Living Truthfully Within

Hmm! Interesting developments.

Contiuining healing is happening. I am still getting tearful and moody, but mostly ranting at my therapist or crying into my stuffed bunny at night. The ache of my girls still rears its head, and most likely always will. I miss them.

But I also know I am healthier and happier over all than I have been in my entire life. I can only remember being close to this happy once, when I lived in an art group for the summer as a teenager, and did art all day, while having a very active and happy social life.

That was the summer before my memories started leaking through. So it was the last summer of my niavete. For me to be healthier than that, to come through the other side and twelve years later and to have minimal triggers, and minimal issues is good! I can hold down work, education, and healthy lifestyle. I am at a tipping point. A tipping point from unhealthy to healthy. :)

I also am learning some interesting things while having a roomy. 1) I am mostly and will get better at having someone live with me. I just have to be incredibly picky about who I let in, and I am good at deciding that now.

And 2) That I am not having smokers or couples. Becausse I am seriously allerigic to cigerette smoke... And because couples stress out my triggers. My roomie has his GF for four days, and tonight they were arguing in french, I have no idea what they were saying except, I had this sneaky suspicion it was about me. I mean..I can understand a heteronormatives couple concern. Shes young (like 21-22) and he is living with me, for three months, and its a cosy littly cottage in a foriegn country. I am equally as "exotic" probably form her point of view. She asked if I was american and was really sweet to me today.
he also mentioned her being rather possessive. This was in a conversation about his hobby of restoring old cars, and i asked if she ever joined in on your projects like his grandma did. And he siad no she just wants his attention all the time. And then spoke a bit more about this subject with her, saying that he has a hard time spending time with her regularly because "She is very needy". I can see this here while she is here. I kinda expected her to explore london, and instead she hung out at my house all day?
So I was just polite today, offering food or tea or coffee stuff like that. And mainly I just did my art and did my own thing. I felt the need to reclaim my home this weekend in a way I havent worried about in awhile. I dont feel particularly possessive of people, but after years of moving around, I feel very possessive of my home. LOL And I get i am renting and could be booted at any point. But I love my home/....ok waffling again!

Sometimes I can't tell a persons character, some people are very good at hiding things. But for the most part, there are kind and good people in the world. Felix is a very kind and good person. So is his GF but she is very young still :) He is a lot more mature than his age, but then he is a few years older than her I think. I actually dont know his exact age..or if I did i have forgotten.

Today I painted on the painting for a client that is a year behind...:p

I was super proud of myself. I didn't think I would ever get back to it. But I am. I can. I feel like, whatever stuff I was processing i have gotten through the worst of it this month and moving confidently foreward.

I started really digging into my course work too that I am a bit behind on..lol thats an under-estimate..i am about a whole month behind! So I will be CRAMMING all next week. I Wont be worrying about job hunting (Althought I did put some feelers out to two different potential job places ) or anyhting else (except artwork), and just try to make it through. I need to complete some ICMA's at least 4 out of 6 to pass the course. I will get it.

I have Rocky coming by tonight, tomorrow we're headed to West City. Hes having some family drama so I am being super supportive. He's never had any real drama like this before, and he seems really shaken up. I have never seen him so at a breaking point, something is really going on for him and I feel for him. He is still my best friend even if I dont feel romantic for him anymore.

I made some pancakes for the girls for tomorrow. I think a trip to the park would be nice if weather is nice. And if weather is bad we'll go to the aquarium. :)

Interestingly the man that I had such a conflicted reacction to, I explained patiently why I felt the way I did.

I also talked to mooseman and appologised. I was a bit man and distant on the weekend because of whole melt down. He understood and was really kind and sweet. I feel closer to him now. I am not sure wheer that is going, if anywhere, but I want to meet him at some point.

I havent done pilates in a few days, but I have been walking a bit more. Not as much exercise as I was doing when I was working but hey-ho, I am going to get back into it. I am still working on the bike thing.

So thats it for right now. Things are good, therapy has been really useful, and when I feel more ready I'll venture towards more dating but not really keen on connecting with people in a romantic way right now. I am quite happily doing my own things right now...and its new for me.
 
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My weekend was SO amazing I am still recovering.

I'll go chronologically to try and make sense of it.

Rocky came by my house on friday to pick me up to go back to his. We got waylaid because I was just starting a massive clean out of my wardrobes, because I expected him an hour later than he showed up.

Anyway, he pitched in and helped me and it was fun doing things together like that. :) He was really upset that night, so doing the simply things was soothing and after awhile I had him just sit on the bed near the end of putting away and organising while I held his hands and listened.

Apparently he took a huge stand against his family and some behaviours that weren't ok. I won't go into it all, but I was super proud of his honest, an that honest trickled its way into a huge part of other things for the weekend. That boy has stepped up big time!

On the heels of this he had had a huge talk with his best friend (AGAIN) decribing to him explicitly that I am family to him. So I realised I do have a label with him, I am family. And that is more important to me than lover, boyfriend/girlfriend, etc. His actions are showing he wants to treat me like family. The semantics of his stubborn argument on labels is annoying but hes much more anarchist than me. We are at an impasse abbout it, but we didnt talk about that- yet, I just listened to him instead.

