Wife's Date

It's been a while since I have been on here. So my wife and her boyfriend are in a great solid relationship now. They go on trips together. They spend about one weekend a month together. He comes over for drinks or movie night every now and then. I just don't like getting kicked out of the bedroom when he's over. How can I delicately tell my wife that when he is here, I want him to stay in the guest room and not me??
 
threesnocrowd said:
I just don't like getting kicked out of the bedroom when he's over. How can I delicately tell my wife that when he is here, I want him to stay in the guest room and not me??
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Easy. You say, "Honey, I don't like getting kicked out of the bedroom when he's over. When he is here, I want you and him to stay in the guest room." That's all. What's the big deal with telling her directly just what you want?

Does she change the sheets afterwards?
 
MrFarFromRight said:
Another set of definitions coming at you: Polyamory is NOT "allowing - even encouraging - your partner to fuck with somebody else". That's "swinging". If you're looking for a bit of sex with a stranger in NYC while your wife is with her boyfriend (and she's OK with that), that's what you're doing. (If she's not OK with it, it's called "cheating".)

Polyamory implies "allowing - perhaps encouraging - your partner to form a meaningful emotional relationship with somebody else". Unless you're opening yourself to a relationship with this hypothetical woman in a bar in NYC, I wouldn't call it polyamory.

[There are even some - admittedly rare - polyamorous constellations where sex doesn't play a part... but love does.]

If you ARE interested in an emotional relationship, I personally think that it would be less complicated for you to look for someone in Boston.
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If he's okay with his wife being in a long term relationship, but she's not okay with him hooking up casually with a woman, that's pretty selfish of her. Relationships aren't, This is what I like, so you have to want the exact same thing. It's about what do I want, what do you want, and how can the two fit together?
 
Well I guess I am just being a bit too polite. I don't want the two of them in the guest room when he is over. I want him in the guest room and her with me. It feels like an invasion of my space. I don't mind when she is over at his house because I know she's having a good time and I am comfortable in my own space too. It's just hard to tell them that I guess.
 
Well, what does she do, just kick you out? Why don't you just say "No, I'm sleeping in my bedroom and I'd like you with me. He can sleep in the guest room." It's your house, too. You don't even have to have him stay over at all if you don't want him to.
 
You can't be shy in voicing your issues in a poly lifestyle. Sit down with your wife, or your wife and boyfriend, and discuss as adults. I suggest not waiting until bedtime to bring it up.

For us, any sleepovers that have 3 of us in one house means ultimately we all sleep in the same bed, with the V of that make-up in the middle. Ultimately, you have to be willing to talk through the things that are important to you, be willing to compromise some, and find what works for you.
 
Re (from threesnocrowd):
"How can I delicately tell my wife that when he is here, I want him to stay in the guest room and not me?"
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"Honey, do you think your boyfriend could sleep in the guest bed in the future? I'm very fond of my own bed."

How's that?

Re (from threesnocrowd):
"I want him in the guest room and her with me."
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Oh.

You want him to be alone in the guest room. So, no sex with him at your house? Are we talking about a new rule here?
 
kdt26417 said:
Re (from threesnocrowd):


"Honey, do you think your boyfriend could sleep in the guest bed in the future? I'm very fond of my own bed."

How's that?

Re (from threesnocrowd):


Oh.

You want him to be alone in the guest room. So, no sex with him at your house? Are we talking about a new rule here?
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Kevin, he is talking about sleeping with, not "sleeping with." I think I'd be correct in saying that he might be OK with his wife and her bf fucking in either bedroom, but when it comes time to actually sleep, he wants her in bed with him in the master bedroom, and bf over by himself in the guest room.

I've been a hinge in a V where we've had this issue, with more than one bf of mine. It tends to go different ways depending on the personalities involved. One ex of mine slept like the dead, so he didn't at all mind me going to sleep with my gf in our master bedroom. He wouldn't have been aware of me beside him anyway. But I liked the feeling of having him beside me in the night. Once in a while though, I had trouble sleeping next to him in the guest room, so I might spend a couple hours next to him (after an exhausting sex session) and then go join my gf.

I don't have a king sized bed so I've never tried sleeping in between lovers. I think I'd be way too hot, even in a king! Not to mention the logistics of getting up to pee in the night.

Other times, I have slept with a guy in the master bedroom, and my gf slept on a pallet on the floor. She's kind of subby, and if she likes the guy, she finds that a comfortable and kind of arousing arrangement.

Other times, I have slept with a bf all night in the master, while gf sleeps in guest room or on living room couch.

We have had lots of variety. But all the arrangements have been discussed between the 3 parties involved. You can't have good poly without good communication!

But you might examine why you feel she needs to sleep with you when her bf is over, and why he must sleep alone.
 
