Vagina Size

[Evie]

What bothers me is that it sounds like tightness matters a lot to men!

Generalisations never help.

Your major concern is if it matters to your husband.

If it does, then you both could work on broadening your sexual repertoire.

Btw, size queen is not a derogatory term for either sex.

 

[Elie]

Can you explain why it is acceptable to have conversations about penis size on this website but is unacceptable to have a conversation about vagina tightness? Because it feels like a double standard to me.

I only got defensive because of the suggestion that I am racist.

 

[Evie]

It's fine to discuss vagina size, but it's actually a red herring here.

What Mags was saying was let's address your original issue. Your husband won't dump his girlfriend because you wanted him to, and now you don't know what to do.

 

[Lindamissy]

I really do hate this poly thing sometimes. My husband has a new someone in his life, a young woman 10 years younger than myself. I found out that she is very tight between the legs, the most he has ever experienced. I know I am being silly about this but I cannot escape the fear that my husband will become so accustomed to the new lover and my body will no longer satisfy him. Am I overreacting?

You have to take it easy for him

 

[Lindamissy]

It's fine to discuss vagina size, but it's actually a red herring here.

What Mags was saying was let's address your original issue. Your husband won't dump his girlfriend because you wanted him to, and now you don't know what to do.

Just have to patients

 

[Evie]

Patience?

 

[Lindamissy]

Yes

 

[Magdlyn]

I do feel worse after reading your post but at least you are honest. I just don’t understand how men can be so superficial.

Anyone can be superficial. Do you think your husband is superficial?

I am not racist, okay? I was just curious if the rumors were true so I asked my husband out of curiosity. It’s not like I created the stereotype, and it’s private information between my husband and I so it’s not like I am perpetuating the stereotype either.

It became un-private when you posted it here, though. I took offense. Others probably did too. I'm not blaming you for being curious about a damaging stereotype, but I hate to see it perpetuated here.

I Did search these forums before I posted and did not find anything about this topic. But I Did find a collection of posts talking about penis size, which by the way you were a contributor to all of them. And you didn’t find any of those conversations to be a inappropriate so I Assumed I could post about my problem.

The inappropriate part was the racial genital stereotype and the sexist assumption that all men would leave a woman because of the dimensions of her vagina. It's an interesting conversation but I don't want people to get the idea our board is in favor of racial stereotyping.

I found posts from you where you described yourself as a “size queen”, a term often used to degrade women and/or objectify men. And yet you find conversations about vagina size to be “inappropriate”? Okay whatever you say goes since your a mod (I like how you made sure to point out dear) I will stop participating in that part of the conversation.

Fair enough. I put on my mod hat to turn the convo away from people telling you that you are indeed inadequate and your husband might leave you because of your gigantic loose vagina. (I am very glad Kevin apologized.)

I don't see how admitting I have a certain physical preference is "degrading" to myself. Some people prefer redheads, or brown eyes or whatever. That's fine. Some men might love a thicc woman, and some lesbian women might prefer to date masculine-looking women. I don't waste my time judging other people for how they prefer their partners to look. We really have no control over that.

I prefer a larger cock because I happen to have a deeper than average vagina, as confirmed by multiple gynecologists and midwives. To feel that nice full feeling that I like, it helps me to have a lover with a bigger penis. Indeed, when my gf and I buy toys for me, I have found a larger dildo in the strap-on harness works best for me.

However, I have had plenty of satisfying sex with men of average length and girth. I would never dump a guy for having a "too small" penis, as long as he had other bedroom skills to give me full satisfaction. Also, importantly, in my love life, it's not just the cock or the pussy or the sex that matters-- it's the intellectual and emotional links that really make me want to be with someone! I'm demisexual like that.

My intent was to help you. I thought that the real deeper question you had was, 'I am afraid my husband will leave me for a younger, "tighter" women, plus, I have found fault with his previous gfs because I also felt inadequate as compared to them, and tried to get my h to dump them.' I have been posting on this board for over a decade because I want to help people negotiate polyamory. You are seeming to say polyamory is not going well for you, even though it was your idea, because you feel insecure when your h is with other women. You fear losing him to "someone better," and this is an ongoing problem. The differences in vaginas is just the tip of the iceberg, so to speak.

