and pods and entanglements) I've seen, each relationship finds its own level. People treat each other fairly and honestly, but not equally. And when things aren't equal, people tend to manage their feelings better when there's an acknowledgment of it.
You say that you are polyfi. Would you be willing to date a poly woman who wants to be in a triad with you, but doesn't want it to be a closed triad? (Allowing some openness for her is one way some folks balance out the impact that the couples privilege has on her.)
I think one reason people tend to lean towards fantasy terms when it comes to these sorts of idealized relationships, is that they are so. very. idealized. You lay on a few too many layers of roses and sunshine, and it starts to sound like a fairy tale.
AnnabelMore
Active member
I was inspired by Becca's thoughts on the impossibility of pure equality to return to something LoveBunny said which matches up very well with my own experience -- "My actual experiences in long-term triads have taught me that I will always want one member of a couple more than I want the other."
No two relationships between adults are going to be exactly equal, because we're all unique individuals and we connect in unique ways. While initially you might feel equal passion and connection to two people, over time the chances are extremely good that you will feel more for one than the other. To the OP, would you be ok if the third member of your planned closed triad ending up being in love with one of you and not the other? Or would you break up with her at that point because it doesn't match your vision of what you were seeking? Or what if one of you ends up feeling more for her than you do for the other member of the "original" couple? Would you consider that a betrayal? Have you grappled with these very very real (even nigh-inevitable, it would seem, from the many stories I've read on these boards) possibilities?
No two relationships between adults are going to be exactly equal, because we're all unique individuals and we connect in unique ways. While initially you might feel equal passion and connection to two people, over time the chances are extremely good that you will feel more for one than the other. To the OP, would you be ok if the third member of your planned closed triad ending up being in love with one of you and not the other? Or would you break up with her at that point because it doesn't match your vision of what you were seeking? Or what if one of you ends up feeling more for her than you do for the other member of the "original" couple? Would you consider that a betrayal? Have you grappled with these very very real (even nigh-inevitable, it would seem, from the many stories I've read on these boards) possibilities?