Children and Polyamory: Merged Threads, General Discussion

glowinthedarkstars said:
Is it possible he knows, but never brings it up? This seems pretty typical of a 21-year old guy. Another likely situation is that he doesn't know, and doesn't care to know, because he's dealing with his own life.
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Thanks for weighing in on this, Glow. I suspect this is a topic that a lot of polys either are struggling with, or will be at some time. In fact, we have almost the identical situation with our own youngest. Our older kids 'know,' but don't discuss it.

There's been a big debate going on in the General thread about marginalization of younger people, and I think this is a perfect example of where input from both sides of the equation would be welcome & valued. If you have children who are approaching the age of discussion about lifestyles, sexuality, etc., how difficult is this going to be? Do you have any plans for how you are going to approach it?

On the other hand, if you are in the, say,14-25 age group, how would you deal with the discovery that your parents have been involved in a poly lifestyle? How would it affect your view, respect, etc., of them? How would it impact your own thinking of your own future relationship possibilities? Would you even WANT to know?

I'd love to see this thread take off.

GS
 
I agree, GS, this topic is a really good one. I know of one poly family with kids that are "in the know" - two of them are already members here, so I hope they will weigh in with their own experiences.

Maybe a mod could move this to the General Discussion board where it might be more visible, since this really is a relevant topic to poly....
 
Rarechild said:
Good suggestion, Ciel.
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Do you customarily notify an OP when you move a thread via PM or some other method? Just asking in case a poster was new and not well skilled yet in navigating forums and tracking down things. They might go back looking for their post and think it deleted or lost. Be a shame
 
We have four children, 18, 13, 10 (in a couple days) and 2.5 years respectively. Three of them live with us. The 13 year old does not. He's "in care" for psychological issues. The three who live with us know. Obviously, the 2 year old doesn't know all the terms. The other two do. Prior to coming out "poly," all four kids were very well acquainted with GG, as he's been in my life since the oldest was 18 months old. They've grown up with him as a close family member. The older three often referred to him as Uncle.

When we came out it was just a relief to the oldest. She had grown up seeing GG and me around one another. At 18 she was old enough to understand love, and she knows the "signs" when she sees them. So seeing us look at one another, even if no words were spoken and we didn't touch, was enough for her to know we loved each other deeply. It was easier when it was all on the up and up with Maca (her stepdad, but she claims him as just Dad), because she didn't have to wonder if she was doing something wrong by not saying something, even though she SAW the emotions. Maca knew, it just wasn't talked about openly before.

The 10-yr old was struggling with "honesty" versus "lying" shortly after we decided on poly. He went to tears telling me he didn't "lie" to Daddy, but he didn't talk to him because he was scared Daddy wouldn't love him anymore if he told him (some stuff about needing more time with him-- nothing significant in the BIG scheme, but to him it was HORRIBLY significant). I used that opportunity to tell him about how I had to tell Daddy I was poly (which required explaining poly/mono). His reaction was, "Well, if polyamory means loving more than one person, and monogamous means you only love one person, then it's stupid for people to have a problem with polyamory, because God said we are supposed to love everyone equally." (He's the conservative "Bible thumper" in the family.) He proceeded to recite a verse from the Bible to me about loving others as Christ loved the church blah blah, and explaining what he feels that means, etc. Suffice it to say, he has no issue. In fact, the other night we were playing Balderdash. One of the words was something including "poly" and "pic" in it (don't recall the exact word). He wrote the definition as "taking a picture of a polyamorous family on a car trip."

Yes, he spelled polyamorous correctly on his paper. We were stunned. He pays attention AND he's totally cool with it.

The baby knows that Mommy and Daddy go to bed together, and that Mommy is in GG's bed when she wakes up in the morning, and she comes to get me there.

They see me kiss GG and Daddy hello when they get home from work, goodbye when they leave. They see me curl up and snuggle with either of them, and they are aware (though obviously, not welcome to see) that I take a bath with Daddy to talk most evenings, and a shower with Daddy before bed, as well as taking a shower with GG a few times a week.

So, for me, as an adult, I think it's better all around for the kids to know. (The 13-year old will know when he's psychologically stable enough to be home again.)

I don't give a hoot what my parents do with their sex lives and I'm not interested in hearing about it. I know that they are each married and love their spouses. I know my stepmother tends to a poly nature, but if they have lovers, no idea. No one lives with them, but if someone did I wouldn't care.

My little sister is 16. I'm teaching her health right now. I picked up the book suggested on another thread from the Scarleteen website for her. She is dead set on not knowing anything about her parents' sex life. She will talk to me about relationships and sex in general, but specific examples of types of relationships people in her family have gross her out. She did not freak out yesterday, though, when GG kissed me full on the mouth before work. She was sitting next to me on the couch. She's comfortable hanging out with GG, Maca and me.

