BDSM discussion

Yes, he bought me a TENS unit. Used it the other night. Unfortunately, the site used was too badly in need of it for me to get much enjoyment out of it, but we are learning as we go.
 
phoenix762 said:
Your bf got you a TENS unit? Don't you have to be a medical person to get something like that?
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No, you do not have to be medical personal to buy one. I have one, they are usually sold as personal electronic muscle stimulators, but it's the same thing.
 
quote from a website...

The major differences in the two life styles, D/S and B/D, is that of pain and humiliation. In the D/S lifestyle control by use of pain or humiliation rarely occurs. The control is relinquished by the submissive one willingly to the Dominant one. The Dominant one controls by voice and minor punishment. In the B/D scene the punishment is more severe and pain and humiliation is more a part of the ongoing relationship and incorporated in scenes or sessions on a regular basis. Punishment is given for misdeeds or failure to obey, warmth is given for obeying. One must remember this is a game of love, and that love must be shown at all times, even during the act of punishment.

from www.albanypowerexchange.com
 
I wasn't sure where else to post this. Somehow this seemed like the best place. I've been thinking quite a bit about kink, and the things I am coming up with in my head are kind of scaring me a bit. I've always had quite a vanilla sex life, where I didn't even really fantasize all that much, and all of a sudden, I have all of these things coming into my head. It's almost like I'm peeking into another world. I'm afraid that I'll change in some way and become someone else. Logically I know that's ridiculous.

After sitting with my thoughts for a few days, I realized that this was why I was feeling out of sorts after the camping trip. It seems so silly, because what I was involved in on the camping trip was really very minor. But I didn't think it would get to me at an emotional level. Is this normal? (Strangely enough, it kind of feels like being 13 again and wondering if all the development stuff you're going through is normal.)

-Derby
 
Derbylicious said:
It seems so silly, because what I was involved in on the camping trip was really very minor. But I didn't think it would get to me at an emotional level. Is this normal?
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First thing, minor is all about perspective. It wasn't minor to you, obviously. There is an emotional aspect to all of this. What you are feeling is 100% normal in this self discovery.

Congrats, and welcome to the other side. :D We call it chocolate. (OK, some of us do.)
 
Completely normal, sweets. It is very emotional stuff. Perhaps some aftercare would've been in order for you after our photo shoot. It didn't occur to me at all! I guess next time maybe we should debrief and check in. I forget sometimes that people may be uncomfortable and that they may not be aware that things could come up.

Wow, you are vanilla. *poke* *tease* I love that about you.

In any case, you are normal and it's all normal. As long as there is consent and an awareness that checking in after is important, our minds can wander, and of course our desire, but that is healthy and makes us vital (provided there is no abuse or children involved, of course).

All this stuff does change people. As for me, I check it all at the door, most of the time, as I can be quite over the top and sadistic. I laugh at myself now, instead of living in fear of myself. This took years, however! You are just beginning. Be patient with yourself and ask for what you need. I'm glad to see you are communicating, even if you are unsure about doing so. Nothing should be left. I'm glad to hear you aren't leaving things in an uncomfortable spot within yourself. *hugs*
 
redpepper said:
Completely normal, sweets. :) it is very emotional stuff. Perhaps some after care would of been in order for you after our photo shoot. It hadn't of occurred to me at all! I guess next time maybe we should debrief and check in? I forget sometimes that people may be uncomfortable and that they may not be aware that things could come up.

In any case, you are normal and its all normal.

I'm glad to hear you aren't leaving things in an uncomfortable spot within yourself. *hugs*
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At the time, *I* didn't even know anything was up. I needed that time alone to figure out what was going on for me (which is why I asked to go for coffee when I did). At least next time I'll be aware that it can be emotional, although I still might need some time to figure out exactly what I'm feeling and how to express it. I process slowly sometimes.

I'm glad we had this camping trip though, rather than just going to an event right off. What I can handle and what I think I can handle are apparently two different things. I would have thought I was all good to go with whatever happened at the event, and I think I might have been much more of a basket case. lol

You are a wise woman to tell me that I should move at my own pace. This isn't a competition. (I have to tell myself that a lot).
 
