Children and Polyamory: Merged Threads, General Discussion
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Lemondrop
New member
I love this thread and think it's worth bumping.
Also, early on in this thread I had mentioned that I was in a quad situation and three of our children were attending school together, and someone asked me to keep them updated. Well, a year later (I'm sorry!)...
The school year went fine. The teachers were notoriously unable to tell who was whose mother, and so just grabbed whoever they found roaming the hallways. Because of this, I volunteered in a classroom that didn't belong to me. I was asked to sign documents for a child that wasn't mine (I respectfully declined this), and was constantly given updates on children who didn't biologically belong to me.
At one point, Asha was out of town, and her children's teachers expressed surprise that I had come home early. (Really sad when you consider that Asha is a blond and I'd been dying my hair red.)
We attended school events together as a family, and at no point was there any question about who belonged to whom, nor were there any raised eyebrows over Easy having his arm around Asha, or me hanging out and talking to Sunday every morning. Of course, we didn't do anything lascivious, but who would? I don't behave that way with Easy, either.
Overall, our families were intertwined all year with no real comments from the teachers. I had a teacher ask me two or three times if Asha and I were sisters, to which I just replied, "Our families are very close," or, "We're very close friends." No one ever asked more than that.
Funny thing is, my Monkey is going to a different school this year. I went with Asha to pick up her kids a couple of weeks ago. At one point, I ran into one of the teachers who couldn't figure out who I was last year, and she *still* thought I was Asha. She even hugged me, and frankly, I don't think we've even been introduced.
Another funny moment-- Asha and I were in the same homeschool co-op for years, TOGETHER. Yesterday, she had my Moose at a store and ran into another co-op member, who thought she was me and proceeded to ask her lots of questions about Moose and his school. We rarely bother to set people straight. Sometimes it's just like having another you to step into your shoes and allow you to be in two places at once.
Also, early on in this thread I had mentioned that I was in a quad situation and three of our children were attending school together, and someone asked me to keep them updated. Well, a year later (I'm sorry!)...
The school year went fine. The teachers were notoriously unable to tell who was whose mother, and so just grabbed whoever they found roaming the hallways. Because of this, I volunteered in a classroom that didn't belong to me. I was asked to sign documents for a child that wasn't mine (I respectfully declined this), and was constantly given updates on children who didn't biologically belong to me.
At one point, Asha was out of town, and her children's teachers expressed surprise that I had come home early. (Really sad when you consider that Asha is a blond and I'd been dying my hair red.)
We attended school events together as a family, and at no point was there any question about who belonged to whom, nor were there any raised eyebrows over Easy having his arm around Asha, or me hanging out and talking to Sunday every morning. Of course, we didn't do anything lascivious, but who would? I don't behave that way with Easy, either.
Overall, our families were intertwined all year with no real comments from the teachers. I had a teacher ask me two or three times if Asha and I were sisters, to which I just replied, "Our families are very close," or, "We're very close friends." No one ever asked more than that.
Funny thing is, my Monkey is going to a different school this year. I went with Asha to pick up her kids a couple of weeks ago. At one point, I ran into one of the teachers who couldn't figure out who I was last year, and she *still* thought I was Asha. She even hugged me, and frankly, I don't think we've even been introduced.
Another funny moment-- Asha and I were in the same homeschool co-op for years, TOGETHER. Yesterday, she had my Moose at a store and ran into another co-op member, who thought she was me and proceeded to ask her lots of questions about Moose and his school. We rarely bother to set people straight. Sometimes it's just like having another you to step into your shoes and allow you to be in two places at once.
inlovewith2
New member
That's something, Lemondrop! I've been reading this thread with interest, because DW and I are heavily considering coming out to our kids. They are 9, 7, and 4 and have met DW's girlfriend.
I'll post questions later, but we are off to the track. I'm glad it went well for you, Lemondrop, and that you don't get flustered by the mistaken identities.
I'll post questions later, but we are off to the track. I'm glad it went well for you, Lemondrop, and that you don't get flustered by the mistaken identities.
MonoVCPHG
New member
Redpepper's son was five when we met, so over the last two years he has kind of just grown into having me in his family. He knows we all love each other, so it's natural for him now. I think the only way it would seem unnatural is if someone were to tell him that, or he felt teased or judged.
Another friend of ours just came out to his teenage daughters. They simply told him "Whatever, as long as it doesn't affect our lives." He was disappointed that they didn't want to talk about it more, or discuss alternate ways of having relationships. He is relieved to be out, though, and feels it was a positive move.
