When things change for you...

My husband and I have been together for 3 years. He’s been in the lifestyle for years, but it was all new to me. He also struggles with Sex addiction. He was always up front and honest from the get go about who he was and what he wanted, and I told him I thought I could handle this life.
But lately I’m really struggling with accepting his need for other women and not being enough for him and wishing we could be more monogamous. I know it’s not fair to flip the script on him after we got married, so I can see why he would feel resentful. I tell myself all the rational answers of why I chose a poly, and that I will do whatever it takes to make this work, but I feel no control of how my emotions would be affected and what it does to me. I feel like it’s leading to big self esteem and self worth issues, and a constant shame and guilt spiral because I can’t give him what he needs and desires. I know if I cannot find a way to deal with my emotions I will lose my husband. We still love each other so much, but what do you do when you can’t find a middle ground that makes you both happy? How do you force yourself to be ok with something that hurts? How do I learn to lesson that feeling I get knowing he is texting or flirting with other women, much less having sex with them? When am I enabling a bad addictive behavior versus being open in the lifestyle?
I feel so hopeless lately and lost.
 

Jeanny89

New member
My husband and I have been together for 3 years. He’s been in the lifestyle for years, but it was all new to me. He also struggles with Sex addiction. He was always up front and honest from the get go about who he was and what he wanted, and I told him I thought I could handle this life.
But lately I’m really struggling with accepting his need for other women and not being enough for him and wishing we could be more monogamous. I know it’s not fair to flip the script on him after we got married, so I can see why he would feel resentful. I tell myself all the rational answers of why I chose a poly, and that I will do whatever it takes to make this work, but I feel no control of how my emotions would be affected and what it does to me. I feel like it’s leading to big self esteem and self worth issues, and a constant shame and guilt spiral because I can’t give him what he needs and desires. I know if I cannot find a way to deal with my emotions I will lose my husband. We still love each other so much, but what do you do when you can’t find a middle ground that makes you both happy? How do you force yourself to be ok with something that hurts? How do I learn to lesson that feeling I get knowing he is texting or flirting with other women, much less having sex with them? When am I enabling a bad addictive behavior versus being open in the lifestyle?
I feel so hopeless lately and lost.
I’m in a very actual similar situation, the only difference is that we have 2 children together and unmarried. I feel the same way however I’m now having the feeling of wanting to have another man while he goes to be with these other women. I’ve made comments about it but it has led to some very bad and emotional break up conversations. I don’t know how long I will be able to last in feeling lonely and not enough for him when he is gone.
 

Magdlyn

Well-known member
My husband and I have been together for 3 years. He’s been in the lifestyle for years, but it was all new to me.
Many polyamorists do not like polyamory to be called a "lifestyle." Swingers and people into BDSM call those practices "the lifestyle," to avoid stigma around them.

Polyamory is more of a love style than a lifestyle. We all have different lifestyles. We just happen to be open to having more than one romantic relationship.
He also struggles with Sex addiction.
So, you married an addict. I wonder why.

He was always up front and honest from the get go about who he was and what he wanted, and I told him I thought I could handle this life.
This life of being married to someone who puts sex before everything, including you, his job, his kids (if any) and his bank account? How does one "handle" that?

You may be surprised to learn that polyamory is not about sex, per se. This new term is often slapped on other kinds of behaviors, to excuse them. Polyamory is done by informed and consenting adults, and is based upon mutual respect and honor, great communication, clear and respectful negotiation, and equitable splitting of resources such as time and money.
But lately I’m really struggling with accepting his need for other women and not being enough for him and wishing we could be more monogamous. I know it’s not fair to flip the script on him after we got married, so I can see why he would feel resentful.
This is true. Did you think you could "fix" him, change him? By being enough, good enough, sexy enough, accommodating enough, he'd decide to stop being an addict just because you were so wonderful? That's not how addiction, or polyamory for that matter, work.
I tell myself all the rational answers of why I chose a poly, and that I will do whatever it takes to make this work,

"Doing whatever it takes" might not be good for YOU. You're putting your marriage above your own needs and self-honoring.
but I feel no control of how my emotions would be affected and what it does to me. I feel like it’s leading to big self esteem and self worth issues, and a constant shame and guilt spiral because I can’t give him what he needs and desires. I know if I cannot find a way to deal with my emotions I will lose my husband.
Or maybe you will take your agency and leave your husband, since he's not right for YOU.
We still love each other so much, but what do you do when you can’t find a middle ground that makes you both happy? How do you force yourself to be ok with something that hurts? How do I learn to lessen that feeling I get knowing he is texting or flirting with other women, much less having sex with them? When am I enabling a bad addictive behavior versus being open in the lifestyle?
I feel so hopeless lately and lost.
It's not a lifestyle. And he's not polyamorous, he's an addict. Or so you say. I am going by your words.