Derby, THIS IS NOT A COMPETITION! This is your journey. There is no getting it done better, or going faster, or achieving the highest goal with BDSM, although some think it is. I would argue with them on that point, as it creates pressure and pushes when its not appropriate to push. I struggle with that and it's a large part of why I don't get to know or play with many others.

It's a journey of self-discovery, what turns your crank at the time and what can be done with that, connecting to something very raw and primal in oneself and owning it for oneself, discovery of oneself and others, and creativity.

You know how it felt when you made that little sewn man for me? All pensive, creative, full-on wonder and thrill? That is the feeling to aim for. That is the root of it, I think.

Of course, there is a voyeuristic part, but that is about image rather than the core of the beast, I think. It's fun, but the tip of potential, in my experience. The really good play I have had has not been about dress-up or who ties ropes the best, but what goes on in my/others head and the experience with others.

Our friend is on the verge of that. She asked me to be her mistress, as she trusts women more. She likes to dress up, but I explained to her that I would push her beyond that. She agreed because she is ready for that. We shall see if she really is. It's part of what she wants to accomplish she has discovered as for her image is everything. You will discover what it means to you also, I suspect; and if not, then as your signature says, "It's not over yet."
 
BDSM is a VERY poetic deep love

I am a "BDSM master" speaking from 26 years of experience in this field.
BDSM was the "classroom" where I learned WHAT is a woman.
BDSM was the "classroom" where I learned full respect for a woman.

It is NOT simple to be good in this field

  • Either you are too slow
  • Or you are too fast
  • Either you are on a wrong path
  • Or you are simply boring or disgusting


The main tool seems to be "love her a lot, as she is" PLUS "transform her in a better woman." It means that you must be totally concerned about "what kind of musical instrument she is," and "what kind of music she may play."

I discovered that I spend a lot of time "feeling her." So I respect her MORE.
 
Pain is not about sex

Last night Redpepper, Derbylicious and I went to a BDSM event. It was public so there wasn't the open sexuality that creeps me out so much. LOL!

Redpepper worked me pretty hard and I have the marks to show for it. So why do I do it? Yes, we incorporate BDSM in our sex, but why do I take the pain? At first it was curiosity. I then found it was a great way to feel hard physical impact that I have been without since pretty severely injuring myself fighting a few years ago. I enjoy taking damage in the sense of being hurt, but not injured.

Last night, Redpepper thought I was losing interest in being dominated by her. Not the case! I admit I do not "play the game" of the SM culture, for the most part. I don't involve myself with others, or go to online sites like Fetlife. I am in it for me and her...full stop. No one else touches me and I touch no one else. There is no desire to. But why do I take the pain when I know there is no chance of sex to follow at public events? Because the pain serves its own purpose that is not sexual in nature. The bonding that occurs during play does lead to sex, but not the actual act of taking punishment. They have great devices to administer that pain.

Just before going to the event, I was showing Derby pictures of myself a few years ago. In those picture were ones of my daughter and a whole other life that I destroyed before I knew myself. I was flooded with guilt and remorse. Guilt is nothing new to me. It literally flows through my veins and all the happiness that RP and my chosen family bring to me floats on a sea of it. I am accustomed to it, but I would eventually like to leave it behind, or at least not sink into it any deeper.

So when I was strapped completely helpless against the rack, tied, exposed and blindfolded, I found new and deeper purpose to submit to my Mistress. I repeated over and over "pain will take the guilt away." Ironically, I'm Catholic, and aware of the concept of flagellation. I felt drained and a little numb after an hour. She thought something was wrong, but she had in fact done a great job.

Yeah, I'm a crappy sub, headstrong and ready to snub other would-be "Doms" who think that because I wear a leash at events they have any dominance over me. But I hold meaning in what we do and respect what it means to her, as well.
 
Mon, I think that is an awesome gift of sharing you just posted. Thank you for sharing. That's an awesome explanation.

I'm not Catholic (probably good, I'd make a terrible Catholic). HOWEVER, I totally get your explanation about the underlying guilt and the way the pain seems to help dull it some.
 