Then we went to his house we had a LOT of sex. Like seriously, it was like he was a different man. He's never wanted sex this much, or this often, and even after we stopped and he came, he would be ready again a few minutes later. I think speaking his truth, and being OK with who he is has really helped his libido! I was NOT complaining! We spent three hours having sex, and went to bed super late, to then get up super early to head to West City.

Despite the bad weather, Rocky and I went with the girls to lunch at yo-sushi, the aquarium, and then to movies to see Alvin and Chipmunks.
It took three hours to get there and three hours back, so it was really nice to just rest. On the way out he was so tired from the love making and the talking about all the stressful stuff that happened with his family, that I just held him and stroked his head. He drifted in and out of conciousness while I quitely cuddled him, it was nice to watch him sleep and leave my mind to wander with no real need to do anything. I sometimes prefer public transport to cars, this is one of those times.

After we spent the hilarious day with the kiddos, we went to a pub to wait for the bus home. Rocky bought the tickets back and bought me a drink, two baileys coffees. Omg, so nice. I loved it. It was my medicine because my feet and knees were killing me being out in the cold inbetween indoor activities (Required a lot of walking and the weather was wet, windy and cold!!) On the tip home he returned the favour letting me cuddle him, even though I didnt actually sleep.

Anyway, I was so relaxed when we got back to his place, that we lapsed into talking. We were both quite awake after our repective "naps" and alcohol, that we spent two hour talking about stuff. He asked me about what it was like to live with my ex husband. He showed me all the things around his house that have me a part of it excitedly. Things like, some of my clothes in his wardrobe, a toothbrush in my favourite colour, a few pictures on the walls, and a watercolour painting I gave him that I did in Budapest when we two xmas'es ago. He said the biggest change for him recently, was that he realised no matter what happened he could handle it. That it didn't matter if he didn't get into the family business, that he would make his life worthwhile and happy in his own way, and hes very money focused and he talked aobut all the thinsg he wanted to do to help people withh is money. I found that quite sweet.

So then we talked a bit about terms with our "relationship" I put that in quotes because he has openly stated to his entire family that he considers me family. I have detached any sort of emotional response from this because I want to see what happens over the next six months. More importantly I realised I wasn't asking the questions I needed answers. Instead of arguing over semantics I talked about the needs we both needed. Obviously I needed acknoledgment and I got it, and he needed freedom and he gets that. I don't text him every day anymore, but he knows I am there if he needs me. Etc. etc. I am still going to date someone else besides him, just not sure when and how.

A big things I realised is that our goals and ideas of things align more than I realised. After doing some soul searching, especially in the wake of the fiasco I made of the lovely trans woman I went on a few date in Nov/Dec. I realised I need to figure out what my needs are in a relationship and if I even want one. Whats the point of asking for them if I don't want them? And more impotantly that even if I ask once a year, I need to revist and ask again from time to time as my opinion or desires might change!

Yes I want the status/security that being "gf/bf" is supposed to give, but really is it more secure ? Not really. That was certainly true in the case of Trip. And even when I have that relationship "title" I can start to feel stifled by it the minute I get into it. So I have conflicting needs / wants on this subject.
Things to definitely try to unravel with my therapist.

I also want to give a more balanced and fair view of why Rocky is important in my life, even if I cannot have a tradition nuclear family with him...that doesn't mean he isn't important to me.

Here's why:
1) Rocky Brings me Joy 95% of the time,
2)He is willing to be really honest with himself now, and he has grown and changed willingly along side me,
3) He sees the value of who I am, not what I can do for him.
4)He respects my space, time, autonomy, sexual emotional explorations (such as poly), and my need for time with him and time alone.
5) Our conversations are fucking amazing. Almost as good as sex. We can talk abbout anything, and not take it peronally, we can ask the hard stuff, and we can bring each other to accountability with out being similar to each others parent figure.
6)He brings out my natural leadership and dominant side that I am afraid of but I want to tap into- I bring out his effeminent and adventurous side, the part he is also afraid of but wants to tap into.


So speaking of the last boulliten point, After we exhausted ourselves talking we made a few agreements with each other.
1) We have defined ourselves as family and to be there for each other regardless if sex is involved.
2) We take a stand to prioritise each other, in terms of time/money etc.
3) We agree to respect each others difference of opinion on terms about the arangement
4) We agree to explore our sexual sides more completely
5) We agree to continue to encourage each others health and fitness goals
6) We agree to continue doing what we're doing and have been doing for the lasst year, which is, see each other when he has days off, have great sex, continue our episodes of OTNB etc, and generally just keep it consistent. We agreed to review how he feels about non-labels in a few months, specifically if he wants to be in this sort of dynamic forever or open to discussion on it.

As for me, I dont see me being gf/bf with him as something that leads to marriage and kids in the next year or even next five years. I do see us, just continuing doing what we're doing. And thats ok.

I have no real complaints and havent had since November. We are in a pretty stable place both of us, and I am sad and mad that my ideal is gone, but it was probably never there in first place.

Once agreements were made, we moves into hot and heavy amazing sex.
We spent yet another three hours making love. It was like we just couldn't get enough of eaach other. But I can see the patterns now, and I know that just because he made strides for doesn't mean he won't flip-flop later. Hence the 6 months. I explained this to him saying that although I recognise and appreciate the steps he's taken so far he has a long way to go to gain my trust.