Children in a polyamorous relationship
My wife and I are in a relationship with another couple for about a year now. To strengthen our bonds further, the other couple have suggested that we have a child each from the opposite spouse, followed by a child from our own wives. We have no kids now. We are in our thirties.
Do you think this is a great suggestion and a safe one too? What could be the possible implications?
Thank you,
Alexi
My wife and I are in a relationship with another couple for about a year now. To strengthen our bonds further, the other couple have suggested that we have a child each from the opposite spouse, followed by a child from our own wives. We have no kids now. We are in our thirties.
Do you think this is a great suggestion and a safe one too? What could be the possible implications?
Thank you,
Alexi
Mohegan
New member
At the moment my thoughts are:
Why?
Is a year really enough time to determine that you want to have children with these people?
Who will be the legal guardians?
How will you discuss things with the children?
What about when they are in school and have the others children on the playground asking questions?
I'm not against it, but I think there is a lot there for you all to discuss and think about. A lot of good and bad can come from this. It all needs to be considered before making such a decision.
My biggest concern is, why from the other partner first? I'm 27, my husband is 29, we've been together 8 yrs, married almost 5, and we have no children. When the time comes for that, I want to have my husband's child.
It's a big step all around. I wish you luck in that decision, but for your sake and that of the kids, don't make it lightly.
Why?
Is a year really enough time to determine that you want to have children with these people?
Who will be the legal guardians?
How will you discuss things with the children?
What about when they are in school and have the others children on the playground asking questions?
I'm not against it, but I think there is a lot there for you all to discuss and think about. A lot of good and bad can come from this. It all needs to be considered before making such a decision.
My biggest concern is, why from the other partner first? I'm 27, my husband is 29, we've been together 8 yrs, married almost 5, and we have no children. When the time comes for that, I want to have my husband's child.
It's a big step all around. I wish you luck in that decision, but for your sake and that of the kids, don't make it lightly.
Mohegan
New member
Yeah, if you're against it, then it should be an easy decision.
Don't place anyone in a situation that they aren't sure of, especially children.
I am really one who advocates for a healthy home for children. If anyone has issues with this, it will not be healthy for the children.
Smooth things over with the couple, simply by saying, "We aren't ready, and when we are, we'd like our first child (or all, depending) to be ours. We are happy with this relationship, but this is a step we aren't ready for."
How would you handle it if you weren't married, and someone you were dating for a year said, "I want you to parent my child"? Personally, I'd run, but that's me.
I question why they would even bring this up.
Don't place anyone in a situation that they aren't sure of, especially children.
I am really one who advocates for a healthy home for children. If anyone has issues with this, it will not be healthy for the children.
Smooth things over with the couple, simply by saying, "We aren't ready, and when we are, we'd like our first child (or all, depending) to be ours. We are happy with this relationship, but this is a step we aren't ready for."
How would you handle it if you weren't married, and someone you were dating for a year said, "I want you to parent my child"? Personally, I'd run, but that's me.
I question why they would even bring this up.
His idea was that his proposal would strengthen our bonds as intimate couples for a long time. I now wonder if he was really serious.
The wives are non-committal.
He has good looks and claims he had earlier fathered a cute baby girl for a childless couple about 3 yrs ago.
Alexi
The wives are non-committal.
He has good looks and claims he had earlier fathered a cute baby girl for a childless couple about 3 yrs ago.
Alexi
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I think that is one doozy of a wrong reason to create a human being (or two, if the second thing is also one of his "reasons"). It sounds like this guy bases his masculinity and self-worth on how many eggs his sperm can fertilize.
[cue ass-whooping for being "judgmental" - see signature]
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redpepper
Active member
Wow, it seems to him that kids are pawns for creating a stronger bond. Well, he is right. It will be stronger, because it will be all about the kids, the moment someone gets pregnant. It will be for the rest of the lives of whoever creates the child. If he thinks that it will be all about cute cuddly babies that one can gaze at and coo at, and then get about being intimate with one's partner, then all I have to say is HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! Yeah, right. It so doesn't happen like that.
You know how they say to new parents that they have a "bundle of joy?" Well, it's bullshit. Babies/children are demanding, self-centered and loud. They consume your entire brain because you have to think about schedules, feeding, changes, clothing, schools, dynamics with parents, grandparents, other children... It goes on forever...They are not bundles of joy. Maybe, if at the end of the day, when everything is done for them and them only, you get a fleeting moment of, "Oh yeah, I love them," if you are lucky. Otherwise there is a ton of resentment and exhaustion. Yet, miraculously, you keep going!
So... yeah. Do I think its a good idea? Absolutely not, unless you want your entire dynamic to change and the huge possibility of your quad to fold.
