What should I do? I am lost.

Michael

New member
My wife and I have been married for 9 years now. We have 3 children together. Before we meet, she dated women and had at one time a 3 year mono relationship with a woman. Within the past few years I could tell that she missed the touch of a woman. We lightly talked about it a few times. She would say things like "Lets get a girlfriend". It didn't take me long to agree, but the problem is that her attraction is to a more masculine woman. A woman who I would not like and whom would not like me. For about a year now I have known 100% that she needed to express herself for who she is. I told her that she needed to find a girlfriend. It didn't take long for that to happen. She has meet a wonderful woman and they are happy. The three of us have had discussions of polygamy, time sharing, and the future. I am completely ok with the idea of her having a girlfriend, but I think it has gone too far. It has been the plan the entire time that my wife and I would not break up the marriage because we are best friends and we want our children to have both parents at home.
Well, Its less than a month now and I know for 100% fact that she is in love with the new woman way more than she loves me. She has told me that she would not sleep with me anymore because she deems it weird. She also mentioned that for a few years she has only had sex with me because we are married and she had obligations to do so. Now that she is back into the lesbian lifestyle, she knows that is where she needs to be. Where does this leave me? I can't stop her from being lesbian. Is this a poly relationship or am I just aware that my wife has a girlfriend and is quickly pulling away from me. Should I leave the relationship? So many questions. I am lost.
 

dingedheart

Well-known member
Hello and welcome to the forum.

To me this doesn’t look like an attempt at a poly marriage / relationship but rather an exit strategy of finding someone prior to throwing in the towel. The charming bit of lemon juice in the fresh cut referring to sex with you “ for years only being out of obligation “ seems like something you’d say to hammer the point home that there is NO hope this can’t be worked on ....I had no desire to work on it then and I definitely don’t now so fuck off.

I sadly think you’d be wasting your time, money and emotional health to chase their train. I’d start planning for a divorce. Save yourself and help your kids get through this. Lesson learned don’t hook up with lesbians coming out of a bad break up. You were the rebellion rebound affair. GOOD LUCK
 

HaloOnFire

Active member
To me this doesn’t look like an attempt at a poly marriage / relationship but rather an exit strategy of finding someone prior to throwing in the towel.


Or even monkey branching her way into another relationship, prior to ending things



The charming bit of lemon juice in the fresh cut referring to sex with you “ for years only being out of obligation “ seems like something you’d say to hammer the point home that there is NO hope this can’t be worked on ....I had no desire to work on it then and I definitely don’t now so fuck off.

Mind you, I hate saying that out loud, but I think @dingedheart has got it right. That......that was....completely unnecessary, imo. It's complete overkill designed to do one thing and one thing only. Make absolutely certain that there is no hope for a reconciliation.

Lesson learned don’t hook up with lesbians coming out of a bad break up.


I would actually say do not hook up with ANYONE coming out of a bad break up.

I do not envy you this situation that you are in. This situation is many levels and all of them suck absolutely.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hello Michael,

Just a thought: What about the idea of you getting a girlfriend of your own? You and your wife could continue to live together as platonic spouses, with each of you having a girlfriend that is right for you. With four adults and three children, you might need a bigger house, I don't know. But that is one of the possibilities.

Another option is divorce, I know that's not what you planned, but maybe things have changed. An amicable divorce I would hope, if that's the route you decide to go. Cooperative parenting, so the kids can see you still care about each other. How does your wife feel about that? I hope you don't regret telling your wife to get a girlfriend, to me you did right by her, even if it hurt you in the process. This hurt does not have to be permanent, there are possibilities.

And then perhaps there is the most obvious option; that is, keep things the way they are as much as you can and pretend that your wife is still in love with you. Or you could tell your wife to stop seeing her girlfriend and work on her marriage with you instead. For that you could get a marriage counselor. But your wife would have to consent, for that to work.

Personally I vote for the first option: Find your own girlfriend, stay married and continue to live together, just with your romantic relationships with your girlfriends, and continue to be best friends and man and wife but in a platonic marriage. That might be the hardest option to try, but it has the best potential to make everyone happy. One way or another, I hope you can all work things out. I strongly encourage you to keep posting on this forum, keep describing your situation as it evolves, and get the most possible advice from the widest range of people. Good luck, and hang in there!

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 

HaloOnFire

Active member
And then perhaps there is the most obvious option; that is, keep things the way they are as much as you can and pretend that your wife is still in love with you. Or you could tell your wife to stop seeing her girlfriend and work on her marriage with you instead. For that you could get a marriage counselor. But your wife would have to consent, for that to work.