You can't force yourself to be OK living with an addict, or a polysexual person. If you've decided you'd rather have a monogamous husband, you've got the wrong guy. You can continue to care about him if you split up.

He probably has a lot of charisma, if he can get women right and left. So, you're lured by his charms, his flirting, his probably good sex skills. But still, you're left alone a lot while he's out enjoying the latest new gal. And that's not enough for you.
 
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dierdre080

New member
I tell myself all the rational answers of why I chose a poly, and that I will do whatever it takes to make this work, but I feel no control of how my emotions would be affected and what it does to me. I feel like it’s leading to big self esteem and self worth issues, and a constant shame and guilt spiral because I can’t give him what he needs and desires.
The thing about polyamory is that all partners should be concerned with the needs of all partners. You are spending so much time and emotional energy on obsessing about your husband's needs and wants. Who is doing the same for you?

Look- I am not saying that this life is FOR YOU- it is not for everyone, but I am saying that there is a chance that there are issues in your relationship that are not straight indicative of being poly. As Magdylan was saying, there is a chance that the behaviors that are causing you so much sadness are those of the sex addict, not the poly person. Being married to an addict is a really challenging thing. If he is happy being an addict, and doesn't want to change or to figure out the underlying causes of the addiction, you aren't going to be able to change that behavior.

I think you need to ask yourself - if you two were in a monogamous relationship, how would the sex addiction be presenting itself? I can't speak for your husband, but my hunch is that it would involve cheating. At least he is honest about his actions- but that does not mean that you are required to be okay with it. There is nothing wrong with this being a line that you need to draw in the sand and stick to.
 

Marcus

Well-known member
He also struggles with Sex addiction.

What does this sex addiction look like? Does it promote destructive behavior of some kind?

We still love each other so much, but what do you do when you can’t find a middle ground that makes you both happy?

Personally I'm not in favor of "middle ground" or "compromise" when it comes to qualities fundamental to our ability to flourish. You want to compromise on Italian or Indian for dinner? Go for it. You want to compromise on having a sense of belonging and comfort and being unhappy and resentful? Oh hell no.

Loving someone and being compatible in a traditional nesting relationship can be miles apart. I love plenty of people and I wouldn't get into a nesting partnership with all of them. I would put some effort into intellectualizing the situation you are in, and stepping away from the emotionalism of "but we lurve each other". No one doubts that you love each other, but that's not the issue you are looking to resolve.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Greetings Browneyedgirl420,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

You can't wave a magic wand and make yourself consent to something, consent has to flow naturally from within, or not at all. If you want monogamy, then that's what you want. And that is okay. It is okay to speak your mind. Tell your husband that you no longer want poly. Then the ball is in his court, to respect your wishes. You are his wife, he owes you that much.

It sounds like he's using poly to enable his sex addiction.
With sympathy,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
He was always up front and honest from the get go about who he was and what he wanted, and I told him I thought I could handle this life.

You know what? It is ok to change your mind.

You thought you could handle it. After 3 years, you find you cannot.

I tell myself all the rational answers of why I chose a poly, and that I will do whatever it takes to make this work, but I feel no control of how my emotions would be affected and what it does to me. I feel like it’s leading to big self esteem and self worth issues, and a constant shame and guilt spiral because I can’t give him what he needs and desires. I know if I cannot find a way to deal with my emotions I will lose my husband.

Why are you so fearful of breaking up with husband? You guys can't work toward being good exes and friends instead? It HAS to be romance /marriage shape with him?

And to do that... you are ok losing yourself, your self worth, self esteem, because you are going against your values? You could treat yourself better than that. You can say "I love you a lot but not even for you will I do stuff that hurts me."

We still love each other so much, but what do you do when you can’t find a middle ground that makes you both happy?

You accept that love alone is not enough to sustain a relationship in this manner. Something has to change.

It sounds like you want opposite things in life. He wants open relationships with many partners and you want monogamy. These things do not align so you can be spouses and romantic partners.

How do you force yourself to be ok with something that hurts?

I don't. Love doesn't have to "hurt" or "be proven" or "sacrificed for" or anything like that. I believe love is shared. And sometimes the most loving act is to let go.

