What Would You Do? Long Distance Relationship

[LifeIsStrange]

I literally just made this account, so I apologize for lack of terminology, etc.

I am married to a man and I’ve been with my gf for about 10 months. My gf and I are long distance (a little over 2 hr drive), and I think we broke up yesterday. We reached the conclusion that neither of us wanted to be long distance forever, and neither of our families plan on relocating any time soon. So I think we mutually ended it. We are in a weird place right now.

What would you do? Are there LDRs that never have plans to close the gap, and they just live life and that’s how it is?

I figured it would hurt less if we ended things now, rather than later. And now I’m wondering if it was a mistake. I want her in my life and I don’t want to never see her again. We both definitely love each other very much. I just don’t know what to do or how to solve this.

What would you do? Any advice?

 

[kdt26417]

Hello LifeIsStrange,

If I were in your shoes, I would just transition to just being friends with the girlfriend. Like chatting and texting and stuff, nothing too heavy. Maybe even visits once in a great while, but not too often given the two-hour driving distance.

LDR's are hard. Sorry you are going through this one.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry to hear about the break up.

LDRs are tough.

I figured it would hurt less if we ended things now rather than later. And now I’m wondering if it was a mistake? I want her in my life and I don’t want to never see her again. We both definitely love eachother very much. I just don’t know what to do or how to solve this.
What would you do? Any advice?

I don't think there is anything to "solve." You are in break up grief. Your emotions are going to be all over the place as you move through grief and eventually heal.

It JUST happened too. So go easy on yourself in the coming days, weeks, months. Grief catches people differently and sometimes out of the blue.

Take some time apart to heal.

Galagirl

 

[Magdlyn]

Personally, I need my partners to be within a 30 minute drive of me, tops. I know many people do LDRs these days, due to meeting them on the internet playing a video game, or through another kind of hobby group. However, many find it very unsatisfying to be unable to see and hold their partners on a regular basis.

If you find it unsatisfying, like I do, it's wise to listen to yourself and not try to keep things going.

If you've been in an actual in-person relationship, and one partner needs to travel for work, that's different. But keeping something going long term over a long distance is hard. And it's expensive. On the other hand, some poly people do have what is called "comet" relationships, where the other partner comes and goes. Maybe you only see them once every 3 months, or 6 months, or even once a year. Generally though, these kinds of people also have at least two partners whom they live with or near and see very often or all the time.

 

[MeeraReed]

It sounds like you should talk to her again to clarify if you have broken up or not. I can't tell from your post if the breakup was clear or still pending?

In theory, a big part of what appeals to me about non-monogamy and/or polyamory is that you can have relationships that are outside of what a conventional relationship is supposed to look like. This can include long-distance relationships that last for years with no plans to close the gap, relationships where the people live alone / live in separate houses for their entire lives, "comet" partners who see each other once or twice a year for years, relationships that transition from serious love to more like infrequent friends-with-benefits, etc. Many, many possibilities.

In reality, all of those things can be very hard to do successfully. (Not that a "conventional" relationship isn't also hard, of course).

You could discuss the possibility of whether your gf would want to try transitioning to a less involved relationship where you see each other less frequently. Like, maybe you see each other for a three-day weekend every other month or every three months, so the distance feels more like what would be normal travel for an occasional weekend trip, that's just the structure of your relationship.

But it depends what you both want. Is your goal to find a serious partner (other than your spouse) who lives close to you? Would continuing to see your gf get in the way of fulfilling that goal? If you found a closer serious partner, would you still have time to see your distance girlfriend? How many poly relationships would you ideally want?

I think poly relationships often do involve some distance and/or seeing some partners infrequently. Physical distance could even be a positive feature of some relationships. A poly person raising a family with a primary/nesting partner, for example, might be happy going away for an occasional long weekend with another poly person doing the same thing, and the long-distance partners don't feel the need to be involved in each other's daily lives.

But some people just don't like any long distance and aren't able to maintain connections that way.

 

[Magdlyn]

A poly person raising a family with a primary/nesting partner, for example, might be happy going away for an occasional long weekend with another poly person doing the same thing, and the long-distance partners don't feel the need to be involved in each other's daily lives.

This part: that sounds fun, to get away for a romantic three day weekend with a sexy lovey partner, especially if you're getting a break from the exhausting drudgery of raising young children, say. Boxed mac and cheese, chicken nuggets and spilt juice with the kids? Crumbs, crying, poopy pants, and watching a Disney movie for the 50th time? Or, sushi and sake and martinis and lovely music and a long walk along a river garden, followed by uninterrupted sex? Hmm... Easy choice. Just be careful your nesting partner isn't left behind with the crying and the poop. They need to get breaks too, and you both should make sure you hire a sitter and do getaways of your own, if possible. That's a tricky one.

But some people just don't like any long distance and aren't able to maintain connections that way.

