So I came on here two years ago. I had just learned about Poly and was going to give it a try. At the time all I knew was my wife was in love with two men. So I believed I googled that. Which brought me here. I did a small introductory post. Which Kevin so nicely replied. Thanks!. I do come here alot a read and soak in all the great advice.
So it's been a difficult 2 years for me. Here is a little backstory. I am in a closed V with my wife (C)being the hinge. Then we have D as her other male partner. So C and D meet online. At the time she had been in an emotional affair with him for about 2 months. D is from the UK. When I found out about the affair I was a bit set back. I had known about D, but under the false impression that he was only her AA sponsor. She also had a local guy she called her friend and a guy she texted a lot and called her friend also. Well after I found out about the affair. I had assumed it was the local guy. I had a long talk with my wife. She had told me she still loved me, but also had feelings for D. This led me to some strange feelings. I was not jealous of D, but of the other two. I really couldn't explain it. This is what brought me to learning about polyamory. It clicked and after another heart-to-heart with my floored wife that I was bringing this up. We decided to give it a try.
So she went to the UK to meet him. She had 7 trips in 2 years. Usually 3-6 weeks at a time. This was very difficult for me cause now I had to take care of the kids/household and be by myself. Yes, we video chatted twice a day, but as we know it’s just not the same as being with the person. He also came over here twice. Once he was stuck here due to the pandemic for nearly 8 weeks. We got along great. So we finally got D over here on a Student Visa this past Aug.
So before he came over here. C was with either me or D. except for the two times he visited. She managed it well. Since now D is over here living with us, it is strange. I’m not sure if it is a UK thing or a courtesy thing, but C and D only kiss or show any PDA when I’m not around. Or they will go to his bedroom to say good night where I can’t see them. I have come upon them twice kissing when they thought I was somewhere else. Now C and D have the whole house to themself for about 1-1 1/2 hours each day before the kids come home and another hour till I get home. Since D moved in my wife seems to be more distant from me. Like one night I went to hold her hand during watching TV and she called me Needy. This shocked me. Then another time I wanted to go to the book store with her and D and she Told both of us when will she ever get time alone, but I could tell it was directed at me. Cause she was only expecting to go with D. She also never tells D not to come.
Since D is always home when I’m home the only time I get alone with C is my nights with C. I have told her that I never get any alone time with her. This caused a big argument. That she does all this stuff with D and by the time I get home she’s too tired or the kid needs some event that I need to take them to. She downplayed how much alone time they had each week. Her not wanting to do anything with me, but going for coffee and errands with D before I get home. I got glimpses of my wife's love for me. But since D has been here, a lot of time I feel like I’m just a paycheck to support the house a bus driver and chef for the kids, and a means for D to be here. Most of her attention seems to be toward D.
D and I get along great. I try and include him in the things I do. I am at a loss though. Is this still just the transition phase of us just learning to live together. The one time I told her about the alone time, she accused me of being jealous and was worried about what would happen to D. I said this is not about D and I’m not jealous of him. I’m envious of all the alone time he gets. I told her once she calmed down, that I knew there would be a transition period where she would be spending more time with D to get him accustomed to living in the U.S. and with us. I just didn’t think it would be this hard two months in. It’s been better since that argument 3 weeks ago, But I still feel lonely and unappreciated a lot of the time in my own house.
C and I are supposed to go away this weekend to the beach. She and D went away for his birthday a month ago. So this is her way of making sure its balances. I hope her focus is on me and not her phone and chatting with D.
Any advice I can get from you guys would be great. Am I correct that we are still transitioning living together? That thing will balance out so to say with time.
So it's been a difficult 2 years for me. Here is a little backstory. I am in a closed V with my wife (C)being the hinge. Then we have D as her other male partner. So C and D meet online. At the time she had been in an emotional affair with him for about 2 months. D is from the UK. When I found out about the affair I was a bit set back. I had known about D, but under the false impression that he was only her AA sponsor. She also had a local guy she called her friend and a guy she texted a lot and called her friend also. Well after I found out about the affair. I had assumed it was the local guy. I had a long talk with my wife. She had told me she still loved me, but also had feelings for D. This led me to some strange feelings. I was not jealous of D, but of the other two. I really couldn't explain it. This is what brought me to learning about polyamory. It clicked and after another heart-to-heart with my floored wife that I was bringing this up. We decided to give it a try.
So she went to the UK to meet him. She had 7 trips in 2 years. Usually 3-6 weeks at a time. This was very difficult for me cause now I had to take care of the kids/household and be by myself. Yes, we video chatted twice a day, but as we know it’s just not the same as being with the person. He also came over here twice. Once he was stuck here due to the pandemic for nearly 8 weeks. We got along great. So we finally got D over here on a Student Visa this past Aug.
So before he came over here. C was with either me or D. except for the two times he visited. She managed it well. Since now D is over here living with us, it is strange. I’m not sure if it is a UK thing or a courtesy thing, but C and D only kiss or show any PDA when I’m not around. Or they will go to his bedroom to say good night where I can’t see them. I have come upon them twice kissing when they thought I was somewhere else. Now C and D have the whole house to themself for about 1-1 1/2 hours each day before the kids come home and another hour till I get home. Since D moved in my wife seems to be more distant from me. Like one night I went to hold her hand during watching TV and she called me Needy. This shocked me. Then another time I wanted to go to the book store with her and D and she Told both of us when will she ever get time alone, but I could tell it was directed at me. Cause she was only expecting to go with D. She also never tells D not to come.
Since D is always home when I’m home the only time I get alone with C is my nights with C. I have told her that I never get any alone time with her. This caused a big argument. That she does all this stuff with D and by the time I get home she’s too tired or the kid needs some event that I need to take them to. She downplayed how much alone time they had each week. Her not wanting to do anything with me, but going for coffee and errands with D before I get home. I got glimpses of my wife's love for me. But since D has been here, a lot of time I feel like I’m just a paycheck to support the house a bus driver and chef for the kids, and a means for D to be here. Most of her attention seems to be toward D.
D and I get along great. I try and include him in the things I do. I am at a loss though. Is this still just the transition phase of us just learning to live together. The one time I told her about the alone time, she accused me of being jealous and was worried about what would happen to D. I said this is not about D and I’m not jealous of him. I’m envious of all the alone time he gets. I told her once she calmed down, that I knew there would be a transition period where she would be spending more time with D to get him accustomed to living in the U.S. and with us. I just didn’t think it would be this hard two months in. It’s been better since that argument 3 weeks ago, But I still feel lonely and unappreciated a lot of the time in my own house.
C and I are supposed to go away this weekend to the beach. She and D went away for his birthday a month ago. So this is her way of making sure its balances. I hope her focus is on me and not her phone and chatting with D.
Any advice I can get from you guys would be great. Am I correct that we are still transitioning living together? That thing will balance out so to say with time.