In the meantime, sex was great! It isn't connective for me the same way, I mean I feel sexy, and happy, and turned on and I have a naturally high libido anyway, and hes very attentive and knows all my spots, its just that..something is missing that used to be there. And I wanted to fill up this post describing that lovely feeling I had of being in his arms, but maybe hes just not cacpable of the deeper feelings I felt, or only feels them when I dont want him? No idea.
We explored that somewhat the next morning after another session of sex, which was closer to love making but not quite.

Despite this though I am still trying and still there. I feel very loyal to him, and he admitted something else new that he had never said before that has really helped him be ok, he said that he had been afraid to tell me that he secretly wants to be dominated. that I would find his disgusting or gross, and I said no of course not ;) lol
So I tried just a simple one of doing this, I gave him a blow job, then a handjob just to the point of cumming but didnt let him come. I figured baby steps all in the right direction.

Now my only question is, can I trust it, or will it be hte same patterns of the past the minute I do trust he turns and walks away?
 
I'm glad you had such a good weekend with Rocky.

I don't know what "family" means to you... but for me, because of emotional abandonment, abuse, and neglect by my parents, a complete lack of connection with any extended family, and now being not exactly a good fit with Hubby's family, "family" for me, as I ranted in my blog a few months ago, has never been a positive thing... Until Woody came along, said he intended to build a "real" family for me, and has now told everyone in his household, as well as various associated others, that I am family, his and theirs--and they've all accepted me as such. For me, that's been huge.
 
KC43 said:
I'm glad you had such a good weekend with Rocky.

I don't know what "family" means to you... but for me, because of emotional abandonment, abuse, and neglect by my parents, a complete lack of connection with any extended family, and now being not exactly a good fit with Hubby's family, "family" for me, as I ranted in my blog a few months ago, has never been a positive thing... Until Woody came along, said he intended to build a "real" family for me, and has now told everyone in his household, as well as various associated others, that I am family, his and theirs--and they've all accepted me as such. For me, that's been huge.
Click to expand...

Hey Kc, thanks for chiming in :)

I read that blog post , and Its one of my most memorable with you (besides the more recent happy ones with woody) because it also made a big impact on me. I relate very strongly to all you say here, I understand and empathise with these sentiments. Only in the last year have I been able to consider the term "Family" happy. And "home" safe.

For me family means...
An ideal I never seem quite able to reach. People who care love and got my back. People who can come by my house whenever and feel totally welcome. People I can do the same to theirs. That closeness of love and caring and consideration of each others needs. Being there for people.

But for many years, family meant ignoring, arguing, fighting, abuse, physical/mental/emotional/sexual. And at the same times those things were me pretending it was ideal, i was very good at denial. I have a strong sense of hope and humour that surges to the surface of any strong negative feelings.

Sometimes family is my stuffed bunny I hold and wish I had had parents who tucked me in at night, and cared if I stayed out, or if I got hurt, were gentler and kind.

Family is my grandma. My grandma making strawberry jam and plum preserves. Putting her red clog shoes on in the summer that were too big, just to walk around in the sunshine. Family was freedom. Freedom to be me, to come and go as I like at my grandma's home. I had four precious years there of warmth, love and attentiveness, and its the thing I cling to. When I visited this last tiem in america, I saw my grandma. That's family to me.

I don't know why I don't associate my kids with this. I dont know how to associate them, and I hope they feel family with me. I tried to emulate my grandma in many ways. Family is my big dining room table, lovingly made and kept, that held thanksgiving and christmas dinners. I am not an amazing cook just a passable ones with rare moment of genuis. No two meals ever a like.

But I love, I give love unconditionally. And family to me is the hope to have that in return. I want to create people in my life who give love unconditionally. :) And I want to be one of those, instead I tend to be black and white and shut down at minor things instead of giving people chances again, or finding middle grounds to sort things out. I tend to put people in a box in my brain and forget they were there if they do something "bad" or "dangerous" to me. Do you ever experience this?

Anyway..thats my really long, complicated, contradictive, and confusing image of family.
 
I am in a place of no longer wanting to talk about Rocky to friends and family. Only here only in this space. I am tired of other peoples expectations. I just want to let it be, and let it lie.

In another note, I am talking to a woman tonight, and potentially meeting this weekend.

I feel optomisitic this person has potential to be local friend and see if there is more chemistry for more, but not worried if there isn't. Would be good to have a local friend.
 
And we are confirmed for meeting up tomorrow! woo hoo! :)

We just did a skype session, and I really like her, she's very real, and in a similar place to me, I think we will have lots to natter on about! And I liked subtly flirting with her on skype. She was there with her lover, so I briefly met him too, they are live out lovers, so I am meeting both this weekend. I think he is hopeful for more, but I am not too interested in him, he is nice but no spark, my interest lies in her, she is goooooorgeous. (Not just physically, but also intellectually and seems very real and kind.) I am excited to meet this yummy mummy!

More updates soon :D

Finally someone I am into, that it doesn't feel rushed we can take at our own pace, and have fun getting to know each other. Very cool! :)

Theres only one little bitty problem, shes not local! :( I got her name of city mixed up with another one near by that is spelled almost identically, and so shes more like an hour away. But I still think its do-able.

