I really do hate this poly thing sometimes. My husband has a new someone in his life, a young woman 10 years younger than myself. I found out that she is very tight between the legs, the most he has ever experienced. I know I am being silly about this but I cannot escape the fear that my husband will become so accustomed to the new lover and my body will no longer satisfy him. Am I overreacting?
Vagina Size
- Thread starter Elie
- Start date
If vaginal tightness is your measure of good sex I suggest you look into some sex education classes. These could take many forms; not need to be purely clinical so to speak.
Also, tell your husband that you really don't need to hear about his sexual experiences with his girlfriend, that's not a requirement of polyamory. Also, try not to reduce your perception of her to "young and has a tight vagina" - it really does no one any favours (you included) having a metamour being thought of as such a single faceted person. She will be a multifaceted person, with her own insecurities and hang ups and hopefully also some confidence, too. And strengths and weaknesses, and likes and dislikes.
I hope you get to know her as a whole person, too. Are you doing or have you considered kitchen table poly?
Also, tell your husband that you really don't need to hear about his sexual experiences with his girlfriend, that's not a requirement of polyamory. Also, try not to reduce your perception of her to "young and has a tight vagina" - it really does no one any favours (you included) having a metamour being thought of as such a single faceted person. She will be a multifaceted person, with her own insecurities and hang ups and hopefully also some confidence, too. And strengths and weaknesses, and likes and dislikes.
I hope you get to know her as a whole person, too. Are you doing or have you considered kitchen table poly?
I'm sorry you struggle.
However you are reacting? It's how you feel. And maybe indicating that you need some communication boundaries.
Whoever told you about her vagina tightness? Him? Her? You could tell them not to be oversharing personal details like that about people's bodies. It is not appropriate and you don't care to know. I think that falls into the TMI category. Some long term couples are so used to telling the spouse EVERYTHING that when they start to poly they don't realize every dyad needs its own privacy.
Does his GF love him telling other people about her vagina tightness? Maybe that would piss her off! Or even if she doesn't care... you don't want to know. So you set some communication boundaries with him.
Do the work of detangling -- including having some communication and emotional boundaries. Safer sex practices being used? You need to know that he honors that for your own sex health hygiene. What your partner's private parts or his partner's private parts are like? Too much info -- you don't need to know details about his partner's parts and he doesn't know details about your partner's parts.
Besides it is polyamory -- many loves. And you love and appreciate your sweeties for all that they bring to the table. Not just reducing them to a single body part. And yes, each person will be different.
FWIW? Not gonna lie. Some of the guys I've been with were longer, shorter, straight, curve to one side etc. And they each def had their own lovemaking style. But I never broke up with them over what their penis part was liked. The ones I broke up with? Were for other reasons like not wanting to get therapy, having weak character, telling lies, the relationship ran its course, etc.
If all it takes for your husband to dump you is how somebody else's body part happens to be? Blond, brunette, younger, older, tighter, looser, pierced not pierced, etc? Then the marriage wasn't on very strong foundations.
Even in monogamy a spouse can decide to break up. I accept that. And yes, it would be a pain to reboot, divorce, move out, get a new flat, etc. But I've lived alone before and there's not anything scary about it to me. So maybe you examine this fear. WHY would it be so horrible if in doing this poly thing you discover your partner and you are no longer on the same page? Isn't that risk already present in monogamy?
Hope that helps you put this in perspective some.
Galagirl
However you are reacting? It's how you feel. And maybe indicating that you need some communication boundaries.
Whoever told you about her vagina tightness? Him? Her? You could tell them not to be oversharing personal details like that about people's bodies. It is not appropriate and you don't care to know. I think that falls into the TMI category. Some long term couples are so used to telling the spouse EVERYTHING that when they start to poly they don't realize every dyad needs its own privacy.
Does his GF love him telling other people about her vagina tightness? Maybe that would piss her off! Or even if she doesn't care... you don't want to know. So you set some communication boundaries with him.
Do the work of detangling -- including having some communication and emotional boundaries. Safer sex practices being used? You need to know that he honors that for your own sex health hygiene. What your partner's private parts or his partner's private parts are like? Too much info -- you don't need to know details about his partner's parts and he doesn't know details about your partner's parts.
Besides it is polyamory -- many loves. And you love and appreciate your sweeties for all that they bring to the table. Not just reducing them to a single body part. And yes, each person will be different.
FWIW? Not gonna lie. Some of the guys I've been with were longer, shorter, straight, curve to one side etc. And they each def had their own lovemaking style. But I never broke up with them over what their penis part was liked. The ones I broke up with? Were for other reasons like not wanting to get therapy, having weak character, telling lies, the relationship ran its course, etc.
