Unicorns & Unicorn Hunters - Merged Threads, General Discussion

My mistake

D/hubby

I'm sorry for not reading all the rules etc. As I've said previously, my wife K is more familiar with forums than I am, and that was something we've not come across before now. Considering time to be of the essence here, I took it upon myself to create this account. It is my mistake and I'm sorry.

However, if you will indulge me a few thoughts before we change or add another account... We came here as a couple with questions for a couple and honestly, we would prefer to keep it that way.

We have seen others on here who may not have couples accounts, but have a long list of interrelations in their signature. We would prefer not to do something like that.

We have taken the time, as we've developed our posts, to signify who is writing and responding, and would continue doing so if allowed to maintain this account as such. K did check the guidelines, and others have been able to keep a couple's account as long as they also identify who is posting.

As we consider this a shared situation and we communicate what we intend to write with each other before posting, it is also easier for us to do so through one account. Since we have nothing to hide from each other or our gf it would be easier for us at this time to continue on with this account for the time being.

If this is still unacceptable then we will change and adapt, and may want to do so in the future anyway. But, for now, we would like the consideration that we are here as a couple and permission to remain as such.

Thank you,
D/ hubby
K/wife
 
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WeWerentHunting said:
We have taken the time as we've developed our posts to signify who is writing and responding and would continue doing so if allowed to maintain this account as such.
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Just interjecting here that it's more than a rules thing that each post here should come from an individual. You are individuals, and even though you have many shared views, your thoughts are always your own, from your own unique perspectives. Yes, you're a couple, but people get to know each other individually. It's just how a community works. Posts from a couple are as odd as hearing two people speak in unison after having conferred. It's conversationally bewildering on many levels. I strongly encourage you to assign this account to one of you and create a new one for the other.

Many of us have convoluted or fluid situations and don't post a who's who in our sigs. You need not feel compelled to do so. It's optional.
 
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Also, I know this is personal, and I am by no means inferring that other people have this problem with it but, by being SO couple focused and couple-centric, you really are not giving the impression AT ALL that any other person would ever be able to be anything but an optional extra to you both. By being unwilling to even work as individuals on a forum, how is your girlfriend able to relate to you as individuals IRL? Do you employ the same couple front to her? If that is the case, there can be no real intimacy, because she is working with a unit, a 'we,' rather than a 'me.' It is a block to intimacy, both in a virtual sense and a real sense.

Nothing else hinders free-flowing communication so much as when you can't be certain who you are talking to. I find couple profiles very problematic, and I have never been able to talk as intimately to them as to others.

Just another thing to think about.
 
"WeWerentHunting" currently have a shared gf with whom they imagine only having threesome sex, never one-on-one, even though the husband is probably about to take a job 1000 miles away for 5 months. That is sounding difficult to me, and something they have in common with couple-centric unicorn hunters.

Here is their new thread:

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=73829
 
It's funny the biases that exist everywhere. I'm not a unicorn hunter. I don't identify as bisexual. I consider myself sexually fluid, but leaning more heavily toward straight. That said, I've been on both sides of the fence. I've had people (okay, mostly men) assume because I've had a gf and played with other girls in college, that I am always up and willing for a threesome. I've also had a number of poly people (irl @ meetups and such), side-eye me, or even call Blue and me unicorn hunters because we were in a FMF triad for six months. Honestly, I have to say I find the latter more discouraging. We aren't unicorn hunters.

The poly people I've met irl tend to, for the most part, be more open-minded, more informed, and less judgmental about non-mainstream relationship styles and sexual practices. So, it always stings when it happens. It doesn't happen frequently, but enough that it's irritating.

Just for clarification, I'm in a relationship of just over a year with my bf, Blue. A few months into our relationship, he started dating Snow. He introduced us several weeks later. Snow and I clicked. We three started hanging out occasionally, and then Snow and I started hanging out separately from Blue. One night, after a couple drinks, we all just kind of ended up together, and that began a six-month relationship.
 