Oh, one other thing. If her bf is over, and she and he go to have sex in the guest room rather late, and you go to bed in the master, and are lying there impatiently waiting for her to join you for sleep (and maybe some sex for you too?) and she happens to have gotten all deliciously worn out by the sex with the bf, and falls asleep in the guest room next to him.... then what?

Do you lie there resentfully, unable to sleep? Do you go get her?

What if she does spend the night with you, but she wants an early morning quickie with her bf before you wake up, and she goes to get it, and you wake up and she's gone? Does that piss you off too?
 
I think the direct approach is best, too, three. Just tell her you want to sleep in your own bed. It's your house, your bed, you should have some say in who sleeps in it! As for her sleeping with you, may I ask why that's so important to you? Do you sleep fine without her when she has a sleepover at his house? What's different when they're at your house? I'm not criticizing... it IS your house :) Just trying to understand the rationale and whether it's covering some insecurity or fear that you may want to work through?

As for sleeping arrangements... I've slept 3 in a queen bed many times. It's workable. You get use to it. We've slept multiple ways... Blue in the middle with his gfs on either side, the other gf between me & Blue, and me between Blue & the other gf. In the beginning, I preferred Blue to sleep between us but I recognize that that was about insecurity and jealousy (he's sleeping by her, not me, that means he likes her better, lol.) I've gotten over that. Now, I just want to sleep on an end because I get hot! I don't care who sleeps beside me :)
 
Re (from Magdlyn):
"I think I'd be correct in saying that he might be okay with his wife and her boyfriend fucking in either bedroom, but when it comes time to actually sleep, he wants her in bed with him in the master bedroom, and boyfriend over by himself in the guest room."
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Okay, cool.
 
Originally Posted by MrFarFromRight View Post
Another set of definitions coming at you: Polyamory is NOT "allowing - even encouraging - your partner to fuck with somebody else". That's "swinging". If you're looking for a bit of sex with a stranger in NYC while your wife is with her boyfriend (and she's OK with that), that's what you're doing. (If she's not OK with it, it's called "cheating".)

Polyamory implies "allowing - perhaps encouraging - your partner to form a meaningful emotional relationship with somebody else". Unless you're opening yourself to a relationship with this hypothetical woman in a bar in NYC, I wouldn't call it polyamory.

[There are even some - admittedly rare - polyamorous constellations where sex doesn't play a part... but love does.]

If you ARE interested in an emotional relationship, I personally think that it would be less complicated for you to look for someone in Boston.
Click to expand...
Candiedlove said:
If he's okay with his wife being in a long term relationship, but she's not okay with him hooking up casually with a woman, that's pretty selfish of her. Relationships aren't, This is what I like, so you have to want the exact same thing. It's about what do I want, what do you want, and how can the two fit together?
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I'm not being judgemental, I'm just trying to point out problems that might occur to people who are new to polyamory.

If both partners are happy about what the other is doing, that's just fine. I CAN, however, understand and sympathise with somebody who says: "What I'm doing is having a relationship with another human being. What YOU're doing is fucking another body. I'm not happy with that."

I was also not assuming that threesnocrowd WAS just interested in a one-night stand. Or that there's anything wrong with one-night stands per se.

Now on to the recent point about sleeping arrangements:

Q: threesnocrowd, just why does yor wife's bf sleep over? Is it because you've all been out together (or she's been out on a date with him... or you've all been having an evening together at your place) and it's too late (or he's been drinking too much) for him to return home?

Or is it because they sometimes have sex at his place and sometimes have sex at yours?

In the latter case, you have a right to say that you're not comfortable with that. Possibly not comfortable with that YET. Possibly won't ever be. The feelings of ALL involved have to be respected and if you're happy with her sleeping at his place but not vice versa, you should be honest (with yourself as well as with them) about that.

To forestall any criticisms of this comment: I'm not saying that you AREN'T comfortable with his sleeping over, I'm saying that IF you aren't, you should talk about it.

However, I'm almost assuming that you mean that it's OK with you if they have sex in the guest bedroom as long as she comes into the master bedroom to do her actual sleeping at your side.

This has been dealt with by others. My advice is that you ought to work on your own feelings, because they seem to involve jealousy and not being completely open. But, in the meantime, WHILE you're feeling that, they should respect your feelings. However, as Magdlyn so wisely asked:
If her bf is over, and she and he go to have sex in the guest room rather late, and you go to bed in the master, and are lying there impatiently waiting for her to join you for sleep (and maybe some sex for you too?) and she happens to have gotten all deliciously worn out by the sex with the bf, and falls asleep in the guest room next to him.... then what?

Do you lie there resentfully, unable to sleep? Do you go get her?