 

[MeeraReed]

This part: that sounds fun, to get away for a romantic three day weekend with a sexy lovey partner, especially if you're getting a break from the exhausting drudgery of raising young children, say. Boxed mac and cheese, chicken nuggets and spilt juice with the kids? Crumbs, crying, poopy pants, and watching a Disney movie for the 50th time? Or, sushi and sake and martinis and lovely music and a long walk along a river garden, followed by uninterrupted sex? Hmm... Easy choice. Just be careful your nesting partner isn't left behind with the crying and the poop. They need to get breaks too, and you both should make sure you hire a sitter and do getaways of your own, if possible. That's a tricky one.

Sure, but I was thinking of situations where, for example, the partner staying home prefers that no metamours are in their daily life or frequently visiting their shared home or meeting their kids or hanging out with their mutual friends. (Maybe not that drastic, but just a preference for keeping poly relationships largely separate from their day-to-day life). Happy to send their partner away for a weekend to visit a long-distance bf/gf, but no interest in integrating a metamour into their own daily life.

Maybe that kind of thing wouldn't be sustainable long-term or would be emotionally difficult. But I just meant it as an example of how long-distance might be a feature not a problem for a poly relationship.

 

[MoPoly]

The success of a LDR? Like everything in life, it really depends on the people involved, and their needs, desires and expectations. I had a wonderful 8 year poly LDR where we saw each other twice a year for a dedicated full week each time. Between we mainly wrote letter-style emails - long ones expressing our inner thoughts (almost like writing a diary) - just one a week so there was no pressure to have to reply instantly, and used occasional texts for shorter messages. We both had very full working lives with NPs and children, so didn’t have any gaps to fill or longing for more, but loved each other too. The time we put aside for ‘us’ we focussed entirely on each other. Being fully ‘in the present moment’ made each week stretch and feel like a month. It was a glorious, deep, wonderful, intimate, sexually explosive relationship that enriched us both in so many ways.

However, had I had gaps in my life of the intimacy, sex, longing, loneliness, or love, it would not have worked. Also it wasn’t first-time NRE so I could observe the NRE longings but keep them in perspective and enjoy them without going nuts In fact, because of the space between encounters the NRE lasted the whole 8 years. Yes it required self-discipline at times because of course I always yearn for more, more, more of a good thing! But the depth of our relationship was incredible.

It ended due to changes in their health circumstances and mobility but we still send the occasional loving message.

I’m sorry you’re hurting LifeIsStrange. If you both miss each other too much perhaps you can discuss how it might work for you as there is no one ‘right way’.

 

[MeeraReed]

The success of a LDR? Like everything in life, it really depends on the people involved, and their needs, desires and expectations. I had a wonderful 8 year poly LDR where we saw each other twice a year for a dedicated full week each time. Between we mainly wrote letter-style emails - long ones expressing our inner thoughts (almost like writing a diary) - just one a week so there was no pressure to have to reply instantly, and used occasional texts for shorter messages. We both had very full working lives with NPs and children, so didn’t have any gaps to fill or longing for more, but loved each other too. The time we put aside for ‘us’ we focussed entirely on each other. Being fully ‘in the present moment’ made each week stretch and feel like a month. It was a glorious, deep, wonderful, intimate, sexually explosive relationship that enriched us both in so many ways.

However, had I had gaps in my life of the intimacy, sex, longing, loneliness, or love, it would not have worked. Also it wasn’t first-time NRE so I could observe the NRE longings but keep them in perspective and enjoy them without going nuts In fact, because of the space between encounters the NRE lasted the whole 8 years. Yes it required self-discipline at times because of course I always yearn for more, more, more of a good thing! But the depth of our relationship was incredible.

It ended due to changes in their health circumstances and mobility but we still send the occasional loving message.

I’m sorry you’re hurting LifeIsStrange. If you both miss each other too much perhaps you can discuss how it might work for you as there is no one ‘right way’.

That sounds lovely, MoPoly.

That's exactly what I was trying to convey--that kind of situation can flourish in poly, whereas most monogamous people would not want to spend 8 years seeing their partner only 2 weeks per year.

Just out of curiosity, how did your NP and children handle the weeks where you were away visiting your LDR partner? Did your NP get weeklong vacations for themselves / their other partner(s) too?

 

[FishstickFrank]

Greetings,
My wife started an LDR, and we’ve decided to open things up and kinda just go day by day. There has been talk about her infatuated friend moving to a closer state, or nearby so they can see each other.

I have decided to play it by ear, and whatever happens will be. Personally, I find the infatuation/newly found romance obscenely adorable. Since I started supporting her in this, and loving her for who she is, respecting how she feels - she’s been absolutely glowing! It is astounding.

As far as advice goes, patience. LDRs are complex and frustrating until all parties agree to make sacrifice, or one is willing to make the jump for love. Make day trips to visit each other (if you haven’t). Love means dropping your fears, and trusting your partner(s).

 

[MoPoly]

Just out of curiosity, how did your NP and children handle the weeks where you were away visiting your LDR partner? Did your NP get weeklong vacations for themselves / their other partner(s) too?

The children were older and teens by then. For them it wasn’t any different to me having to travel for work. I’d phone in briefly every other day. I’d also brought them up to be quite independent so they didn’t feel anxious with me not being there.