If all it takes for your husband to dump you is how somebody else's body part happens to be? Blond, brunette, younger, older, tighter, looser, pierced not pierced, etc? Then the marriage wasn't on very strong foundations.
Even in monogamy a spouse can decide to break up. I accept that. And yes, it would be a pain to reboot, divorce, move out, get a new flat, etc. But I've lived alone before and there's not anything scary about it to me. So maybe you examine this fear. WHY would it be so horrible if in doing this poly thing you discover your partner and you are no longer on the same page? Isn't that risk already present in monogamy?
Hope that helps you put this in perspective some.
Galagirl
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I'm sorry he told you that. It must have been quite a blow. Let's be real. We are all prone to comparing parts of our bodies unfavorably to others. In poly or open relationships, we can have that uncomfortable feeling even more in our faces. Usually we don't know what exactly another person's genitalia and secondary sexual characteristics are like. It's fun to speculate... Hmmm, I bet he has a big one. Hmmm, it looks like her nipples are prominent. Hmmm, his ass looks flat. Hmm, I bet her boobs give her a backache. But in poly, we may end up with real info that is way more than we wanted or needed to know!
Many men are terrified their partner will find someone with a bigger cock, no matter how big his own is. Many, if not most women, are rather insecure about all kinds of parts of their bodies-- our asses, our boobs, our "fat" bellies, our thighs that rub together. Now everyone is supposed to have a big high booty and there is (of course) surgery to increase the size of our butts!
But to have it thrown in your face that your meta's vag is tighter than yours, ouch. TMfucking-I, my dude. Women have a range of tightness, depth, wetness, hairiness, size of clit and labia, fragrances, colors... Each one has its own charm!
Many men are terrified their partner will find someone with a bigger cock, no matter how big his own is. Many, if not most women, are rather insecure about all kinds of parts of their bodies-- our asses, our boobs, our "fat" bellies, our thighs that rub together. Now everyone is supposed to have a big high booty and there is (of course) surgery to increase the size of our butts!
But to have it thrown in your face that your meta's vag is tighter than yours, ouch. TMfucking-I, my dude. Women have a range of tightness, depth, wetness, hairiness, size of clit and labia, fragrances, colors... Each one has its own charm!
Hi Elie,
You are not overreacting, your husband could very well become so accustomed to the new lover that your body will no longer satisfy him. You could lose your husband over this tight vagina. Is there any way you could convince him to stop dating her? That would be the solution to your problem. Otherwise I just feel very bad for you, you are in a bad situation that is none of your doing.
Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
You are not overreacting, your husband could very well become so accustomed to the new lover that your body will no longer satisfy him. You could lose your husband over this tight vagina. Is there any way you could convince him to stop dating her? That would be the solution to your problem. Otherwise I just feel very bad for you, you are in a bad situation that is none of your doing.
Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
Thank you for the kind response.
I am the one who asked him about it. I know that was a mistake I see that now. His new girlfriend is Asian and I know the rumors so I asked if it was true. I know how ridiculous that sounds now, I did not think the answer would bother me so much. Now that I know I feel like I am dying inside every night he is away.
It doesn’t help that I am recovering from a breakup and in a transitional period.
Divorcing my husband is not a choice. I will do anything I can to keep him. I have invested everything into this relationship.
Thank you for confirming my worst fears Kevin! Maybe you can tell my why men are so shallow about this sort of thing! I have never been insecure about this issue until now. My husband will absolutely not respect my wishes if I demand they break up. We had conflicts about his girlfriends before and when I talk about closing the relationship he throws it back in my face that poly was my idea. I do not want to create more conflict than I already have.
I am at a complete loss, I do not know what else I can do.
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Thank you for more info.
I'm sorry to hear that you had a recent break up.
And you also wouldn't like it if husband was telling his GF about your vagina shape, size, tightness without your consent, right?
I could be wrong but it sounds like both you and husband are still figuring out "poly good manners."
How is your sex life or life in general with husband? (You don't have to say here if you don't want.)
It sounds like you are longing for connection with husband. And it's coming out as envy that GF is getting his positive attention right now while you and him are doing what? Arguing? Is that true? I am guessing.
What's your actual need? Are you able to articulate it? Maybe it helps to print and circle.
Here is needs.
Here is feelings.
You might consider reading about non-violent communication. There are many books by Marshall Rosenberg, but I like this one best.
Why? Just because he's away? Or because you sit around thinking doom?