With all due respect, I do not think this is even an option. And I am citing this sentence as Exhibit A:
She also mentioned that for a few years she has only had sex with me because we are married and she had obligations to do so. Now that she is back into the lesbian lifestyle, she knows that is where she needs to be.


This sentence does not sound like someone who is going to be up for any sort of parlay with a marriage counselor. I could, however, be absolutely in the wrong about that.
 

dingedheart

Well-known member
Just a thought: What about the idea of you getting a girlfriend of your own? You and your wife could continue to live together as platonic spouses, with each of you having a girlfriend that is right for you. With four adults and three children, you might need a bigger house, I don't know. But that is one of the possibilities.

Personally I vote for the first option: Find your own girlfriend, stay married and continue to live together, just with your romantic relationships with your girlfriends, and continue to be best friends and man and wife but in a platonic marriage. That might be the hardest option to try, but it has the best potential to make everyone happy. One way or another, I hope you can all work things out. I strongly encourage you to keep posting on this forum, keep describing your situation as it evolves, and get the most possible advice from the widest range of people. Good luck, and hang in there!

LET do a quick show of hands on what sane woman would want to get involved inside that mess. YUP women are going to lined up throwing themselves at him to be the No status GF to a guy married to lesbian so she can help out with that woman’s kids. Please state why this would be a good option for Michael and for any woman unlucky enough to be roped into this ??? What’s his upside ??? Saying he’s not been divorced it’s a sham and it’s the reverse sham they had originally.
 
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Evie

Mod
It doesn't have to be a mess. In a pretty short time Michael and his wife could agree to a platonic marriage, certainly separate bedrooms, and host their partners independently. Eventually that may become a big household, but no rush. I see no reason not to date someone in a platonic marriage. And some people also don't mind dating people with kids. It's not an impossible outcome.
 

Michael

New member
I love seeing these responses. As I stated I’m lost and reading all of the comments is going to help me figure things out. She is encouraging me to get a girlfriend but like dinged heart stated, that’s not so easy to find. It would be a great option and it was thought of, just not so real life applicable.
 

dingedheart

Well-known member
It doesn't have to be a mess. In a pretty short time Michael and his wife could agree to a platonic marriage, certainly separate bedrooms, and host their partners independently. Eventually that may become a big household, but no rush. I see no reason not to date someone in a platonic marriage. And some people also don't mind dating people with kids. It's not an impossible outcome.
OK great we have a hand up saying she has no problem dating someone in a platonic marriage. Says the woman with 3 or 7 other partners depending what guest stars means. BUT I’m still wondering what is the upside remaining married to her for him instead of just peacefully parting ways and finding a gf or wife ?
 
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GalaGirl

Well-known member
It has been the plan the entire time that my wife and I would not break up the marriage because we are best friends and we want our children to have both parents at home.

Well... do you have to remain legally married to continue as best friends and have both parents at home? Live together with separate bedrooms and you each see who you want to see? Or live next door? Have a platonic open marriage for a while?

Well, Its less than a month now and I know for 100% fact that she is in love with the new woman way more than she loves me. She has told me that she would not sleep with me anymore because she deems it weird. She also mentioned that for a few years she has only had sex with me because we are married and she had obligations to do so. Now that she is back into the lesbian lifestyle, she knows that is where she needs to be.

Sounds like she's being honest with you now, even if she wasn't being totally honest with herself or you back then. Nobody likes feeling like someone else's "obligation sex."

Where does this leave me? I can't stop her from being lesbian. Is this a poly relationship or am I just aware that my wife has a girlfriend and is quickly pulling away from me.

I think it may have started poly, but it led to her discovering she prefers to be a lesbian. So now pulling away.

That is something people sometimes forget to talk about before embarking in poly/open relationship. "What happens if it comes down to everyone single? Are we prepared for that?"

Because it isn't like it automatically ends with "original couple and that other person" if the poly thing does not pan out.

Should I leave the relationship? So many questions. I am lost.
I think you could think about how the relationship will next take form.

You used to be friends, then dating, then married, then parents... maybe the next chapter is "good exes, friends and coparents?"

For her these changes might feel positive like she's moving toward living a more authentic life rather than "going though the motions."

For you these changes might feel like loss, grief, etc. So you have my sympathies.

Galagirl
 
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Evie

Mod
Finding any relationship in general isn't going to be easy, especially during a pandemic. It does take time to find a really good match and I've been gathering my 7+ (some platonic, most long distance, a few really long distance) around me for years. There's always going to be a gap between setting the intention and seeing it come to fruition. Michael, it's totally possible for you find a girlfriend while remaining married. What was the statistic? 1/3 of all Americans admitted to having at least tried ethical non monogamy in their adult lives. It's becoming more acceptable, and your situation is not an insurmountable one. Put yourself out there and be honest about your circumstances. Ensure you have agreements with you wife about making sure you each have time each week set aside for you (both) to be able to date without the responsibility of childcare, and then find places where you can strike up conversations with people you find interesting. Keep communication flowing and embrace a little optimism.
 