Why would you be so unkind to yourself that you want to force yourself to ignore bad feelings and keep doing things you know hurts you?

How do I learn to lessen that feeling I get knowing he is texting or flirting with other women, much less having sex with them?

Could LISTEN to the feelings instead. This is not newbie stuff if you've been at this 3 years. Your feelings are telling you that you are participating in something that just isn't your thing. If you keep going against your own grain going along with stuff you really don't want to do? Of course you are going to feel yucky.

When am I enabling a bad addictive behavior versus being open in the lifestyle?

Whose bad behavior? Are you saying you are so addicted to him that's why you keep going even though its bad for you here like this?

He was honest with you about himself. I think you could be honest with yourself if you tried participating in open relationships and found it's not for you.

Because if you want monogamy whether he is doing "bad addictive behavior" or "doing open relationships?" Neither one is the monogamy you want. Right?

I feel so hopeless lately and lost.

I'm sorry you are dealing in anticipatory grief. I can imagine it does feel kinda hopeless and lost. Like here you though your marriage would end up like THIS... and now you are coming to terms that it isn't going to wind up that way. :(

You may be tempted to bargain, scramble around for ways to keep it going... but hon, if you are hurting THIS bad? You might have to do some soul searching and come to terms that you gave it your best shot for a few years. But no.... it's not your scene and you don't like it, and you aren't going to ask him to do stuff he doesn't wany or like either (monogamy)

Then have the talks with husband you need to have about a peaceful split.

You tried to give it a go and found it's not working out.

If you part ways due to fundamental differences? You can be free FROM all this stuff you don't want. And he can be free TO pursue all this stuff he does want.

I don't see how sticking around in an unfulfilling open marriage for you is great if you are going against your own grain.

And if he does monogamy just to please you? Then he's the one doing stuff he really doesn't want to be doing going against HIS grain.

Sounds like marriage shape doesn't fit well here.

Is it so horrible to change to "good exes and friends shape" so you don't loose each other but can both live more freely and true to who each of you is?

Galagirl
 
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dingedheart

Well-known member
But lately I’m really struggling with accepting his need for other women and not being enough for him and wishing we could be more monogamous.

Is the word “ more “ just casual inaccurate speech? OR are you suggesting there’s room for compromise if he dialed things back a bit ?


I know it’s not fair to flip the script on him after we got married, so I can see why he would feel resentful. I tell myself all the rational answers of why I chose a poly, and that I will do whatever it takes to make this work, but I feel no control of how my emotions would be affected and what it does to me. I feel like it’s leading to big self esteem and self worth issues, and a constant shame and guilt spiral because I can’t give him what he needs and desires. I know if I cannot find a way to deal with my emotions I will lose my husband. We still love each other so much, but what do you do when you can’t find a middle ground that makes you both happy?
Hey everyone who comes her after being poly bomb mentions NOT signing up for that when getting married and that it’s OK auto change your mind. So flipping the script and MONO Bombing is fair too.


How do you force yourself to be ok with something that hurts? How do I learn to lesson that feeling I get knowing he is texting or flirting with other women, much less having sex with them? When am I enabling a bad addictive behavior versus being open in the lifestyle?
I feel so hopeless lately and lost.

Over the yrs I’ve pondered all the subtle differences of compartmentalization, processing, denial, identifying triggers the main goal in all of that is to feel less bad and or feel better about ones situation. To me it was like taking these things individually wrapping them up in some logic wrapper / ball and shoving them under water out of sight. However there’s just enough air inside those balls that they always pushing toward the surface. And the more balls we have to keep underwater the harder it is to not let the whole batch go.

Smart thing is to save yourself in this .....especially from a health prospective. You‘re exposed to lots of health risks IMO.
 

Magdlyn

Well-known member
Is the word “more“ just casual inaccurate speech? Or are you suggesting there’s room for compromise if he dialed things back a bit?

Hey, everyone who comes her after being poly-bombed mentions NOT signing up for that when getting married, and that it’s OK to change your mind. So flipping the script and MONO-bombing is fair too.
To be honest, a spouse coming out as poly can seem more like a bomb explosion than someone who tried polyamory (or poly/mono), and while they thought they could go against cultural conditioning, after 3 years, they just can't hack it. And this situation doesn't even sound like actual polyamory-- it's just polysexuality, or NRE addiction, or sex addiction.
Over the years, I’ve pondered all the subtle differences between compartmentalization, processing, denial, and identifying triggers. The main goal in all of that was to feel less bad, and/or feel better about my situation. To me, it was like taking these things individually, wrapping them up in some logic wrapper/ball and shoving them under water out of sight. However, there’s just enough air inside those balls that they always push toward the surface. And the more balls we have to keep underwater, the harder it is to not let the whole batch go.

