Work crush

[frudgens]

Hello everyone! I just joined and would love your opinions.

My boyfriend Dylan and I have been together for 2.5 years. We are in love with each other, and extremely secure in our relationship. Polyamory has become a recent topic of conversation (brought up by me). Dylan has said he is open to it and wants me to be happy. I'm not sure he's as into the idea as I am, but our communication has been fantastic.

Meanwhile, I've had a crush on a guy I work with, Derek, for 8 months. It's an intense crush. I've had others, but they usually only last a month or two. I know the crush is mutual. I have definite romantic feelings for him at this point.

My questions are:

1. I've admitted to Dylan that I'm attracted to other people, but I've never mentioned Derek. How do I bring this up in a way that is sensitive AND to the point? Should I tell Dylan who it is, or should I remain vague? What are your thoughts on discretion? What's the best way to negotiate ground rules?

2. Assuming Dylan agrees that my specific polyamorous desires are ok with him, how should i broach the topic with Derek? He seems like a pretty monogamous-minded person, but i also know we have some seriously strong desire for each other, and you never know.

I don't really want to sleep with anyone else besides these two (although that might change). I don't want them to meet each other. I don't know anyone else who's poly, so all your tips are appreciated. Thanks!

 

[redsirenn]

Why don't you want them to meet each other? Knowledge can take away assumptions and fear...

 

[frudgens]

Why don't you want them to meet each other? Knowledge can take away assumptions and fear...

Mostly because I think it would complicate things for them; not necessarily for me. I realize that that's an assumption, and I could be wrong. Actually they *did* meet each other, or were at least in the same room, at a Christmas party last year, which is where I first saw Derek. They both know about each other's existence. I'm just not sure it would be a good idea for them to hang out.

Whose assumptions and fears do you think would be helped by them meeting? Everyone's? Theirs? Mine?

 

[River]

i'm not sure he's as into the idea as i am, but our communication has been fantastic.

Welcome to the forum.

You'd better find out just how into the idea he is.

I don't want them to meet each other.

I'd call that a red flag.

If you don't want them to meet each other, that suggests to me that there is probably a fear or insecurity involved that you need to examine in yourself prior to taking any steps forward into polyamory. Please identify that fear or insecurity and report back.

 

[River]

Whose assumptions and fear do you think would be helped by them meeting? Everyone's? Theirs? Mine?

In my own personal opinion, genuine polyamory can only really work well when all parties involved know and like one another. They don't have to form a family, or deeply love one another -- platonically or otherwise -- (though this is probably preferable!), but they have to at least know and genuinely like one another if there is to be a good outcome.

When we let someone into our lives as loving partners, and they let us into their lives as the same, there is need to nurture and cultivate openness, honesty and trust. The mere fact that you wish to avoid having these two get to know one another is simply a red flag. It suggests that you and/or they are not ready for this sort of relationship.

 

[redpepper]

They should definitely meet and be involved in each other's lives. There is really no other way if you all want to stay sane in the end. It's early days yet, though. Your man needs to be in on your crush and then the pursuing can begin!

Have a good read around here, there has been lots on meeting each other's partners and the importance of it.

 

[MonoVCPHG]

In my own personal opinion, genuine polyamory can only really work well when all parties involved know and like one another.

When we let someone into our lives as loving partners, and they let us into their lives as the same, there is need to nurture and cultivate openness, honesty and trust. The mere fact that you wish to avoid having these two get to know one another is simply a red flag. It suggests that you and/or they are not ready for this sort of relationship.

Agree and agree.

 

[XYZ123]

Your partner needs to know who the "other" is, as being poly and having a successful relationship depends on complete honesty. And, I agree, they should meet.

 

[Fidelia]

Hi. Welcome to the forum.

Other issues to consider are the ramifications of a workplace romance, which can be a can of worms even when multiple partners are not involved. A few of the many questions to consider:
Is there a company policy in place? If there is, I betcha polyamory isn't covered in it. This means you'll be in uncharted territory with your HR dept. Are you prepared to deal with that?
Are you prepared to be an ongoing topic of gossip and innuendo? Because you will be.
What if things go badly? He'll still be your co-worker, and you'll still see each other there. Will you be able to deal with that? Will he? Will your bf?

Consider carefully before you move forward. Workplace romance can fraught with peril. Proceed with caution. Good luck to you, whatever you decide.

 

[redpepper]

Other issues to consider are the ramifications of a workplace romance, which can be a can of worms even when multiple partners are not involved

Very good point. Thanks for making it. I made it a policy of mine never to involve myself with co-workers. WAAAAY too sticky. I haven't known it to be a smooth sail. And to put poly on top of that-- tricky.