PinkPig said:
... I'm in a relationship of just over a year with my bf, Blue. A few months into our relationship, he started dating Snow. He introduced us several weeks later... Snow & I clicked. We three started hanging out occasionally, and then Snow and I started hanging out separately from Blue. One night, after a couple drinks, we all just kind of ended up together and that began a six-month relationship.
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And now Snow is gone from both your lives, after just six months?
 
Magdlyn said:
And now Snow is gone from both your lives, after just six months?
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Yes and no. She moved away (unrelated to us.) The move, combined with a contentious custody battle, prompted her to end things. We do still keep in touch. Not that it matters, but she isn't dating because she's focusing on her new job, kids, and the custody battle.
 
D here.

There is so much to this now that we are feeling quite overwhelmed. We are taking great pains to express ourselves as clearly as possible.

People here, where it should be safe to express oneself without fear of judgment, seem to be incapable of reading through posts, and pick and choose what they want to to accept or not. This is really turning K off. We are both on the verge of leaving this forum due to feelings of misunderstanding and attacks on our statements, as though they were disingenuous.

We have come here to find help in dealing with the turmoil of our situation and are finding ourselves in a defensive posture that is rapidly becoming more difficult than our current situation.

We understand that we can just skip over these comments, but don't feel that many of these comments are helpful to us, or to others.

We respectfully request that people go back through and read all of OUR posts before sharing their two cents. Our threads are not so long as to create such difficulties in reading or understanding. We have tried to address all the questions posed to us, but are finding many to be already answered and ignored.

We understand that we may have inadvertently not followed the forum guidelines and will consider adjusting ourselves to conform. But we also feel that much of what is being said has been counter-productive, and we would like for that to change.

Thank you,
D
 
If there's anything I've done to make your stay here more difficult, I hope you'll let me know. FWIW, it's fine by me if you want to use one account for both of you (although I am not a mod).
 
WeWerentHunting said:
We understand that we may have inadvertently not followed the forum guidelines and will consider adjusting ourselves to conform. But we also feel that much of what is being said has been counter-productive, and we would like for that to change.
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It's not about conformity. It's that your insistence on posting as a couple undermines your integrity. I think you'd get a much warmer reception if you did not position yourselves as a couple-who-isn't-really-hunting in every post. If you're sincere about being part of the community, why not just make two user accounts and be the separate, unique individuals that you actually are? I think the reception you're getting has a lot to do with the couple posting. Honestly, no matter your words, it really comes off as insincere.
 
WeWerentHunting said:
We are sharing with each other before we comment about anything, whether it's here, or while texting our gf.
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I'm a bi female, so I get contacted by couples a lot. Can I confess that it creeps me out immeasurably when a couple speaks to me as if from a "hive mind"? How can a woman form a relationship with you individually if you insist on speaking as one mind? It's creepy that you two plot out what you're going to text your gf together. That approach definitely highlights that you're the couple, and she's the third.
 
Unicorn hunting notwithstanding, this used to creep me out in general.

I had a friend in college whose gf (now-wife) would hang out in the background when mutual friends would call him on the phone. Just... why?

I didn't like when friends had shared FB accounts, because you never really knew who you were talking to. You were forced to interact with both people every single time you wanted to interact with one. I've got a joke I know one member of the couple will like? I gotta share it with both. I felt forced into being in a relationship/friendship with the both of them, when it could have BEEN a friendship if it hadn't been forced.

I'm FB friends (and real-life friends, but a bit less often) with plenty of my friends' spouses, due to having individual interactions with them and liking them as people, not because I'm forced to interact with one when I interact with the other.