Oh I also forgot to mention,
Yesterday Rocky came over and took me out to lunch, we went to an Anne Summers and bought an outfit for me and our first kinky toy set. He let slip midtlaking to me that he had never dreamed of going to a place like this because it was only for people who were girlfriends or partners..I let it slide, if he's having a hard time with terminology he can chew on my cunundrum without my input! LOL But there was internal giggling that I tried to keep a poker face about. I really am doing my best to not impede on his wishes with no labels ;)

ANYWAY we got our first kink stuff, we had a lot of fun, and it was kinda nerve wracking for both. I found outwith him I am definitely more suited t obeing the dominant one. I got on top of him and had a very fun time blindfolding him handcuffing him and having my naughty way with him. ;)

Who is This new star? I am liking it I have to say. I am definitely enjoying it :D :D

Now I am thinking of taking my new skills to the lady I am meeting this weekend hehehehe.
 
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I decided not to go on a second date with the man from last week. The one I went on a date with on a monday.

He doesn't have a nickname because he called me up on wednesday demanding we meet on friday, it was done playfully in a dom way, so I didn't mind that it wasnt a question. But when that spilled over into sexual fantasy, that then crossed lines into all the things he wanted to do with my body i felt like he was crossing barriers again. This person just doesn't have a good idea of personal boundaries. Talking about how he wants me to never wear panties out with him so he can slip his cock in whenever just icked me out incredibly. I told him I had to go and that I couldn't do friday.

So yeah, feeling pretty good about that decision. Moving on, dating is like that sometimes! I forgot about the stories this stuff creates...
 
Hope the meeting with the woman you were talking to goes well! An hour isn't much, at least to my perspective; when I was dating S2, he lived 45 minutes away when there was no traffic--and there was almost always traffic. Some of the weeknights I went to his place, it took me 2 hours to get there. (I'm really happy that it's a half hour or less to Woody's most of the time, 45 minutes if I hit rush hour.)
 
Well,
The date probably couldn't have gone worse.

First of all I didn't have all the information and did some risky behaviour.

I should have asked more of the lady involved. Apparently she didn't make the profile, her fuck buddy did. Said fuck buddy was a very bad-wanna-be-dom.

He wanted his fantasy threesome with a woman.

I was understandably not down for this.

I had expected and was made to understand by the woman, I will name her Sarah, that she and I would be going on a date only and that the fuckbuddy/friend would be at home to watch the kids.

What actually happened was the kids were away, the fuck/buddy friend picked me up (I thought we were all travelling together?) and went to her house and he expected us to go straight into sex. which i promptly put a stop to and wasnt something she wanted.

So I took her aside privately and asked, whoa what the fuck? Basically, because he may be her dom, but I wasnt here to see him, I was here t osee her, and I wanted to date HER and I felt very angry and upset that 1) he was treating me the way he treats her, and 2) that there was an unsaid expectation to just have sex when actually I jsut wanted to hang out with her and get to know her.

I dont even think we'll maintain firendship, because when they understood what I wanted, we all went out for a drink at a pub, which was nice, sorta, in that they were mature enough to be cool with that nad didnt start any strange stuff. BUT he's a total jerk. If I had been on a date with him in coffee or both of them, I would have said, nice to meet ya both after about 10-20 mins and left.

So things I learned from this experience
1) Do not trust that someone says poly who is a woman isnt a swinger and the acccount is not actually run by a man.
2) ask more questions along these lines in future.
Ie. What do you know about poly
How long have you been poly
What are you looking for
3) meet in a public place near my home with means to get home by myself
4) Make the first meeting no longer than one hour in person

My dating life has been such a fail lately. I think it shows me a reflection of where I am at. 1) I dont want drama. 2) I want to focus on my education. 3) I want to focus on my kids, health and Rocky. And 4) I just dont want to date clearly.

I will state examples of his jerky beahviour I called him out on
1) He made comments that a man having a wine at the pub was "gay". i told him that it was inappropriate to say that and I ddnt appreciate it considering both me and Sarah are bi.
2) I picked up a kids toy off the ground, and he snatched it from my hand. I was going to see if it was the tables next to us because they had kids. I said this and he said, finders keepers. Then I rolled my eyes and ignored that one because, I figured the sexist and misogynistic comments were more important to tackle. He then said "Star do you want the toy back? I give you permission to have it now" And I knew this was a subtle power play of Sarah herself andn ot about the fucking toy, and I told him to Fuck off.
3)He made inappropriate bating comments abbout my body, my high cheekbones, my looks, how i turned heads in the pub. I Told him, thats nice he noticed because I'm here for Sarah and not him, so really she can be the one to say such things.
4) At this point, Sarah said, don't worry star just nod and smile at him, and I said no way, I don't do that anymore. I won't put up with behaviour towards me from a stranger I just met that is not respectful and kind.

So yeah another date fail...
They were definitely dishonest, rude, and downright objectifying her and me, and I am not ok with that because it wasn't consensual on my end to be objectified. Not my kink with someone I don't trust and don't know!
 
Damn... That's really all I can think of to say. What complete bullshit! I hope your next dating attempt doesn't involve a dom-hole and a doormat...
 