LovingRadiance said:
That is an awesome gift of sharing you just posted. Thank you for sharing.
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You're welcome, LR. I sometimes think that our friends think it is just foreplay for us. It is way beyond getting turned on, but that happens too apparently. Right, RP?

Maybe that is why I get touchy when I think people just want to get their rocks off by having their ass smacked by RP. Maybe I just take everything too seriously, but for me it is special.
 
It's very serious, Mono. I take it very seriously. I also take people's requests very seriously. I played with our friend last night also, and although others asked, I knew she had asked for the right reasons. She and I have talked at length about what it would mean to her, and she knows I don't do it for show or for control. I do it for my own release as much as for the one I play with. I derive huge pleasure from knowing that I am giving an out for those I play with.

In the case of my friend, I knew she would not allow things to continue if she felt she was being used in some way, or felt she wasn't getting out of it what she wanted. She would stop the play. I know she would by the fact that she has with other people in a recreational sex way.

With you, Mono, there is huge understanding. I can read you, and you me. I keep at you with questions if I think there is something up. We rely on each other to keep each other safe. Our D/s is a truly balanced relationship. You are the best subby ever. No doubt about it.

I don't go to events to be watched, although I know I am. I go to use the equipment and see friends. I like to dress up, don't get me wrong, but when it comes down to business I am gone, lost in the moment, whatever the terminology is. I don't keep track of what words I am supposed to use. I find the terminology restrictive. Last night was no different.

I was disturbed last night as I watched those engaged in their displays of dominance and submission. A lot of people were keen on the drama of it all and liked to be watched. Others were there to either find a dom or find a sub. A select few were there to actually engage in a power exchange that was balanced.

I noticed almost every time a dom seemingly pushing a sub farther than I could see they wanted to be pushed. As I watched last night, I noticed a sub agreeing to more of a beating because she seemed to want to be agreeable, something I would do all too often in the past when I subbed. I used to do this with sex also. I know the look, and I know the look of the one asking for more.

My friends I was with said, "No, she is in subspace." I disagreed. If she was in subspace then she would have a lost look in her eyes, not complete terror, resignation and then vacancy, in that order. The dom didn't notice, as he was just way too thrilled to be allowed to beat her more. Yes, she agreed, so why wouldn't he? he had only met her though. How would he know the subtleties she presented?

Like sex, I think I am just as much an advocate for not playing until one knows one's play partner, and then keeping full tabs on them until being completely sure they are okay. BAH! When does it end? I ended up looking away. Completely triggered and self talking that it had nothing to do with me. Maybe avoiding looking should be my vow from now on. That would be like a hockey player vowing not to watch a hockey game right in front of them if they were at an arena! I vowed to be the best damned dom ever, instead. All my own learning. All my own journey. Nothing to do with anyone else.
 
redpepper said:
It's very serious, Mono. I take it very seriously. I also take peoples requests very seriously also. I played with our friend last night also and although others asked I knew she had asked for the right reasons. Her and I have talked at length about what it would mean to her and she knows I don't do it for show or for control. I do it for my own release as much as the one I play with. I derive huge pleasure from knowing that I am giving an out for those I play with.

I don't go to events to be watched. I go to use the equipment and see friends. I like to dress up, but when it comes down to business I am gone, lost in the moment. I don't keep track of what words I am suppose to use. I find the terminology restrictive.
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Even being brand new to the whole thing this weekend, I noticed a real difference in the way you were out there compared to others. Although I couldn't hear what you were talking about to Mono and our friend, I did notice that you were THERE with them. A lot of the other things I saw were more about people being there for themselves, with a prop of another person. There were others who were also WITH each other, but I think they were in the minority.

Perhaps it's because it is a public thing. I imagine a lot of people go for the exhibitionism aspect of it. Each to their own. Although I have been to events elsewhere before, I hadn't paid attention to what people were doing and how they were interacting with each other. I am learning that there is a wide range of what BDSM can mean to people. I'm not sure if that makes it more or less confusing!