The smart thing is to save yourself in this, especially from a health prospective. You‘re exposed to lots of health risks IMO.
"Lots of health risks." Well, maybe he uses condoms. Maybe the OP makes sure he uses them with her, at least . Otherwise, it's the Covid risk, yes! That's tough on everyone, but especially on polyamorous people; polysexual people; swingers; people who like to hook up for one night, with a different person every night; and cheaters.
 
Thanks everyone for your feedback, lots of great advice and perspectives for me to think through.

I agree with all of you that I do need to do some work on loving myself more, whether in or out of a relationship and not out so much pressure on myself, which is hard because I’m a perfectionist. I think that my own confidence is probably the biggest change for me over the last few months. I used to handle things a lot better and even enjoyed being a part of a more open relationship. Some jealousy and normal emotions that come with poly we’re there, but nothing he did was so soul shattering that it changed how I felt about myself because I had so much self-love and was going on my own journey at the same time. I don’t know where it happened along the way, but I’ve lost that confidence, and that’s probably the slow progression over the last few months that has changed my emotional stability more.

Without writing a whole novel about it all, I should probably mention more on our story. My husband has been taking care of his family his whole life. His sister is a drug addict, living on the streets and selling her body and having multiple kids over and over through the the years. my husband has been taking care of her children since they were each born and carrying a huge weight. It’s an endless cycle with her and when I married him I became an Instamom to 5 children. I know that’s a huge change to take on for me! I already struggle with anxiety, so taking on kids, marriage, working from home and a pandemic had caused my own mental health to be more fragile.

His family history also explains a lot where my husbands Sex addiction comes from. Because it was a habit he could have that still allowed him to function day to day and be dad to all these kids, and cope with the extreme pressure he’s had on himself. It had never really been a negative in his life, at least in his mind. I think the control issue that makes it an addiction for him is that he NEEDS that stimulation from so many women every single day, even if it’s just a text, and it has stunted his ability to have real relationships over the years. I’m the first woman that has made him feel like he can be his true self with and i will love him anyways. He’s making a lot of progress in therapy, etc to work on that addiction, but you can’t change the blueprint of your whole life for at least 20 years over night. He needs a little patience and compassion for what that struggle is because he’s going to have weak moments and I am asking a lot. I also believe that even if he does get his addiction under control, there will be some part of him that needs sexual freedom, whether that’s in poly, swinging, BDSM, etc. and I don’t know exactly what that will end up looking like for him.

Maybe you guys are right and I’m sacrificing some of my own happiness in trying to “force” myself to be ok with something, but I don’t want to totally give up on us yet because I get a lot of positive things from this marriage too and we have 5 children who have been through a lot of trauma in their lives to consider as well. We have so much love and joy together, and while I won’t minimize that this is a HUGE issue in a relationship, I also think there a lot of other things we could be dealing with and i don’t think it has to mean it’s the end. No relationship is perfect and we are both willing to do the work it takes to make this a better situation, it just takes time to get there. I can’t just give up because we aren’t there yet.

I totally believe that I want something in between poly and monogamy. Not necessarily total monogamy, because I’m “newly discovered” bisexual and do see myself exploring that side of myself more. I’ve even had shared girlfriends with him in the past and I felt like it helped our relationship. But I yearn for it to be something we can explore together and that brings us closer versus how I feel lately.

Thanks again everyone!

p.s.: Sorry if I offended anyone in calling poly a lifestyle. I’m still learning what all the different segments of love and sexuality are, and what they mean to me, so I am not always up to speed on what’s the correct terminology.
 
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I'm new to all this vocabulary, too. I'm honestly surprised that people don't think of it as a lifestyle. I know that sometime semantics dictate that you just settle on a meaning for the sake of clear conversation, but for me, it absolutely has been a change in the way I live my entire life! I suspect that some of your motivations are still rooted in codependence, but no one but you knows the nuance of your heart and mind, so I don't presume to be correct in my suspicion.

As for something between, I think they call that monogamish. And I think that's the kingdom of unicorn hunters and thrill seekers. Of course I don't judge people for how they seek out fulfilment, but for me, that would feel like leaving one foot in the bear trap! Keep searching; your answers are in there!
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
Thank you for more info.

It sounds like you want something more like "calmer poly" or even just "a calmer life." Is that true?