It can be pretty intimidating, as well, although I don't really see that as a problem on this forum. ;)
 
Wife here

LoveBunny said:
It creeps me out immeasurably when a couple speaks to me as if from a "hive mind." How can a woman form a relationship with you individually if you insist on speaking as one mind? It's creepy that you two plot out what you're going to text your gf together. It definitely highlights that you're the couple and she's the third.
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Just because we confer on our posts and texts, doesn't signify that we have a hive mind. We take great offense to the assumptions that we are looking for just a sexual third. NOT THE CASE.

Ever thought that we might feel as though the splintered sexual/emotional opinions that we have been given regularly to us, in essence stating that what we are doing is wrong, just because we don't "step out" on our partner, or insist that we "play" separately. If we are all adults here, then how we handle our marriage and our GF relationship is not wrong.

We give her the space she requests. We do not drop in on her without being invited. We accept that she has a relationship (whether good or for ill) with someone who has been in her life for a while. Since she has expressed desires to be done with him (the non-husband, father of child, ex) we have been supportive, be that listening to her, or distracting her with a movie and a few hours of respected hang-out time. We have been patient with her and will continue to do so.

LoveBunny, please understand that some of these feelings are not directed to you alone. Thank you
 
WWH, you yourself/yourselves have read the thread from the person who has moved in, signed over her bank account, and is now being pushed to have a baby with the couple she moved in with. This scenario of being taken advantage of is a real danger, and pointing out the potential, hurtful pitfalls with such a relationship configuration is what most people on this board are trying to do.

Although you're not open to "playing" one-on-one with your girlfriend, it sounds at least as though you're open to her having other relationships, which is a good thing. Too often, there is a bit of "white knight" syndrome where the couple (or part of the couple) wants to rescue the woman and take care of her... exclusively... while all that really does is take away her agency and ability to be independent. When there are children involved (as you've seen in the other thread), the potential for harm is even worse.

One thing I see here, though, is that you've been asked to use two accounts in order to conform to the board guidelines, and you've been pushing back on that ever since. It doesn't give me a warm fuzzy for your relationship with your GF, who will have her own requests, wants, and desires in any relationship with you, when THIS request, OUTSIDE of a romantic context, is met with such resistance.
 
WeWerentHunting said:
Ever thought that we might feel as though the splintered sexual/emotional opinions that we have been given regularly to us, in essence, stating that what we are doing is wrong just because we don't "step out" on our partner, or insist that we "play" separately. If we are all adults here, then how we handle our marriage and our GF relationship is not wrong.
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Someone not having sex with their partner's partner isn't "stepping out." That is a term used to insinuate cheating.

The problems with insisting on only having sex together once emotions develop, or only dating together, are many, and it always explodes, horribly, which is why members here are so hesitant about it. All you have to do is read past posts to see how very, very badly this (literally) always goes.

Relationships are separate things had with individuals, not units. They need to be fostered individually. Would you ever accept your GF saying that you and your wife couldn't have sex unless she was there? Of course not. That is just one of many examples of "couple privilege," and one of the many things that can cause this kind of mindset to destroy relationships.

We are absolutely saying that insisting that your GF only "play" with you both as a unit is wrong, because it denies the basic realities of how relationships develop, as well as her needs and rights as a person. It's also just a recipe for disaster, which no one here wants to see. It's not a personal attack on you, it's a common misunderstanding about how relationships function that many couples have. Successful triads all, without any exception I have ever seen or heard of (including the ones I've been in), allow for natural growth of individual member's relationships. Every failed triad I've ever seen, read about, been in, etc., without exception, has the "must play with us both" rule.

Instead of insisting on hanging onto your preconceptions of how things have to be, take a step back, and realize that most members here truly want you to have a healthy, functioning relationship. It's better for all of the poly community if these things don't explode, and most of us are also just decent human beings that don't like others to get hurt. We say what we say for those reasons. You're new to polyamory, while others here have done it for years. Just as you would with other areas of your life, be willing to take into account the experiences of the more experienced. In reality, none of us are that special or unique, that those who've already done what we want to do simply have no valid perspectives to offer.

