The Polly Roller Coaster

Yes, of course it can be done. But your problem is that you are expecting it to be done straight away, and that it will all be plain sailing from there on in. IT IS A PROCESS!!

You did a good thing by sharing your feelings with your husband, and then somehow had them invalidated by deciding to ignore the conversation. I am confused by that. Communication is vital. You can't afford to ignore conversations, and neither can he.

Examine your fears and insecurities-- "the monster that rises." Do you fear him ending up loving her more than you and leaving, or are you envious of their intimacy and connectedness? If it is the latter, then as I've said before, you both need to work on regaining that. Listen to what the monster is saying. Monsters should not be ignored either.
 
I hate monsters! They're scary! *shudder* Great. Now I won't be able to sleep without the lights on! Thanks a lot! LOL
 
So after the morning monster of yesterday, C and I ended up talking and talking, first on the phone. Then she came over and we talked and talked and talked. I was the one who actually said at one point, "We have already talked about that ad nauseum and I am not going there again." :p Ah, progress!

It was pretty funny, because we had lots of laughs in the process, and she wanted me to help her with some "bikini line" stuff, and I did, with the "no touch" technique. Again, another proud moment for me! :)

We ended up going to get our nails done and having a great time, and I felt so attached and secure, until the ride home, when she mentioned again that she wanted a date night with hubby only. I said that we had talked about this before, and I had asked for a little patience. Please just be patient. It will come, but it can't happen this weekend. She was pissed. "I hate having limitations placed on me," she said. She came at me a bit and again, I said, "Could we just ignore that last 5 minutes and get back to where we were?" Begrudgingly, she managed to (miraculous recovery!) as we pulled into the driveway.

We had a quick bite of dinner, and the three of us hit the bedroom for some incredibly good frolicking! It still confuses me a bit, because we all are so incredibly compatible in the bedroom, and she is into me a lot there. So I will just roll with it and enjoy all the good pieces, and try to push through the bad ones. When I feel nice and secure like this, it seems the monster is not even in the picture, of course. Let's hope it stays that way!

Thanks for any other words of wisdom.
 
Just a quick update, in case others out there are experiencing some of the same insane NRE. It truly is crazy!

Friday night was incredible. The three of us went out for a night in the big city. I am not sure if it was the great communication that we had had for the two days preceding it, or what, but I was so good with it! I was so comfortable 'letting' (not sure if that is the right word) the two of them 'date each other' for the night. I hung back and watched and totally dug it!

Don't get me wrong. C paid me some kindness too-- a few touches here and there, a steamy hot restroom stall kiss, and some beautiful smiles and laughs along the way. I just seemed to be good with it all, and the monster truly was nowhere to be seen.

We made it home and continued the frolicking into the early hours of the morn.

Very happy today. Yet I look back to a few days ago (trying not to) and wonder why or how I was so wigged out by it all. Hormones? lol

I suggested to them both that they go for a motorbike ride together and enjoy some alone time, while I go to the toy store ;) Yay!

Does anyone have any insight into this? Could it all be just from communication? Or is it the fact that I got some attention again?

Who knows? I will take it, though. It's beautiful! :p
 
Well, since this is the 'Roller Coaster' thread, here comes the down. CRASH!

As mentioned, Friday was outstanding, and Saturday day was great. C and hubby hung out a bit and had a nice time.

I arrived home with dinner, when C told me that we needed to be at her place within the hour to go to this party that she had booked us into, with our agreement, of course.

So, rush rush rush. No dinner for me. Actually, no food since breakfast. (I should know better.) We picked her up.

The outdoor party was great, with a live band and lots of people. It should have been fun, but the monster was starting to surface! Aaaaaah!

Seriously, I had no idea where it came from, but it was bad and I wanted to leave. Of course, I wanted to leave with my hubby. Everyone was on eggshells. C wouldn't come near me. Hubby was sticking close by, arm around me.

Anyhow, needless to say, there was a big implosion, followed by a day of no talking to the hubby. C and I made up the next day. But then she stopped talking to me on Monday, because hubby was afraid to Skype with her.

