Do you like knowing what your partner likes about their other partner?

V

Vexxed

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I have a desire for my partner to tell me as much as she is willing about what she finds attractive and enjoys about her other boyfriend. I feel that this would help me to accept things for the way they are. I keep wondering and contemplating. I feel like I'm resisting, and that I would stop resisting and accept my place in her life if I knew more.

One other benefit that I think would occur is that if she were to reveal what she enjoys about him it would increase the intimacy between us. I'd like to be treated as a dear friend, and be given the chance to be excited for her as a friend would be. Instead, I feel that she tries to protect me by not telling me what she really thinks. I haven't approached her with this broad question yet. I feel that I've learned over time that this would help me. Nevertheless, she doesn't opt to tell me on her own. So, I feel that she tries to protect me by not telling me what she really thinks.

I know that I would feel some jealousy about the things that she would tell me, but I would like to try to face each issue and find a comfortable place of acceptance after I knew the facts.

Are you interested in knowing more about your partner's feelings for others? Do you agree with my reasoning on this?
 
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Definitely. I need to have a very firm hold on my partner's "love experience" with his SO. The more I know, the more comfortable I am. I have to say here that my partner's love insists on celibacy, so there is no big sexual experience to share. They cuddle, sunbathe naked, and she gives him naked massages, but she juggles many male friendships and remains essentially celibate.

Still, it is really important that I understand what makes it tick. Initially I even tried to be more like her, in the hope that if could give it to him he wouldn't need it elsewhere. Nice try, but no score. He is definitely in love with her and nothing I can do will change that. I don't know if I could cope if he tried to protect me from their relationship. As much as it still hurts sometimes, I would rather have that a million times than have it kept a secret, apart from me.
 
I want to be part of their relationship as much as possible. Yes, I like hearing about J from Ian, what he likes about her, etc. It can be physical, emotional, or an action. (He liked when she said/did X.) It makes me feel like I'm part of it, involved, trusted.

I wouldn't go and ask about it, though. I just very much enjoy when Raga just can't help but talk about how wonderful she is. I also like talking about my partners with each of them, so I'm assuming it's also good for him to be able to share.

I'd also like to talk about our common partner with my metamours, if I had any. It's a level of sharing. Being able to talk about how wonderful someone is with a person who feels the exact same way; share things you love about them; possibly discover differences in what aspects you like, etc. I'm looking very much forward to it.
 
I would like to point out that she doesn't keep the relationship totally secret from me. In fact, I live with her other boyfriend as a roommate. I see them for a few minutes when they have a date night.

I'm able to see her and see how into him she is, but she never talks about her attraction to him. She's been with him 2 years, and with me for 1. So, it's not NRE.
 
No, I don't feel the need. I don't need to know the whys and hows of my wife's bf, at all. He's a good guy, he treats her well. That's pretty much where my interest ends. I don't require specificity.

I think needing to know breeds potential jealousy or envy, and in turn, the potential for a partner to fudge to protect your feelings.

For the record, this is one area that I prefer discretion. I don't believe either of my partners should know everything about how we play, date or have fun. My relationship with Superjast gets as much privacy as my relationship with Pengrah, and I expect the same in return. It's our relationship, not everyone's. Releasing every detail of what's happening would cheapen it a bit for me. Primary or secondary, doesn't matter. Anyone getting involved with me would get this, and in turn, I would expect it.
 
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Ariakas said:
This is one area that I prefer discretion. I don't believe either of my relationships should know everything about how we play, date or have fun. My relationship with Superjast gets as much privacy as my relationship with Pengrah, and I expect the same in return. Its our relationship, not everyone's.
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I am with Ariakas here. Privacy is important, especially to my wife, who is the hinge in our V. At one stage, after we scrapped the no-contact rule, OHb and I were getting on great as friends, texting each other independently of my wife. But she started feeling that she was losing herself; each of us always knew where she was and what she was doing through the other partner. It drove her crazy. So she reimposed the no-contact rule.
 
vodkafan said:
I am with Ariakas here. Privacy is important, especially to my wife, who is the hinge in our V. At one stage after we scrapped the no-contact rule, OHb and I were getting on great as friends, texting each other independently of my wife. But she started feeling that she was losing herself; each of us always knew where she was and what she was doing through the other partner. It drove her crazy. So she reimposed the no-contact rule.
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I should say, I didn't mean to imply this. I enjoy SJ and Pengrah building a friendship, for example. It would be hard for me, personally, to maintain poly relationships with a pure no-contact rule. My point is more about privacy within the intimacy of the relationship itself (whether it be sexual, emotional or otherwise). If we can all be friends, fantastic.
 