Really, I think this guy has some unresolved issues around the loss of his child. I say loss, because he fathered a child that he never got to raise. It seems to have affected him. Why? Because it's human nature to be affected when our genes are involved. Again, babies are not pawns for us to push around and think they are cute. They are human beings. They are new life. That fact should never be taken lightly if we are to have a healthy future generation. It should never be taken lightly to think it doesn't affect us, even if we don't raise them.
I'm sorry if I sound condescending, but I find it very frustrating that people don't remember that they were children too, once upon a time, and that they also had a childhood that affected who they are as adults. How is it that they don't see that they would create a child that didn't ask to be born, that will also have a childhood? Wouldn't they want to have the best for them? The least amount of trauma, the most love, support, stability and best chance at a future? After all, they will be around for the rest of your life! They never ever go away. You can't get rid of them once they are here. It's a HUGE decision, and should never be done to create any amount of closeness to a partner or anyone. It just doesn't happen like that.
You know how they say to new parents that they have a "bundle of joy?" Well, it's bullshit. Babies/children are demanding, self-centered and loud. They consume your entire brain because you have to think about schedules, feeding, changes, clothing, schools, dynamics with parents, grandparents, other children... It goes on forever...They are not bundles of joy. Maybe, if at the end of the day, when everything is done for them and them only, you get a fleeting moment of, "Oh yeah, I love them," if you are lucky. Otherwise there is a ton of resentment and exhaustion. Yet, miraculously, you keep going!
So... yeah. Do I think its a good idea? Absolutely not, unless you want your entire dynamic to change and the huge possibility of your quad to fold.
Really, I think this guy has some unresolved issues around the loss of his child. I say loss, because he fathered a child that he never got to raise. It seems to have affected him. Why? Because it's human nature to be affected when our genes are involved. Again, babies are not pawns for us to push around and think they are cute. They are human beings. They are new life. That fact should never be taken lightly if we are to have a healthy future generation. It should never be taken lightly to think it doesn't affect us, even if we don't raise them.
I'm sorry if I sound condescending, but I find it very frustrating that people don't remember that they were children too, once upon a time, and that they also had a childhood that affected who they are as adults. How is it that they don't see that they would create a child that didn't ask to be born, that will also have a childhood? Wouldn't they want to have the best for them? The least amount of trauma, the most love, support, stability and best chance at a future? After all, they will be around for the rest of your life! They never ever go away. You can't get rid of them once they are here. It's a HUGE decision, and should never be done to create any amount of closeness to a partner or anyone. It just doesn't happen like that.
Derbylicious
New member
Also, what about the adults? What if you find that someone isn't fertile? It's hard enough not being able to conceive when everyone around you seems to be having babies. I can't imagine adding to that the pressure of having to balance out the babies so that everyone has their genetics evenly dispersed. It just seems like a really bad plan. Babies should be brought into the world because THEY are wanted, not because it will make the relationship stronger. There are plenty of mono couples who do the same thing to save a relationship. Guess what? It doesn't work. If you have stress, or things aren't great as they are, having kids just makes it worse!
I think it's a bad idea. It seems like it's using kids to have some kind of concrete bond between you guys, but it completely ignores said kid in the process.
Are you all living together? If you were, then I would understand something along the line of "Let's stop using birth control, and whoever gets pregnant, we'll raise the kid together and consider each of us a parent." And, of course, in a case like that, you might not even know who is the father, or care, for that matter.
Still, if you don't live together, where would the kid live? Would each kid live with their mom and be raised by the non-biological father, with biological ties to the other?
It all sounds very messy. I would say, if you want a strong bond, try something that won't involve someone else for the entirety of their lives. If you don't live together, think about moving in together, for instance. Or, I don't know, make joint purchases. Something that binds you together but if things go wrong, will only be a mess for the four of you, without catching kids in the middle of it.
And, since you don't feel that it's a good idea, then definitely don't do it. Any child should ideally be planned and really wanted, because it's hard enough when it's a child you seriously want-- it's all the harder if you're not into the idea. And you certainly don't want to regret having a kid; that would suck for everyone involved.
I can see an idea like this one work in a completely different situation, but I don't think you've been together long enough to be sure you're past the NRE and in the right mind to raise kids.
Also, I would suggest not having two at once (seems like the plan was for both women to be pregnant, then later both of them to be pregnant again, each time at the same time). I'd say if you're lucky enough to have more people to take care of kids, don't "ruin" that advantage by having more kids simultaneously. You might find that four people for one kid might already be hard on all of you.