Michael

New member
Thank you. I think I’m just struggling with the idea that I’ve been replaced. I will keep thinking and looking. Thank you for the advice.
 

dingedheart

Well-known member
Thank you. I think I’m just struggling with the idea that I’ve been replaced. I will keep thinking and looking. Thank you for the advice.
You might want to consider professional counseling to talk some of this through. AND in your current state I wouldn’t agree to anything Structural and if you can leave and get away for a bit to think and clear you head do it.
 

dingedheart

Well-known member
Finding any relationship in general isn't going to be easy, especially during a pandemic.
YES very true. One thing your left out in this poly dating pool it’s ( x ) harder for men.

It does take time to find a really good match and I've been gathering my 7+ (some platonic, most long distance, a few really long distance) around me for years.
great testimonial if he was poly and a women looking for a Bf. Sadly he might have been conned for 2 plus yrs and NOW has been delivered a big package of poly hell all at once.

There's always going to be a gap between setting the intention and seeing it come to fruition. Michael, it's totally possible for you find a girlfriend while remaining married. What was the statistic? 1/3 of all Americans admitted to having at least tried ethical non monogamy in their adult lives. It's becoming more acceptable, and your situation is not an insurmountable one.
what’s the intention ?? To stay legally married?? To pretend to be married why. He didn’t choose this he was being generous and accommodating for his wife and look where it got himl. SO WHY on earth would this be good for him.
I still don’t get it ??

You realize the wife and the gf aren’t actually poly right ??? Michael didn’t sign up for and wasn’t looking for poly ever BBUT now he’s the one in this group who needs to adapt try to lead ethical non monogamous life. WHY ? And for what . To carry that label only handicaps himself. He Confines himself to a very limited / small pool to be chained to
dynamic he didn’t sign up for.

Put yourself out there and be honest about your circumstances. Ensure you have agreements with you wife about making sure you each have time each week set aside for you (both) to be able to date without the responsibility of childcare,
are you serious. What good will that do ? That liable to change at a moments notice.

and then find places where you can strike up conversations with people you find interesting. Keep communication flowing and embrace a little optimism.
I agree with this. It’s going to suck but it will get better and maybe a lot better. Imagine sex with a partner or wife who was passionate for you, etc.
 
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Evie

Mod
Michael didn’t sign up for and wasn’t looking for poly ever BBUT now he’s the one in this group who needs to adapt try to lead ethical non monogamous life. WHY?
It has been the plan the entire time that my wife and I would not break up the marriage because we are best friends and we want our children to have both parents at home.
 

dingedheart

Well-known member
Michael didn’t sign up for and wasn’t looking for poly ever BBUT now he’s the one in this group who needs to adapt try to lead ethical non monogamous life. WHY?
It has been the plan the entire time that my wife and I would not break up the marriage because we are best friends and we want our children to have both parents at home.

YES ....I think that plan was hatched before she disclosed the part about obligation sex ...AND BEFORE she wanted to cut off all sexual contact in favor of her gf / lover. That was then this is now
 

HaloOnFire

Active member
YES ....I think that plan was hatched before she disclosed the part about obligation sex ...AND BEFORE she wanted to cut off all sexual contact in favor of her gf / lover. That was then this is now


I completely agree with this assessment. This whole thing doesn't pass the sniff test, if not outright smacking of being a set up from the get go.
 

Evie

Mod
Honestly, right now I see it as they are basically separated in all but divorce papers and are making a choice to either co-parent in the same house and maintain a platonic marriage (with honoured agreements around childcare to enable dating) or co-parent in different houses a la traditional divorce (which would guarantee time available to date but have a bunch of other hassles). Either way, the girlfriend is here to stay and Michael's only option for a sex life is elsewhere. If his wife is honestly his friend, best friend at that, and the girlfriend isn't a complete bitch, then all three of them can work towards a highly functional "modern family."
 

HaloOnFire

Active member
Either way, the girlfriend is here to stay and Michael's only option for a sex life is elsewhere. If his wife is honestly his friend, best friend at that, and the girlfriend isn't a complete bitch, then all three of them can work towards a highly functional "modern family."


I think at this stage of the game, while the wife may be the husband's best friend, clearly the wife does not reciprocate that feeling. And with all due respect, one does not treat one's best friend in this manner.
 
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