Should I put the breaks on

This all came up last week. I stated very clearly that the way they are now is as far as I was going to allow, or I would be out of it. She asked what that meant. I said if they tried to get more involved, meaning more time together, overnight stays, etc., that I would no longer give my consent. I would consider it unethical, and cheating, and I would leave. Maybe that was a bit harsh, but I think she needed to know.

As far as the three of us sitting down and talking, I think her gf wants to hear it from me, and not the third person, and I'm ok with that. If they are going to continue to have a relationship, I would like to have a better working relationship with her gf, as well. And if the three of us sit down and talk, no one can really hide their true feelings as you can when everyone isn't involved at the same time.
 
I don't think it is harsh. It is simply being clear where you draw the line for your limit of tolerance.

Your consent to participate in a mono-poly thing or not, as the mono partner, belongs to you. Things cross the line? It becomes intolerable for you? That's where you drop out. You have every right to do that. Nobody can force you to do stuff.

Making people aware of where that line is? Nothing wrong with that.

As far as the three of us sitting down and talking, I think her gf wants to hear it from me and not the third person. I'm ok with that. If they are going to continue to have a relationship, I would like to have a better working relationship with her gf, as well. And if the three of us sit down and talk, no one can really hide their true feelings as you can when everyone isn't involved at the same time.
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Ah, to avoid triangulation. That makes sense. Thank you for clarifying.

Yes, be totally upfront about where your limit is.
 
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RH_1982 said:
I stated very clearly that the way they are now is as far as I was going to allow, or I would be out of it. I said if they tried to get more involved, meaning more time together, overnight stays, etc., that I would no longer give my consent and it would then be unethical and therefore, cheating. And I would leave. Maybe that was a bit harsh, but I think she needed to know.
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Agreed. It's not harsh at all, perfectly reasonable. Someone needs to put the brakes on her ridiculous behavior. People will treat you the way you allow them to treat you. If you need better treatment, you have to stick up for yourself.
RH_1982 said:
As far as the three of us sitting down and talking, I think her gf wants to hear it from me and not third person, and I'm ok with that. If they are going to continue to have a relationship, I would like to have a better working relationship with her gf. as well. And if the three of us sit down and talk no one can really hide their true feelings, as you can when everyone isn't involved at the same time.
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And her gf can hear straight from you that if those two want deeper entanglement, that's fine, but that will mean your marriage will be over.
 
RH_1982 said:
I would like to think the three of us can sit down and come an understanding.
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With all the change and upheaval that you have endured, I think such a meeting would be the perfect time and place to announce that your marriage is fully open. The perfect time to remind people to treat others how you’d like to be treated.

How active or how decisive you are in exercising your option is up to you. I think sending this message sends a valuable signal that the landscape is shifting, and actions have reactions and consequences. It’s like Newton’s cradle.
 
I don't think RH wants an open marriage, though. I mean, I get what you are saying, but why ask for something you don't actually want?
 
I wouldn’t consider it an “ask.“ I’d structure it as an announcement. “THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR OPENING MY EYES TO THIS NEW WORLD 🎉😆…I’m in. I think this is going to be great."

Why? It goes to what Gala said about double standards, learning the other side of poly and how to conduct oneself. Also, realize there are real-world consequences with all this stuff. If she had some grandiose harem idea, thinking she could avoid difficult feelings, that quickly goes away. And lastly, just fundamental fairness.
 
We used to have a member who went through something like that. Wife dropped the poly bomb, he picked it up and ran with it. Wife was a little put out to say the least.
 
My wife would definitely be in the same boat. This will all come up at some point if she wants to continue in her current course. I will wait and see how our group conversation goes and then make a decision on how to proceed.
 
I don't think RH wants an open marriage, though. I mean, I get what you are saying, but why ask for something you don't actually want?
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If I don't want any in the first place, I'm gonna say "No, thanks. I don't want any."

If I'm gonna entertain it, then I want the same on both sides. I want consideration and fairness. I'm not up for being taken for granted. It's not really about dating other people, but the attitude approaching it, and a whole constellation of things around it.

If I were mono, I might not want to use that dating option on my side. But I want that choice left up to ME to flex, not have it be like I don't get the choice at all. Asking me to agree to a mono-poly situation where I don't get the option is asking me to accept "less than," and asking me to give up some of my voice/choice. Why would I do that?

People might argue, "But you already have your person." I'd argue back, "Then what's the big deal?" or "Yeah, but it doesn't have to be them forever." If that sounds shocking, why? Even in monogamous marriage I can divorce my spouse and move on to seek another. Why would it be different here? Oh... because they wanted to take me me for granted.

If there are kids, I'd better days off from parenting, too, whether I go out alone, with friends, or stay home to nap. It can't just be dumping the kids on me while the spouse goes out to date all the time.

If there are family budget changes, I better better get the same "date money" in my personal checking, too, even if I use it to go out by myself, or go out with my friends for Starbucks, or get a massage, rather than dating another person. Ditto new clothes, gym, and anything else along those lines. It's not gonna be, "Well, you aren't dating, so you don't need things like that."

Asking me to do mono-poly without me getting the same considerations on my side-- why on earth would I agree to do that? I'm not selfless and I'm not generous to a fault. I am not gonna ding myself. For what?
 
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Those are fair points, GalaGirl. I'd probably do the same. In fact, I did do the same. My wife wanted to open our marriage. I was always open to doing that, since my previous marriage was open. But she wasn't sure about at first. At the time, she had someone in mind. I wasn't really looking to date anyone else. So she did, and I didn't, but the option was there for me. So, I agree that it's an unfair arrangement, and that in itself may be a good reason to ask for this, even if you don't plan to use it.
 
If my wife is unable to commit herself to our original agreement, then that will need to be addressed. I'm still hopeful that she will understand this is not what we discussed, and will try to make some corrections. But if that is not the case, then we will need to renegotiate the terms of our new open marriage.
 
RH_1982 said:
We will need to renegotiate the terms of our new open marriage.
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Start there, anyway. Be upfront. Say, this is what you are doing. You may end up with exactly the same terms and that is okay.

ETA: Check out R.A.D.A.R. in the Multiamory podcast.
 
I think if my wife is unable to commit herself to our original agreement then that will need to be addressed. I'm still hopeful she will understand this is not what we discussed and will try to make some corrections. But if that is not the case, we will need to renegotiate the terms of our new open marriage.
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Yes. If she can't stick to the original agreement, renegotiate new terms. And this time, advocate for yourself and your own well-being more. It cannot be a double standard. Same options on both sides is fair, and each one uses the options how they want to... or not.

I know she doesn't like the idea of you dating and you might not even want to exercise the option right now. But having a skewed dynamic, just because she doesn't want to deal with doing some mental work to make fair space for you, is NOT ok.

Childcare, finances, and all the others things could be fair on both sides, even if you use the options differently, and she uses her date money to date her GF, and you use yours to hit the spa or throw a BBQ for your friends.
 
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