To the OP, I think you might consider the post about maybe he is too busy to care. Don't try to "hide" from him, maybe just don't shove it down his throat either. If he asked I would certainly not lie. That would be damaging to your relationship with him. But if it's just about him knowing, let him know by life experience, maybe. If he sees you with one of the others doing something that could be questioned, just look him in the eye and tell him, "All (four?) of us are aware of the dynamics and happy with them. If you have questions, I don't mind elaborating. I just don't want to fill your ears with info you doesn't want about us," or something along those lines.

GS, what do you think? Would it be fostering marginalization of youth in general (not poly specifically) to blatantly hide the truth of our lifestyle from them? I don't have an opinion on it yet. Just a question that popped into my head.
 
Oh, please PM. Thanks! :)

Sorry, OP. Please give us more thoughts on your situation. I'd love to hear about it.
 
I have three grown children (21-28) and custody of four grandchildren (3-11) and all know, to the extent of their understanding, how mom/gramma loves.

I am blessed because all of the kids adore R and Rosevett and the rest of the extended family. My kids were a bit hesitant at first, and I found out later it was because R wears a ring and they thought he was cheating. Once that was cleared up, they have been very matter of fact about the whole situation. My youngest daughter describes it like this: My mom's boyfriend has another girlfriend who has another boyfriend and they all hang out together. :)

The younger kids know everyone as family; the oldest granddaughter caught on very quickly the first time we went to R & Rosevett's house for a visit. I simply said, "I know some people think that you should only have one boyfriend or girlfriend at a time, but we don't feel that way. We love each other and are happy with the way things are." She has been fine with it ever since.

I am who I am and I can't imagine trying to hide any part of that from my kids. They know I'm bi; they know I'm poly; and they know I love them fiercely. They also know they can talk to me about anything, and I know that works both ways for us.
 
For those with children

I'm just curious about where you tell them you are going on a date or leaving overnight. My boyfriend lives out of state, so I'm gone from Saturday morning before she wakes until midday Sunday, once a month. I tell her I'm going to visit family, but the last time I said this she asked why she and Daddy couldn't go. It doesn't sit well with me at all. I'm always honest with her about things she asks. I've never sugarcoated anything, just made sure it was age appropriate. We aren't out yet and she is only 5 and she's not at the "chosen family" stage with him yet. So I'm trying to figure out how to explain my absence that makes sense to her and sits well with me.
 
Just tell your child that you're going to visit a friend and that Daddy can't come because someone needs to be there for her in the morning.
 
I agree with Derby. My daughter is only 3 but she definitely knows when I'm not home. When I'm going or staying out of town for a couple days I just say, "Momma has to help/go see some friends/a friend." This applies for when I was going to see Elric and for when I go to see other platonic friends. At 5 your daughter might ask "who" and then you can give a name and most likely they'll be happy with that, especially since they don't understand the complexities of relationships very well yet.
 
My boy was about 5 when I met and started to date Mono. He had a hard time with me being out of the house at all, and then for one night a week I was gone all night, and then two.

I tried to think of it in terms of how parents deal with the fact that their work might mean they have to work nights. I had that in mind when I explained to him that I was going to have a sleepover with my friend and that I would be back at this time. He became comfortable over time that I was coming back and that I wasn't gone for good. I came back when I said I would.

When I was sure that Mono would be in our life for the long haul I told him that I was going to his house for a sleepover. Now he gets mad at me for having more sleepover nights than him. (He is staying over at Mono's on Friday night.) It took an adjustment, as every change does, but then it becomes routine and kids do better. Change is good if it is brought in with consistency, I think, at least as much as possible. The best thing I did was to make light of it and stick to what I said I would do.

I was also confident that my time was important, too, and that I had a right to my own time. Just because I take my own time does not mean I love him less or am taking something away from him. That is a whole other topic, though, I think.
 
redpepper said:
I was also confident that my time was important too and that I had a right to my own time. Just because I take my own time does not mean I love him less or am taking something away from him. That is a whole other topic.
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Actually, I think this very much coincides for me. I really do feel guilty for taking that one weekend a month. But I tell myself the same thing, that I do love her just as much and that it gives her and my fiance some much needed Daddy-daughter time. I know when I was a child, my fondest memories were of just me and my dad going for a ride in his truck. I also think of the break she is getting from me. I'm the finicky "anal" one of the family, so when it's just Daddy around, she can really let her wild side out. (She's got him wrapped around her finger. :p) But after all is said and done, I still have to remind myself of the positives so I don't get "momma guilt."

Anyway, yes, the biggest issue is her asking the WHO question. She is my little detective and every question is followed by ten more. She makes me dizzy, sometimes.
 
I don't have this issue, as we all live together. But my method for dealing with that type of situation is just to tell the kid I'm having a "grownups-only sleepover" with a friend. I used to do that when my oldest was little. She also had sleepovers and we would call them "kids-only sleepovers."
 
Ilove2men said:
But I tell myself the same thing, that I do love her just as much, and that it gives her and my fiance some much needed Daddy-daughter time.
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Why don't you just tell her that? "Mommy is taking some time for herself/to hang out with her friend X. You and Daddy are getting some time for the two of you to have fun! It's important for you and Daddy to get some time just for the two of you."