-Derby
 
MonoVCPHG said:
I sometimes think that our friends think it is just foreplay for us. It is way beyond getting turned on. Maybe that is why I get touchy when I think people just want to get their rocks off by having their ass smacked by RP. Maybe I just take everything too seriously, but for me it is special.
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Too seriously, huh? I think it's a pretty serious thing. I already saw that RP wrote that in her first line, but I haven't read her whole reply YET. There are things I will do for/with Maca that I simply won't do for/with anyone else, including GG. It's VERY serious and a VERY big deal to me.

I struggled the first few months, as we were ironing out "boundaries" in regards to our D/s relationship, with the idea that He might want to do those things with someone else. And when I say struggled, you can read "WENT APESHIT", because generally I don't consider it a "struggle" if I am able to resolve the issue internally on my own. Just the THOUGHT of Him doing those things with anyone else left me feeling like He wasn't taking the fact that I did those things with Him as seriously as I was taking it.

It's been 9 months or so since we started discussing the whole topic of BDSM- D/s and a lot of the details have been ironed out. One of those things is that I've reached a point inside where I'm ok with Him doing certain BDSM ACTS with others. Some are MINOR, like our friend Midnightsun; she's a natural sub with no Dom. He often will speak to her the same way He does me if the three of us are together, i.e., giving instructions rather than asking for something, and I imagine also when I'm not there, and it makes her feel good about herself, because she can naturally "succeed" in that environment. That doesn't bother me; to a large degree the reason is that is that both He and she understand that this behavior doesn't mean He is "her Dom," and both of them participate in it naturally-- it's not a "planned scene." (sorry if that is confusing)

Some are more significant, like fisting. There isn't ANYTHING about that activity that I am interested or willing to participate in. Period. I'm not and I'm not going to be. So if He opts to do that activity with someone else, more power to them.

I don't have an issue with the idea of Him taking another sub (at some point) anymore, either, but not because any of my concerns went away, or were resolved. The reason that changed is because we talked in depth, and He agreed that in order for that to happen He would need that person to be as significant to Him as I am. Meaning that it wouldn't be some random "Oh she's cute and she's submissive"; but someone who He had created a deep, meaningful, long-term relationship with.

Ok, I think that's more "personal info" then I've shared around here for awhile!
 
redpepper said:
I was disturbed last night as I watched those engaged in their displays of dominance and submission. A lot of people were keen on the drama of it all and liked to be watched. Others were there to either find a dom or find a sub. A select few were there to actually engage in a power exchange that was balanced.

I notice almost every time a dom seemingly pushing a sub farther than I can see they want to be pushed... As I watched last night I noticed a sub agreeing to more of a beating because she seemed to want to be agreeable. Something I would do all too often in the past when I subbed. I used to do this with sex also, I know the look and I know the look of the one asking for more.

My friends I were with said, "no she is in sub space." I disagreed. If she was in sub space then she would have a lost look in her eyes, not complete terror, resignation and then vacancy, in that order. The dom didn't notice as he was just way too thrilled to be allowed to beat her more. Yes, she agreed, so why wouldn't he... he had only met her though, how would he know the subtleties she presented?
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RP, I think you described that OH SO WELL.

We're still working out what is or what is not agreeable in our dynamic, because so much is unknown territory. We will talk about a new thing to decide if it's even optional to try. But sometimes, once we are "there," something inside snaps, and I can't even give my safeword, because the terror takes over my brain. Maca has been exemplary about watching, REALLY watching my face, so that if that happens He can stop, get me into my "safe place" (don't know what else to call it, but there is a particular position that He often holds me in that just feels SAFER than anything else in life) until I am ok again.

I can't IMAGINE even CONSIDERING allowing someone else to TRY those things with me. What the hell happens if I freak the hell out and they DON'T KNOW ME well enough to see that I can't find the way to express a need for help?

It's like a parent who can't swim taking their child to the pool and letting the child "try to learn to swim." EEK! How do you know when they are flailing playfully versus flailing in panic? It looks quite similar! You really gotta know your kid. Sorry if that was a weird comparison, but I have a paranoia about drowning, so the emotions are similar for me.
 
I'm in a big rush right now, but I wanted to tell you guys what a big deal these last few posts have been for me. Thank you for sharing; they're very important to me. I'll come back later and expand on that.
 
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