KC lol you naied it! I completely hope that doesn;t happen again. I guess after the amazing dates of last summer I was bound to run into a few duds. Laws of probabilities and all that. I mean last spring summer I dated a lot of really cool people even if it didnt go anywhere. I still talk to Leo ocassionally, and I am now ironically friends with Trips partner.

I still am friendly with with Seth who I see on mondays, and also with Liam, who I just went to see deadpool with :) So life is good on that front, most of the people in 2015 I met were sane haha. (Even Trip was sane, he just had a dodgy moral compass and we agreed amicably to part ways- though I could have given him a lot more words!)

Reverie, I know I know it will get better in the future. I am just trying to find local friends networks and I guess there is a huge swinging culture here which is totally different to poly culture. If I knew what I was getting into upfront I could have agreed to go along and have a random encounter, but the dishonesty and his sexism/racism/gay phobia really just gave me such a migraine. I seriously never want to see that man again.

Standing up for myself consistently and kindly is hard, and I did my best to stay kind (fuck off isnt so bad in the uk as the usa), anyway, if she had more of a spine with him I would have dated her, and if we had been able to I dont know, actually go for a walk and spend time on our own, I would have enjoyed it. But that didnt really happen and I didn't just dislike him, but was really angry at him at one point.

He even went so low as to say, be careful waht you say to me I wont drive you home. (said jokingly) but the joking part was a mask of real sincerity. Apparently my strength made me a target to such a petty angry man. I didnt like him at all. ICKY!

So yeah, not happening again.

I am back to studying and having good times.

Found my Lelo hiding out under my bed, and put it in a new place, securely. I am going to be my only second dating person to myself for awhile LOL. :D
 
OMG Star, what a terrible man! He picked you up and drove you home? An entitled jerk like that? You're lucky you weren't date raped.

I always meet men in public first, and I drive myself to and from a first date. If I really click with someone and feel fine about their motives, once in a while I invite someone back to my house. But I never let a new guy pick me up.

I learned my lesson about trusting men back in my late teens when, in the space of a few months, I was attacked going in to a friend's apartment building, and later, forced to give oral sex to a guy who drove me home from a party (when the friends I'd gone with wanted to stay but I didn't).

I know you said you've learned your lesson, I am just scared for you in retrospect. It could have been so much worse.
 
I was under the impression that Sarah was coming with in the car. But I guess not. I should have just not got in the car at that point, but you live and learn. I have been kinda reckless lately, with grief, doing things out of character for me since Begining of february.

Anyway, I was ok thankfully, and I wont be seeing either again. I have been raped numerous times before, but I am not always good at judging situations where that might happen again. I made a calculated risk with this figuring he was mostly bluster, and he was until I started verbally standing up to him rather forcefully. You just never know...

Anyway, Thats whats been going on with me in the dating front.

In the work front I think I may have gotten a reception job. I sent the CV in finally and spoke to the lady who works there. I am going for a session there tomorrow morning at 11. I have really gotten mentally disconnected and strange in february, and I think I am not in a good mental/emotional head space to see anyone. I am even considering backing off a lot from Rocky.

I am sure its grief talking and I would regret it because thins have been calm since November.

I am self-sabtogaing spiraling and need to figure a way out of it. I am going to go look at a bike and possibly purchase one today, and hopefully I can get some exercise in that way. The weather is nice and sunny here recently that biking would be amazing.

I have gained weight, only 2-5 pounds, but still its a lot, and my strength is a lot less from when I was working on my feet. I am hoping getting the bike will help as its a good form of cardio and strength when I have only been doing light pilate workouts right now. I have barely done the bare minimum in workouts all of february! I feel kinda like a slob. My house is nice and tidy though, and I am completing my school work, and self care, and doing my therapy so thats all positve. I also cleared out and detail organised all my closets, and changed duvets and colour schemes from winter to summer.

Life is good but I am just spiralling on somedays because of lack of exercise and work other than studies. Its making me a bit mad!

I am headed out to drinks tonight with a local female (Non Date) which will be AWESOME! :D I really need female friends in the area that are reliable kind and consistently there. I want to start integrating into THIS community more!

I can't wait. :)

So many positive things are happening, and I am doing my best not to be odd and strange but I find myself out of no where crying. I was walking in the woods today to go to the corner store, and out of no where I had a panic attack and started sobbing hiccuping. I got it under control in about 5 minutes but it was really odd and I don;t even know why I was!
 
So this weekend is going really well!

I met up with Rachael on Friday night, and we had drinks, I am not sure if a friendship will materialise but she is more of an aquaintance possible friend. :)

time flew by as we talked about all different things in life, and it was so nice to meet up with someone local and get to know them who is around the same age with a lot of the same goals and stuff in life. Plus we're both working and creative. :)

Then Saturday I went to Pilates in the morning, and it was killer on my hips. I have siattica and it was playing up so bad i litterally almost cried doing the moves (Clam, and leg lifts.) It was leg day most of hte pilates and for the life of me I could no get my hips and knees to stabalise. I got really annoyed with the instructor too when he said I was just too "Weak" in my muscles. I said, no I am not weak I have an illness that affects my ligaments that means they don't stabalise properly, so actually it has nothing to do with that. I really don't think I gel with her a teacher, she, rubs me the wrong way, I felt her appraoch to a lot of teh students were rather abrupt and harsh when in this studio you need a lot of patient and understanding because the whole reason people choose this studio is because of physical health problems such as rhabilition from an accident or injury, life long medical conditions like ME/MS/Fibro or my Elher's Danlos disease. Also, Things like hip replacements or surgery, or recovery from cancer. So you need an almost zen like patience with people. She also doesn't listen well, I told her that some of her stuff was too easy for me, and she was like, oh its too hard? I will make it easier fo you next time.