Ack. We have talked it out again. I feel like a douchebag and have apologized profusely, and tried to loosen my grip. Still trying! They are both begging me to do so, or to end it. Frick. Tough tough work!

C is coming over for dinner tonight. Hopefully, we can all be cool.

I booked another counseling appt, in hopes that someone can help with this control thing (apparently) that I have going on.

I know I have asked before, but someone must have some sort of technique that I could try to 'de-sensitize' to the situation. Anything???
 
Make friends with your monster. Give him or her a name and ask her what she is trying to tell you. Get some solitude when she surfaces and write down what she's telling you. Then work on what she says with the other parties concerned. You can't make them feel differently about you or each other, but there are needs of yours that are not being met, and they need to be aired.

I think your monster is trying to tell you that you are forcing yourself to accept a situation that is very difficult without the appropriate self care. The amount others care for us is usually a reflection of how well we care for ourselves.

Don't expect things be be right overnight. Aim for a less aggressive monster each time. But this will only come about if you start acknowledging the issues and working them through. The monster is a result of the problems, not the problem herself.

They won't love you anymore if you force yourself to be really really good, and not make a fuss about what's going on. You will just create a really ugly monster.
 
Thanks Sage, you seem really good with this stuff. Lots of practice? ;)

What I want is to relax. I know, logically, that we are all good with each other, but it seems that logic has little room at times. Which is odd, since I am very logic-based (programmer).

I bought 100 bucks worth of snacks today, so hopefully, the monster doesn't rise with a low blood sugar only. ;)

They keep asking me, 'What is in it for me?' I just really love being tight with the both of them. It's so fucked up. Or maybe not. Who knows?

Anyhow, I am working on myself, which, by the way, is a pretty secure self 90% of the time, but that 10% down almost kicks my own ass to the curb.

Thanks again.
 
PollyPocket said:
I am working on myself, which, by the way, is a pretty secure self 90% of the time, but that 10% down almost kicks my own ass to the curb.
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That's actually a pretty good split of up and down, IMO. I was 50/50 for the better part of a year and it almost drove me crazy.

I finally needed a visual way to understand this new cycle of ups and down and collect my thoughts. Ups and downs come in all relationships, but this was the first time I had experienced anything like this roller coaster. Getting to know the monster and your metamour more is the key.

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Someone must have some sort of technique that I could try to 'de-sensitize' to the situation.
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I have no suggestions for desensitization techniques that don't involve copious use of vibrators. But maybe some of this will help:

You two have only been sexually involved with C for about 2 months, right? And this is your first poly experience during a 20+ year monogamous marriage?

This is a HUGE CHANGE. You are going through hugely fluctuating emotions as a result.

And the relationship itself is in flux. It has progressed (over 6 months) from a close friendship between you and C, to a fabulously sexual persistent threesome, to all of that PLUS a loving relationship between C and your husband, and you feeling left out.

It seems to me there is a lot of pressure on you to be ok with this, RIGHT NOW. Pressure from C, from your husband, and maybe most of all, from yourself.

It might help to just try to accept that you can't predict your whipsawing emotions right now. And to accept that you may not be able to give effective answers to questions like, "What's ok today? What's gonna be ok next week?"

You're expecting an awful lot from yourself to process this many big changes so quickly, in my opinion.
 
loving ur post

Polly,

Just wanted to say real quick I love ur post, because I have a somewhat similar situation, with a few differences. J and I are the women in dh's life. We are all sexually active. J has become my best friend. We love each other, but she and dh have a whole different kind of love, much like ur dh and C.

My blog is Blog of the Mono Wife under Life and Stories. You have to read to get the picture. It's been a crazy and painful ride. But we haven't given up yet. I know my dh loves me more than words can express, but that doesn't keep me from quite often feeling like I am going lose him.

We have gone thru the break-ups, and I have seen them both hurt to the point where I have had to find my own corner and cry. It hasn't even been a year. So much has happened for the better, although at times I thought I would die from the pain. Now I can't let J go anymore than I can dh, and that means watching them and knowing they love each other, and feeling left out sometimes, even when it isn't fair to think like that. I love them both and wont let either go. I hope I made sense in all that.
 