You mentioned husband is in therapy. And that you are under a lot of stress from the anxiety, raising 5 kids, struggling marriage, working from home, and a pandemic.

Have you considered your own therapy or couples therapy? You are dealing with complex issues. Maybe with a therapist you can better define what "getting there" benchmarks are and what defines "Time to end it. Good try, but nope. Not enough." You sound like you need help but you have a lot going on. More than internet strangers can help you with -- sounds like a professional might be needed.

I also believe that even if he does get his addiction under control, there will be some part of him that needs sexual freedom, whether that’s in poly, swinging, BDSM, etc. and I don’t know exactly what that will end up looking like for him.

Can you deal with that?

But I yearn for it to be something we can explore together and that brings us closer versus how I feel lately.

You sound lonely.

How much time does husband actually spend with you being a couple? Not like paying bills or making dinner for all these kids? But just you and him?

I think the control issue that makes it an addiction for him is that he NEEDS that stimulation from so many women every single day, even if it’s just a text, and it has stunted his ability to have real relationships over the years.

So you are settling for a stunted relationship then? Hoping it might change later?

Maybe you guys are right and I’m sacrificing some of my own happiness in trying to “force” myself to be ok with something,

Are you? You are the only one who can answer that.

What if you have a trial separation? He works on himself and you see if there's been enough improvement to keep going? Or maybe you find you like being apart and finish breaking up? It sounds like something has to change somewhere cuz more of same would just be more ugh for you.

I don’t want to totally give up on us yet because I get a lot of positive things from this marriage too

Such as? You don't have to list here. But maybe you do a pros and cons list to show a therapist?

we have 5 children who have been through a lot of trauma in their lives to consider as well.

Yes. And you being there or not being there... They are still going to have a bio mom who is kinda messed up on drugs and stuff. And and uncle took them in rather than have them placed with other relatives or put up for adoption with other people.

If he's putting the bulk of that child raising on you? That's a problem.

Did you even want this many children? Does raising nieces and nephews change your hopes for how you may have wanted to have sons or daughters?

My husband has been taking care of his family his whole life. His sister is a drug addict, living on the streets and selling her body and having multiple kids over and over through the the years. my husband has been taking care of her children since they were each born and carrying a huge weight. It’s an endless cycle with her and when I married him I became an Instamom to 5 children.

I don't know why you decided this a good situation to be in. The mom isn't going to have MORE kids to dump on you and husband is she? It sounds like a lot of drama.

I can see why marriage would be a good deal for him -- he gets help with all these kids. What made it a good deal for you?

We have so much love and joy together, and while I won’t minimize that this is a HUGE issue in a relationship, I also think there a lot of other things we could be dealing with and i don’t think it has to mean it’s the end. No relationship is perfect and we are both willing to do the work it takes to make this a better situation, it just takes time to get there. I can’t just give up because we aren’t there yet.

I sympathize. But I still think you could do your soul searching and figure out if this is worth the return on your investment or worth MORE investing. If it is? You keep investing.

If it isn't? You bow out.

If it has become like sunk cost fallacy? You could realize that and then bow out.

You are not put on this earth to subsume yourself to a relationship.

You could try therapy to see if that helps things get better, but if it doesn't? It just doesn't. :(

I mean, maybe you are willing to give it another year or so to be sure. But if this still stinks for you in that time?

One IS allowed quit doing something because one in over their heads or past their limit of tolerance. They don't have to bang head on wall.

I would like to think you want to THRIVE rather than merely SURVIVE in your relationships.

Galagirl
 
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icesong

Moderator
I'm honestly surprised that people don't think of it as a lifestyle. I know that sometime semantics dictate that you just settle on a meaning for the sake of clear conversation, but for me, it absolutely has been a change in the way I live my entire life!
It affects how I live my life, sure, but so would having, for instance, an entirely different mono partner than either of the partners I have. The thing is in either case, I still have a lot of interests and hobbies that have nothing to do with my sex life or partner choices. When I was in the swinger scene, where people do embrace the term "lifestyle", it really *was* something that took over some people's entire lives - like, their whole social circle, most weekends, their vacations... all swing related. Not everyone in that scene, of course, but it wasn't a minority of people either.

There are, I suppose, poly folks who do the same - all their friends are poly, they don't do anything but date, etc etc... but I don't know any, really. I certainly don't want to be in a relationship with them! There are SO many things I want to do with my time that aren't JUST about sex/relationships, though I may do them with partners (at least in non-covid times).