So I wont be doing saturdays I will do it with the other teacher who is more my speed. I have no problems being corrected on my form or posture or whatever, but I do have issues with being ignored and demeaned/treated less than.

Although those hip exercises killed me I have decided to do them on my own at home, because they make a big difference for the rest of the day, I have a lot less pain in my hips/knees/lower back when I do them after the fact. It's just I am sure the pain I am experiencing isn't just glute/muscle pain (Because I do lunges, T bends and stiff leg deadlifts at home, so I know its not that) It's nerve pain, because it shoots down my leg to my foot and feels like someone put a knife in my hip bone and makes my leg spasm with pain involuntarily.

When I got home, I got ready for my daughters to come over for the day. We made cream cheese cookies with gluten free flour and stevia (Healthier version), with dough I prepped and chilled in the freezer.
Then we rolled it out, cut it into hearts and teddy bear shapes, and added various decorations, from icing spray to sprinkles. Very cute stuff!

I had a girl chat with Shooting Star about her weight, yes I know a sensitive subject and found out there was little she could do about it because her dad is forcing her to eat her whole meal, before she gets desert! UGH. Such bad advice, I was really annoyed about this. So I said, well I guess I can't really argue with that, but I just want to give yu the tools to succeed I didn't have growing up.

She trumped me with "Well I don't get bullied at school for my weight, I get bullied becuase I don't have a mother." I asked her how she handled it, and she said, she tells the girls to shut up and stop- that she does have amother just doesn't live with her. I asker her if it would help if I came to the school once in awhile? She said yes. I said to let me know when sports day was and I would be there. I was super proud, her approach is a little more aggressive than I would have handled it, but at least she was speaking up and defending herself. And at her age, I ran away and hid and cried my eyes out. I don't think I ever told a bully to stop. I asked her if she was ok about it all, living with dad and such, and she said yes she is- just that shes used to being super popular at school and she isn't at this school and that makes her mad and sad, but that she doesn't want to be friends with people who are more worried about hanging out with popular girls anyway. Its a big change for her, she used to being queen bee.

Rosebud and I spent one on one time playing skylanders today, she didnt want to talk about school or friends or life, she just wanted to cuddle and play. We all went on a walk later where Rosebud used her bike, and Shooting Star and I talked.

I felt like it would have been nice to have more time, but it is what it is, I cant do much about it.

My roomie texted me this afternoon telling me work gave him a week off since they had no further projects for him at this time, and he went back to france for the week. I was so relieved. I haven't properly cried once since hes been here and a lot of the time I have been on hypervigilant mode. So I am taking this whole week to cry and get stuff done, and sleep with my door open and enjoy the time to have my home to myself. :) :)

Not that having the room has been all bad, its been wonderful, but I am also struggling with big triggers from my past living with someone and its been a big adjustment, so having a break from that and my guards being able to be relaxed and be down is such a welcome relief.
 
This week has been so healing.

I spent Sunday and Monday miserable. The fall out from the emotional stress of having a man I dont know well and dont ttrust in the house for a month (Even though in actuality he is kind!) was so exhausting all I felt like was sleeping.

Then, I finally rallied myself, went to the gym and signed up, so now I am doing pilates and swimming and a few classes. I needed to do something to stop the self spiraling.

I also came to the realisation, that until things are more resolved on the Rocky front, I don't want to date anyone.

I am going to let this play out first.

He came by in the daytime today and we spent the day together, we did things like cook together, play games, watch tv, nap together, and the he helped me with my university studies. He enjoyed that. It was simple pleasures and I felt good about myself.

I am not able to risk my heart for anyone new. And I am not willing to risk the connection I have with him while trying to figure it out.

Rocky and I had about a 30 mins talk about what to do about his continuing back and forth with the label of "Dating" "relationship" and "commitment". We agreed that in April we would do something different. Instead of him "thinking about it and deciding what he wanted" when he comes to the conversation, he is going to "Think about all the if/whens" and then DISCUSS it with me, then we will reconvene and see if we can actually make it work, with both our input. This is a big change, and one I have fought two long hard years for. To be included in his thought processes when it comes to make decisions that affect me. He has been slow to learn this one as he is used to going his own way and making decisions and not including anyone. And also how his family dealt with each other. His mother didnt include his dad in homemaking decisions, and his dad didn't include his mother in business decisions. So they had their own realms and roles and kept to that and he wants to buck those traditions.

I also had an ah-hah moment that I realised to me, love and family has always meant pain, and I figured he had the same problem with the terms "relationship" "dating" and "commitment". I asked him if we could confront that because I felt he was finally ready to face it. Mostly because hes been asking similar questions of his sister and trying to get her to face some of her demons.