Are you all living together? If you were, then I would understand something along the line of "Let's stop using birth control, and whoever gets pregnant, we'll raise the kid together and consider each of us a parent." And, of course, in a case like that, you might not even know who is the father, or care, for that matter.
Still, if you don't live together, where would the kid live? Would each kid live with their mom and be raised by the non-biological father, with biological ties to the other?
It all sounds very messy. I would say, if you want a strong bond, try something that won't involve someone else for the entirety of their lives. If you don't live together, think about moving in together, for instance. Or, I don't know, make joint purchases. Something that binds you together but if things go wrong, will only be a mess for the four of you, without catching kids in the middle of it.
And, since you don't feel that it's a good idea, then definitely don't do it. Any child should ideally be planned and really wanted, because it's hard enough when it's a child you seriously want-- it's all the harder if you're not into the idea. And you certainly don't want to regret having a kid; that would suck for everyone involved.
I can see an idea like this one work in a completely different situation, but I don't think you've been together long enough to be sure you're past the NRE and in the right mind to raise kids.
Also, I would suggest not having two at once (seems like the plan was for both women to be pregnant, then later both of them to be pregnant again, each time at the same time). I'd say if you're lucky enough to have more people to take care of kids, don't "ruin" that advantage by having more kids simultaneously. You might find that four people for one kid might already be hard on all of you.
GroundedSpirit
New member
I'm sorry, but I feel like puking. A child is a living creature/human being! They are not tools for others to use to manipulate their own personal lives and agendas. Now, beyond the pure disgust, the future is uncertain enough for any family to think long and hard about what raising a child involves in the way of sacrifice. I just can not fathom this. I'm sorry.
GS
Livingmybestlife
Member
I have to second what Redpepper said. I think it would also cause awkwardness in living arrangements. It would be hard, I would think, on the father of the child not to want to be with it, especially the first one.
I was very very lucky. My child was a very easy baby. Didn't cry unless it was pooping. My child might cry with others, but as long as I was holding my child, no crying.
I was very very lucky. My child was a very easy baby. Didn't cry unless it was pooping. My child might cry with others, but as long as I was holding my child, no crying.
geminigirl
New member
This is a risky proposition, on many levels.
1. Legal: depending on where you live, you run the risk of ostracizing your families, your children and your community to outright losing legal custody of your children. Please check the family law in your country or state before even thinking about getting pregnant.
2. Emotional: Adults have feelings and, more importantly, children have feelings. Adults may well decide to part ways and if parenthood is mingled, children will suffer due to separation. Please remember that as adults, we can choose whether or not to have kids but kids don't get to choose what family they're born into. Making a solid commitment to create a loving home for children is a serious business, ethically and, in many places, legally.
3. Financial: if you split up, who will support the kids?
4. Practical: if you split up, where will the kids live? Who will take care of them?
As a single and successfully poly mother of two kids, I'm not just talking out of my a** here. Please do some serious research before you commit to caring for dependent human beings for 18 years or more!
1. Legal: depending on where you live, you run the risk of ostracizing your families, your children and your community to outright losing legal custody of your children. Please check the family law in your country or state before even thinking about getting pregnant.
2. Emotional: Adults have feelings and, more importantly, children have feelings. Adults may well decide to part ways and if parenthood is mingled, children will suffer due to separation. Please remember that as adults, we can choose whether or not to have kids but kids don't get to choose what family they're born into. Making a solid commitment to create a loving home for children is a serious business, ethically and, in many places, legally.
3. Financial: if you split up, who will support the kids?
4. Practical: if you split up, where will the kids live? Who will take care of them?
As a single and successfully poly mother of two kids, I'm not just talking out of my a** here. Please do some serious research before you commit to caring for dependent human beings for 18 years or more!
Poly with child(ren)
I am married and have a two year old. I live with my husband. The boyfriend is a couple hours away. Any poly people here who have kids? How does this work out for you?
I suppose when I initially found my husband's friend attractive, it was also considering the things that are missing from his life and, in a way, if he wanted (and I very much wanted him) to know the joy of being with children. He has never been married and has no children. Or do you see this as being a potential problem, since he is unaware of the demands of children, and has such a different lifestyle?
I am married and have a two year old. I live with my husband. The boyfriend is a couple hours away. Any poly people here who have kids? How does this work out for you?
I suppose when I initially found my husband's friend attractive, it was also considering the things that are missing from his life and, in a way, if he wanted (and I very much wanted him) to know the joy of being with children. He has never been married and has no children. Or do you see this as being a potential problem, since he is unaware of the demands of children, and has such a different lifestyle?