I would reassure him. Size wouldn’t matter to me anyway. What bothers me is that it sounds like tightness matters a lot to men!

Some men have posted that tighter, as tight as possible, is not their preference. Inaniel seemed to be posting about vaginismus, where a woman's vagina spasms and becomes uncomfortably, even painfully tight.

Women understand their vaginas best. You have gotten advice about exercises to do, sex ed to seek for this particular issue. Yet you seem to be focused on how "men are so shallow." That doesn't seem helpful and I find it insulting to men. I mean, yeah, for sex to feel good, a vagina needs to enclose a penis snugly. Vaginas are made to do that. Vaginas are a muscle that can be worked out and increased in tone. Vaginas are flexible. They can hold something as narrow as a pencil and expand to allow a 10 lb baby to pass through.

Love your vagina. Take good care of her and she will take care of you.

If you fear losing your husband to someone better, we can also help you work through that issue, if you'd like.

(BTW, we are all racist, at least a little. Odd societal assumptions about the genitalia of Black or Asian people perpetuate a racial divide. Many people assume Asian men have small cocks and Black men have big ones, across the board, but that is just. not. true.)

 

[PinkPig]

I've been with men who prefer tight vaginas. Sure, they like the tight fit. But, the tightness is never a big issue (just a preference... same as how i prefer dark haired, lean men and curvy women). I would never exclude someone from my dating pool who doesn't fit those profiles. I value the whole person, as do the people that I date.

I think reflecting on why this bothers you so much would be a much more productive endeavor (and if your tightness or lack thereof bothers you so much, maybe do some kegels while you're reflecting?) I mean, if a man is going to leave me based solely on the tightness of my vagina, then good riddance!

 

[kdt26417]

Re (from Elie):

"I do feel worse after reading your post but at least you are honest."

Sorry you feel worse. That was my fault.

Re:

"I just don't understand how men can be so superficial."

Well for what it's worth, I don't think *all* men are like that. Some men are like that (which is unfortunate enough).

 

[GalaGirl]

Elie --

I haven't seen it mentioned yet, but maybe Polysecure could help some. Poly has a way of shining a light on a lot of things.

Without knowing more of your story? It's hard to give you ideas.

I can't tell if this is growing pains because you just opened the marriage. I can't tell if your grief over the recent beak up is coming out sideways. I can't tell if it might be from something else.

You do sound upset.

Asking your husband to break up with people to assuage your insecurities isn't going to really solve the insecurities. Still gonna be there. Just maybe removes whatever is poking it in the moment. Til the next thing comes along to poke it.

And unless being like a "King Bee" or "Queen Bee" is part of a consenting kink dynamic?I don't think one can boss their spouse around and expect the spouse to be happy about that.

I don't think dwelling on body parts is useful. It doesn't seem to move anything forward.

I think figuring out what you need to feel safe/secure in your relationship with husband might be more useful.

At this point in time, what is your desired outcome? How can people best help you?

Galagirl

 

[Marcus]

I found out that she is very tight between the legs, the most he has ever experienced. I know I am being silly about this but I cannot escape the fear that my husband will become so accustomed to the new lover and my body will no longer satisfy him.

People are built differently, and some things about how we are built can change over time. I recommend you back away from the instinct to compare the relationship you have with your spouse, to the relationship they have with someone else. The nature of your relationship is very different from theirs, no doubt theirs is great at somethings your relationship is lacking, and vice versa.

Instead, focus on taking care of yourself and enjoying the aspects your relationships that you enjoy. Stressing about what will bring your relationship to an end will only help to bring that fear into being.

Am I overreacting?

Probably.

Relationships end for any number of reasons, some of those reasons make perfect sense to us while others leave us scratching our heads. Adjust what you are focusing in and build success into your existing relationships and let the chips fall where they may.

 

[Marcus]

I just don’t understand how men can be so superficial.

People like what they like. While I don't personally put a ton of weight on things like vaginal snugness, breast size, and cuteness of feet, I don't begrudge people who value those things highly.

Life is short, your energy will be better spent to seek out relationships that align with your values instead of begrudging people for looking at the world differently.

 

[JaneQSmythe]

Not directly relevant, but Dude's ex-GF used to routinely pronounce (to anyone really), "I have a HUGE vag!" which I thought was an odd thing to announce to the world (and it's not like she was stretched from childbirth - she didn't have any kids).