To me feelings ensue after behavior -- either action behavior or thinking behavior. So if you are sitting around going "She's better than me, he's gonna dump me" or whatever in some fashion... I don't see how listening to that internal radio station in your head is gonna be great. If that is happening, the problem is not his GF. The problem is you being your own self bully and devaluing yourself.
That's fine. You don't want to divorce.
But really? EVERYTHING? What is there for you? How much do you invest in yourself and your well being? Don't you put your own oxygen mask on first before attending to other people?
If he takes up with a total nutjob? You still can't tell him to break up with them. Hopefully he can see it for himself that they are a nutjob and ends it himself. But if he doesn't? YOU could walk away temporarily or permanently.
You don't have to like who he picks out to date or be friends with them. But you aren't the one dating them -- he is. I don't think it's a good idea to DEMAND he break up with people. Not even if you are feeling envious or insecure. Your emotional management is your own responsibility.
How long have you two been polyshipping? Before poly, how was your communication/conflict resolution?
If the core issue is that you are sad from a recent break up and don't get enough positive attention time with husband right now?
It is possible to ask to Close like "People already here are fine, but can could you please be willing to close to no more dating new people for a time? And make some space on your calendar to spend with me? I'm not getting enough time with you. With this recent break up, I could use some support, comfort, and time together. I'd like some quality time with you."
Can you see how that sounds different than "I demand you break up with your GF" or similar?
And if you have acting out at him? Apologize.
And if you have been acting in at yourself? Find ways to stop doing that and find more constructive ways to express what you feel. Grief can do weird things to people. Be kinder to you.
I suggest you do rest and grieve the break up and heal first.
Then maybe do some soul searching and try to articulate the things that bother you that you would like to improve. Identify the core things. That's the first step to figuring out how to solve them.
But baby steps -- heal from break up first.
Galagirl
I'm sorry to hear that you had a recent break up.
- What kind of support/kindnesses would you like from spouse in this time?
- What kind of support/kindnesses would you like from YOURSELF at this time?
I don't get the vibe that his GF gave her consent for her body to be talked about in this way. Neither of you sound like you are thinking about her consent or about her as a person.
- Now you have learned not to go asking him TMI details. And you learned that NO. Just because you are married and used to tell each other everything... that may no longer appropriate when polyshipping and there is more than 2 people in the system.
- He also may need to learn set boundaries with you. Because even if you ask? He could have told you "No. General safer sex data is ok. Personal details about people's bodies? That is TMI. And they haven't even given consent. Don't ask me things like that."
And you also wouldn't like it if husband was telling his GF about your vagina shape, size, tightness without your consent, right?
I could be wrong but it sounds like both you and husband are still figuring out "poly good manners."
How is your sex life or life in general with husband? (You don't have to say here if you don't want.)
It sounds like you are longing for connection with husband. And it's coming out as envy that GF is getting his positive attention right now while you and him are doing what? Arguing? Is that true? I am guessing.
What's your actual need? Are you able to articulate it? Maybe it helps to print and circle.
Here is needs.
Here is feelings.
You might consider reading about non-violent communication. There are many books by Marshall Rosenberg, but I like this one best.
Why? Just because he's away? Or because you sit around thinking doom?
To me feelings ensue after behavior -- either action behavior or thinking behavior. So if you are sitting around going "She's better than me, he's gonna dump me" or whatever in some fashion... I don't see how listening to that internal radio station in your head is gonna be great. If that is happening, the problem is not his GF. The problem is you being your own self bully and devaluing yourself.
That's fine. You don't want to divorce.
But really? EVERYTHING? What is there for you? How much do you invest in yourself and your well being? Don't you put your own oxygen mask on first before attending to other people?
To me that is not him "respecting your wishes." That's kinda like you wanting to be "the boss of everybody."
If he takes up with a total nutjob? You still can't tell him to break up with them. Hopefully he can see it for himself that they are a nutjob and ends it himself. But if he doesn't? YOU could walk away temporarily or permanently.
You don't have to like who he picks out to date or be friends with them. But you aren't the one dating them -- he is. I don't think it's a good idea to DEMAND he break up with people. Not even if you are feeling envious or insecure. Your emotional management is your own responsibility.
How long have you two been polyshipping? Before poly, how was your communication/conflict resolution?
- Is the problem that you and spouse are kind of enmeshed? And learning to detangle is hard?
- Is the problem regret? That yes, you asked to open up and do poly. And it turns out you changed your mind/don't like it and he is doing well with it?
- Is the problem that you and husband aren't getting along right now? There's poor communication skills?
- Is the problem jealousy? (You have something you are afraid someone will take away?)