Now, does polyamory, and even more relationship anarchy, contribute significantly to my life philosophy? *that* it does, and that change in philosophy certainly influences my life choices. But IMO that isn't... quite... the same thing as a lifestyle.

(All that said I'm not necessarily offended by people that call it that, depending on the context. They all seem to fall into two categories - those new to nonmonogamy discussion forums / polyamory discussion forums, who I'm fine with, and those who are criticizing the existence of nonmonogamy and who say it with a certain level of disdain in their voices (or text) who I am NOT fine with.)
 

icesong

Moderator
It’s an endless cycle with her and when I married him I became an Instamom to 5 children. I know that’s a huge change to take on for me! I already struggle with anxiety, so taking on kids, marriage, working from home and a pandemic had caused my own mental health to be more fragile.
How long have you been married? I know you said you had been together three years, I'm curious as to whether the marriage and insta-mom situation was very closely time-linked to pandemic lockdown etc. And is he supporting you at all in this, outside the sex addiction stuff? like, does he pay as much attention to you as he does his flirtations / potential or actual other partners?
 
Now, does polyamory, and even more relationship anarchy, contribute significantly to my life philosophy? *that* it does, and that change in philosophy certainly influences my life choices. But IMO that isn't... quite... the same thing as a lifestyle.

That makes sense. Maybe it would be more productive to think of monogamy as a lifestyle that I am no longer bound to. That was the element of my life that did the most to affect the way I lived. So, I can accept that poly isn't the lifestyle I'm choosing; the lifestyle I'm choosing has more to do with personal freedom, emotional growth, self respect and confidence! Polyamory is just the icing on the cake!
 

Magdlyn

Well-known member
I don't call it "the lifestyle..." I just think that's a stupid way to be all hush-hush and like a spy with a secret code word. I also find it icky on Fetlife when a new person asks me (regarding BDSM), "So how long have you been in the lifestyle?" Um, I'm not in the lifestyle. LOL. I just like xyz kinks. It just sounds stupid to me.

Polyamory isn't a lifestyle, it's a love style, or relationship style. So is monogamy. People don't ask each other, "How long have you been in the lifestyle?" of a married person. They just ask, "How's life? How's the wife?" You can ask me that too, even though I am poly. lol

Also, I think "lifestyle" rankles with me since it was slapped on queers back in the '70s-'80s-- the "homosexual lifestyle." It's akin to the "gay agenda." It makes my skin crawl.
 

tdh

Member
To add a bit to @Magdlyn's point, "the Lifestyle" usually refers to swinging types of open relationships not a romantic relationship type
 

dingedheart

Well-known member
"Lots of health risks." Well, maybe he uses condoms. Maybe the OP makes sure he uses them with her, at least.

I guess you didn’t read and didn’t bother to quote the last bit in my sentence. IMO. And just talking about higher risks and higher exposures. YOU or I have no idea of their own risk management tools or how they mitigate those risks. I do know from my old occupation in which I had daily contact with lots of people with drugs and alcohol dependency they MAKE bad and sometimes very risky decisions. They’re not thinking of their own long term health and they most certainly aren’t thinking how something Will effect others.
Otherwise, it's the Covid risk, yes! That's tough on everyone, but especially on polyamorous people; polysexual people; swingers; people who like to hook up for one night, with a different person every night; and cheaters.

Yes I was lumping covid into the same risk pool ....but to use your same argument....how do we know he hasn’t already had it ....or been one of the lucky essential workers to have gotten the vaccine.

Bottomline I still stand by MY OPINION that with a sex addict you’re exposed to more health risks. I think statistically I’m on solid ground with that statement.

ill let you back to arguing over the word lifestyle 👍👍
 

Marcus

Well-known member
I'm new to all this vocabulary, too. I'm honestly surprised that people don't think of it as a lifestyle.

People get touchy about "lifestyle", probably because it's commonly associated with swinging, and some poly folk find it offensive to be linked with that group. Others just enjoy getting into semantic arguments. In either case, I wouldn't sweat it.

You get to decide how you describe your personal relationship choices. If you think of it as a lifestyle, then call it a lifestyle, and everyone else can deal with it. It was clear what you meant when you said it, so language did it's job, everything else is just conversational masturbation and you shouldn't feel like you have to change what you're doing to suit anyone else.
 

icesong

Moderator
language did it's job, everything else is just conversational masturbation and you shouldn't feel like you have to change what you're doing to suit anyone else
I mean we could discuss angels on the head of a pin instead but this seemed more interesting.
 
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