WonderWoman81
New member
Last November, I posted on here about some major pain and jealousy I was feeling about my friend and my husband and their relationship (original post below for reference). This past Monday, after months of neither of them checking in with me, even though as of our last discussion they agreed they would much more frequently, she asked how I was feeling about this dynamic, and I told her how much pain it causes me for them to be together. That my feelings I discussed last meeting are the same. I can't turn these feelings off, I've been trying and they have gotten worse, not better. The three of us talked, I told them if they want to stay together, I would respect that and have to move on to give myself a chance at happiness (I've learned that I'm definitely not poly). My husband said that he wanted to end it with her, so that he doesn't jeopardize our family. Of course, they are both very hurt and in a lot of pain, and not happy with me obviously. I feel terrible about all of this, I know that it is my fault and I am the cause of their pain. She wants nothing to do with me, understandable. He is very distant, also understandable. He processes things like this internally rather than talking it out.
My question is what do I do? I reached out to her and it is clear she does not want me to contact her, and I will respect her request of course. As for him, I want to be there for him, but I'm the cause of his unhappiness so I'm not sure if I should totally leave him alone or try to comfort him? I've asked him what he needs, he said it didn't matter, so not sure how to take that.
Anyone else been in this situation? What have you done? I know this is about giving them what they need to grieve, not about my feelings, I just want to be able to help, even if helping is staying out of the way.
ORIGINAL POST:
Hello. Last year, my best friend and my husband became lovers. At the time, I encouraged it and I was extremely supportive. I embraced polyamory and compersion was a big part of my life. They fell in love, which I also supported. It was suggested that I explore meeting someone too. I did and began talking to someone this past January to February. My husband's rules were that I were not to do anything physical until he could meet the guy I was talking too. Well, things moved too fast and I wound up having sex with this new guy, I then lied about it to my husband and friend. They caught me in the lie in February and were understandably angry at me for the betrayal of trust. My husband told me I was never allowed to date anyone else again, forever.
Immediately after this fracture in our relationships, my father, who was in the hospital, was so sick my family and I had to make the decision of letting him go. This happened days after finding out what I had done. Both my husband and friend were supportive during my difficult week of not only watching my father die, but the funeral. This happened the beginning of March. The next week, my husband and I had a long talk that became heated and he told me he wanted a divorce. He said he would be spending the entire weekend with my friend/his girlfriend and when he came back we would discuss how to move forward. I spent the weekend alone taking care of our children, knowing the marriage was over. When he came back, he said he didn't want to break our family up and he would give me a chance to earn his trust back.
Right after that, Covid shut our state down, I had to work from home, completely isolated for months. But the two of them continued to spend a night together (at her house) once a week. I began getting very resentful because they were getting an evening once a week with no children to do or go wherever they wanted, but he and I didn't have that at all. Things healed between him and I regarding the trust issue from February, but he was not making any effort to dedicate one night a week for the two of us to have quality time together, even after the children went to bed. I have since become increasingly resentful, angry, jealous, depressed and sad. I told them both how I felt, and he immediately broke up with her, saying he chose his family over that relationship, even though I didn't ask them to break up, I was just trying to keep communication open. Then a few days later got back together because she freaked out. Then, a few weeks ago, it happened again, and he said he was really done, we all talked together about it. Then, last week, he said he wasn't happy without her and that he was going to choose his happiness. He wants me to stay and try to get back to how happy I was last year with all of the relationships. I cannot, as much as I really want to, return my heart to that time. Last night they spent the night together for the first time since their most recent breakup. Today I feel 10x worse than before. He knows how I feel, he is trying very hard to let me know how much he loves me and our family, but I just don't know if I can continue like this, which he is also aware.
So, has anyone gone through this length (going on 8 months) of time feeling like this? If so, how did you get through it or did you walk away? I love him and don't want to leave or break up our family, but I once again feel like there is a clamp on my hear. I am in therapy so I have that at least. But I wanted to talk to you all and get your advice.
My question is what do I do? I reached out to her and it is clear she does not want me to contact her, and I will respect her request of course. As for him, I want to be there for him, but I'm the cause of his unhappiness so I'm not sure if I should totally leave him alone or try to comfort him? I've asked him what he needs, he said it didn't matter, so not sure how to take that.
Anyone else been in this situation? What have you done? I know this is about giving them what they need to grieve, not about my feelings, I just want to be able to help, even if helping is staying out of the way.
ORIGINAL POST:
Hello. Last year, my best friend and my husband became lovers. At the time, I encouraged it and I was extremely supportive. I embraced polyamory and compersion was a big part of my life. They fell in love, which I also supported. It was suggested that I explore meeting someone too. I did and began talking to someone this past January to February. My husband's rules were that I were not to do anything physical until he could meet the guy I was talking too. Well, things moved too fast and I wound up having sex with this new guy, I then lied about it to my husband and friend. They caught me in the lie in February and were understandably angry at me for the betrayal of trust. My husband told me I was never allowed to date anyone else again, forever.
Immediately after this fracture in our relationships, my father, who was in the hospital, was so sick my family and I had to make the decision of letting him go. This happened days after finding out what I had done. Both my husband and friend were supportive during my difficult week of not only watching my father die, but the funeral. This happened the beginning of March. The next week, my husband and I had a long talk that became heated and he told me he wanted a divorce. He said he would be spending the entire weekend with my friend/his girlfriend and when he came back we would discuss how to move forward. I spent the weekend alone taking care of our children, knowing the marriage was over. When he came back, he said he didn't want to break our family up and he would give me a chance to earn his trust back.
Right after that, Covid shut our state down, I had to work from home, completely isolated for months. But the two of them continued to spend a night together (at her house) once a week. I began getting very resentful because they were getting an evening once a week with no children to do or go wherever they wanted, but he and I didn't have that at all. Things healed between him and I regarding the trust issue from February, but he was not making any effort to dedicate one night a week for the two of us to have quality time together, even after the children went to bed. I have since become increasingly resentful, angry, jealous, depressed and sad. I told them both how I felt, and he immediately broke up with her, saying he chose his family over that relationship, even though I didn't ask them to break up, I was just trying to keep communication open. Then a few days later got back together because she freaked out. Then, a few weeks ago, it happened again, and he said he was really done, we all talked together about it. Then, last week, he said he wasn't happy without her and that he was going to choose his happiness. He wants me to stay and try to get back to how happy I was last year with all of the relationships. I cannot, as much as I really want to, return my heart to that time. Last night they spent the night together for the first time since their most recent breakup. Today I feel 10x worse than before. He knows how I feel, he is trying very hard to let me know how much he loves me and our family, but I just don't know if I can continue like this, which he is also aware.
So, has anyone gone through this length (going on 8 months) of time feeling like this? If so, how did you get through it or did you walk away? I love him and don't want to leave or break up our family, but I once again feel like there is a clamp on my hear. I am in therapy so I have that at least. But I wanted to talk to you all and get your advice.