What if she does spend the night with you, but she wants an early morning quickie with her bf before you wake up, and she goes to get it, and you wake up and she's gone? Does that piss you off too?
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Not easy... but then Life rarely is.
 
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It almost seems as TNC is becoming the secondary not the primary. We have a guy on the side, she will have sex with him, sometimes one on one in our home, often both of us on her. But in bed, sleeping it is her and I. Even when we had a GF live with us, she slept with us, we had sex together, usually them sharing me in the morning. One such GF was more mine, she wanted it at midnignt and started sex with me. my wife was, ' I am tired can you go downstairs?' We did and after that if it was one on one we did it elsewhere. Now another GF we both shared, both were bi, anything went, one on one with the other there, was not a problem. I believe that a triad is much better than a V, the V can often leave one partner out. That is a point where jealousy can come ionto play and wreck havoc in the relationship
 
TheWind said:
... I believe that a triad is much better than a V, the V can often leave one partner out. That is a point where jealousy can come ionto play and wreck havoc in the relationship
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The Wind, hi. You are new here. There are as many ways to do poly as there are people practicing it. If you'd like to talk about how YOU do poly, please remember that this is not YOUR thread, it's someone else's. Some people prefer triads and 3way sex, some like triads and one on one sex, the majority prefer Vs and one on one sex. Look around, you will see that.

Here we have a V, with logistics about who sleeps (sleeps, not fucks) in which bed at night when all 3 are in the same house, as the issue. It's not about threeway sex at all!
 
TheWind said:
...I believe that a triad is much better than a V, the V can often leave one partner out. That is a point where jealousy can come ionto play and wreck havoc in the relationship
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"Better" is a question-begging adjective. Better for whom? for what?

We've seen, on these boards, a great number of "triads" that suffered from jealousy as much, or more, than in Vee's. (Which, I think, is related to view that everything has to be "equal" - which it never is, because people are unique individuals, not interchangeable puzzle pieces.) Perhaps the person that you feel is "left out" actually feels relief that they are "off the hook" for sex (or whatever other activity" that they don't feel up to at the time).

As an aside, and for the record ;), a Vee doesn't preclude threesome sex (for those of us that enjoy that sort of thing :rolleyes:). My boys are both straight - so, while they love and care about each other as best friends, they don't desire any sexual interaction with each other. Which doesn't stop them from both pleasing me concurrently...Just saying, is all.

Somewhat on topic: our "rule" is that you can't have sex in the bed if someone else is trying to sleep in it. (We only have the one bed - king size. I love sleeping between my boys, but MrS snores and Dude has heartburn, so Dude usually sleeps on the couch.)
 
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We also have a sleep guideline. We all sleep together when I'm at reals place. I have sleep issues. Lady has the magical ability to fall asleep on command or wake up and say oh that's sexy smile and snore in a 30 second span of time. So after much discussion... I get to have sex whenever Yay me cause lady has special sleep powers. But they get that sleep is precious to me when I get it so if I'm snoring they go at it in another room. Of course that also means I have to be ok with sometimes waking up alone and searching for a snuggle buddy.
It's all about talking through what everyone needs.
My boyfriend before real needed to be with his girlfriend when she woke up. She needed to see mitch first thing every morning.
So basically I'd say a 3 way convo about sleep needs is never a bad thing.
 
I am still figuring this V/triad thing out. So bear with me. There are a lot of different ways people configure their relationships. I jut think in their home he should be in their bed. If she wants to go spend some time in the guest room, no problem. If they all wanted to sleep in the same bed, OK. People are territorial and I would be afraid of it causing tension?
 
Re (from TheWind):
"I believe that a triad is much better than a V, the V can often leave one partner out. That is a point where jealousy can come into play and wreak havoc in the relationship ..."
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Hummm. What if each leg of the V sleeps in their own separate bed? That's how it is in my V and we do just fine.

Re:
"I just think in their home he should be in their bed. If she wants to go spend some time in the guest room, no problem."
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Makes sense.
 
TheWind said:
I am still figuring this V/triad thing out. So bear with me. There are a lot of different ways people configure their relationships. I just think in their home he should be in their bed. If she wants to go spend some time in the guest room, no problem. If they all wanted to sleep in the same bed, OK. People are territorial and I would be afraid of it causing tension?
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I would think some metamours would dislike sharing the same bed. 1) The bed might be too small 2) People might have different sleep habits, snoring, too hot, too cold, bed too hard or soft 3) Some straight people might not like to share a bed with their metamour just because they both love the hinge 4) The original lover might have gotten used to sleeping with the hinge

There are no "shoulds" about it, Wind. And there IS a problem here, despite your saying their isn't. It's not polite to deny people their feelings!
 
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