What are the signs my wife is hinting for a open relationship?

K

Kay22

New member
Hi,

I’m very new to all this, so I hope my question doesn’t sound too naive!

When I met my wife, we were in our late twenties. We had our first child quickly and now have two young children. Marriage was very important to her because she wanted to feel secure in our relationship, especially as a new mom. So, we got married. I did it for her; I didn’t dislike the idea of marriage, but it just didn’t resonate with me on many levels.

Fast forward to today, my wife has become really fit, is running a successful company, and no longer faces the pressures of being a young mother. She has grown so much more secure, strong, and independent. It’s been wonderful to see.

However, our sex life hasn’t been great over the past few years, which has caused a lot of unspoken tension in our relationship. Six weeks ago, she went to the city for a night out and came back wanting to talk.

She told me that she is a very sexual person, which is true, and that she wanted to see other people because I wasn’t fulfilling her needs. She mentioned meeting a woman and wanting to sleep with her.

I said it was okay for her to sleep with any woman she wanted, but I felt sad that she wanted to see other people. Surprisingly, our sex life has improved significantly since then.

Recently, we attended a wedding and fantasized about sleeping with another couple, although we didn’t go through with it. She also mentioned flirting with someone, assuming I do it all the time (which I do). I agreed that it was fine and even healthy.

Later, I made a comment about a woman being beautiful but quickly added that I would never sleep with her. My wife responded that I could sleep with whoever I liked in a very nonchalant way. I’m not sure if she was kidding or not!

Basically, I would be happy to open up our marriage. I would be fine with her receiving love or just enjoying sex with someone else. I think I might be better suited to polyamory, though I’ve never tried it. I would love to date someone and learn all about them—it feels like such a human thing!

Do you think my wife really wants to be open? I’m scared that if I misinterpret her feelings and bring it up, I could upset her and undo the progress we’ve made in our relationship over the past few weeks.

Any advice is welcome! Thank you.
 
I'm glad you've made progress in recent weeks. But a relationship can't remain intimate and healthy unless the partners are honest with each other. If you want to open your relationship, it's best to say so. Joking around just leaves both partners with doubts.

Even people who choose to be monogamous can feel attraction for others. The key to being ethically non-monogamous is to actually practice loving more than one, with the joyful consent of all partners.

There is a difference between fantasizing about sleeping with others, like, during sex talking about it to "spice things up," and actually doing it, meeting everyone's needs for security, scheduling, dealing with new relationship energy (NRE), jealousy, envy, budgeting dates, not leaving one partner home with the kids all the time, learning what to do if one partner has a great other relationship (or more than one) while one is struggling to find good partners, what to do if someone gets ill and requires more attention, or if a child or elder requires more attention, what about overnights, what about vacations, what about meeting friends and family, etc., etc.

Have a look at the resources in this thread and start your research.

 
I'm guessing your wife is already being non monogamous or on the cusp of being non monogamous. Go for it .
 
Magdlyn said:
I'm glad you've made progress in recent weeks. But a relationship can't remain intimate and healthy unless the partners are honest with each other. If you want to open your relationship, it's best to say so. Joking around just leaves both partners with doubts.

Even people who choose to be monogamous can feel attraction for others. The key to being ethically non-monogamous is to actually practice loving more than one, with the joyful consent of all partners.

There is a difference between fantasizing about sleeping with others, like, during sex talking about it to "spice things up," and actually doing it, meeting everyone's needs for security, scheduling, dealing with new relationship energy (NRE), jealousy, envy, budgeting dates, not leaving one partner home with the kids all the time, learning what to do if one partner has a great other relationship (or more than one) while one is struggling to find good partners, what to do if someone gets ill and requires more attention, or if a child or elder requires more attention, what about overnights, what about vacations, what about meeting friends and family, etc., etc.

Have a look at the resources in this thread and start your research.

Click to expand...
Thank you for your reply, its very appreciated.
 
Don't "hint." Speak to people directly.

Expect others to talk to you directly and not "hint" either. People cannot be mind readers. I also don't think passive communication is great for any kind of relationship much less non-monogamous ones.

You could say something like "Wife, did you mean it when you said I could share sex with whoever I wanted, or were you kidding? I'd like to talk all that out. It's like we've been dabbling with non-monogamy, with you seeing people on your side, but we've never really talked it out fully. I'd like to do that."

Galagirl
 
GalaGirl said:
Don't "hint." Speak to people directly.
Click to expand...

I remember sitting on the couch with my wife and her friend watching the movie "The Mule". When the main character took two women back to his motel room, my wife's friend asked me if I wanted to have a threesome. I thought that she was just teasing me and trying to embarrass me - or worse, get me in trouble with my wife for saying that I would sleep with another woman. Little did I know, they had already talked about it with each other and the offer was genuine. There were a lot of hints that I took as jokes. My wife had to come right out and ask me directly.
 
GalaGirl said:
Don't "hint." Speak to people directly.

Expect others to talk to you directly and not "hint" either. People cannot be mind readers. I also don't think passive communication is great for any kind of relationship much less non-monogamous ones.

