What do you tell other people?

Cholita

Cholita

New member
Recently I made a new friend who I really like but who seems a little too conservative to know anything about poly. However, since this friend has already met each of my partners separately on different social occasions, and noticed that I am with more than one man... I felt like I should explain that i am in a poly relationship based on mutual consent and that I am not the type of person who would cheat or lie to anyone.

What do you guys tell other "normal" people who might just happen to have noticed something different about your relationships. Do you just let people come to their own conclusions or do you feel its necessary to clarify whats going on before judgments are passed.
 
I just say I have a boyfriend and a husband. They usually ask questions about jealousy or comment how they or their partner are too jealous for such an arrangement. I talk openly about my boyfriend and my husband and it doesn't take long for them to catch that i use both titles ,
 
How about keeping it simple? That's what I prefer. Something like...

"New Friend, I like you, and hope we continue to get to know each other. Just wanted to make you aware that I'm in a consensual polyamorous relationship with both my partners since you have met them both now."

Then leave it alone?

Could let people worry about their own feelings and their own thoughts. They can speak up if they want to ask me something. I don't assume they know nothing about polyamory. I don't rush to explain because I fear judgements. (Why would I stay friends with a judgmental person?)

I just let it be. Their stuff is their stuff to manage, my stuff is my stuff.

Galagirl
 
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I follow the kiss principal.

I just tell the truth in my case, "I have two husbands." If anyone asks further questions I answer. If they get too personal I politely decline further information.
 
Inyourendo said:
I just say I have a boyfriend and a husband. They usually ask questions about jealousy or comment how they or their partner are too jealous for such an arrangement. I talk openly about my boyfriend and my husband and it doesn't take long for them to catch that i use both titles ,
Click to expand...

That's exactly what we do and with the same response.
 
I am very open and never censor myself. New acquaintances ask me to clarify all the time, and then I am just matter of fact about it.
 
Due to lady and I both being teachers we are very discrete but when asked we simply state the truth about our relationship. Most often the people asking are just curious and/or concerned that we are in ethical relationships where everyone needs are met. Ie her husband isn't cheating and leaving her and I'm not being strung along by a cheating husband. We don't advertise but we refuse to lie about our love lives.
 
Because I am not yet out to my parents, I don't flaunt it. If people asked who are you dating or something, I would say it straight, but those who know my husband are very concerned about me cheating pr breaking up, and usually bring up the subject at the worst of times, so I just say me and husband are fine.

Other people mainly know me with my boyfriend and may interprete husband as more of a friend when he is over.

It might be different if we all lived in the same place. Doing poly long distance bring on its own challenges.
 
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I just say "I have a husband and girlfriend" or "that is my girlfriend" and if they have follow up questions I answer. I do not however tell anyone any information that is above and beyond normal curiosity (i.e. sex, living arrangements, etc).
 
My partners and I are in the process of coming out to friends and family, ever since Taylor and Roger started dating (his first relationship outside of our marriage) and Jack and I got more serious.

Taylor's family knew from the beginning and are completely accepting. We haven't told my, Roger, or Jack's family yet, but I don't mind telling mine (either they're accepting or they're not, we're not hugely close). Jack and I recently talked about telling his family before he moves in with me and Roger in the next year. Roger is most hesitant to tell his family, due to their religious beliefs, but I'm encouraging him to do so since we're close with them (and they're bound to figure it out at some point...).

Mutual friends of Jack, Roger, and mine had suspicions for years, but it wasn't until we overheard them making some judgmental statements about our behavior that we realized we needed to clarify that everyone's on board with Jack and me dating. They are now wonderfully supportive, and I had no problems answering any questions they had about how it works (marriage, kids, the future, jealousy, the usual). I've told several of my friends/colleagues, who again, asked some questions about how we make it work.

We're mostly closeted at work, but moving towards being more open. I suspect I'll handle it similar to other posters here - "I have a husband and a boyfriend. Yes they are all okay with this." Taylor and Roger used to work together and chose not to come out.

I'm following the lead of my partners in terms of their comfort level. We usually talk before any get together to see how we want to handle it.
 
Hi Cholita,

Re (from OP):
"What do you guys tell other 'normal' people who might just happen to have noticed something different about your relationships? Do you just let people come to their own conclusions or do you feel its necessary to clarify whats going on before judgments are passed?"
Click to expand...

In most cases I let them come to their own conclusions. Not my first choice, but, my (two) companions want us to stay in the closet. They're terrified that they'll lose their jobs and that various family members will disown them. I am sympathetic about that and I want to honor their wishes. But if it weren't for that, I wouldn't mind shouting it from the rooftops.

My older brother and his wife are really good at keeping secrets and are very cool and nonjudgmental, and my companions and I have a warm relationship with them, so, when questions arose concerning my relationships with my companions, I dropped enough of a "hint" that my brother and sister-in-law could easily piece together what was happening. But I managed to do that without saying the word "polyamory."
 
I had fun at my passport renewal. I put Auto down as one of my references, and listed relationship as partner. The agent asked whether we were common-law (since family can't be references), and I said no, we don't live together. She seemed to be having trouble with that, so I added that I already had a husband, so I can't be common-law with someone else. Then she's like, Oh, so like, your business partner? I just said no, we're non-traditional. She just left it at that.
 
I let people draw their own conclusions. Seriously, what does it matter what they think. If they tell others, it is completely here say and they have no proof. That said, if someone asks me, I do not lie. I answer their questions, but offer little more. My closest friends know and love me regardless.;)
 
Depends on the circumstances.

If we are out with friends and meeting new (non-work, non-family) friends-of-friends, or traveling, then we are usually out together and Dude (the most social of us) likes to do the introductions: "I'm Dude, this is my girlfriend, JaneQ, over there talking to the sexy redhead is her husband, MrS. The sexy redhead is my other girlfriend, Lotus, and down on the dancefloor, the tall one ?, that's her husband TT."

Say we are at a family gathering where we are not out? Then it is Me and MrS as a couple, Dude is our roommate, Lotus is his girlfriend and TT is her roommate. People can think what they want. (Swap out relevant terms for whichever "family" we are dealing with.)
 
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