Wow. I love both of your replies, anotherbo and ak2381. Thank you! :)

I guess part of this whole thing is learning to accept yourself as you are. I find myself chanting to myself, in between my my newfound breathing techniques, "I am okay, in fact, I am pretty damn good." Part of the beauty amidst this chaos is that somewhere I am (or will emerge) stronger and better, and maybe even more complete. That is my hope, anyhow.

The confusion in the chaos must somehow be embraced, along with the love and the hate that radiates at times. It is a ride. Nothing is dull and boring! Eek!
 
Unicorn situations can seem, to a neophyte, to be ideal. One lovely sexy partner for both the established couple to share? Awesome.

However, in reality, she is not your mindless play toy. She's a full human being, just like the two of you. Her feelings for your husband won't match her feelings for you. Do we all love our platonic friends, and brothers and sisters, children, cousins, in just the same way? No. Of course not. Each person is unique and so is each relationship.

My ex-husband and I tried this arrangement back 10+ yrs ago and it was a disaster. The woman acted like she'd be into us both, but soon enough, she and my h were "soulmates" and she wasn't interested in sex with me. In fact, she had huge trust issues around women in general, stemming from sexual abuse as a child. He wanted to move her right in and have two wives. Um. No!

So, I'd say you three are ahead of the curve here. She likes/loves both of you, is sexually interested in both of you.

One term not mentioned yet here is compersion. It's a useful place to come to, being happy when your partner is happy. Like, if he was out with platonic friends, you'd be glad he was out having fun, and glad for a break to pursue your own interests, or see other friends. Likewise here, when he's with the woman, you're still his wife, his lover, and he will come back to you.

My lovers just seem to add to my relationship with my current serious gf. I come back with new experiences to relate. It makes me a fuller, more actualized, more interesting person, to her.

I had some jealousy when she had a lover for a while, but it was mostly related to boundaries we had to establish. (She slept over his place on their first date, without telling me beforehand or that night. That really sucked.) Once we talked out things like that, I felt fine with her seeing others, having lustful or caring feelings for them. When I met her guy, I was amazed at how jealous I didn't feel!
 
Magdlyn said:
Do we all love our platonic friends, and brothers and sisters, children, cousins, in just the same way? No. Of course not. Each person is unique and so is each relationship.
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It is such an interesting thought, that there are so many types of love, yet only one word to capture them all. I have been doing so much reflection lately on this word, and this feeling, and have come to understand the "NRE" as a more complete word. My dog, the lust, want, desire, newness, and of course, the deep attachment are still so strong!

We managed to break out of the pattern of weekend overkill this weekend. Thankfully, relatives were in town, so while Friday night was a wonderful night, Saturday turned into just dinner at our place, and her going home for the night. Not that anyone really wanted this, but it was good A little space and time is good, It is something that I have always struggled with finding, yet as I move into mid-life (aaaah!!), I really really must find it more.

Sunday (today) may be a different story as the rellies are now gone and tomorrow is a holiday! Kinda exciting just writing this. :cool:

Thanks again for all the kind thought and suggestions. It is coming along nicely (for now!).
 
I like your analogy of a rollercoaster. However, after riding a few more rollercoasters, and then going through this weekend, I would liken our relationship to that of a blender.

There is the time when you put the drink mix into the blender, and it all looks good going in. I am the red, my wife is the blue. We are layered one on top of the other. S is then yellow, and D would be... green? Ok, anyway, they are also layered on top of L and me. Then comes the ice. And then the lid. We are all beginning to mix and meld together.

Then someone pushes the button to "ice crusher." This crushes my heart.

Then they hit the stop button, which stops my heart and lets me look around and assess the damage. Since it's not all that bad, I decide to keep going on. I mean, we are all still kinda layered.

Then someone pushes the puree button. :rolleyes: This totally ruins my heart and mixes me up even worse than I ever was before. We are totally mixed up and meshed together.

But we get a rest while someone takes note of how pretty and nice we all look together, but then decides to hit the button again. UGGH! I'm beginning to feel sick now. So the powers that be hit the button again, and I'm sick of it all and want out of the blender.

Some people get into the blender and make a margarita. Others, like me, get into it and make the most disgusting mixed concoction you could ever dream of. :(
 
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