Although many times with Rocky has been painful on this path when has verbally rejected me, at the same time, many many many more times have been beautiful as hes been one of the few people in the world to show me true love. Love that isn't painful. And we are working on that still, we are equally flawed in this manner and it is why I keep giving him chances because, he is not saying he doesn't want me. What he's saying is "I am Afraid". So I am simply showing him, that when he eliminates that fear, does he still then want to eliminate a relationship?

When he saw me today, he said he was so glad we could meet in the day time because he felt lately we had met a lot at night. I said well yes, I guess you must have felt like a booty call lol. But then I pointed out wikipedia defined dating at going out in public in the day, and so, I just accomodated him coming at night if he was going to insist he wasn't dating me? ;):p

But he's been very patient with my own mixed signals, and I have settled a lot in my self, I do not feel poly is an identity of myself, as it is a life style choice for me. I do feel Bi is. And if I wanted to be Bi in action I would most likely have to be poly. However I run slightly more to straight than towards women, and when I do run the other direction its fleeting and passes after awhile.

I am happy to be romantic towards a woman without sexually being involved and have a very initimate friendship.

I am not willing to continue poly as a lifestyle because over the last year, fro mthe court case to now I realised that politically and socially I would make my life hell for getting my kids back later. So it has led me to the conclusion that I want my kids more than I want poly, and I do not live in an area or life that would allow me to be that way. I have no had that path. So its been a lot of thinking on this subject.

When my kids are adults, and the Rocky front will have long since played out, I will revisit this path perhaps. But for me this exploration has done so much for me. And I will continue to come here and post here my limited experiences. Ironically, Rocky is fine for me to be poly or not, and he understands why I wouldn't risk my kids. So it is not for him I capitulate, but because I realise that just because 2014-2015 the fight went out of me with regards to the kids, it will not be that way for ever. And I will be able to, want to, and succeed at fighting again. Even if I don't fight again, and choose not to, I want the best possible options to. And allow that door to be wide open should laws change and allow for my girls to be back with me.

I am feeling really hopeful and good about this choice.
 
I like KCs disclaimer, so I am running with that idea tonight myself as I am tipsy, headed home after a highly emotional twenty four hours, and I have feelings ranging from bursting into tears, rage, and extreme horniness. If it's broken lets sex it up, am I Right? Lol.

I went to Rocky's last night and we stayed up late talking and then had sex and slept. I shocked myself triggering last night when he whispered in my ear "come for me [starlight]" and I shouted out loud "No! Not until you do!" I guess on a subconscious and now conscious level I am really frustrated he is dragging his heels in a decision, and that I am basically manipulating him into wanting me instead of him enthusiastically wanting me. Yup. That's what it feels like, like pushing a cart sideways I am beginning to see how circular and pointless and in denial I have been the last year.

Is there point in hoping? I don't know. I feel us moving inexorably away from each other. Unable to move forward because he doesn't want to keep up his end. He doesn't want to include me.
I am less than. And fuck that. I won't be anyone's less than.

I know what I am worth now.

So anyway, today I went to west city, and saw an old friend there. It was so nice to see her. I have a few friends left out this way and thinking of relocating in September.

I don't know, but I do know my situation of being so far from the girls has probably got to change at some point. Either by me getting a car, or moving closer.

So yeah.

Ria is still really mad at me and I don't know how to fix the problem. I have been calling and texting but no replies so far.

I am going to sleep for the three hour trip back. I am revisiting the idea of solo poly when I sort out this stuff with rocky.
 
I've learned to put disclaimers because if I'm not clear on the differentiation between venting and spewing vs. something I actually believe, sometimes folks who read the posts get concerned. I don't want to worry anyone, I just want to get crappy stuff out of my brain :)

You are definitely worth more than being someone's "less than" or backup plan or anything like that. I hope you're able to sort out what's going on with Rocky and with Ria.
 
The most painful thing to see in someone elses eyes in lost hope.

Sometimes when I ask rocky something, I see this. I see a shutting down, and a pulling away. And thats the point I want to get him out of.

Today is my friend Acton's birthday. Things are going well in his life with relationships and jobs.He was recently on a BBC show. I am happy for him, he continues to be a stable friend.

Things with Ria, not so great. I have to sit down and write her a long email explaining how I care too much for her to go on being just fiends at this point in time and that I just need a few months away while I get over that, and then we can resume friendship. I am also pretty angry taht shes talking about me to her friend Trinity, and so it becomes a weird triangular relationship of communication. Theres a lot of factors going into this decision to pull away right now, but I think its the right thing for me at the moment. I will not go into another situation like my highschool sweety where I hung on with like .5% hope. At least with Rocky, he tries! We go away on holidays, we share costs now (50/50%), he helps with kids as much as he can, and I accept he's a peter pan right now. That's ok. Hes off on holidays and seeing family and friends, and living life to the full. I am hunkering down and studying, slightly jealous of his freedom of travel this year, but thats ok he was jealous of mine last year. We both like freedom and travel. I wish we could do more together.

My education is going well, past the stress of hte last assignment/test. And now plowing through this next block to finish early. I dont want the stress of last minute again. So I am working super hard to finish before end of may, and then I'll be able to focus on finding work without worrying about my courses just yet.

I signed up to the next modules, and I decided to stay in this house londer. I have connections here now. I was thinking of moving in september but I am going with the "get a car" route, and if not a car at least my license and rent a car occasionally to see the girls.