I think this varies much between the individuals, relationships and personalities. For me, I absolutely want to know as much as possible, especially the good or exciting parts. I can easily drown in compersion, and the excitement can be contagious, much like your analogy of the best friend. But that's the type of relationship my mate and I have, and it fits both our personalities.

But I think not all relationships are like this. Some people seem to need that something they can claim as all theirs. I understand and respect that. We confront such issues directly, the rule being, if there's something you need to be sole owner of, just say so. Just say you really are uncomfortable sharing that. When I hear that, I let it go.

But before you can reach that level, the other person has to experiment with sharing SOME things, and have the chance to see that your compersion is indeed real. The more they see this, the more they are likely to share, as there's nothing like both being on the same cloud! Like both hitting winning scratch tickets.

Start small, with small things, and try to work towards the bigger things. Maybe you'll end up sharing it all like we do, or maybe you'll only share certain pieces. Whatever the case, celebrate what you share and respect what you don't, as long as it feels safe for everyone.

My thoughts, anyway.
GS
 
Ariakas said:
I should say, I didn't mean to imply this. I enjoy SJ and Pengrah building a friendship, for example. It would be hard for me, personally, to maintain a relationship with a pure no-contact rule. My point is more about privacy within the intimacy of the relationship itself (whether it be sexual, emotional, or otherwise). If we can all be friends, fantastic.
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Hi Ariakas,

I did get what you meant. It is the same for us. That's why I quoted you. I didn't mean to sound like I was misinterpreting.

In our V, OHb and I are friends. It was just this one particular week when it got a bit much for my wife. OHb phoned and texted several times every day, and didn't seem to mind which one of us he talked to. OHb and I had a sort of breakthrough between ourselves. I dunno, maybe it was a sort of small NRE effect. And my wife was like: "Hey, where am I in all this? I am supposed to be the important one!"

Everything is cool, though. She is very pleased that we are friends. We could so easily have been enemies.
 
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It`s quite simple for me-- everything in moderation. Sometimes a partner wants to know more, sometimes they don`t. Sometimes I want to share more, sometimes I don`t.

It`s important to ebb and flow with the natural mood of the relationship. There was a thread somewhere we talked about separating your feelings from your SPOUSE, as opposed to the same person who may also be your BEST FRIEND. Each side of ourselves handles things differently. I think it`s important to recognize that when discussing details.

As GS said, if you are the partner that doesn`t want to share, you can simply say 'I need to keep that aspect for myself right now.'

If you need to know more, then say it. Don`t pinpoint particular stories, if you can help it. Just ask your sweetie if there is something they CAN feel good sharing openly with you. From there, comfort can get a foothold, and maybe it will get easier and progress.

Give a little. Take a little. Love lots.
 
Ariakas said:
No, I don't feel the need. I don't need to know the whys and hows of my wife's bf at all. He's a good guy. He treats her well. That's pretty much where my interest ends. I don't require specificity.

I think needing to know breeds potential jealousy or envy, and in turn, the potential for a partner to fudge to protect your feelings. I prefer discretion. I don't believe either of my partners should know everything about how we play, date or have fun. My relationship with Superjast gets as much privacy as my relationship with Pengrah, and I expect the same in return.
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Agree with this entirely.
 
At first I wanted to know everything, mostly because Cricket was such an unknown to me. It seemed the only way I had to get to know her, was to know what he liked about her, loved about her. I noticed I had a hard time hearing how alike we were. So I've come to cherish how we are different. We are very alike in a lot of ways, but I can't see my husband dating a carbon copy, so I want to know the differences.

As far as other things, I'm a curious and inquisitive soul. I want to know everything about everything. Sometimes I lose the privacy barriers, because personally there isn't much I'm worried about being private. It's hard for me to remember that not everyone is so open. Karma and I share everything together, so when there is something he won't share, it raises questions. But I have worked hard to acknowledge that Cricket may not care to have it all shared with me. It's hard, because that's a part of his life he can't share, so I feel like I am missing out on sharing something with him.

