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Roxygirl said:
I believe they have been open for like 23 years. Her husband doesn’t have partners. Her partner doesn’t either, I believe. She just has herpes. She says she’s never passed it over to any of her previous 19 partners.
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Does this mean she contracted it prior to marriage, or after they opened up?

I’m not sure if her claim would make me feel better, from a procedure and practices point of view, and worse from a statistical probability of transmission rates.
 
dingedheart said:
Does this mean she contracted it prior to marriage or after they opened up?

I’m not sure if her claim would make me feel better, from a procedure and practices point of view, and worse from a statistical probability of transmission rates.
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Ooh, good question. I’ll find out! What do you mean my statistics? Like, what statistics have you heard? They tell me the risk is super low…😕
 
Lots of people that have herpes contract it when they are very young from sharing drinks and slobbering all over their little friends. You know how indiscriminate little kids can be.

It is quite common for adults to be together for decades and the infected one never pass it to their partner, as long as the infected one is scrupulous about not having contact at the least indication she is developing an outbreak, and then taking precaution to medicate and wait until the lesion goes away to have contact again.
 
But for now I’m controlling and liar…since he got a weekend confused and said I had plans 2 days when it was only for one…and she then thought it was me sabotaging there meeting.
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Do you have an agreement with your husband that he only sees her when you have plans too?

This is the type of agreement that can cause conflict in polyamory as it does mean that their relationship is at the mercy of your plans, whether that was your original intention or not. It might also mean that if your plans fell through, he would be expected to cancel his. In either scenario, it may be why your metamour has made the accusation that you are being controlling. It's unfair to lobby this at you since your husband is just as responsible for any agreements, but it might be time to renegotiate your agreements so you do reduce the control each of you have over the other person's relationships.
 
Evie said:
Do you have an agreement with your husband that he only sees her when you have plans too? This is the type of agreement that can cause conflict in polyamory, as it does mean that their relationship is at the mercy of your plans, whether that was your original intention or not. It might also mean that if your plans fell through, he would be expected to cancel his. In either scenario, it may be why your metamour has made the accusation that you are being controlling. It's unfair to lob this at you, since your husband is just as responsible for any agreements, but it might be time to renegotiate your agreements so you do reduce the control each of you have over the other person's relationships.
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Well, we have now currently closed the relationship.

We had made plans prior to that. We would make sure that our scheduling was when we had time. If my plans fell through, it wouldn’t affect his plans.
 
How much tension and animosity did closing cause?
What was the motivation, or who was the driving force to opening the relationship?
 
Roxygirl said:
They have been open for like 23 years. Her husband doesn’t have partners and the partner doesn’t either. She just has herpes. She says she’s never passed it over to any of her previous 19 partners.
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Is she taking antiviral drugs? I read that helps reduce the risk. Regardless, I dated a woman who was infected when she was very young. She had several long term-partners after that and never infected any, including me (thankfully). So perhaps the risk here is minimal, especially if your husband uses condoms.
 
She does, but I don’t wanna take that chance. And you never know. She hasn’t infected anyone yet. He could be the one that gets it. But thank you for the comment.

Unfortunately, my husband and I are separated for a month cuz he doesn’t wanna close, and he still wants to be friends with this women who has influenced his attitude towards me for the worse.
 
Hi Roxygirl,

I'm so sorry you and your husband are separated right now. This woman seems to me like such a toxic person, and she is poisoning your relationship with your husband.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
 
kdt26417 said:
I'm so sorry you and your husband are separated right now. This woman seems to me like such a toxic person, and she is poisoning your relationship with your husband.
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Yeah. Our marriage counselor told him to stop talking to her, because it’s not beneficial to our closing. But he doesn’t see why he needs to. I’m leaving, hoping and praying he will see what it’s like with me being gone, and realizing he does love me and will do what’s needed to fix it, or he says, "I like this, and I don’t wanna close," and I can leave. Then I’ll be alone and have no one. Ahh... it sucks.
 
It's very sad that you are at the mercy of his whimsical preferences ... like if he feels no sympathy for you and wants to break up, there's nothing you can do to stop him. We can only hope that being separated from you, will help him appreciate the relationship he has with you, and that he will want to save that relationship even if it means doing as the open marriage counselor advised, and cutting off contact with that other woman.
 
I did figure out that part of what I’m feeling is that she had/has replaced me emotionally, but not physically. Like, if she had my body she would be his perfect match. Also, the way he talks to, defends and protects her from me, is what he USED to do for me to other people, and now he does it to me about her, as if I’m the “other people.“ Make sense?
 
Yes, that makes sense.
You are being displaced.
You are in Poly Hell.
 
kdt26417 said:
Yes, that makes sense.
You are being displaced.
You are in Poly Hell.
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Yes, I’ve read that article.

He just agreed to stop talking to her, but thinks that because I called the counselor in a hurry, to get the answers before Thursday, so I could have some sanity, it was a power play, because she agreed with me. But really, she had told him last week, but he only heard what he wanted, and that was wrong to me. He thinks he’s losing his friend, but it’s a friend that’s causing problems. To me, if he keeps talking to her, it means he doesn’t care how I feel.
 
How did your husband find this woman?

What kind of magical power does she hold? She’s got a spouse and 2 other guys and genital herpes. WTF? I don’t see that as being worth trashing a marriage, even without the downstairs herpes. Is he one of those guys that just doesn’t like to lose or take a loss, or be told what to do, or something? I'm pretty fucking sure there are a lot of other women out there that don’t have 3 other partners standing in line, and don’t have herpes. Why die on this hill?
 
On OKC.

They have a strong emotional bond and that’s what he doesn’t wanna give up. And no, she’s pretty much convinced him I’m controlling him cuz he has a hard time with his ADD and remembering stuff. So I have to remind him, or help with scheduling, and she thinks that me being controlling…lol

We are being monogamous. Maybe in the future we will open back up. But we have a lot to figure out how to be open before we can….
 
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