As for my NP, they had the same. Sometimes longer, 2 or 3 weeks if an overseas trip was involved. But, right from day one, we’d agreed on allowing space in our relationship. It is lovely to have time apart and return with new stories, jokes, excitement to share. Sometimes, if a teen was acting out, NP was stressed and I’d increase the call frequency to offer at least listening support. And make sure to show lots of appreciation on my return!

 

[LaminarFlow]

LDRs can work depending on the people and situation.

I can only speak from my own experience, that could give you something to marinate about. There was a time when one of my partners was a primary partner, and we de-escalated after two years to a LDR/comet situation after a huge, long pause of disconnect. We both felt that we were very significant in each other's lives. So maybe take a step back and try to ACCEPT it will not be more than a comet and it could definitely work. If you give yourself that time and headspace for that dynamic, you could consider having her back in your life that way and starting fresh.

We did not keep up with the dailies, giving room for other things to flourish. But at least we were both in each other's lives and it was always this magical and out-of-this-world experience. This went on for almost a decade.

 

[Ariakas]

I wanted to answer this without influence.

LDRs are absolutely the most brutal form of part-time relationship possible for me. I need touch, I need interaction, I need consistency. An LDR was brutally difficult on my mental health and I would not engage again.

My gf lives 45 minutes away and I see her, max, 1 day a week, and if we can co-ord a sleepover (we both have sleep anxiety) then that day might be an overnight. The 45 minute drive is too damn far sometimes.

 

[Evie]

I have two LDRs, one that has always been, and one that drifts in and out of LDR depending on surrounding life circumstances. There are no children involved in either.

As for closing the gap, I'd love to spend some time much nearer the one that has always been long distance. But who knows. I have financial responsibilities to my husband that will probably prevent me from doing that as I couldn't support myself and send money home if I was working near my US distance partner.

My long distance relationships are 3.25 hours away on a good run, and a hemisphere away, so honestly, I deeply envy your 2 hours lol. I'd happily finish work on a Friday evening, drive 2 hours and spend the weekend at a partner's place, I used to do just that, except it was 3.5 hours to one partner and 2 hours to the other (now and ex), alternate weekends. Sundays could be difficult, leaving again, but that was partly the job I had at the time.

I don't do the weekend drive anymore. I make 4 day plans generally with hubby, sometimes there, sometimes here. I make sporadic visits with my US partner, but we're trying to make them closer together. Saving is hard in this current economy, and doesn't look like it will get any easier.

As for what you should do...what does your heart say? Long distance relationships are hard, but you can love someone romantically, talk regularly, and visit occasionally.

 

[SlowPoly]

Sure, but I was thinking of situations where, for example, the partner staying home prefers that no metamours are in their daily life or frequently visiting their shared home or meeting their kids or hanging out with their mutual friends. (Maybe not that drastic, but just a preference for keeping poly relationships largely separate from their day-to-day life). Happy to send their partner away for a weekend to visit a long-distance bf/gf, but no interest in integrating a metamour into their own daily life.

Maybe that kind of thing wouldn't be sustainable long-term or would be emotionally difficult. But I just meant it as an example of how long-distance might be a feature not a problem for a poly relationship.

This is the kind of LDR I had with Mitch for five years, though that depends on how you count. Could say as many as 20 years.

I was his comet, and I expected him to eventually find a wife and live a normal, monogamous life. I’d not cheat with him, he knew, but I’d always come back around when any potential mono relationships ended. I was as sure of that as I can be about any lifelong commitment.

Well, expectation be damned, we ended up deciding to be a lot closer, nesting and co-parenting these last 9 and a half years. And now Woof (my former spouse and co-parent) is my 2-hrs-away LDR. Woof and I expect to live near each other again someday, but it’s not essential.

I’ll live alone when Little One flies the nest, and I’ll have (at least) two non-nesting partners, at whatever distance our lives allow.

So, yeah. LDRs don’t have to escalate to nearer relationships, but they can. On the other hand they can develop from a de-escalation, or just start as LDR and continue for years (as probably would have happened for me and Mitch, with slightly different luck).

It’s all down to what you and your people want and can tolerate. You say neither of you wants an LDR to continue forever. But it sounds like you reached that conclusion pretty fast. Maybe think about it more.

It’s possible you’re stuck in a place of thinking the relationship escalator defines a healthy relationship. Or maybe there are other reasons a long term LDR would never work for you (see above for examples).

It’s also possible (just generally — not specifically in your case) for someone to use the (socially legitimate) objection to an eternal LDR as an excuse for breaking up. Not much to do about that case, but it would still be helpful to figure out your tolerance for long term LDR, as you seem to be doing here.

Good luck. I hope you work it out.

 

[River]

My gf and I are long distance (a little over 2 hr drive), and I think we broke up yesterday. We reached the conclusion that neither of us wanted to be long distance forever, and neither of our families plan on relocating any time soon. So I think we mutually ended it. We are in a weird place right now.

Umm. My new girlfriend lives in Germany. And I live in New Mexico, USA. So a two hour drive seems extremely nearby to me. LOL. Neither of us want to end our relationship just on account of there being an Atlantic Ocean between us. But neither of us have easy answers to the conundrum of it all, either.