- What? The relationship with your husband? Nobody takes him away. He is not a sweater that someone can steal. Your relationship with him is up to you two. How IS the relationship between you two?
- Is the problem envy (wishing you had what someone else has?)
- You envy the GF having a tighter vagina and want one too? (Start doing kegels and other exercises.)
- You envy husband having new sex and want to do new things too? (Consider sex ed classes/books and ask to share new sex with husband)
- You envy your husband having a GF and not dealing in break up stuff right now? (Sometimes he will deal with break up stuff, sometimes you will be the one dealing with it.)
- Is it like several problems at once?
- Something else?
If the core issue is that you are sad from a recent break up and don't get enough positive attention time with husband right now?
It is possible to ask to Close like "People already here are fine, but can could you please be willing to close to no more dating new people for a time? And make some space on your calendar to spend with me? I'm not getting enough time with you. With this recent break up, I could use some support, comfort, and time together. I'd like some quality time with you."
Can you see how that sounds different than "I demand you break up with your GF" or similar?
And if you have acting out at him? Apologize.
And if you have been acting in at yourself? Find ways to stop doing that and find more constructive ways to express what you feel. Grief can do weird things to people. Be kinder to you.
I suggest you do rest and grieve the break up and heal first.
Then maybe do some soul searching and try to articulate the things that bother you that you would like to improve. Identify the core things. That's the first step to figuring out how to solve them.
But baby steps -- heal from break up first.
Galagirl
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I'm sorry, but this opinion is ridiculous and I couldn't disagree more. Please OP, ignore this advice.
I also do not agree with GalaGirl that Asian women have "tighter" vaginas. How silly. Vaginas vary depending on heredity, so a smaller person might have a shorter length from clit to perineum, but tightness depends on muscle tone. Kegel exercises, or just lots of good orgasms (with a partner or on your own) could possibly increase the tone of your pelvic floor and vaginal muscles. But has your husband ever complained about your tightness? Does he enjoy sex with you? Then there is no need for concern that he'll leave you for this "shallow" reason. That is insulting to him and to men in general.
I have not seen any appreciable difference in vulva or penis size in Asian folks I've been with or seen in pictures. In fact, all the Asian men I have been with have had larger than average penises.
*rolleyes*
I am a tall woman of European descent and I am 66 years old and my vagina is super tight lol. But I do have lots of sex, which keeps it in tip top shape.
Inaniel
Well-known member
I am going to disagree with Kevin on this one. With that said, obviously I do not speak for all men.
The tightest vagina I ever encountered certainly was not the best intercourse I experienced… It was painful for myself. And it was definitely painful for the woman. Having a partner tense up with the look of uncertainty on her face with every thrust. The inability to be inserted completely. Honestly makes for fairly awkward intercourse.
I don’t really know how to talk about size because it’s all so relative. So, she is tight relative to what? He’s penis? So you are probably just as tight relative to someone else’s penis…
I think that when people experience NRE the mind is searching for combinations of unique traits to reinforce the perception that someone is “special”. When I have encountered women with a tighter (than my perception of average) vagina, I may have found that to be a novel trait; but not a defining one.
I currently have two female partners. During intercourse the baseline penis/vagina fitment is more snug with one than it is with the other. I say baseline because the partner who I have loser fitment with possesses keagle muscles strong enough to eject my penis completely when she orgasms. So what is tightness anyway? The reality is that fitment can very at the various stages of intercourse.
As arousal increases muscles relax and lubrication can be flowing to the point where it does not feel like such a snug fit anymore. Which actually feels even better to me because I love turning my partner on so much.
Also, my smaller partner is actually the one more likely to enjoy and reach orgasm with big girthy toys.
Maybe that’s all tmi but what I am trying to say is you are overacting to the amount of information you have. If your husband tells you that you aren’t doing it for him anymore than we have something to talk about. But size, in of itself with no further context, doesn’t really mean anything at all.
The tightest vagina I ever encountered certainly was not the best intercourse I experienced… It was painful for myself. And it was definitely painful for the woman. Having a partner tense up with the look of uncertainty on her face with every thrust. The inability to be inserted completely. Honestly makes for fairly awkward intercourse.
I don’t really know how to talk about size because it’s all so relative. So, she is tight relative to what? He’s penis? So you are probably just as tight relative to someone else’s penis…
I think that when people experience NRE the mind is searching for combinations of unique traits to reinforce the perception that someone is “special”. When I have encountered women with a tighter (than my perception of average) vagina, I may have found that to be a novel trait; but not a defining one.