So to answer the direct question, I do like knowing what Karma likes about Cricket, especially when it is something unique to her.
 
I like to know what's going on with Breathes' other loves. Unfortunately he's fallen into a funk lately and getting him to talk about ANYTHING that isn't work-related or me-related is not an easy task. I have to drag any information, including whether he's going somewhere, out of him.

He doesn't ask about my relationship with Possibility either. I offer up general information and leave it at that. I like to share. It helps me to face any fears or insecurities I may have, and it lets him know I care enough to share things with him in the first place.
 
I am with Ariakas and Vodkafan. I don't really want to know all the details. He has his. I have mine.

We each clear outings with the other person, just to make sure there aren't any other plans getting messed up. I want to know where he is and when to expect him home. Other than that, the rest isn't really my business. The same goes for when I go out.
 
Vexxed said:
I have a desire for my partner to tell me as much as she is willing about what she finds attractive and enjoys about her other boyfriend. I feel that this would help me to accept things for the way they are. I keep wondering and contemplating. I feel like I'm resisting, and that I would stop resisting and accept my place in her life if I knew more.

One other benefit that I think would occur is that if she were to reveal what she enjoys about him it would increase the intimacy between us. I'd like to be treated as a dear friend, and be given the chance to be excited for her as a friend would be. Instead, I feel that she tries to protect me by not telling me what she really thinks. I haven't approached her with this broad question yet. I feel that I've learned over time that this would help me. Nevertheless, she doesn't opt to tell me on her own. So, I feel that she tries to protect me by not telling me what she really thinks.

I know that I would feel some jealousy about the things that she would tell me, but I would like to try to face each issue and find a comfortable place of acceptance after I knew the facts.
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I haven't read what others have said and will post again if there is anything to add after I have, but I wanted to respond right away, as this is what we talked about at our poly meeting last night. The topic was intimacy. We ended up talking about everything from "don't ask don't tell policies (DADT)," "too much information (TMI)," and our experiences with sharing info and how it brings intimacy to our lives, or not. We talked about how DADT can reduce intimacy for some, or keep intimacy going, how people not wanting details affects us if we want to share, and some stories about what different partners are willing to share and what others aren't, and how to work that out. All very interesting.

What I got out of the discussion, in regards to your story, is that it might be important to talk about what the boundaries are and what information means to you both. Some people find that giving too much information decreases intimacy and is disrespectful to both of their partners. Some don't want to hear too much information because they find it too close for comfort, and like they are being convinced, or being privy to something that is not theirs to know. Others like the dirty details and get off on them, with or without their partner. There are those that like to share all the fun and excitement they feel every step of the way because their emotions make them want to relay the story of their experiences and it is exciting to relive the story again in the telling of it.

It seems that to understand what person you are in this and what person you are with the person you are talking to is important. I don't tell PN anything about my sex life with Mono, or personal details that only he and I share. I don't like to, and I don't think PN likes to hear it. Sometimes though, he likes to know more than I am willing to share because I don't want to hurt him. I find, most of the time, that expressing how I feel about people is far more important than the details of what we did.

I tell just about everything to Mono, but only after I am certain of what I am saying and how to say it. I came back from coffee with someone once and was really excited about the reconnect we had, and it didn't go over well. He knew I had had a crush on this person, and while there was a bit of that still lingering, I was much more grateful to reconnect with them after several years than think about the crush. Mono read this as me crushing out, and that I wanted to have them as a partner, and explore sexual things with them. Mono thought we were essentially done because that would be breaking our agreement. I'm much more careful now to go over in my head first what it is I want to say and convey first. But with PN, I can say just about anything, at this point.
 
Breathesgirl said:
I like to know what's going on with Breathes' other loves. I like to share. It helps me to face any fears or insecurities I may have. It lets him know I care enough to share things with him in the first place.
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That's how I feel. Knowing more makes me feel closer to my partner. Some things may make me feel slightly inadequate, but I'd still prefer to know. Then I'm able to meditate on why I feel inadequate and dissect my emotions. I can tell myself that I should not worry about whatever is bothering me because of X. I can then go through a step-by-step process that is more likely to lead me to feeling compersion, and also be more thankful for my strengths that she is attracted to.

One day, after posting this thread, I asked her to tell me more about her other boyfriend. I posed two open-ended questions.