If you truly want this relationship to work, be wiling to learn from the experience of others, rather than getting upset that they're pointing out to you things that need to be re-evaluated.

Your scenario isn't unique! We see it here all the time!

The advice isn't given to be offensive, but to help you all succeed, ethically, in what is, frankly, one of the most difficult relationship configurations to maintain. It can be done, and you say you want to do it, but you do seem a bit resistant to advice, even though you asked for it.

I will once again really recommend that you read this article : So Someone Called You a Unicorn Hunter. Ignore the title if it upsets you; it's the content that is important. I've recommended it to you several times now, but it seems you've not read it. Please, if you are truly looking for a fulfilling, successful triad, take a few minutes and do so.
 
GreenAcres said:
I will once again really recommend that you read this article : So Someone Called You a Unicorn Hunter. Ignore the title if it upsets you, it's the content that is important. I've recommended it to you several times now, but it seems you've not read it. Please, if you are truly looking for a fulfilling, successful triad, take a few minutes and do so.
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Good measured post, GA. And I concur-- it is obvious neither member of this couple has read that article, or they wouldn't be able to claim feelings of being personally attacked.
 
YouAreHere said:
WWH, you yoursel(ves) have read the thread from the person who has moved in, signed over her bank account, and is now being pushed to have a baby with the couple she moved in with. This scenario of being taken advantage of is a real danger, and pointing out the potential, hurtful pitfalls with such a relationship configuration is what most people on this board are trying to do.

Although you're not open to "playing" one-on-one with your girlfriend, it sounds at least as though you're open to her having other relationships, which is a good thing. Too often, there is a bit of "white knight" syndrome where the couple (or part of the couple) wants to rescue the woman and take care of her... exclusively... while all that really does is take away her agency and ability to be independent. When there are children involved (as you've seen in the other thread), the potential for harm is even worse.

One thing I see here, though, is that you've been asked to use two accounts in order to conform to the board guidelines, and you've been pushing back on that ever since. It doesn't give me a warm fuzzy for your relationship with your GF, who will have her own requests, wants, and desires in any relationship with you, when THIS request, OUTSIDE of a romantic context, is met with such resistance.
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Forum guidelines state that while is isn't preferred to have a couple with a joint account, some have been allowed as long as they denote who is posting. I looked when asked to by NYCindie.

All anyone can seem to focus on is that we are a comfortable couple who IS and ARE considering the needs of OUR gf.
 
WeWerentHunting said:
Forum guidelines state that while is isn't preferred to have a couple with a joint account, some have been allowed as long as they denote who is posting, I looked when asked by NYCindie.

All anyone can seem to focus on is that we are a comfortable couple who IS and ARE considering the needs of OUR gf.
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So who's speaking in this case? ;)

At any rate, this isn't what everyone's focused on, but it's one piece of the conversation. Please read the linked article. This really addresses the majority of concerns people here have, "couples" accounts notwithstanding. You sympathized with the woman in the other thread. There's another new poster who has shared her own sad experiences in such a situation. Reading the article should help give some insight into why this happens.
 
Magdlyn said:
Good measured post, GA. And I concur-- it is obvious neither member of this couple has read that article, or they wouldn't be able to claim feelings of being personally attacked.
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Um... yes. READ and ASSIMILATED.

Treated like crap by people who think they know EVERYTHING.

I, the wife, am DONE. I have researched all that has been shared with us, and so has Hubby. Do not presume that we haven't. We have also responded gently so as not to piss anyone off, which is how many are coming off towards us. Just because we haven't been or identify "poly" as long, doesn't deny 15 years of figuring and discussing. Nor does my 20 year history with GF seem to matter a HILL OF BEANS to many on here.

If any more responses come from this account you can all rest assured it wont be from me, the wife.

Thanks ever so much for the open-minded attitudes that have been shared :sarcasm:
 
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