I currently have two female partners. During intercourse the baseline penis/vagina fitment is more snug with one than it is with the other. I say baseline because the partner who I have loser fitment with possesses keagle muscles strong enough to eject my penis completely when she orgasms. So what is tightness anyway? The reality is that fitment can very at the various stages of intercourse.
As arousal increases muscles relax and lubrication can be flowing to the point where it does not feel like such a snug fit anymore. Which actually feels even better to me because I love turning my partner on so much.
Also, my smaller partner is actually the one more likely to enjoy and reach orgasm with big girthy toys.
Maybe that’s all tmi but what I am trying to say is you are overacting to the amount of information you have. If your husband tells you that you aren’t doing it for him anymore than we have something to talk about. But size, in of itself with no further context, doesn’t really mean anything at all.
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Re (from Elie):
I don't know the why; I can definitely confirm that men are "hung up" on genitalia. I mean as if the relationship part doesn't even matter! It makes no sense.
I see what you mean about not being able to divorce your husband. I am very sorry about that. You are in a bad situation that is none of your doing.
I don't know the why; I can definitely confirm that men are "hung up" on genitalia. I mean as if the relationship part doesn't even matter! It makes no sense.
I see what you mean about not being able to divorce your husband. I am very sorry about that. You are in a bad situation that is none of your doing.
OP, Kevin is being sarcastic.
This is the only part of this post that *does* make sense.
I culd tell you that men def. care when it comes to this topic. A women with a small V is going to pad the mans ego and make him feel awesome about himself. Most women are average and that still fine and all. A loose V is more a problem though no man wants to feel like he isn't filling the space as you could say.
In my circle of friends a tight V is a coveted trait. But men don’t talk about it openly out of respect to the women and all.
In my circle of friends a tight V is a coveted trait. But men don’t talk about it openly out of respect to the women and all.
As a mod, I am finding the discussion of comparing vaginas inappropriate, misogynistic, anti-male, and even racist. I request we drop the topic and go to the root of the problem as mentioned in this part of Elie's post. She is insecure in her poly relationship with her husband and looking for reasons to find fault with his OSOs.
Here's a tip. Put a finger or two inside your vagina and cough hard. Feel that? That's the pelvic floor muscles. With just the tiniest bit of practice, you can gain a lot of control over them. Tightness can be controlled. (You can balloon yourself out with a different way of controlling the muscle, handy for getting out a menstrual cup that's being stubborn.)
In MY circle of friends, and open mind is far more desirable than a tight vagina because with an open mind you can get all sorts of creative with how amazingly the vagina can accommodate fingers, hands, fists, very large toys and anything else that can be covered with a condom.
And if you're that worried about not being tight enough for his penis, there's alway anal sex.
In MY circle of friends, and open mind is far more desirable than a tight vagina because with an open mind you can get all sorts of creative with how amazingly the vagina can accommodate fingers, hands, fists, very large toys and anything else that can be covered with a condom.
And if you're that worried about not being tight enough for his penis, there's alway anal sex.
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Hi Elie,
It has occurred to me that I may have misunderstood your meaning/intention, and consequently made things worse for you rather than better. If I have, I sincerely apologize. I did not mean to confirm your worst fears, my aim was just to validate your concerns. I think Evie has the right idea, there are alternative solutions to this problem. Anyway, sorry if I made things worse.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
It has occurred to me that I may have misunderstood your meaning/intention, and consequently made things worse for you rather than better. If I have, I sincerely apologize. I did not mean to confirm your worst fears, my aim was just to validate your concerns. I think Evie has the right idea, there are alternative solutions to this problem. Anyway, sorry if I made things worse.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
I do feel worse after reading your post but at least you are honest. I just don’t understand how men can be so superficial.
I am not racist okay! I was just curious if the rumors were true so I asked my husband out of curiosity. It’s not like I created the stereotype and it’s private information between my husband and I so it’s not like I am perpetuating the stereotype either.
I Did search these forums before I posted and did not find anything about this topic. But I Did find a collection of posts talking about penis size, which by the way you were a contributor to all of them. And you didn’t find any of those conversations to be a inappropriate so I Assumed I could post about my problem.
I found posts from you where you described yourself as a “size queen”, a term often used to degrade women and/or objectify men. And yet you find conversations about vagina size to be “inappropriate”? Okay whatever you say goes since your a mod (I like how you made sure to point out dear) I will stop participating in that part of the conversation.
I would reassure him. Size wouldn’t matter to me anyway. What bothers me is that it sounds like tightness matters a lot to men!
powerpuffgrl1969
Active member
Op, I think the consensus is that tightness DOESN'T matter. People here are trying to givr you good advice. Take what works for you and toss the rest. It shuts down the conversation when you start conveying hostility.