Speaking of which, the wife of a friend of mine confided when she pregnant that she was worried that after she gave birth sex would be like "throwing a hot dog down a hallway". The truth is that the vagina is a very versatile tube of tissue and muscle! It can accomodate a baby's head when needed but when there is nothing holding it open its volume is literally zero - it is only a potential space (like a balloon before it's been blown up). Furthermore, we have voluntary control over the muscles of our pelvic floor - which means we can exercise and tone them (i.e. Kegel exercises). But it also means that we can play with different pressures at different times with our partners during sex!

I remember reading some article somewhere (either one of those terrible "How to Please Your Man" articles in Redbook or some random advice for sex workers on "How to Keep Your Clients") about the concept if using your vag muscles for sexual enhancement - the idea (in the article) is to relax and "welcome" the penis (or whatever body part you fancy) when they are thrusting in and "hold on" to the penis (whatever) as they are pulling back for the next thrust - like you don't want it to leave and you are trying to entice it back in. Just takes a little practice and I've had a few compliments. I'm not that coordinated so I can't keep it up if they go too fast, BUT I've found that concentrating on the in-and-out sensation (so I can time squeezes) enhances my own sensitivity (so WIN-WIN!) If you get tired (or bored) with that, you can get a similar effect by keeping the pelvis symmetrical on the IN and then cocking (HAHA!) your hips right or left for the OUT.

Just my 4.7 cents (cuz inflation!)

Jane ("Probably-TMI") Smythe

PS. A while back one of the regular posters was talking about trying a vaginal exercise device (The "VagMaster2000"?). She was going to report back but I forget how it turned out...anyone remember?

 

[Elie]

Thank you for all of the advice. And to the men who private messaged me, I appreciate your honesty and I am sorry you did not feel safe posting your perspectives and preferences on the forum board. If anyone else wants to share opinions in private message I promise I wont bite and conversations with me are a safe place.

I have talked to my husband and he did re-assure me a little. We talked details and he admitted that she feels better than I do, but most noticeably during the initial penetration and the difference is less noticeable as they continue. He also thinks it is "special" about her and is a "turn-on". On the bright side when I brought up doing exercises to tone up a little bit he said it was unnecessary and that he still enjoys sex with me.

I am slowly coming to terms and accepting this new normal.

 

[kdt26417]

Glad to hear the situation has improved somewhat.

 

[Bariah]

Late to the party on this one but I didn't read the obvious response and I think you should hear it.

I love loose vaginas. Period.

I wish I could tell you why. It helped a lot that I loved the women who had the loose vaginas.

Your husband probably loves you, so he's going to love your sex.

Here's the deal, men don't discriminate vaginas. Not men of any character. And I think you're probably hyper focused on the issue, one, because you think it means you're not a fit partner because of your vagina, but also two, because you're anxious about losing your husband due to the new relationship dynamics.

Just give it to him like you know he likes it and I'm sure he'll keep loving you. Please trust me.

 

[Jeansandsneakers]

Just caught up. What a rabbit hole (bad pun opportunity here, surely) you’ve all gone down

Don’t compare. Just. Don’t. Comparisons only ever feed insecurities, whether to make you feel inferior or superficially superior. That’s so basic and dumb.

Better off holding to the truth that:

“My cock/pussy is amazing. I thoroughly enjoy my cock/pussy when playing with it alone or with others. Anyone lucky enough to get to play with my cock/pussy is blessed - cause I’m a king/queen.”

If anyone tried to say/infer that my glorious pussy wasn’t loose/tight enough - I’d tell them that that’s the great thing about their own hand. They can adjust their grip to suit their needs. Somewhere else. Away from me. Thank you, next.

 

[Bariah]

Just caught up. What a rabbit hole (bad pun opportunity here, surely) you’ve all gone down

Don’t compare. Just. Don’t. Comparisons only ever feed insecurities, whether to make you feel inferior or superficially superior. That’s so basic and dumb.

This is what I wanted to say, but my love for pussy clouded my mind and my thoughts got jumbled up. It happens this way.

Anyone lucky enough to get to play with my cock/pussy is blessed - cause I’m a king/queen.”

Truly.