1. What things do you find attractive about him?
2. What are the highlights of having sex with him?

In order to respect him, I suggested that she only compliment him, and keep the less complimentary opinions to herself. I greatly benefited from the discussion. I feel much more comfortable and secure now. I feel that it built intimacy between us.

I do like what Redpepper mentioned about discussing TMI boundaries. I know that I'm comfortable with her telling her other lovers 90% of the things about me. I also feel better knowing more about her other lovers. I feel that she is less open than I am, but still shares some things, to a small extent.
 
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My H and I were swingers for a few years before love started seeping into the equation. One of the things I miss most about those days is hearing about his relations with the other girl, or hell, for that matter, watching. lol. Now that love has evolved there is no information being passed. Out of everything we deal with, being 4 people and 3 different couples, is the not knowing what is going on anymore. H's OSO M is mono and a very private person. So we don't talk about personal stuff regarding her. J and H are, well... were, best friends and H doesn't want to see or hear anything about us, which is hard because we live together. I miss being able to talk to my husband about anything. It makes me sad, and I don't feel like we are nearly as close as we used to be because of it.
 
It varies with me. I do want to know *some* of what's going on, so that it's not a complete enigma, as in, he leaves the house and there's missing time until he gets back! But I also have respect for other people's privacy, so I can see how someone he dates doesn't necessarily want him telling ME everything about them, and I certainly don't want my hubs telling certain things about me to anyone else.

I think hubs used to want to tell me everything, and he's learning that other people might not like that so much! :) With his latest relationship there was more talking than was probably good. And then a situation arose where I had to pull completely out of all involvement. So now I just hear bits and pieces, that's all, and I'm ok with that.

I'm with Mohegan, though, in that I don't want to hear similarities, I want to hear differences. I heard a podcast with Franklin Veaux a while back and he was talking about that, how he liked hearing the differences between himself and his partner's other partners, because in those difference lies where YOU are unique to your partner. Those differences are why your partner loves YOU. They're good things.
 
Interesting discussion...

I think it is true that different people are at different places and like to discuss things to different depths.

I am just like you, Vexxed. I am a very inquisitive person naturally, and always asking deeper questions of everyone I meet. I want to know as much as I can. I feel more connected when I do. It helps me work through my various emotional responses, too.

My wife, on the other hand, does not want to know all that much, and prefers not to divulge too much. When she had her first experiences with another man, I wanted to know a lot more than she was wanting to tell. I found this difficult.

As I reflect on it, I feel like some of my motive for asking and wanting more information is legitimate. That is the kind of person I am, and it does help me to process my own emotions about it all. I prefer the devil I know than the one I don't, so to speak.

But I also realise that some of my motives are unhealthy. I like what GS said about respecting your partner when they don't want to divulge as much information as you would like. For my wife, I think it does cheapen things a little, and she is the sort of person that wants some things to be unique and private. If I can't respect this and allow some things not to be shared, then I am not respecting what is important to her. I need to be able to let this go, as hard as it is for me. Not being able to let it go means I have an unhealthy attachment to needing to know the details.

So it does seem to be give and take. To my wife's credit, she did share a lot of details, which I really appreciated, and felt more connected to her as a result. She shared some things that she thought I would really struggle with, and was also trying to protect me, but when I was genuinely excited for her, I think it helped her open up more too. But I also realise I need to let things go more, for her sake and her need for privacy.

Isn't that just the way with relationships-- a balance between the things you want, and those your SOs want, and helping to ensure that everyone has a voice and is respected along the way? This discussion is another example of that.
 
I have the same problems with it as you do. Sharing has never been my hubby's thing, but he used to do it when we were swinging because he knew it made things easier on me and usually turned me on. ;)

Now, with the relationship he is in, I don't even ask. I know that she would not like it and he would not betray her trust, so there's no point in asking. The other night as I was going to bed I heard something. I laid there for a minute, then got up walked into the living room. Our bedroom is right under the living room. It dawned on me what I was hearing and I went back to J's room and turned the TV on. I knew she wouldn't want me listening to them making love to each other, so I respected her privacy and went back to sleep. Back in the day, I might have listened for a few minutes, then gone in and woken J up in an amazing way. lol.

But when you care about the person your hubby is in love with, it is different. I will always respect her feelings and hubby's by not asking, not that I would ask for step-by-step or anything, lol. But I won't turn down general information. It just helps me deal and makes me feel closer to hubby.
 
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