You could say something like "Wife, did you mean it when you said you said I could share sex with whoever I wanted, or were you kidding? I'd like to talk all that out. It's like we've been dabbling with non-monogamy with you seeing people on your side, but never really talked it out fully. I'd like to do that."
Click to expand...
Thanks for your reply, Galagirl. So, stop beating around the bush and just be direct, basically. If there is anybody I should be able to do that with, it should be my wife.
 
SquishyHusk said:
I remember sitting on the couch with my wife and her friend watching the movie "The Mule". When the main character took two women back to his motel room, my wife's friend asked me if I wanted to have a threesome. I thought that she was just teasing me and trying to embarrass me - or worse, get me in trouble with my wife for saying that I would sleep with another woman. Little did I know, they had already talked about it with each other and the offer was genuine. There were a lot of hints that I took as jokes. My wife had to come right out and ask me directly.
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Thanks for taking the time to reply. I suppose where there's smoke there's fire, right? I should mention that I am autistic and my ability to know the difference between a joke and and being serious in social situations is somewhat flawed. Thanks again.
 
You being on the spectrum does make it different. I am not neurodivergent (I'm just weird in other ways lol) so I don't know how much of that affects communication skills, flirting, taking hints, humor, etc. I know not all autistic people are the same.

I dated an autistic guy for 2.5 years. My dad was on the spectrum, so I know what they were like. I saw the outward appearance, how they acted, but of course, I wasn't inside their heads.

My bf turned out to be a raging narcissistic abuser, but I'd given him a pass for quite a while because I blamed his behavior on his autism.

Anyway, I'm glad just talking about opening up has improved your sex life. Actually opening your relationship, however will shine a light on all the present cracks in your relationship, because your dating partners will be real people and will impact your lives in ways your fantasy "partners" never would. And you have to treat them with respect and not hurt them. They will have minds of their own.

That's why, beyond the casual "jokes" and hints, the fantasies, and then initial conversation(s), doing the reading of the excellent resources is of extreme importance.
 
Hello Kay22,

It sounds to me like your wife is hinting for an open relationship. She isn't even just hinting, she is saying she wants to meet a woman and sleep with her. Maybe the thing to do is, to sit down with her and say, "Honey, I have got the impression lately that you are hinting for an open relationship. I don't want to upset you and undo the progress we've made in our relationship over the past few weeks, so I just want to ask you, is an open relationship something you want?" This would be a respectful way to ask her to move beyond hinting.

Hopefully she'll say yes.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Thanks for your reply, Galagirl.
Click to expand...

Glad it helps you some.

So, stop beating around the bush and just be direct, basically. If there is anybody I should be able to do that with, it should be my wife.
Click to expand...

Pretty much. Be up front and honest with your spouse.

I should mention that I am autistic and my ability to know the difference between a joke and and being serious in social situations is somewhat flawed.
Click to expand...

All the more reason to be clear and up front and ask questions if you are confused.

Presumably your spouse knows you are autistic, so it wouldn't be a surprise to her if you asked clarifying questions or needed extra confirmation or reassurance that you understood what spouse said the way they meant it.

Galagirl
 
I would like to take a moment to point out that there are several differing kinds of "open relationship".

Some which are sometimes called "open relationship" are only open for casual (outside a pair bond) sex without a meaningful ongoing connection. That is, the agreement here is not to fall in love or form a deep and meaningful connection with the other/s.

Other "open relationships" are polyamorous in nature. In these, it's agreed that it is okay to form meaningful, lasting, and even "romantic" bonds outside of the original pair bond.

It's important that what an open relationship means is clarified in some detail, asking lots of questions and exploring these together so that there aren't a lot of mere guesses and hunches about what is considered permissible outside of the original pair bond.

This may prove helpful.:

www.verywellmind.com

What to Know About Open Relationships And How They Work

An open relationship is consensual and non-monogamous. Learn more about open relationships where both partners pursue sex and emotional attachments with others.
www.verywellmind.com www.verywellmind.com
 
Open relationships require communication.

I suspect as mentioned by others that she has been with other people and that she is just holding back all the info for fear you will freak out.

Don't. As you have seen, it enhances the sex life. If she's into women, chance that you could get into a threesome. And... if the door is open, go through it - pursue something.

Simply say "I have thought about it and it is a huge turn on to think of you with other people. I'd love to hear about it if you have had an adventure. And I'd like to talk about the ground rules if we are going to be open."
 
hjeckyl said:
Open relationships require communication.

I suspect as mentioned by others that she has been with other people and that she is just holding back all the info for fear you will freak out.

Don't. As you have seen, it enhances the sex life. If she's into women, chance that you could get into a threesome. And... if the door is open, go through it - pursue something.

Simply say "I have thought about it and it is a huge turn on to think of you with other people. I'd love to hear about it if you have had an adventure. And I'd like to talk about the ground rules if we are going to be open."
Click to expand...
Kay22 didn't say it was a huge turn-on for him or herself to think of their wife having sex with others. Kay just said that their sex life had improved. I suspect it was because the wife is happier and turned on from having another partner, not that Kay necessarily is.

That's my take, anyway.
 
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