We have been less than passionate since the last time we saw each other. It was a weird sex session and I am completely in work mode so my libido is just not here right now.

I have a friend coming over tonight for dinner. He's not a date per say, but we're both in similar life stages of being the parent not with the kids, so its nice to have someone to hang out with.

I also recently saw my new aquaintance/friend whom I need to get a name for if it lasts longer than a few more months. I also cant wait to re-get-intouch with a woman named Leona. She was my girls student counsellor so we were contractually obliged not to be in touch for a year, and that ends in may. So I am super excited to be her friend in compacity of friend rather than counselor/counsellee. I am still doing my counselling which has turned a corner.

My french roommate is also back from holiday, and that is nice. He's a good person but my pulling away caused him to pull away and now we're more or less "hi and bye" people, which is quite frankly how I like it. Me and my walls...:rolleyes:

I am begining to accept that no matter what profession I am in, I am a solitary person, and maybe that is ok.

I have upped my workouts to 5 days a week. 4 days pilates, with swimming once or twice a week, and walking on the rest of the days. I am loving it. I also placed my dining table next to my front bay window to enjoy the light all year around while studying. :)
 
Well the "friend date" the other night was really fun, he;s a good guy. However, he very clearly stated he didn't want "more female friends", and wants a "relationship" with me.

Wow, why can't rocky be that clear? :p

So I said, ok, I will try kissing you and see if there is chemistry. We kissed and there was, but in the middle of the kiss all I saw was rocky, ouch. That wasn't intentional he just flashed in front of my face, and I realised I need to resolve things with him first before I test out anything new with anyone else.

I sat back and explained poly, and my situation loosely with Rocky. I said, look, I am tangled up emotionally in something that I need to sort out first so this is just not so great timing.

(You think I would have learned this lesson back in november?)

Anyway, I said, I'd much prefer to be friends, as I had stated before when we went out to the movies last time, and the movie was "how to be single" and I wasn't flirty or romantic with him at all last time. Even this time I wasn't very flirty or romantic in any way. Except when we kissed. Plus there were some thing he said that moved him to friend-zone in my head anyway.
First of all he insisted on paying for me when I told him right now I don't have the finances to meet-up up in london, but I can meet-up locally. I said I didn't want to take his money. He tried to talk me into it instead of just taking no for an answer.

So I am going to be real here, I wanted to practice my boundaries on him, the last few dates for me have felt like I am just putting into practice being me while others want/need something from me, as this is a fundamental stumbling point in my emotional/mental level right now. I have some rules about these situations generally. Don't go on more than two "dates" if they are aren't friends, pay your own way, don't flirt or lead them on.

The difference with this guy was I was very upfront that I want friends only. Fro mthe time we went to a drink and movie, to having him around my house, I had no intention of being romantic. I only kissed him because he asked (Boundary fail here!). But I am learning. I did ask him to clarify if he could be friends or not and we try something later (Timing is the issue here more than anything), and he wasn't interested.
So there goes that story of the week. I am kinda bummed about this as we had quite a bit in common, both nomads, both have kids, both same age, both divorced, etc.

He spent a long time texting me on Saturday trying to convince me to see him sunday. I explained again I needed two days like I requested, and disengaged from the conversation since he was being pushy. I don't like people being pushy. His was very subtle pushy, but it was still there.

His logic was "Why cant we hang out knowing we're attracted to each other and act on it?" I said "Because I don't want FWB, I don't want to do anything sexual with anyone right now." (Except Rocky..and possibly Ria..but obviously the second one is pie in the sky..)

I should counter this with "Why cant you be friends with me and not act on your sexual attraction?" I did that for over a year with Ria and no issue, would have still been not an issue if she hadn't sent such mixed messages from begining, and I am still thinking if we can resolve the controlling issues, then perhaps we can maintain friendship. More concerning that my budding feelings for her was the fact she was triangulating the information with other people, (trinity), and stone walling me with communication instead of just asking for some space- the turning around and saying that it was both our ideas for stonewalling. Um no it wasnt. As well as me taking money from her being a condition of continued friendship???? :confused::confused::confused: That one I really didn't get. I am wondering if this east/west mentality going on. As in in the western world you don't take money from other people even on loan(I was raised that is a shameful thing to do!). And in east you work together as a group? I have noticed in Rocky's family this is the case, and Ria even used that as an example that I took money from him and not her. But how could I explain that it was ok with Rocky, and not with her? I just hadn't reached that level of comfortable yet.
Hypothesis? Opinions?

Anyway..This has been a really rambly post.
As I work on closing up all connections this was the last one in my list from random OKC people, with the guy who came over for dinner. I'll call him Local-OKC just for clarity.

So Local, I guess we aren't going to be friends. He definitely wants more and I can't give that. I have no desire to mess up where Rocky and I are headed. I am not giving myself or identity up to him, I am simply compromising providing he meets me halfway. If he doesn't well then I stop sex with Rocky and take at least 3-6 months away from him. That's my plan B if the negotiations don't work on email/in person.

So far though, now that we are addressing things maturely there's been little stress or drama, and I am waiting for the proof as I need to see him actually send the email.

I also have finally made a list of my needs and wants that is sitting in my inbox. I thought I didn't have any with him besides him addressing his needs but I was wrong. I do. At least three points. :)
 
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