It really is important for Daddies to have time with their kids, too. Mommies can sometimes (and I'm not saying you do) push Daddies out without meaning to. Also, you're not ashamed of your relationship, so don't lie about it. That will give her the impression that you did something wrong when she's older and finds out that you're poly. Tell yourself to relax, you're not doing anything wrong, and that it's okay to tell her what is age-appropriate. And it is a wonderful thing to give any child the knowledge that it is OKAY to take time for yourself. I can't tell you how many people struggle with guilt over taking time for themselves. Wouldn't it have been wonderful if our parents had taught us that it was okay so we didn't feel so guilty?
 
I just wanted to say this thread is interesting, even to someone who doesn't have kids. Thanks for a thought-provoking question, as sometimes I feel like I'm dealing with children when I'm trying to accommodate family or friends who don't share my values on love/sex/relationships. Sadly, the "What do I tell them?" game gets played more often than I'd like, but I guess some people are at different levels of understanding on certain topics, and not only due to their age.
 
We three simply tell our daughters (ages four and six) that one of us is going to see [the lover's name], and will be back tomorrow. When any of the two of us go out (or stay in) we just say that we are having some special time together. The kids understand "special time" because we have one-on-one time with each of them as well, to go to the zoo, or the game store, out to lunch, or some other kid-friendly activity.

When they get older, we will fill them in a bit more, but in my opinion, it's just not necessary to hide anything, nor indulge in full disclosure. When they start asking questions about it, I expect we'll answer them truthfully, but discreetly. I was never all that interested in my own parents' sex life.
 
For the children's sake

This incident was brought to me by a friend. It's definitely worrisome, and hopefully there will be some words of support and wisdom to help alleviate their concerns. I'm posting to add a layer of protection for them. Here it is:

I've just had the nasty experience of being told that polyamory is "not conducive to a healthy environment for children to grow up in." Guess who said this? My therapist, who just so happens to be a social worker who also works for child protection services. I have only recently began seeing her, and after today will stop.

But, long story short, after hearing about polyamory, she threatened to call child protection services on my ex. She has no grounds for taking the kids away, but just the thought of the stress from a "visit" and an "investigation" has my heart pounding. The couple in question have rules in place. They do not bring their dates home, for one thing. Two, I lived with them and I had no shows of real physical intimacy (beyond a hug) with my boyfriend in their house, so, not even with the kids there. Three, the idea of a blended family was always with the understanding that it would be done when they were grown up, or at least almost out of the house, and four, if the possibility arose to introduce the kids/tell kids about poly, well then, a councilor would become involved.

These all sound reasonable, and put the kids first, but this social worker thinks otherwise. She says the parents are "burdening" their children with polyamory, and that is wrong.

So I ask this: is it wrong? For the sake of the children, are we forced to keep our polyamorous selves closeted from our own children? Does polyamory foster an environment which is not healthy? Has anybody else encountered these issues?

FYI, I am looking for a new therapist. They aren't supposed to have opinions which force me to draw their conclusions. I am supposed to be able to draw my own conclusions, as long as they are not harmful to me or my kids. I mean, 20 years ago it was not "healthy" to have a homosexual couple raising children, so where does this idiot get off telling me this?
 
I think it is easy for people to people to show off their prejudice for something different from they are used to. I have never seen anything to show that polyamory hurts the children. Truthfully, there very little research has been done. But that does not stop a social worker from assuming that it must be harmful.

My guess is that kids are not harmed unless they constantly are losing adult figures in their life. I think they may get a bigger benefit if more adults watch over them and care for them. Plus, I think it is neutral for the parents that hide it from the kids.

I agree with avoiding the therapist. It sounds like they are being too judgmental without evidence. You don't need that in your life.
 
I cannot even begin to tell you how angry that makes me. I have worked with children most of my life and have several certifications in child development, child protection, noticing abuse/neglect, etc. If the children are in a healthy environment, meaning their emotional and physical needs are being met; they are loved and cared for; allowed to express feelings and ask questions, there is NOTHING wrong with them being around a poly relationship.

It sounds to me like the family takes a lot of steps to keep the kids from any emotional trauma. In my opinion, depending on the emotional maturity of the child, they should be introduced to the poly lifestyle as early as possible. It may be even more traumatic to introduce them to it in adulthood.

I could go on and on about this. But it boils down to the fact that there is nothing unhealthy about love. And showing a child how amazing it is to be able to love more than one person, and allowing a child to have a family that provides so much love for them to grow in, is truly good parenting. If the day ever comes that DH and I have children, our partners will be in their lives. We won't hide it from them at all. We wouldn't hide each other from them, right? That sounds silly, but it's the same thing, in my eyes. Granted, we will need to be in a long-term healthy relationship with this person before they come into my kids' lives. I do not intend for my home to be a revolving door of people my kids will never see again. But I won't hide my lifestyle any more than I would hide my husband from them.

Sorry. I'll step off my soap box now. The fact that closed minds get in the way of children's actual health and well-being really gets to me.
 
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